Actual conversation I had with my husband:
“I just feel like I’m always in charge of dinner, and you never help out…”
“You never asked me to help!”
“Why do I have to ask? Can’t you just do it?”
Trade out dinner for daycare pickup, sex, paying bills, cleaning, literally anything, and you’ve got a conversation that probably sounds pretty familiar to most couples. Words like “never” and “always” tend to creep into relationship conflicts like splinters. When those words pop up, everyone’s first line of defense is attack mode. It is also rare to find a “never” or “always” conversation that rings completely true. My claim that I always make dinner and my husband never helps? Not true. However, it’s easy for me to forget in the heat of the moment when I’m overwhelmed.
This week, rather than tracking points regarding who does what in a relationship, pay attention to how often you say “never” and “always.” When you catch yourself using those words, pause and reframe your language in a way that’s less absolute. For example, “You never do the dishes” could be rephrased as “From my lens, I usually do the dishes, and I’d really appreciate it if you tackled them a few more nights a week.” This approach is more solution-oriented versus just blaming the other person, which promotes healthy communication and better manages expectations all around.
TRY THIS
You’ve probably heard of a “swear jar,” where you put money in a container every time you let a curse word slip. Do the same thing for “never” and “always.” Get two jars, label them accordingly, and put them in a visible location at home. Every time you or your partner says “never” or “always,” put a dollar in the jar—and then rephrase what you’re trying to say. After the jar fills up (or a predetermined period of time, like a week or a month), go on a date using the money.