10: PORNOGRAPHY EXPOSED
THERE’S A POPULAR MIND-SET in today’s sick culture that says pornography is normal, natural, even healthy —certainly no big deal. But the heart cries I hear from teens tell a different story. Consider this letter I got recently from a teen boy:
Does that sound natural to you? Healthy? No, it doesn’t to me either.
Lest you think Ben is somehow unusual, however, and that consuming porn is normally an innocent and harmless activity, consider the experience of my young friend Sean:
For the past three to four years I have struggled with porn. These images that I was using to please my fleshly desires caused an addiction which then led to lusting and longing for women. I understood that it was a sin, but I had never taken it to heart. Eventually I began going from girl to girl, always ending up unsatisfied because I felt no self-worth. I always wanted more, which gave me an empty feeling in my life, which gave me depression. My depression eventually caused me to have several suicidal thoughts, where I was fully prepared to take my life.
Then there was Eddie, a strong, handsome high-school quarterback. When he came to my office during camp not long ago, he started off kind of cocky and smart alecky. But before long his attitude softened, and he asked me, “So how do I get off porn? How do I stop drinking? And how do I stop having sex with girls?”
Eddie wanted one day to marry a godly girl and have a marriage that would last a lifetime. He wanted to be pure for her. But he knew he was hooked on porn.
I could go on quoting kids and telling you about the many I’ve counseled, but you get the picture. The two letters and the conversation I quoted from point to just some of the dangers. Yet, because of the Internet, pornography has become easily and abundantly available, posing perhaps the greatest challenge to sexual purity that young people have ever faced. Let’s take a closer look at what’s going on and why porn is so destructive.
Availability Online
The quantity of porn available online, with just one tap or click, is astounding. It’s been said that whenever a new technology is invented, if it can be put to use by the porn industry, they’ll be among the first to adopt and develop it. Sad but true.
Thirty-five percent of all Internet downloads are porn-related. The biggest porn site is the eighteenth most popular website in the world. It outranks the likes of eBay and Netflix. The world’s largest free porn site received 33.5 billion site visits in 2018, during which 5.5 billion hours of porn were consumed.[1]
On the revenue side, it’s estimated that the porn industry worldwide generates $97 billion annually, with $12 billion of that coming from the U.S.[2]
With that kind of financial incentive, it’s no wonder the porn industry continues to crank out filth week after week. Those who run it care only for the health of their bank accounts, not the health of your mind and spirit.
They’re very clever, too, about how they draw you in. A lot of their content is offered for free and without requiring you to verify you’re eighteen or older. It’s like a drug dealer offering you your first few highs for free, knowing you’re soon likely to become a paying customer.
You may have already experienced another of their tricks, where you’re typing the address for a reputable website into your browser but you unfortunately mistype it —maybe by only one character. Suddenly your screen is full of enticing pornographic images. Your mistyping might have been an accident, but where you ended up was the result of an intentional, diabolical scheme.
Porn’s Addictive Nature
Once you’ve been exposed to porn, it can quickly become addicting. In some cases, one image is all it takes.
Consider one severely sex-addicted pastor who was working with a therapist to overcome his compulsion. Here’s a part of their first meeting:
“How did it all begin?” I asked him the first time he came to see me. “Do you have long-term problems viewing porn from either magazines, the Internet, DVDs, adult entertainment clubs, etc.?”
“I never did any of those things; I don’t have to,” he said. “When I was twelve, my cousin showed me a black-and-white photo of a naked woman. I never forgot it. That image is engraved in my brain and runs through my mind twenty to thirty times a day. It completely controls me.”[3]
I don’t use the words addicting and addiction lightly, either. Brain scans have shown that when porn is viewed or recalled in fantasy, it sets off neurochemical changes in the central nervous system. Pleasure centers in the brain are activated, releasing the neurochemicals dopamine and epinephrine. The effect is similar to that triggered by opioid drugs such as heroin. Says one expert in sexual addiction, “A person can easily become dependent upon and addicted to these neurochemicals. . . . To be blunt, it is a form of mental and physical slavery.”[4]
The only person or thing to which you ever want to become a slave is the One who loves you best, Jesus Christ (see 1 Peter 2:15-17).
Distorted View of Women
Another way in which porn challenges sexual purity is that it distorts our view of women, turning them into sex objects. Ben spoke to this at the beginning of the chapter when he said, “The images I had seen had corrupted my mind and altered how I viewed the girls around me.”
Ben went on to write that by his freshman year in high school, “I was so tired of looking at girls like objects. I wanted to have real friendships with them without the constant sexual thoughts that plagued my head.”
The fact is, pornography teaches men to view women as nothing more than the means to their sexual satisfaction. It conveys the idea that women exist only to serve and give pleasure to men. It implies that whatever a man may want to try sexually, his partner should and will want to go along with it and will enjoy it just as much as he does.
