Think about a previous experience where you received an apology that either felt really powerful and meaningful, or didn’t resolve an issue in the least. It’s very clear when someone sounds like he’s apologizing, but he also happens to be justifying, blaming, making excuses, or minimizing.
• “I’m sorry, but you were…”
• “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way…”
• “I’m sorry, I had a headache and…”
• “I was just kidding, geez, sorry…”
Add that it was probably accompanied by a huffy tone, crossed arms, or an eye roll, and you guessed it: nothing was resolved and nobody felt better.
In contrast, JoEllen Poon, former teacher and author of the Cuppacocoa parenting blog, says good apologies need to be specific, understanding, action-oriented, and reconciliation-oriented. She offers this framework, which is meant to be used in this order: I’m sorry for… This is wrong because… In the future, I will… Will you forgive me?
Now a good apology doesn’t need to use those exact sentence prompts, but it does need to include the same sentiments: acknowledging what you did wrong, why it was wrong, what you’ll do differently going forward, and a request for forgiveness.