5: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS

THE BIG, DRIPPY TEARS that rested against his lower eyelids and dampened his long, brown lashes said everything about the sincerity of his heart.

“I want that picture you just painted so I can hang it in my room,” the big, strapping, fifteen-year-old football player said.

I had just finished a heart-to-heart talk to several hundred rambunctious teenagers at our sports camp. In the course of it, I had painted a descriptive (and not very professional) picture to illustrate my message.

The subject was sex. The audience became intensely inquisitive and thoughtful as I described God’s incredible plan for a lifetime of love, satisfaction, fun, and yes, sexual intimacy in His most exciting plan for a man and a woman —committed marriage.

“What’s your name, and why do you want the picture?” I asked as I picked up on his moment of sensitive reflection.

“Uh, my name’s Jason, and, well, you see, when I turned fifteen this year, my dad gave me a condom and told me to put it in my wallet. He said I might be needing it when I was out with a girl —you know, if we wanted to have sex or something.”

Wow, I thought, what kind of crazy father would do something so bizarre? “So,” I asked, “why do you want the picture?”

“Well,” he continued, “I knew he was wrong for suggesting that, but I didn’t know why. Tonight you told me what he didn’t. I want what you were talking about tonight. You see, I need the picture to hang in my room as a reminder, so I won’t make a mistake. I don’t want a one-night stand. I want my love life to last.”

Guess what? Three years later, Jason had turned eighteen, and we had become close friends. He had held on to his sexual purity. He’d had countless chances to take out a girl who’d spoil his vision for his marriage, but he had a dream, and he was determined that no sexual temptation was worth the price of “waking him up” and ending his dream. Then Jason called me one day, as he had become attracted to a special girl, and we had the best time discussing how he could establish a creative, fun relationship with his new flame that would eliminate sex as a pressure and a worry.

“Where there is no vision, the people perish,” Proverbs 29:18 says (KJV). Without “great sexpectations” (that is, a personal vision for a fifty-plus-year love life with the “bride of your dreams” or with “Mr. Right-knight-in-shining-armor”), countless young victims will continue to succumb to the unprecedented sexual pressures applied by the oversexed media. The media constantly promote the lie that virginity and true love are nothing more than a fleeting childhood fantasy.

They couldn’t be more misleading. They couldn’t be more dead wrong. You see, our God is a very creative God.

Our God is a very loving God.

Our God is by far the greatest inventor of all time.

Our God is also One who likes good things to be the best, and He desires for you the best things in life —like love, sex, and intimacy —to last for a lifetime. He’s not interested in sponsoring a cheap substitute.

I’m a biologist by education and continue to study the science of creationism with a passion. There’s no doubt in my mind that God created Adam and Eve. (The appendix, titled Intelligent Design, contains a summary of my personal study.) And it dawned on me not long ago that the first thing Adam and Eve probably did after they stopped gawking at each other was to discover God’s gift of sexual oneness. Sounds crazy, but I’m married too! That’s the way God intended sex to be!

Take a creative, loving, pleasing God, add a man and a woman with wedding bands and two hearts united till death do them part, and you’ve got a combination that proves true love is better than you ever dreamed it would be.

I’ve been married more than forty-four years, and holding my bride’s hand and kissing her tenderly is still more satisfying, dearly affectionate, and fun than it was the time before. My wife is fantastic. I love her more today than I did the day I slipped the diamond ring into the surprise packet in the Cracker Jack box I handed her atop a beautiful Ozark mountain!

Meanwhile, the condom-crazed, neon-lighted, media-blitzed, alcohol-filled world looks for new ways to gain personal satisfaction every day. Forty- and fifty-year-old men and women fill the singles bars and online dating sites like mosquitoes in a Mississippi swamp . . . searching, stalking, hiding, wishing, looking for love in all the wrong places.

As I said earlier, I receive a lot of letters from teenage friends around the country, and my favorite part of my work with kids at our sports camp is talking through hurts and finding solutions to their problems.