Porn is a male-dominated industry, and the large majority of customers have been men (though more and more women are getting hooked too). So it should come as no surprise that porn pictures a world in which male pleasure is seen as the foremost objective, and women are there simply to provide it.
Distorted View of the Purpose of Sex
As I’ve said elsewhere in this book, sex is an amazing gift from the God who created us and loves us. It’s meant to unite a husband and wife not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. It’s meant to provide that sense of closeness —of oneness —that all human beings long to experience with another person —that one person with whom we have a deeper, richer, lifelong relationship like no other. In some mysterious way, the apostle Paul told us, it even pictures the connection between Jesus and His church (see Ephesians 5:31-32).
None of that perspective is seen in porn, of course. Porn is a corruption of God’s great gift, a lie from the pit of hell. In porn, sex is only about the physical act, the momentary pleasure, the selfish pursuit of one’s own gratification and the careless use of others to get it.
In a healthy marriage, sex is primarily about serving and pleasing your spouse. In porn, it’s all about getting what you want.
In a healthy marriage, sex is about drawing closer to the one you have pledged to love for a lifetime. In porn, sex is about using your partner of the moment, then moving on to the next.
In a healthy marriage, sex is about knowing and being known by your spouse at a deeper level than is possible in any other relationship. In porn, you don’t even know your partner’s name, nor do you care.
In the context of a God-honoring marriage, sex is physically pleasurable —yes! —but that’s only the beginning of the joy and the connection it provides. In porn, sex is physically enjoyable, period. There’s nothing more.
Don’t let porn distort your view of sex. Don’t let it rob you of what God intends for you. Don’t accept anything less than His best.
Porn “Sold” as Normal
As I said at the beginning of this chapter, one of the lies of our culture related to pornography is that it’s normal, natural, and even healthy. It’s sometimes promoted as a way for couples to spice up their sex life.
A leading champion of this point of view was the late Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine. Though raised in a Christian home, he promoted the idea that since we all have sexual urges and they’re often strong, they should be indulged almost without restriction. And he was happy to provide the pornographic images to help fuel those appetites.
Jesus was crystal clear, however, in stating that engaging in sexual thoughts (let alone actions) about anyone other than your spouse is sin. He declared, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).
Psychologist and marriage expert Dr. Greg Smalley wrote this: “Because porn is self-centered and self-serving, it doesn’t require that husbands be lovers of their wives. In the counterfeit world of porn, sex simply involves an image or video. . . . In fantasyland, it’s easy to pursue a perfectly air-brushed woman who acts like a nymphomaniac, never has a headache, needs no foreplay, and requires no ongoing relationship. Porn rewires the brain to focus on ‘you’ —not on intimacy.”[5]
So I would simply ask again, does that description make porn consumption sound like normal behavior? Natural? Healthy?
No, all efforts to normalize the use of porn are perverse attempts to cover up the fact that it’s wrong, it’s shameful, and it’s destructive to healthy relationships. It’s also, as Jesus said, just plain sinful.
It Makes True Intimacy Impossible
Using porn also makes true intimacy with another person, like a spouse, impossible. Dr. Smalley explains, “If you slow the pronunciation of intimacy, you get ‘in-to-me-see.’ That sounds like being known by another.”[6] But if you’re using porn, you’re keeping secrets. You’re hiding a significant part of yourself from others —including, if you’re married, your most-important “other.” You’re not allowing your spouse to know you completely. In fact, you’re spending time and energy to keep your sin hidden.
Any relationship burdened with dark secrets is tainted by guilt. By fear of discovery. By the knowledge that you’re denying part of yourself to the person you profess to love. And by the understanding that the affection you should be giving only to your life partner is in fact being shared with the make-believe partners in the porn you’re viewing.
These thoughts and feelings can’t contribute to a healthy relationship —they can only harm it and may even kill it.
The Dream-Stealer
For all these reasons, I call pornography the world’s biggest dream-stealer. If I were to ask you what you dream of having one day as an adult, I’m guessing most of you would include a wonderful marriage, a wonderful home, and wonderful kids on your wish list. But porn will take all that from you.
Let’s face it. When you’re addicted to something evil, when you see women primarily or only as sex objects, when you have a corrupted view of what sex is all about, and when you’re unable to be truly intimate with your life partner —a wonderful marriage and a wonderful home become impossible.
Porn will spoil your wedding night.
Porn will make your spouse seem boring by comparison.
Porn will rob you of your integrity when you talk to your children someday about moral issues.
Porn will draw your heart and mind away from Jesus.
Now, I know that when you’re young, your focus is on today. It’s hard to even think about what the future may look like. It’s difficult to imagine how the decisions you make today will affect the shape of your tomorrows. But if you pause to consider it for a moment, does it make sense to do things now that will steal those good and godly dreams you have for your “someday” family? Is it wise to do things now that will cause a lifetime of regrets? These are what are called “rhetorical questions,” because the answers are obvious.
