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TWO HOURS BEFORE KATE Stone’s gala, Blackwell, Bernie, Lisa, and I were in the makeshift dressing room on Wenn’s fifty-first floor when a familiar voice called out.
“Hola? Hola? Epifania is the here, the cookies! Where you at? This place deader than my ex-husband, Chuckie—an’ he pretty fucking dead, just so you know.”
When Epifania spoke from the main office, which was empty now because it was a Saturday, Blackwell whirled around on me with a look of betrayal on her face that made me wince. As Bernie straightened my hair with a flat iron and Lisa gave me a look of pity before downing the rest of her champagne, Blackwell bent her lips down to my ear.
“You invited her here tonight?” she hushed.
I didn’t turn to her. I didn’t look at her. Instead, I just kept staring straight into the mirror as Bernie worked on me.
“I might have,” I said.
“You clearly did. And now how are Bernie and I supposed to focus on getting you two into shape for Kate’s gala with that woman in the room? The human wrecking ball known as Epifania Zapopa is within inches of us. Nothing good will come of this!”
“Oh, settle down,” I said. “You’ve come to like her. I thought it would be fun to have here tonight because she’s also going to the gala. You know how she is. She’ll turn this place into a party.”
“The party from hell,” Blackwell said.
“Looky, looky—Epifania is here, the cookies! Hello? Hellllllooooo! Oh, hell, maybe I on wrong floor. Sheet. Knowing me, probably wrong floor...”
“We’re in here, Epifania!” I called out.
“Yennifer?”
“Follow my voice!”
“Heyzeus Cristo, and here I thought I got wrong floor. Why you no answer first time?”
“I was taking a sip of my champagne,” I lied, not wanting to hurt her feelings. “Come inside. Have a glass of bubbly with us!”
“Wait until you see what Epifania the wearing!” she singsonged.
“Let’s just hope it’s something I found for her,” Blackwell said. “Because if it isn’t, God only knows what’s about to come through that door.”
“I hear that, the Barbara—and you gonna be the happy.”
“We’ll see about that,” Blackwell said. “Step inside. Reveal the awful truth.”
But when Epifania moved into the room, the truth was that she looked stunning.
“Oh, my God,” I said as she strode toward us in a shimmering, metallic-gold gown that had a slit up to here, and a neckline that plunged down to there. Her dark hair hung down around her shoulders in soft waves, her makeup was bright and fresh, and the canary yellow diamonds at her ears, neck, fingers, and wrists were to die for. The whole look was spot-on. “You look amazing.”
“Tonight, I bring the glitz and the glam,” Epifania said as she twirled in front of us. “Because God help me—I’m gonna land a man, and that man is gonna be my Rudsy. He gonna be mine again. Epifania feel the heat smoldering in her little meow-meow for him again. I’m gonna turn on all the faucets tonight. We gonna be couple again!”
“Turn on all of the what?” Blackwell said.
“All the faucets—you hear me, lady. What’s a matter? You deaf?”
“Who knows?” Blackwell said. “Generally, I have the capability to hear a person’s mind working. But when it comes to you, dear Epifania, I somehow hear nothing.”
“Why you think that is?” she asked innocently.
Blackwell moved to speak, but then her shoulders fell and she just waved a hand. “Nevermind. What you meant to say is that you’re pulling out all of the stops tonight—not the faucets—and I have to admit that you are.” She walked over to inspect Epifania. “Smart choice on the gown. Well played.”
“You peek it out for me. Of course you think it smart.”
“Do you disagree?”
“Oh, no! Epifania hearts it.”
“Don’t speak in emojis—it’s beneath you.”
“Beneath me? Look, the cookie, Epifania might be worth the five-hundred million, but she never forget her sordid roots, OK? Look at my sorry life story, for Christ’s sake—from living naked on a tobacco leaf in Cuba to washing up in a leetle beety rubber boat in the land of the free to riding a streeper pole with my good friend Yanis Yones until I meet the Chuckie. You can take Epifania out of the rubble, but you can’t take the rubble out of her mouth.”
“I don’t even know what that means,” Blackwell said.
“Then consider yourself lucky, the honey pots, because when you born at the wrong end of the street, like I was, it mean nothing good.”
I looked at Epifania in the mirror while Bernie took another thick strand of my hair and began straightening it. “Speaking of Janice, Lisa and I recently ran into her at the St. Regis, Epifania. We were having cocktails at the bar when she came in. I went over to talk to her.”