I’ve reproduced below some of what they’ve told me. These are real stories with real people just like you. I pray they’ll help you solidify your thinking on this all-important area of your life.

ROB

I had been dating this girl for about five or six months. She was my first real girlfriend. After a few months, I started testing her and how far she would let me go. She kept letting me do whatever I wanted. Well, I believe we went too far. We never had sex, but it got to the point where all we would do on dates would be hug and touch each other. I knew it was wrong, so I started becoming very guilty about all that was taking place. We were best friends, and now we only talk every once in a while. It took a year before I asked God to forgive me for what I had done. During that year, I had many nightmares about what I had done to this girl and felt so guilty. I still have bad memories of the experience, and I know that the devil keeps bringing it up, but I also know God forgave me for what I did.

I believe it was a learning experience I will never forget.

JENNIFER

In September, I had the biggest crush in the world on this gorgeous college guy. I was only sixteen, so I thought I had no chance with him. One day, though, one of his closest friends told me he was interested in me. I was ecstatic. Guys never noticed me before, and now I had a chance with an incredible college guy. I thought everything was perfect.

When he finally asked me out, I was shaking so hard. I thought there was no way things could get better, and they didn’t. Everyone warned me about him. I didn’t hear one single good thing about him, yet I still liked him. My brother begged and threatened me about it, but I wouldn’t stop. Our first date passed, and he didn’t try to kiss me, so I thought there was no way he was using me. On our second date, we went to the movies. I was so nervous because I’d never kissed anyone before, and I thought he would try. He did, and I did kiss him, which led to a little fooling around. After that, he wouldn’t stop. I kept saying no, and he kept trying. I pushed him away, and he tried again. It scared me, but not enough to stop liking him. On our third date, everything went wrong. We were alone together, and first thing, he kissed me; then he took me over to the bed and turned out the lights. Things started getting pretty intimate, so I started pulling away. He wouldn’t let me, though. I started saying, “No, no,” over and over again, but it was like he didn’t hear.

He pinned me down and did different things to me. I just kept saying, “No.” He started saying things in a mean tone like, “Don’t be a baby,” “Grow up,” “Stop trying to be so good all the time.” Things happened that night too terrible to describe.

MICHAEL

I messed up big time my junior year of high school. I started having regular sex with my girlfriend. I was a Christian, therefore the momentary pleasure was there, but the relationship was a miserable one. I am still scared from the instances that took place. It took me until the summer before my freshman year at college (during camp) before I realized that God had already forgiven me, but I wasn’t letting go. I found out that I have to totally let go of something to keep it from holding me down. I will never completely forget what happened during my junior year in high school. But I worship an awesome and forgiving God. I know I shall reap what I sow, and that is the most important thing to know. I can’t tell you how ashamed I am, all because of a few months of pleasure. The biggest statement I would like to make is the fact that I would give anything to take it back and to have my virginity still to this day. Hang on to it; you will only know later how happy you’ll be!

JAKE

I have made many mistakes in my life, including having had sex once. Afterward, I felt very bad and empty inside. I prayed and prayed that God would forgive me for this very, very stupid mistake. I felt whole once again afterward (after praying). That is important to me, because I know that He is always there for me no matter what I do, as long as I ask for His forgiveness. To me, there is no such thing as “safe sex”; the only safe sex is when you’re married.

How can God’s perfect picture of our sexual intimacy, framed so carefully in His delicate plan, be that shattered and yet subsequently mended so perfectly? I believe the answer is found in the heart of the Master Painter Himself. You see, He paints the original, and He alone can repaint the portrait and remount it in a more secure frame, the cost of which is a gold wedding band.

As God visited planet Earth in the flesh for thirty-three precious years, He opened a picture window into His fatherly heart through the eyes, hands, ears, and voice of His Son, Jesus Christ. His view of personal failure in sexuality comes through loud and clear in the book of John, chapter 8.

