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“Where are we going?” Susannah asked. The question was purely for the sake of conversation. She would have followed him anywhere.
“A few of my buddies and I found a nice burrito place. It’s not far, only about a ten-minute walk. You aren’t too cold, are you?”
Susannah didn’t tell him that she could brave Siberian winter as long as he stood confidently by her side.
That afternoon, after they’d taken a walk together and he returned to the Kingdom Builders booth in the conference hall, it took every ounce of self-control in Susannah’s spirit not to follow him there. She didn’t know what she would do, maybe just sit behind him and let the realization that he was actually here sink in.
Instead, she had returned to the prayer chapel and poured her heart out to the Lord in her journal.
God, the last thing I want to do is make you disappointed in me again by letting someone come between me and your plans for my life. I’m so confused right now. Part of me is afraid that Scott’s going to want to talk about our relationship again, only I have no idea what to tell him. The rest of me is terrified we’ll just spend these last two days of this conference together, then go our own ways, and that will be it. I don’t know how to go back to Orchard Grove now. I don’t know what to expect. I’ve tried so hard to learn the secret of being content, to serve where you’ve called me, but now my mind is racing and my spirit is crying out for you to guide me.
Mom told me to protect my heart. I did a terrible job with that, and I’ve suffered the consequences ever since she died. Now she’s not here to give me warnings, to tell me what to do. So I have to trust you. You know that if I spend any more time with Scott, it’s going to be nearly impossible for me to not fall in love with him again. Now that we’ve been together, I realize there was never a time when I stopped loving him. I just denied those emotions because I thought that’s what you wanted me to do.
And now he’s here, and it’s even harder to protect my heart. I love him, Lord. I’ve loved him almost from the very beginning. And I did what I could to be the kind of wise, prudent girl Mom raised me to be, but I gave my heart to him so long ago, and the whole time we’ve gone without talking I’ve been missing him because I’ve been missing part of myself.
You are the God who restores, but you are also the God who takes away. You took my mother from me, and she’s someone I know I can never have back again on this side of heaven. And that pain is still so fresh. So raw. I’m scared that even if things start to go well again with Scott that you’ll change your mind, that you’ll rip him away from me a second time, and I’m so tired of mourning. I’m so tired of this heaviness that hangs over me, that steals the abundant joy you promised to those who put their trust in you.
I’m afraid to do it, God, but I’m going to put my hope in you again. Hope that you will guide me and that you’ll understand it’s too hard for me to protect my own heart. You’ll have to do it for me. If Scott’s not the one, if there isn’t any future for the two of us together, if you led us to meet each other at this conference just so we could get some sense of closure, I need you to make that so obvious to us both. Shut those doors.
But if that’s not the case, if you really do have a way in mind for Scott and me to pick up where we left off — to combine our commitment for you and our passion for missions and my love for my sister and the promise I made to my mom — if you can make something actually work out of it, then and only then may things progress any farther than they already have.
I know I’m asking a lot of you, Lord, and I have no right to assume you’ll listen to me, but I pray that out of your grace you’ll either take Scott Phillips out of my life forever or you’ll bring us together where we’ll never have to say goodbye again.
Susannah thought over the words to her prayer as she and Scott made their way to the restaurant.
“You’re quiet,” he remarked once they were a block or two off campus.
“Just got distracted for a minute.” She blushed, but he kept his eyes straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice.
Lord, I wonder what he’s thinking about.
Could it be all those late nights they’d spent talking about their heart for the nations, their plans for the future?
Could it be that ring he’d bought her and never had the opportunity to place on her finger?
No, she couldn’t rush into things. That’s what I mean, God. I’m no good at guarding my own heart, so you’ve got to do it for me.
When a strip of restaurants and store fronts came into view, Scott broke the strained silence. “What are you thinking about?”
Susannah scurried for a response. “Just wondering how Kitty’s doing.”
He smiled down at her. She would have never guessed it from his picture, but he was so tall she barely came up to the middle of his chest.
“It must be hard to be away from her so long when you love her that much.” There was tenderness in his eyes. A significance to his words that she didn’t want to acknowledge.
Her heart quickened, and before she realized it, they had stopped walking. Where was the restaurant? Why weren’t they moving anymore?
He leaned forward.
Susannah’s heart fluttered like the wings of a hummingbird. Dear God, he’s going to do something stupid. Please make him stop.
He reached out his hand. Brushed a little strand of hair that the wind had whipped across her face.
It was the first time they touched.
He leaned down farther.
No, Lord. This is too soon. Tell him to back away.
“Susannah Peters?” The words reverberated throughout her entire body even though he was whispering.
She looked up, her voice quivering. Her whole body quivering. “Yes?”
The smile he rained down on her sent a flood of heat and comfort through her being.
“I’m really glad I found you.”