“She told me,” Epifania said. “I had lunch with her yesterday—I been trying to get our old friendship back on the tracks. She said she had wrong opinion of you. She said you were very nice. I said that Yennifer is always nice.”
“I haven’t seen her since the press conference,” I said. “And that was on television. I felt that I needed to go over and thank her for what she indirectly did for Alex. And for how she stood up to Rowe. We all know that that must have been difficult for her.”
“It was, but she know she made right decision that day, and she appreciate that you took the time to talk with her. She been kinda down lately. I been trying to pick her up! Ever since that press conference, Yanis has been yudged unfairly by everyone. She always seen as the other woman—the one who ruined Stephen Rowe’s marriage to Meredith. But he lie to Yanis. He fuck her over. Sure, she make her share of mistakes. But at her heart, she got a heart of gold.”
“I sensed that. When we talked, I could feel how much she felt betrayed by him. How much she’d loved him.”
“She loved him more than you know. He was her world. But Yanis is a tough one, the cookie. She’ll bounce back. You’ll see. Money is tight for her right now. So, if I have to, I’ll give her a million or so to help get her back on her feet. And you know why? When I first came to the States and had no choice but to streep for a living, Yanis always had my back. She never yudge me. In fact, she only help me. Epifania never forget sheet like that. I determined to see her happy again.”
“You’re a good friend, Epifania,” Lisa said.
“Agreed,” Blackwell said.
“Epifania just got the lucky,” she said. “She nothing special.”
“I disagree,” Blackwell said. “Strongly. But before we wallow into those weeds, let’s see the dress, my dear. Turn for me—that’s right. Bernie, darling, in case you were wondering, this is an Alexandra Vidal hand-beaded, hand-embroidered silk gown. Look at the back—completely open. And how the silhouette is fitted—too sublime for words. And how the hem falls straight to the floor, but with just enough leg exposed to catch anyone’s eye without appearing sleazy,” she said. “J’adore. Who did your hair and makeup?”
“Alessandro did. I call him just like you told me to do.”
“He’s second only to Bernie.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Bernie sniffed.
“Well, he is good,” Blackwell said. “You have to admit that.”
“I suppose he has a whiff of talent. Though there are others—in third-world countries for instance—who have more.”
Blackwell rolled her eyes at him and turned to Epifania. “Did Alessandro come to your house?” she asked.
“Yeah, he come to my house—and while I’m happy with the end results, that man had the nerve to take the mother of all sheets between doing my hair and makeup.”
“Excuse me...?” Blackwell said.
“You heard me. It was enough to make me gag. What in the holy hell did he have for lunch? I’ll tell you what he had—the beans. Because when you’re from the barrio like I am, you know that smell from a hundred yards away. That man had a mother fucking chalupa or something, and when he used my toilet? I’m here to tell you, the cookies, that that man refried everything that came out of him. I had all I could do just to breathe.”
“How horribly descriptive of you,” Blackwell said.
“Welcome to my life.” And then Epifania looked at her. “By the way, Barbara, how are you and your man?”
“How are me and my what?”
“You and your man—what’s his name? Darkus?”
“That would be Marcus,” I offered. “But Freud would have had a field day with your interpretation, Epifania.”
“Fine, so it’s the Marcus,” she said as she looked from me to Blackwell. “You two do the screw yet?”
“Excuse me?”
“You know—the moley in the holey. The jig in the jam. The fleep and the flop on the mattress top.”
From the mirror, I saw Blackwell flush.
“Why do I suddenly have a craving for ice,” she said. “Why do I suddenly long to chomp down on it as if I’m crushing heads?”
“That’s something for you to work out, lady,” Epifania said. “But if you don’t want to talk about the Marcus just yet because you’re falling for him and want to keep it on the down low for now, it fine. I get it. I leave it be. Sensitive territory and all that. Let me give a kiss to Lisa over here—how are you, lovecat? You up next after Yennifer?”
“I am,” Lisa said. “And you really do look beautiful, Epifania. I wish I could fill out a gown like you can. I’m just a stick.”
“What you need are the fake boobies,” Epifania said. “Blow them up real good, like Chuckie did for me, and soon Tank will be motorboating you. Just you wait and see. And then you also can get a fake ass, like the one that Keem Kardashian woman has. She a treep, that one. When you look at her, you don’t know whether she coming or going. Beeg in the front. Beeg in the back. She like a cartoon that’s been sitting out in the sun too long—like she melted into this smeary version of a human being. Anyway, with a good doctor, you could have the big boobies and the big butt, too!”
