20: BECOMING THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE, PART 2
BEING A POSITIVE INFLUENCE AND HAVING A VISION for the future are qualities you definitely want to be known for. But now let me mention three more traits that will help you live with God-honoring sexual integrity in our world of sexual lies.
Reputation
I met a girl at Southern Methodist University during my college football days more than a few years ago. A cheerleader, she always brought the crowd to its feet as she led our team into the stadium doing round-off back handsprings across the Astroturf. Debbie-Jo was probably the poorest girl at SMU. After losing their dad in a plane crash when she was four, her family of five kids struggled just to keep the bills paid. But even though she couldn’t shop at Neiman Marcus like many other SMU girls, Debbie-Jo came to class each day in the finest designer clothes you ever laid your eyes on.
Seventeen magazine and Teen Vogue would have dispatched photographers to Dallas daily if their magazines could fathom the depth of her true beauty. Though their camera lenses would only have seen faded jeans and workout clothes, the clothes I noticed on her were the fibers of her unquestionable reputation. Reputation is how you really look. It’s how you dress yourself every day —not in cotton, silk, or nylon, but in the lifestyle that attracts men’s or ladies’ hearts (not just their eyes).
I’ll never forget calling Debbie-Jo for the first time during her junior year at the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority house, where she lived. Her roommate answered the phone and let me know Debbie-Jo was at a party with the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity. I asked her roommate if Debbie-Jo would be drinking, and to my amazement, her roommate replied as if shocked, “Definitely not. Debbie-Jo never drinks.”
No wonder guys and girls at SMU respected her so. No wonder so many guys would have given anything to develop a real relationship with her. No wonder I “fell over dead” for her. No wonder she continues to be more intimately attractive to me with each passing year! No wonder her two daughters are so much like her!
I define reputation as the way the people you care about most would describe you. The three primary issues that affect your reputation as a young person are alcohol, drugs, and sex. I believe this story by a fourteen-year-old girl I met one summer describes it best:
A high-school newspaper called the Westside Glance featured an article titled “S.C.A.M.” that uncovered the mystery of why the guys and girls who wear the real designer clothes (a first-class reputation) are rare commodities in our sexy world.
Scam, described by Westside students as a “casual sexual relationship with no commitment,” can spell problems and pain for many teenagers.
To some, “scamming” is a sure way to get hurt. “Girls are more often taken advantage of,” Barb Goeser, senior, said. “If a guy scams a lot, everyone thinks he’s a stud. If a girl scams a lot, everyone thinks she’s a whore. It’s a real double standard,” she said. Goeser said that if each person involved in the relationship would “keep their mouth shut,” no one would be taken advantage of or hurt.
“It’s just good, clean fun at the time,” Steve Laird, junior, said. “Later on, or the next day at school it gets to be a problem. The girl feels taken advantage of,” Laird said.
Most people scam because they “don’t want the relationship and just want the action,” Terry Beutler, senior, said.
“Scamming is bad,” Shannon Donaldson, senior, said. “It shows that you have no respect for the other person and no respect for yourself.”
“The problem with scamming is that everyone knows about what the girl does Monday at school,” Debbie Koory, junior, said.
“Scamming can be good or bad,” Jim Simon, senior, said. “Someone can get hurt, but it’s a good way to have a sexual relationship without making a serious commitment. In high school, it’s important to have fun, and for a lot of people, scamming is just a way to have a good time.”[1]
The cartoon presented with the article says it all:
The tragedy about the flippant attitude toward someone’s reputation is that someday everyone, and I mean everyone, will care. There’s no double standard in regard to reputation. I’ve seen the most oblivious “studs” in high school become the most conscientious fathers on earth. They would give everything for a clean reputation before their wives and kids. Don’t be deceived! If anything, we men need to raise a higher standard and really take the lead in building and protecting a girl’s reputation. A college boy named Mark was sharp enough to know this truth!
