8: HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?

MICHELLE WAS SWEET SIXTEEN and never been kissed, although her attractive features left the boys who wanted to change that standing in a long line. She came to me one day quite bewildered because, she said, she had no hormones, could never like a boy, would never want to kiss anyone, and sex would never be an issue with her. I assured her that she was perfectly normal in every way, but that someday, the right boy would come along, and she would have a passion only God could control.

Within a matter of months, along came the school heartthrob named Nick, who not only gave her her first kiss but also wanted more —much more. Michelle discovered her affection for boys on that date, but because of her abiding faith in God and her desire for purity on her wedding night, she let Nick know in no uncertain terms that occasional kissing was her limit. Nick moved on to easier territory.

My wife, Debbie-Jo, once remodeled our kitchen, complete with a propane-gas-powered fireplace at one end. After my great personal doubt in the planning stage, I must admit that the gas fireplace looks almost as authentic as the real thing. It’s ignited by the simple flip of a switch, which sends propane gas across a pilot light that burns twenty-four hours a day.

With few exceptions, all of us have a “pilot light” too —a constant, small flame of passion for the opposite sex. When one burner is lit by a kiss, it’s usually not long before the other burners are lit in rapid succession. Every honest person, aged sixteen or sixty, who has engaged in heavy kissing or making out will tell you that one burner lights the next; that heavy kissing automatically leads to desires for more intimate touching; and that if left unchecked, those desires soon become reality.

It’s good to know that God’s purpose for intimate touching is to lead a married couple into a natural, loving, gentle encounter that takes about seventy-five years to get over. God made intimate touching for sex, sex for marriage, and marriage for life. The liberal philosophy of our day is, “If it feels good, do it.” The problem is, breaking up doesn’t feel good when making out has been a part of the program. Unwanted pregnancy doesn’t feel good. Bad memories don’t feel good. Guilt doesn’t feel good. When a man who has had sex with numerous girls gets married and he loses his attraction for his wife (it happens every day), it doesn’t feel good.

Without a doubt, a great kiss with someone you’re crazy about feels good. It’s supposed to! Making out feels good. But feelings don’t make something right! God made feelings. He knows your feelings last forever in your memory, and He wants your emotions and your passion for sex to feel good for life, not to be ruined at a high-school prom.

Next time you go for a drive (if your car doesn’t have manual shift), notice how the automatic transmission shifts from one gear to the next. Step on the gas and it sails smoothly from low gear to second, from second to drive, and from drive to overdrive in a matter of seconds. That’s what making out does with sex. It’s an automatic transmission to intercourse. In a picture, it looks a lot like this thermometer.

The moment lustful desires hit and you want to go further, it becomes sin. Love waits. Lust wants. Love can’t wait to give what is true and honorable. Lust can’t wait to take. Love mends. Lust hurts. Love is secure. Lust is selfish. Lust ends. Love lasts.

These teenagers who have gotten in touch with me have learned the lesson the hard way:

PAUL

I went a little too far with one of my girlfriends, and we ended up in bed. We really destroyed our relationship. We both regret what we did that one night. It has ruined both of our purity, and I’m sure we’ll both regret it for many years to come.

BARBARA

I have not gone all the way, but pretty far! This past year, I’ve had a serious boyfriend. We kissed for about one month, then started getting more serious. We had done other stuff, kissing and touching, but never really made out. But then we did! I still don’t know what love means. We broke up about a month ago.

And when I think about what we did, it makes me sad.

I can’t imagine how many fewer tear-stained pillows and shattered hearts there would be if every couple at a fraternity party, high-school prom, and “first date to the movies” knew that lust was a chain reaction. If the reaction is not Christ-controlled, it begins in the mind and rushes through each stage of kissing and touching until intercourse results or the process is abruptly stopped by a slap in the face or a courageous “No!” in a steamy car on a lonely road. The result is always two frustrated people driving away, usually in search of a different date the next time around.

Making out leads to intercourse, plain and simple. When you’re married, over the years of discovery together, you’ll learn the process and become an expert with the one you’ll love for a lifetime. But until your hearts are bonded and the ring is securely placed on your left hand, don’t play with fire or the forest will soon be ablaze, and your own home will be caught in the flames.

Don’t you think this is what God’s Word, spoken through the apostle Paul, means when it says, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (1 Corinthians 7:1)? In Scripture, God applauds a man who touches the right woman in the right way at the right time, but He severely warns the man who touches the wrong woman in the wrong way at the wrong time.

A sincere Texas teenager sought advice from me one November evening as she worried her way through her first physical relationship. She had determined that “making love” (an oxymoron in itself) was too far, but she was trying to determine just how much touching was appropriate to spice up this relationship and please her boyfriend enough to keep him around. I realize that advice is about as cheap as the price you pay for it and is usually remembered about as long as it takes to give it, so I just asked her a question (and I ask the same question to you).

“Janice,” I said, “tell me, how fantastic do you want your honeymoon to be?”

She quickly replied, “Nothing but the best.”

I followed with the obvious question, “How much of yourself do you want to present to your bridegroom as a wedding gift that night?”

Again her reply was certain. “All of me. I want the gift to be perfect.”

“Well,” I concluded, “how much of your husband’s wedding gift are you going to give away to the guy you’re dating now?”

She quickly made up her mind that for her, the answer was “Zero.”

Wedding gifts are wrapped in innocence and white lace. For guys, the gift is wrapped in a tuxedo of trust, a pure, clear mind, and patience that will wait a lifetime.

Please understand that as you decide how far is too far for you, the stakes are high —very high. And God’s Word is clear —very clear.

There are those (I know them well) who are still on their honeymoon even though they’ve been married for ten, twenty, or thirty years and more. Almost every night that they engage in sexual oneness, they experience a new discovery sweeter than the time before. But many, many are the couples (please hear me, I know them well too) who, after only a few months or years of marriage, are frustrated, confused, no longer attracted to each other, separated, or even divorced.

Each year you wait and each phase of intimacy that you save for your spouse is a bank account of pleasure that will pay dividends “till death do you part.”

Discussion Questions

1. In your own words, explain the chain reaction of sexual desire and action that begins with passionate kissing.
2. What do the teen letters in this chapter tell you about the lasting consequences of seeking illicit sexual pleasure in the moment?
3. What is your personal standard of how far is too far before marriage? Why?