“When you put it that way, I think I’ll remain a stick.”
“And when I think about that woman, I kinda don’t blame you.”
Blackwell came to her side and handed her a glass of champagne.
“Look at this, everyone,” Epifania said. “Champagne offered by the devil woman herself. Whoever would have thought?”
“Consider it a gift that will keep your mouth busy in other ways...” Blackwell said.
“What that mean?”
“Not a thing, my dear.”
“I know you’re lying, but whatever.” She looked at Lisa and me. “We three girls are gonna be the hotness tonight—you know, for our men! And also for those mean beeches who yudge us. Well, maybe they don’t yudge Yennifer and Lisa, but they sure as hell yudge me, which is why I like spending dead Chuckie’s money and showing up looking like this. Bling, bling, bling—bam!”
“You’re bringing all of that tonight,” Lisa said.
“You bet your pretty face I am. This dress and these diamonds? They like my armor.” She took a sip of her champagne and then lifted a finger. “Hey! Where are the boys tonight?”
“Alex and Tank?” I asked.
“That right.”
“Getting ready in Alex’s office, which means they’re likely having a glass of Scotch and catching up before putting on their tuxedoes. They don’t have to endure any of this to look good, which is just downright unfair. We’re going to meet them at eight, and then all of us will go to the party.”
“Bring it on!” Epifania said. “Because Epifania love to party to the hardy!”
“One day...” Blackwell said with a sigh as she wrapped an arm around Epifania’s waist. “I swear to God that I’ll have you loving something else.”
“What that, the cookie?”
“Self-restraint,” Blackwell said. “Even if it’s only just a trace of it.”
* * *
WHEN BERNIE WAS FINISHED with Lisa and me—and after Blackwell had dressed us—Epifania whistled as Lisa and I took to the full-length mirrors attached to the far right wall. And then we just stood there looking at ourselves and each other, not quite believing what we saw.
The talents that Bernie and Blackwell possessed weren’t only formidable—they were transformative.
I was wearing my Carolina Herrera sequined illusion tulle ball gown in champagne while Lisa was wearing her Alexander McQueen crystal-embellished bustier gown. The deep red color offset her blonde hair and creamy skin tone to perfection.
“You look like a princess,” she said to me.
“I still think it’s a bit much, but it is gorgeous—there’s no saying otherwise.”
“Shall I remind you that you paid fifty thousand dollars for that dress, Jennifer?” Blackwell said. “You are supposed to look like a princess in it. You are supposed to be a ‘bit too much’ tonight, especially when it comes to this crowd. The movers and shakers of New York mixing with the blue bloods—always a toxic mix. I’ve never styled you quite like this before—we’ve always gone for the more daring, edgier looks, because you’ve got the kind of brass balls that can pull it off.”
“Brass balls?” I said.
“Have you not taken two bullets for your husband? Have you not shot people in an effort to save your husband? Does the entire world not know that?”
And what could I say to that?
“So?” she said. “We surprise them. This look softens you and your style in ways that people will notice at once because it’s a dramatic change. You might not know it, but I’m shooting for Page Six tomorrow with this look, because the reporters on hand also will see the change in you. You’ll be turning heads tonight, Jennifer, and for all the right reasons.”
“How is this skirt even going to fit in the back of the limo?” I asked. “Five of us are driving there tonight. It’ll take up too much room.”
“Then divide into two sets and take two limos, which will give you and Alex plenty of room and time to canoodle.”
“I’ll never turn down a chance to canoodle with my husband,” I said.
“As well you shouldn’t,” Blackwell said. “Just watch your makeup.”
“I long to cadoodle again,” Epifania said.
“It’s canoodle,” Blackwell said. “Not cadoodle.”
“You know I mean. And Rudsy is the one I want to cadoodle with.”
“Who is ‘Rudsy’?” Lisa asked.
“Rudman Cross,” she said. “I call him ‘Rudsy’ because he like it that way. He think it sexy. He puts on this beeg show of being this mother of a bullmastiff, but he really a pussycat when you get to know him.”
“Epifania was instrumental in introducing Alex and me to him,” I said to Lisa. “Tonight, Alex and I hope to nail down a deal between him and Wenn that will integrate our SlimPhone with Rudman’s Cross Communications. There’s a lot more riding on tonight than just a pretty dress.”
“There usually is when you and Alex go to a party,” Lisa said.
“Truer words...”
“Look, don’t worry about the deal,” Epifania said. “It gonna happen.”
