We know from our own experiences how painful and damaging anger can be. When people we care about—family, friends, and colleagues—are agitated, defensive, or resentful, we see their suffering and wish to help. How can we do this?
When someone asks me, “How do I help a friend who is angry?” I usually begin by asking her first to look at her own anger, for all too often, we try to solve someone else’s problem with anger without acknowledging our own. When we say we want to help a friend who is fuming, we really mean, “That person is angry at me, and I don’t like that. How can I get him to change?” In such cases we need to be directed back to the introspective process of dealing with our own hostility and establishing our own inner calm.
Sometimes, however, the other’s upset is not directed at us, and seeing him suffer, we want to help. Skill is needed, for we need to be sensitive to each situation. One stock response will not work at all times. Very often, listening with our heart is the best medicine. Here, we let our friend explain the events and her feelings without interrupting to offer advice. When she pauses for a while, we may let her know we understood by summarizing the content of what she said or labeling the feelings she was expressing.
It is never helpful to tell someone that what he is feeling is wrong or that he should not feel that way. Similarly, jumping in and trying to fix the situation often leaves our friend feeling misunderstood. He 146 Working with Anger wasn’t looking for a solution; he simply wanted to be heard. Wanting to fix the situation is often indicative of our own discomfort with someone’s emotions. In this case, we need to look inside ourselves, recognize what we are feeling and why, and apply appropriate antidotes.
Helping a friend who is irate does not mean taking her side in an argument against another. This only adds fuel to the fire and reinforces, not reduces, her anger. A real friend is one who assists the other person in examining and calming her emotions. Thus, to help our friends when they are upset, we should listen with acceptance, ask questions, and offer observations that will help them to reflect on the situation in a different way.
Marilyn had just had an argument with Cori during lunch time at their college. After school, she called her friend Anne. Complaining vehemently about Cori, Marilyn tried to get Anne to take part in a scheme to get back at her. Anne refused. Instead, she said to Marilyn, “You sound pretty upset. What is really bothering you?” After some time, with gentle coaching, Marilyn was able to admit to being jealous of Cori. Anne helped her to stop comparing herself to Cori and to focus on her own talents and qualities. In this way, she genuinely helped her friend and prevented further quarrels and backbiting from occurring.
It may happen that whatever support we try to give, our friends or relatives remain stuck in their anger. At such times, we may feel frustrated and start to become angry with them for not accepting our help or following our advice. Clearly, this compounds the problem, for now not only are they angry, but so are we!
When our attempts to help have not brought the desired outcome, we must accept the situation. Often we cannot control our own mind, let alone someone else’s! We should cease to offer advice, but keep our heart open to the other person. We may discover later that some of what we said had an effect.
Marvin, a man in his eighties, began to use a wheel chair after surgery a few years ago. Because he complained of discomfort from sitting in his wheelchair, his children offered to get him a better one. He angrily refused their generosity, insisting that he would walk again soon, even though he had not put much effort into regaining his strength. His neighbor Ethyl knew that trying to convince him to get a new wheelchair was useless, but she was concerned about the effect his anger was having on his relationship with his family. She tried to help him acknowledge and let go of his anger, but Marvin’s attitude wouldn’t shift. She then backed off discussing this topic while continuing her friendship with him. While they were playing cards a few weeks later, Marvin turned to her and said, “Ethyl, you were right about my being unreasonably angry at my children. Although I still don’t want a new wheelchair, I do want to love my children and receive their love. I’m stopping my part in this feud.” Marvin did, and his children reciprocated.
Sometimes I find it helpful to ask a friend who is at an impasse, “What could someone say that would help you at this moment?” This sometimes helps him to consider new alternatives. Similarly, if a friend is still ruminating on an event from years ago, I may ask, “What could someone have said to you back then that would have helped you?” Often this stimulates the person to look at the situation more creatively.
My sister called me recently, perplexed about how to handle my three-year-old nephew’s outbursts of anger. “He’s not afraid of anything,” she said. “If I shout at him, he gets angrier. If I threaten him with going to his room for a time-out, he just screams louder.”
I remembered the times when, as a child, I didn’t get what I wanted and was angry. Unlike my nephew, an adult yelling at me often intimidated me into being quiet. However, rather than subduing my anger, I generally became angrier although I didn’t express it. Similarly, when I was punished for quarreling with my siblings, the outward quarrel stopped, but my anger didn’t. Now, hearing of my nephew’s difficulty, I wondered what would have helped me work with my anger when I was a child
“Try not to threaten him with punishment,” I suggested to my sister. “See if you can help him put into words what is bothering him. He needs to learn how to work with his anger, not to be punished for having it. He’s still young so you’ll need to help him find the words to fit his experience, but as he grows older, being able to identify his feelings and the external conditions that provoke them will help him.”
I went on to tell her that as an adult, I voluntarily take a time-out when I’m upset. For me, a time-out is not a punishment, but an opportunity to calm down and let go of my unhappiness. Then, when the heat of the anger has passed, I can look at and deal with the situation more clearly. If we can convey this same attitude about a time-out to our children, they will learn to regulate themselves and take a time-out when they need it, without feeling that they are being punished for being upset.
Children learn by observing their parents. If parents can identify their anger, apply antidotes to subdue it, and apologize when they make an antagonist remark, their children will copy their example. Thus, as often happens, children become good mirrors for parents to review their own attitudes and behaviors. When parents love their children and want the best for them, they are more motivated to work with their anger and develop a kind heart so that they can be a good example for their children.
In recent years, some educators and psychologists have developed effective means to aid children in identifying their emotions and working with them. For more information on this subject, I refer you to the work of Dr. Mark Greenberg from Pennsylvania State University and the PATHS (Promoting Alternative Thinking Strategies) curriculum he developed.
Miriam, now in her eighties, told me a moving story of how her parents dealt with her anger. At ages three and six, she had made a child’s short-lived attempt to run away from home when she was unhappy with her parents’ not giving into her whims. At age nine, she was again mad at them and wanted to leave. But she had learned a lesson from the two previous attempts and knew she needed provisions. Going into the kitchen, she said to her mother, “I want an apple, a banana, and a sandwich.”
“Why?” her mother asked.
“I’m going to run away from home,” Miriam retorted.
“Oh, don’t do that,” her mother replied gently. “I love you and will miss you terribly.” Miriam began to cry and rushed to hug her mother, who embraced her lovingly.
How many of us get angry when we are really trying to say “please love me”? And how many of us miss others’ pleas for kindness because we react to their outer hostility?