The scene described there was chaotic and real to the core. The One who made you and controls your destiny was confronted by a mob of pious religious leaders dragging a half-dressed woman who had just been caught sleeping with someone else’s husband. She was embarrassed, dismayed, and frightened for her life.

The law of the day stated that such a woman (as well as the man involved) should be stoned to death. Yet Jesus’ law was summed up in one word: forgiveness. The religious leaders brought the woman to the Christ to trap Him between two laws. He was definitely caught between a rock and a hard place! “What should we do with this woman?” the religious leaders questioned with stones in hand, ready for the public killing ceremony.

As always, Jesus was adequate for the occasion. And as always, He was full of surprises. Instead of answering the question orally, He simply wrote on the sandy ground with His finger. We don’t know what He wrote, but I speculate He was drawing attention away from the embarrassed woman and onto Himself. Perhaps He was writing, at the feet of some of the men, the room number at the local Holiday Inn where they, too, had entered into sin.

Whatever He wrote, it set them back on their heels. Then the knockout punch was thrown when He said, “Let the one among you who has not sinned cast the first stone.”

The eyewitness account says they all dropped their stones and bailed.

Jesus then turned to face the woman with the same tender eyes with which He views you today, and He said, “Woman, where are your accusers?”

She saw that they had run away and replied, “There are none, Lord.”

To which God’s only Son replied, “Neither do I condemn you [You are loved; you are accepted; you are forgiven.]; go your way. From now on sin no more” (John 8:11, paraphrased). She did as she was told. She clothed herself with the righteousness of Christ and became one of His closest followers.

Through tears of gratitude, I see Him repeating His miraculously forgiving words to teenagers when they come to me as a guide to the cross of Christ.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8).

Diane, at age fourteen, has already learned how real His forgiving touch can be. Here’s her story:

DIANE

I slept with a guy. I’d known him for a long time but hadn’t seen him in a while. When we saw each other, we both noticed each other. He was good friends with my older brother, so he’d come over a lot. Every time he came over, we would flirt and talk a lot. My family joked with me and said we liked each other, but I always denied it. One day, my family went out of town and left me at home. Someone was staying with me, but she didn’t get to my house until late that night.

My brother’s friends (like four of them) stayed at the house to look out for me. After everyone left, that one guy came back. We kissed and “messed around,” then he left. But he started calling me. Every time he came over, we would somehow end up alone. We would talk and laugh and kiss. He made a remark about how I should sneak out and come to his house. Being only fourteen, I thought that would be cool, so one night I did. I didn’t plan on having sex with him, but one thing led to another, and I did. I told him I didn’t want to, but he said, “You know you’re going to do it, so would you rather do it with me, or would you rather it be someone else?” I thought for a second and still said no, but when he wouldn’t give up, I just went for it. I thought I’d end up doing it anyway, so I might as well do it with someone I knew real well.

We still talked and were friends, and a few weeks later, I snuck out again and slept with him again. We remained friends for a few weeks, then some people found out, and we stopped talking to each other. I saw him recently when I was out with my friends; I said, “Hi.” He said the same, then he introduced me to his girlfriend, but not with my name. He called me “Matt’s little sister.” I thought, When do I get my name? When will I stop being the “little sister”? I knew then how shallow and foolish the whole thing was. I deeply regret what I did. I’ve made a promise to myself and God that I will never do it again. I’ve made my boundaries so I’ll never do anything like that again. God has forgiven me, and I’m a spiritual virgin again. Although this is my second virginity, it will be with me until I’m married.

With that kind of commitment, you can look ahead with real hope. I believe your fondest dreams can become reality if, while you’re reading this book, you’ll ask and answer this question: In twenty years, when you’re happily married, what will you wish you had done this year?

In twenty years, if you were to look back at your “dating era” and write a personal autobiography about your intimate moments, how would you want it to read? Let the following story help you write a great one in your mind.

