Before my husband and I had our first child, an older relative gave us a piece of advice: “Be on the same team.” We sort of chuckled at the time—I mean, obviously we were on the same team; we’re married and about to welcome a kid into our lives. A season later, as we bickered about who was more tired after being up with the baby and whose turn it was to do the dishes, I realized what our relative meant. Being on the same team? Harder than I thought. We were cultivating an attitude of getting versus giving, which didn’t lead anywhere healthy; instead it created friction in our marriage because we each constantly felt like we were contributing more than the other person. Things weren’t “fair,” and that felt frustrating.
Actively choosing to be on the same team as your partner is actually…much harder than it seems. And sliding into the territory of tallying who does what and how often against an imaginary scoreboard is probably the fastest journey to relationship resentment possible. Here’s how to shift that toxic mind-set for good, clear lingering scorecards, and maintain a “nobody wins” mind-set that’ll keep you in check.