Mark was dating a young woman named Mary. He had made a commitment to never go beyond kissing before marriage. At night when he’d come home from his dates with Mary, his roommate, John, would question him about the physical side of the relationship. Mark would always tell John the same story: “John, we only kiss. That’s the way it’s going to be. I want her honeymoon and marriage to be pure and guilt-free, whether it’s me she marries or someone else.”
John would poke fun at Mark in a way that only college roommates can do. But Mark held his ground.
As the months went by, Mark and Mary decided to break up and remain “just friends” for a lifetime.
Guess who began dating Mary after that? You got it —John. They dated, fell in love, and were married.
Guess who John’s best man was? You guessed it again —Mark.
After a wonderful wedding, John put his arm around Mark and, with tears of gratitude in his eyes, said to his best friend, “Mark, I used to kid you about being so pure with Mary. But buddy, I can never thank you enough for treating her like you did. I owe you more than you’ll ever know.”
Do you want to wear the most desirable “clothes” every day for the rest of your life? Well, toss the tight sweater and suggestive jeans, and slip into something that will look really hot —especially when the day of days comes and you walk down the wedding aisle into the arms of the man or woman of your dreams.
Here are some guidelines to help you do that:
- Establish your standard. Write it down. Aim low and you’ll hit it every time. Aim high and walk with the best “dressers” in the land.
- Share your standard with someone who really cares about you, and ask the person to hold you accountable to your goal.
- Select good friends to hang out with. You are who you’re with. “Bad company corrupts good morals” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
- Stay a million miles away from drugs and alcohol. As my fifteen-year-old friend Chad said, “Alcohol and drugs begin to control you. They get to your head and make you do things you never would have considered doing.”
- Be careful with music, TV, movies, websites, and social media. If you see it or think about it enough, eventually it gets in your blood.
- Don’t go alone to the house or room of anyone of the opposite sex. Date rape, seduction, and mere rumor leave countless victims with tattered reputations every day.
- Become an expert at saying no. When someone asks you to drink, tell ’em you don’t look good in a lampshade (and smile). When someone tries to force sex, tell ’em your dad is a Green Beret and trains Dobermans for a living.
- Build a friendship, not a sexual partnership. If someone isn’t interested in you without the physical, he or she is not after love but sex and is not worth gambling your reputation on.
- If someone gossips about others to you, they’ll gossip to others about you. Choose your conversations wisely.
- What goes around, comes around. Protect your date’s reputation and he or she will be more likely to protect yours. And who knows —you may start a positive trend at your school!
Courage
Spartan soldiers, though never noted for their flattery, have been admired for centuries for their matchless courage on the field of battle.
Around 350 B.C., when the Greek Empire was the strongest power on earth, Philip of Macedonia sought to conquer and subdue the Spartan people. Philip brought a huge army to their border and issued a decree that stated, “If you do not submit at once, I will invade your country. And if I invade, I will pillage and burn everything you hold dear. If I march into Laconia, I will level your great city to the ground.”
The Spartans sent Philip their brief and typically blunt reply. Philip’s eyes narrowed in anger as he read their one-word challenge: “If.”[2]
“If” —that was it. You can fill in the blanks yourself. Imagine all the challenges that surrounded their one-word answer. “If you’re bad enough!” “If you’re as tough as you think you are.” “If you wanna get smoked.” “If you fight as tough as you talk.”
Saying “If” to the Macedonians is like a seventeen-year-old boy or girl in the crucible of sexual pressure saying no.
Saying “If” to the general of the world’s greatest army takes courage.
Saying no to the ruler of darkness and his scheme to dethrone you from God’s plan for a kingly or queenly reign as blissfully, sexually married takes equal courage.
It took great courage for my seventeen-year-old friend Lisa to fight off a “street man” when she was brutally attacked. Her face and hip were broken in an attempted rape, but with the help of a dear woman who heard her cries for help, Lisa, at all of 116 pounds, held off the intruder.
