For a long time, I approached romantic relationships with an “if, then” mind-set: if I gave 50 percent, then I expected the other person to give 50 percent as well, and from there I assumed we’d find some sort of love balance or power equilibrium. Unsurprisingly this attitude didn’t get me very far, mostly because I operated out of a desire to protect myself from pain and prepare for the worst. I didn’t want to get hurt or be disappointed, and so I kept one foot out the door as a way to avoid being 100 percent invested—even though I desperately wanted to love and be loved. I thought I was practicing “give-and-take” in my relationships, but I actually had it backward.
According to couples who have been married for decades, lasting, happy partnerships require a ratio of 100/100, not 50/50. When both people give 100 percent every single day, in terms of attitude and communication and effort, relationships are more likely to be physically, emotionally, and mentally fulfilling. It’s kind of similar to how babies and toddlers need a lot of sleep in order to sleep well at night; the more love you receive in a relationship, the higher your potential to be able to give love back to the other person. Dr. Phil McGraw of the famed Dr. Phil show seconds this concept; he believes we are each responsible for what we bring to a relationship, how we feel, and what we maintain or allow from our partners. In other words, you need a mind-set of abundance rather than scarcity: give 100 percent with the expectation that your partner will do the same, and ideally that’s how both of you get your needs met.
TRY THIS
Think of one small action you can do today that would either show love to a person you care about or make the person’s life a smidgen easier. Maybe it’s a quick note of appreciation, taking out the trash without being asked, or bringing coffee in bed. If you’re not sure, ask! The person might be pleasantly surprised and hopefully return the favor in the future.