“Do you know something I don’t?”
“Here what I know. If I rub up against my Rudsy the right way and at the right time, I can make his mind go to sheet. After that, he pretty much become agreeable to anything.”
“Businesswoman of the year,” Blackwell said.
“Say what you want, lady, but these boobies can get sheet done—you just too blind to see it.” She checked her watch and looked at Lisa and me. “Almost eight! So, get ready, the cookies, because tonight gonna be epic. Tonight is going into the papers. The three of us are like lava right now—smoking hot. We’re gonna bring the bang, bang, bang. You see—I promise!”
* * *
BEFORE THE THREE OF us took the elevator to the forty-ninth floor, Barbara turned to me and said, “I already called down to Cutter—there will be two limousines waiting for you.”
“Thank you,” I said as I kissed her on each cheek.
“You look perfect,” she said to me. “Just right.”
“I couldn’t have done it without your help,” I said. “But when have I ever been able to do any of this without your help?”
“Save that for my eulogy.”
“Thank you, Barbara,” Lisa said. “I couldn’t have said it better than Jennifer.”
“And here you call yourself a writer. Why am I not surprised that words fail you now?”
“I—”
“I’m joking,” Blackwell said. “Give us a kiss. That’s right. You, too, Epifania. Now, go and make some headlines. Make that deal happen with Alex, Jennifer. Give Kate my best. And have some fun.”
* * *
WHEN THE ELEVATOR DOORS slid open and Alex and Tank were revealed to us—each looking beyond handsome in their tuxedoes—they let out a low whistle.
As Alex’s gaze swept over me with a hunger that I knew I’d be seeing more of after the party, he said to Tank, “How did we get so lucky?”
“I think we won the Powerball,” he said as he looked at Lisa.
Since Alex was nothing if not a gentleman, he didn’t allow the conversation to linger on Lisa or me too long because Epifania also was with us, and I knew that he’d never want her to be left out.
“Epifania, you’re going to light up that gala tonight, I can tell you that,” he said as the three of us stepped out of the elevator. “Especially in that dress. You look beautiful, my friend.”
“Thank you, the cookie,” she said as she air kissed him on each cheek. “That mean plenty coming from you. Now, take your wife while I give Tank a quick kees so Lisa can have at him.”
“A done deal if there ever was one,” Alex said as he drew me to him. He kissed me lightly on the lips so that he wouldn’t ruin Bernie’s hard work, and then he placed his hand against the low of my back and pressed his lips against my ear. When his stubble brushed over my skin, I closed my eyes as a shiver shot through me. “I’ve never seen you look so beautiful,” he said. “Jesus, Jennifer. I so married up.”
“Strap some wings on me, and you could toss me into a production of ‘Cinderella’,” I said.
“What I’d really like to do is to take you home and toss you onto our bed...”
“And I fully expect you to do just that, Mr. Wenn—after the party.”
“Certainly Kate has a backroom at the Foundation that we could use...”
“Ever the romantic.”
“Let’s just say that sometimes, when I see you like this, you bring out my baser instincts.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“You can also take this as one.” He nudged me closer to give me another kiss on my lips and when he did, I could feel him pulsing against my thigh.
“Alex,” I said.
“I have no control over it,” he said in a low, deep voice that only I could hear. “It’s your fault.”
“And I’m happy to take the blame.”
I looked over at Lisa and Tank, who were similarly intertwined, and then I caught sight of Epifania, who was politely standing to the side. Alone. And that made me feel guilty because, as caught up as the four of us were, we should have been more sensitive to her situation.
I walked over to her and put my hand around her shoulders before we left. “Tonight, you land Rudsy,” I said. “If anyone can do it, you can, Epifania. All you need to do is be yourself. Who wouldn’t fall in love with that?”
“You’d be surprised,” she said with a trace of emotion in her voice. “It take a special man to put up with someone like me—Epifania know that. She know she a lot to handle. She get it.” But then she cleared her throat and looked straight at me with determination in her eyes. “But that man is out there, and I plan on making it happen tonight. So—shall we go?”
“We’re ready,” Tank said.
“I’m good,” Alex said.
I noted that his hands were shoved deep into his pants pockets, likely in an effort to conceal what would have been difficult to conceal otherwise. When he saw me glancing down at his crotch, he shot me a salacious wink.
God, I love him...
I reached for Alex’s hand, and hit the down button on the elevator. The doors swished open, and I motioned in front of me so that everyone could file inside.