It took equal courage for Monica to break up with her boyfriend after giving her heart to Jesus one summer at camp. He was the heartthrob of almost every girl in school; he had become her security blanket. In many ways, in fact, he had become her idol, and they had engaged in sex many times. But now, Monica knew she was “a new creation in Christ.” For five tearful days, we talked about “counting the cost” of turning to Christ. She knew she must choose God (and her own long-range good) or Shane (and her immediate pleasure).
After great deliberation, her courage won, and she chose God.
It took equal courage and perhaps even greater fortitude for a young man I’ve known for years to take his girlfriend to her home night after night until they were married. She felt that sex was acceptable before marriage. He didn’t. Their honeymoon was their first time together. To Travis, love wasn’t something you “made,” it was something that grew inside two people’s hearts over the course of a lifetime.
My courageous oldest brother, Bob, has always been one of my dearest heroes. He has long cherished, admired, and served the only love he’s ever known. His wife, Mary Evelyn, developed kidney failure, and her condition worsened so quickly that in a matter of days, her unfiltered blood rendered her dead on the charts and medical standards. A donor kidney was not available with an exact match to her tissue type. Her plight looked hopeless until Bob asked to have his kidney tested for compatibility.
Miraculously, his (though about two times the size of hers) matched perfectly. Quickly, the surgeons rushed the two lovebirds into the operating room. He came out missing a kidney and three ribs, and with some back and side pain that will be his “love reminder” until he dies. She came out with a filtering system that works flawlessly. He laughs at his pain. She’ll probably outlive him. He would have given her his heart if that was what she needed.
Character
Character is what you do when nobody else is looking. Whereas reputation is how other people would describe you, character is how God would. Whereas vision makes you a good “human doing,” character makes you a good “human being.” Character says no to wrongdoing and puts muscle behind it.
A seventeen-year-old unmarried mother came to a friend of mine seeking advice. The girl was hurting badly, her tears had been many, and she couldn’t “go it” alone. She had failed to “flee the temptation.”
During her junior year in high school, she met a guy who was everything a girl could ask for. He was the most popular boy in school; he was cute; he was a talented athlete. But his reputation with girls was bad. He prided himself in always getting what he wanted on a date.
She was attracted to him but turned off by his reputation. Two weeks went by, and she got the phone call. He asked her to a movie. A little red flag went up in her mind.
Her emotions were calm; she had ten seconds to say no. She rationalized, There will be lots of people there. Maybe I can help him. Okay, I’ll go.
He picked her up as planned. She stayed on her side of the car. As they passed the theater, he said, “I’ve seen that show; it’s boring. Let’s go to the beach. There’re lots of kids down there, and we can play some volleyball and stuff.”
The second red flag went up in her mind.
She again felt in control and rationalized that with all the kids around, there would be no problems. She said, “Let’s go.” When they got to the beach, no one else was there. He said, “Wow, the party must have moved. Let’s just talk a little while.”
The third red flag went up.
She found it harder and harder to say no. She had less time to make decisions, and the pressure was growing. She agreed to stay. After thirty minutes of chatter, he moved over to her side of the seat. He calmly put his arm around her shoulders and began to “make his moves” to arouse her emotions.
The fourth red flag went up in her mind and was big and easy to see.
The flags kept flying. She kept giving in. Nine months later, she gave birth to an unwanted, fatherless baby.
Character gives you the strength to stand on your own two feet and do what you know is the right thing.
Johnny Ferrier is a “Hero Forever” at our sports camps. He was loved by everyone. He was a fine athlete, America’s “Top Gun” fighter pilot, father of three awesome kids —Johnny had it all. (His best gift was definitely his character.) One day in a giant air show, to the amazement of a half million viewers, as Johnny acrobatically flew his Sabre jet, the steering mechanism locked up. His commanding officer repeatedly ordered Johnny to bail out. Johnny refused the order and, with brute strength, manually guided the plane into a backyard garden, the only open spot he could find in a heavily populated community.
Nobody was hurt but Johnny. He died on impact. No one who knew Johnny well was surprised by his last heroic deed. His character had always guided him to do what he knew was right, no matter what personal sacrifice it entailed.
