| |
Scott did his best to engage in the conversation around Carl and Sandy’s table, but his mind kept snapping back to Susannah, reminding him of the magnetic pull of a compass momentarily shaken off balance. Like the victim of some animistic curse, he was destined to relive that last phone call of theirs with perfect clarity.
“We can never be together.” Five words. So final. Spoken with such tenderness, a tenderness that made the truth of her statement even harder to endure.
Never be together ...
He tried to change her mind. “Don’t say that. Give yourself time to grieve. Let me walk through the mourning with you.”
“I can’t,” she whispered, as if her soul was terrified of him, afraid of the attraction they’d felt for one another from so early on in their relationship. What was she scared of? Did she think he possessed the ability to hurt her?
“This is about Kitty, isn’t it?” He tried not to sound angry. Whenever he replayed the conversation, he chided himself for letting his passion get in the way of his clear thinking. Rational. He should have been rational.
“I made my mom a promise.”
This wasn’t happening. After ten years serving God overseas, he’d finally found a woman he wanted to call his wife. Finally found a woman who wasn’t just willing but excited to travel the world with him, sharing the gospel, advancing the kingdom of God. They’d taken things slowly. At least it felt slow to him. They’d prayed. Scott had humbled himself before Pastor Carl to ask for his advice, and Susannah had kept her mom filled in about their relationship from its earliest stages. It wasn’t like they were sneaking around behind anyone’s back or acting shamefully.
All they wanted to do was serve the Lord together. How could God ask them to give that up?
“She needs me.” Susannah’s voice was heavy with both sadness and conviction. She was such a demure, quiet-natured soul, but there were two things always guaranteed to stir up her passion — her zeal for world missions and her devotion to her sister.
Scott had heard so much about Kitty it was like he had already met her. Knew her smile. Understood the basic signs she used to communicate. Could probably talk with a doctor or nurse and fill them in on the basics of Kitty’s medical history, from her preterm delivery when Susannah was only a toddler to the medical tests that eventually led to the diagnosis.
Scott had only known one other person with cerebral palsy. In sixth grade, one of his electives was as a volunteer buddy for another student. Zack had been in a wheelchair for his entire life, had been nonverbal that whole time too, but he loved to laugh and listen to people talk about sports. For an entire semester, Scott’s job was to spend forty-five minutes every day after lunch playing in the gym with Zack, placing the ball in his rigid hands and then shooting it toward the basket, congratulating him every time the ball came close to the rim.
He’d actually thought about Zack quite a bit last fall when he was still planning to visit Susannah and meet her family. He wanted to make sure he included Kitty in his discussions — it was a pet peeve of Susannah’s when people ignored her sister or talked about her as if she weren’t there — but he also didn’t want to overdo it, make it look like he was trying too hard.
Turned out he didn’t need to worry about any of that since Susannah was purging him out of her life. “I told my mom that whenever she died, I’d take care of Kitty.”
“Let me move out there. We’ll take care of her together.” What else could he say? Even as he pleaded with her on the phone, he held the tiny ring in his hand, the ring he expected to give her when he flew out to Washington.
“I would never ask you to do that.” Her voice was a mixture of shock and pain, as if he’d slapped her and then laughed in her face.
“You don’t have to ask. I’m volunteering.” Even as he said the words, he was trying to figure out how feasible it would be for him to continue working for Kingdom Builders from Washington. Just about every aspect of his job could theoretically be done remotely. The three-hour time difference would be the biggest complication, but Scott would rather learn to forgo sleep altogether than rip Susannah out of his heart.
“God’s called you to the mission field,” she reminded him. “And I can’t go there with you.”
“We’ll make it work.” Did she have any idea that he’d already bought her an engagement ring? Did she know that all the traveling in the world couldn’t compare to life with her?
“I don’t want to be a stumbling block to you. I don’t want to keep you from your calling.”
“But what about your calling?” He heard the intensity in his voice and tried to soften it. “What about your heart for mission work?”
Her voice was steady and resolute. “It’s a matter of priorities. If someone does not provide for his own family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
“You don’t have to quote Scripture to me.” Now he really was angry. Not at her, but at the situation. At her mom for dying. At God for bringing them together just to split them apart. At himself for not having found a way to make it to Washington sooner.
“I’m sorry, Scott.” The words were so soft, he could hardly hear them.
“Please don’t do this.” He hated to sound so whiney. Like a little toddler throwing a fit because he didn’t get his way. “Please. You don’t understand how much I need you. I know you’re trying to protect your heart here, and I respect that. I really do. But I love you. You don’t have to say it back to me. You don’t have to do anything except listen. But I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
He glanced at the ring that looked so delicate between his thumb and finger.
“A few weeks ago, I went out and bought you a ...” He stopped himself. Should he tell her? Would it just make matters worse? The words fell off his lips, carried on by inertia and no actual force of their own. “I bought you a ring.”
She didn’t reply. He wondered if she understood the gravity of what he’d just spoken.
“I want you to be my wife.”
Silence. He checked his cell to make sure he hadn’t gotten disconnected.
“Do you need more time to think?” he finally asked.
Still no response.
He sighed. “Just pray about it, and you can give me your answer later, all right? I know your sister needs you, and I would never ask you to turn your back on her. But I’m certain that God’s brought us together. The more I pray about it, the more convinced I am. We’ll find a way to make it work. I know we will. Just please pray about it.”
“Ok,” she promised. “I will.”
It was the last time he heard her voice.