A friend and I were going through a period where we didn’t talk much. Our lives were on two different paths—her media career required long hours, and as a working mom, time on my end felt scarce. I was upset with the state of our friendship. I assumed that she didn’t care as much, and our friendship would suffer as a result.
Then I happened to be heading to her town for a family event, so I texted her and said, “Are you around early Saturday morning? I can bring over coffee.” I showed up and we sat on her couch and talked for two hours. I thought it might be a little weird, considering we hadn’t really connected in six months, but it wasn’t. Instead I learned all sorts of updates about her life, things that were too complex to put in a text or an email or a phone call. I watched her facial expressions dance as she told me different stories, and she listened carefully when I shared my own. When I left that day, I felt more reconnected to her than I had in a year, something I didn’t expect that day—however, none of that would’ve happened if I hadn’t reached out and let go of my assumptions.
In the book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says it’s human nature to equate our assumptions with the truth, take other people’s words and actions personally, and create a bunch of drama for no reason. Why? Because we think everybody else sees the world the same way we do. We think that other people know exactly what we mean, and that we know what they mean. But this is often where miscommunication thrives, which prevents us from connecting with others.
TRY THIS
The next time you make an assumption, use one of the following frameworks to ask a question instead: “What did you mean when you said…?” or “Why do you feel that way?” Seek to gather some evidence so you can actually test your assumption at hand. Maybe you’re right, but maybe not. You may find that you learn much more this way too!