So don’t let porn take away your dreams. Don’t let it ruin your life.
But how do you stay free from porn? And if you’re already addicted, how do you break its hold on you? Here are eight essential steps to take:
1. See It for What It Is
Pornography is a tool of Satan, the archenemy of God and the enemy of your soul. God’s Word says of Satan, “Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). He would like for that someone to be you.
But the Bible also tells us, “Satan disguises himself as an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14). In order to entice us, Satan makes sin look good! So he gets moviemakers to plant nudity in that new PG-13 or R-rated movie that everyone’s raving about and “has a great plot.” He leads musicians to put immoral lyrics in that song that all your friends have on their playlists.
Don’t fall for his tricks. Don’t lower your standards.
2. Confess the Sin Biblically
Agree with God that all porn —and every decision to look at it —is sin. Don’t try to sugarcoat it.
And when you’ve sinned with porn, take it to the cross —to Jesus. Ask for and receive His forgiveness.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death” (Romans 8:1-2).
Then turn away from the sin. The biblical word is repent. After sinning, King David wrote, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).
David also told God, “I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’; and You forgave the guilt of my sin” (Psalm 32:5).
3. Use the Power of Your Will
King David resolved, “I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart. I will set no worthless thing before my eyes” (Psalm 101:2-3).
That’s a good resolution for you and me, too.
So get rid of all your porn! Get rid of the magazines under your bed. Throw away images from your locker. Delete stored images from your computer or phone. Clear out your history on your computer or phone.
The apostle Paul wrote to the young man Timothy, “Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).
Set a goal. Stick with it. Your will is the strongest “muscle” in your body.
Do everything you can to help yourself succeed. Keep your bedroom door open whenever possible. Don’t be alone. Use your computer where the rest of your family gathers. Spend more time with real people and less time on-screen. Don’t go to stores that sell porn. Don’t hang out with friends who look at porn.
4. Fill Your Mind with Scripture
When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness three times, three times He replied, “It is written . . .” and then He quoted Scripture. He knew the Old Testament Scriptures perfectly, of course, and He knew the Word was the perfect weapon to fight off temptation.
Similar wisdom was expressed by the psalmist when he wrote, “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked [pornographers, for example], nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night” (Psalm 1:1-2, emphasis added).
A mind full of God’s Word helps to drive out lustful thoughts. Chapters 19 and 20 of this book will help you learn how to fill your mind with the Word.
5. Set Olympic Standards
A strong, healthy marriage in which your spouse doesn’t have to compete with pornographic images in your mind is gold. Intimacy with God is gold. A clear conscience is gold.
Don’t settle for bronze.
In choosing a movie or a TV show to watch, in picking a video game to play, or in deciding where to go on the Internet, think about what you really want in life. Don’t make choices that will deprive you of the real gold.
6. Develop Accountability
Find a person or group of people of your same sex who love you enough to hold you accountable for your conduct online —the youth pastor at your church can help you find a mentor or a study group. Give these people permission to ask you the tough questions: “Are you pure? Has there been anything pornographic in your life this week? Have you done anything that’s bothering your conscience?”
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
7. Hate Sin
Now, hate is a word that’s used a lot these days, almost always in a negative sense, so maybe you think it’s too harsh or just the wrong word to use here. But consider these words from David the psalmist: “Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with the utmost hatred; they have become my enemies” (Psalm 139:21-22).
Sin is the antithesis of God —your sins and mine are why Jesus needed to go to the cross. And pornography, a vile corruption of God’s good design for the greatest human intimacy, is sin. It deserves our hatred.
8. Guard Your Heart!
Your moral purity is too precious, too important to take lightly. So put burglar alarms on your eyes, your ears, and your fingertips. Memorize and never forget the words of Proverbs 4:23: “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.”
A renowned researcher named Dr. Nikolaas Tinbergen once discovered which markings and color patterns on a female butterfly were most irresistible to a male butterfly. He then built cardboard dummy female butterflies and painted them with those markings and colors. Finally, he placed his dummies in the same area as the real butterflies.
What he found, amazingly, was that the male butterflies would ignore the real female butterflies and obsessively try to mate with the decoys.[7]
Pornography is no more real than those cardboard butterflies. It’s built on nothing but lies.
This isn’t surprising when we remember that Satan is “a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44). Since he hates God and all of God’s good creation, Satan also hates the true intimacy that God intends for husbands and wives to enjoy. And porn is one of his most effective weapons for destroying it.
Don’t be fooled by the false promises of porn.
Don’t let it steal your dreams for a gold-standard future.
Don’t settle for a “cardboard” imitation of God’s true best for you.
Discussion Questions
- What are some of the ways pornography corrupts the gift of sex?
- Why are lustful thoughts essentially the same as physical adultery in Jesus’ eyes?
- Which of the eight steps to staying free from porn would be most helpful to you right now? Why?