Ken Poure was a dear friend, an ex-used-car dealer, as funny as a stand-up comedian, a satisfied husband, and a dedicated father. When his sixteen-year-old son came to him for advice one Saturday night, Ken’s fatherly response gave his son wisdom that has lasted him throughout his dating and married life. The conversation went something like this:

“Uh, Dad, about this date I’m going on tonight . . . I’m a little nervous and need some advice.”

“Yeah, sure, buddy. What’s bugging you?”

“Well, uh, what do I do —I mean, how do I treat her?”

“Well, Son, let me ask you a question. Do you plan to marry her tonight?”

“No. Hardly. This is just a date.”

“Do you think someday your date will marry someone she loves?”

“Sure, I suppose so.”

“Son, let me ask you another question. Do you plan to marry a real special girl someday?”

“You bet. Someday I’d love to do that.” The boy became more thoughtful.

“Do you suppose the girl you plan to marry is out there somewhere tonight on a date with another guy?” The dad had landed his punch.

“Hmm,” the boy responded carefully. “Yeah, maybe so. Maybe my future wife is on a date with someone else tonight.”

“Well, Son, how do you want that boy to treat her tonight?”

“If he lays a hand on her, I’ll kill him!”

“Okay, Son, if you’ll just treat your date the same way you want your future wife to be treated, you’ll always know exactly how to treat her.”

In 1 Corinthians 6:19 and 7:3-4, God lovingly says that your body belongs to God first (who created it and bought it with His Son’s own blood) and to your husband or wife second.

Why would you ever want to give the two most important people you’ll ever know less than the best? What thinking, caring person would want to tarnish someone else’s greatest gift to his or her future husband or wife?

God’s purposes for sex are to produce babies, to express love such as no one but happily married people will ever know, and to bring pleasure to one’s mate. Plain and simple, God put the fun in sex —no fear, no guilt, no remorse, no condoms to diminish the natural intimacy. No regrets, just freedom.

The writer of Hebrews pleads with us all, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled” —that means “perfectly pure” (Hebrews 13:4).

Why do people get tired of each other? Why do they divorce? Why do so many married people continue to practice the promiscuity they indulged in before marriage and cheat on their spouses? Why, at age twenty-five, thirty, or forty, do so many adults continue to look for more satisfaction? I’ve read surveys through the years that suggest that as many as 60 percent of married couples cheat on each other.

It’s so sad, but it’s true. They missed it when they were teens, and they continue to miss God’s plan.

Sexual oneness is about 10 percent physical. “What?” you say.

Yes, sex is only about 10 percent physical. The remaining 90 percent of sexual meaning, satisfaction, bonding, and pleasure is spiritual, emotional, and mental.

That’s why I can’t describe to you how loving Debbie-Jo is more wonderful every day and every year. I can’t imagine going somewhere else for love. It’s all so complete with her. I’m head-over-heels, out-of-my-mind in love with that girl!

Yes, lust has been a struggle for me, too, since puberty, and I’ve made mistakes I’m too embarrassed to put on paper. But Debbie-Jo and I made a commitment when we started dating. First, we would serve each other and put the other’s needs first. Second, we would forgive each other when we made each other mad. And third, we would save sexual intimacy for our honeymoon.

Was it difficult to wait? Yes. Was she attractive to me? Beyond description. Did we struggle with lust? Yes.

But in waiting, we built trust. In waiting, we built respect. In waiting, we avoided guilt. In waiting for the honeymoon, we let each other know there would never be anyone else as long as we lived. Guys and girls, that’s called freedom. Freedom in the mind, emotions, and spirit is what makes the marriage bed all it’s supposed to be.

What about the failures you and I have had? Read on with great anticipation.

Discussion Questions

1. What does it mean to you that Jesus is the same today as He was the day He met the woman caught in adultery?
2. This coming Saturday night, how do you want the person who’s dating your future spouse to treat him or her? Why? How will this thought affect your own dating life?
3. Are you willing to make the commitment that —no matter what you’ve done in the past —you will remain sexually pure from now on? Why or why not?