Shannon Marketic is like a daughter to me. We’ve been close friends for years. I’ve always admired her character. As a teenager, at the urging of friends and family, she entered the Miss California pageant. Before a panel of liberal and politically correct judges, Shannon was asked who her hero was. She looked steadily into their eyes and said, “Jesus Christ.” Expecting a much more hardline feminist viewpoint, the judges pressed for another answer. Shannon responded, “Next to Jesus, it would have to be my dad.”
She won the crown. The judges were criticized for giving the crown to an outspoken Christian. One judge responded, “Well, she was the only candidate who knew what she stood for and wouldn’t back down.”
At the Miss USA pageant, she had two chances to give more “popular” answers to difficult questions. She again stuck to her convictions, knowing that character was more important than a crown.
Again, she won the title.
After her year as Miss USA was over, Hollywood rushed to her with millions of dollars’ worth of movie roles to perform. They all had sexual themes. She refused them. For years, Shannon and her family were broke. They could have used the money. The last chapter of her book hasn’t been written, but when it is, her character will be spelled out on every page.
Andy Ellett was the point guard of our local high-school basketball team and the quarterback of our football team. Once a week, he helped me lead eight of his buddies in a Bible study. Every Friday morning, he led the Fellowship of Christian Athletes meeting of forty to fifty students. His goal was to walk his talk and leave a legacy of Christian example in the high school. I heard him pray many times. His prayers often included asking God to bless his future wife, whoever and wherever she was. Andy Ellett was not a world-class athlete. He did, however, have world-class character.
USA Today loves to shock us with all the terrible “teen statistics” and horror stories of teens killing each other, holding up stores, getting drunk, raping, and committing suicide. Never do they report the thousands of teenagers and college students I’ve met from New York to California who are saying,
“No, thanks, I don’t drink.”
“No, thanks, I don’t go to that kind of movie.”
“No, thanks, I won’t be going to that party.”
“Maybe I’d better take you home. Things might get a little out of hand if we kiss any longer.”
“I’d rather protect your purity than satisfy my pleasure.”
“No, thanks, I can’t go out with you. I’m busy with family that night.”
Yes, American morality may be sliding, but the reason we won World War I and World War II and continue to amaze the world with our strength is that amid all the crime and selfish, hedonistic, headline-grabbing living, there are men and women of character in this country as in no other nation on earth.
I still cherish the letter of great character I received from a teenage friend named Jenni. Jenni knows what makes true love grow.
Character is definitely one of the most-prized qualities that any person, young or old, will ever possess.
Lou Holtz won many football games at Arkansas and Notre Dame. Lou’s right-hand assistant told me once that every year at the team’s first fall meeting, he would tell the players, “All right, guys, there are only two rules around here: 1. Do what’s right. 2. Don’t do what’s wrong. Any questions?” There were never any questions.
Every time you say no when everybody else is wrongly saying yes, you develop character.
Every time you put someone else’s needs above your wants, you develop character.
Every time you put God first in your life, you develop character.
Every time you ask, “What would Jesus do?” when faced with a tough decision, you develop character.
Character makes great athletes, great wives, great husbands, great moms and dads, great leaders, great team captains, great girlfriends and boyfriends, and most importantly, great witnesses for Christ.
A letter from an eighteen-year-old guy named Dennis says it all:
Trust me, young women and men, when it’s right —when you give your virginity or secondary virginity to your spouse on your wedding night —you’ll be starting one of life’s most amazing journeys, and you’ll be enjoying God’s favor. Remember, He made you, He knows you, He loves you, and He is for you. He wants nothing but the best for you. You can start today by committing your life fully to Him and then drawing on His strength and wisdom day by day.
O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man [or woman] who takes refuge in Him!
Discussion Questions
- Which of the personal traits described in this chapter do you most need to develop in your own life? Why?
- In your own words, how can you develop a good reputation and still also have a satisfying social life?
- If character is what you do when nobody else is looking, what does your character say about the present state of your sexual purity? How might that need to change? And what have you learned in this book that will help you make that change?