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Kitty was fussy and inconsolable. Once Susannah got home, it took close to an hour to calm her down.
“I’m sorry,” Derek apologized before he left. “I wanted to give you a night off, but I guess too much time has passed. She’s not used to me taking care of her anymore.”
“She just misses Mom.” Susannah knew the words had been a mistake when she saw the pain tear through Derek’s eyes. She reached out her hand to touch him on the elbow. There was something comforting about that quick exchange. “It’s late,” she added before she got too emotional. “Thanks again. It was really thoughtful of you.”
Derek offered a small smile. “Well, I hope it was relaxing for you. I get concerned about you here all by yourself. You know that, don’t you?”
She forced a smile. “Don’t worry. We’ve got everything we need. And thanks again for coming by with the groceries. It’s such a huge blessing.”
“Well, I wish sometimes you’d ask me to bring by more than cereal and dried beans.”
“I will. We’re still figuring all this out.”
He nodded. “Yes, we are.”
She wished him goodnight, spent a few minutes tidying up the house, and took her bag from Safe Anchorage to her room. She pulled the gift items out one by one and set them behind some boxes on a closet shelf to stay hidden until Christmas. She’d found Derek a traveler’s coffee mug with blue forget-me-nots she was certain would remind him of her mom. For Kitty, she bought a framed copy of the Beatitudes to hang on her wall and new yarn to make a nice lap blanket. Susannah could work on it in the afternoons while Kitty rested and listened to her Adventures in Odyssey tapes.
Last she pulled out the new handmade journal she’d bought for herself. The stationary at Safe Anchorage was two or three times more expensive than what she could have found at Walmart. Trying not to feel guilty for her extravagance, she ran her fingers over the binding. Wondered what she should write about first.
It was always intimidating starting a new journal. So much pressure to make everything perfect from the start. It was a relief each time she made her first mistake or two and realized that her journal was far more gracious and forgiving toward her than she was toward herself.
She picked up a pen from her nightstand and thought about what she should say.
Dear God ...
It was a good start, but then what? So many of her prayers lately — and nearly all the ones in her last journal — were about Scott. Even with those that started off as prayers for the unreached peoples of the world or conversations about how much she missed her mom, after a paragraph, half a page at most, the subject always turned back to him.
She was ready for a change. She was tired of the sacrificial gift always getting off the altar, tired of daily surrendering her relationship with Scott to the Lord. It couldn’t go on. It wasn’t healthy for her, and it wasn’t fair to Kitty either. This would be their first Christmas without their mom. Kitty needed a sister who was fully present, who was joyful and content, not a sister whose mind was on the other side of the country conjuring up dreams that could never come true.
Susannah knew how to start her journal.
There’s something I need to get off my chest. I know that nothing comes as a surprise to you, Lord. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely. Nothing is hidden from your sight, none of my thoughts or complaints or foolish longings.
God, you know how much time I’ve wasted over the past few months pining away for things that can never be. I don’t want to live like that anymore. Just like Paul did, help me to forget the things that are behind and strain for what is ahead. I know you have a future for me. I know all your plans for me are good, but I can’t enjoy any of them when I’m still moping about the past.
A year ago, you brought a wonderful, godly man into my life. As our relationship started to progress, I hoped that maybe it would turn into something deeper, but you have other plans for me. And I want to trust you, but I can’t stop thinking about that Bible verse in Psalms about your perfect restoration. I can’t stop thinking about Grandma Lucy’s prayer on Sunday about how you carry everything you start to completion. Or her conversation tonight when she prayed for me and told me that you are the God who restores all things.
I’ve asked you so many times to take that hope and that dream away from me if it wasn’t part of your plan, but now more than ever I’m asking you to somehow restore what was lost. Restore my relationship with Scott so that one day we can ...
Susannah tore the page out of her journal and crumbled it up. Even when she tried to surrender her relationship with Scott to the Lord her unruly heart got in the way.
She put down her pen. There would be time for writing in the days to come. She’d try another prayer of surrender when she wasn’t so tired. Now her only hope was that God would forgive her for clinging so tightly to dreams that could never come true and that her sleep would give her a few hours’ reprieve from the restless longing in her soul.