‘YOU’RE a huge baby,’ says Matt, insulted. ‘Oh wait, you’re talking about the ACTUAL huge baby.’

‘Where did it come from?’ I say, flabbergasted.

‘Well, Rich, when a mummy giant and a daddy giant love each other very much . . .’

Luckily the rest of Matt’s sentence is drowned out by deafening baby sounds.

‘Aww, she’s cute,’ says Matt.

‘Are you kidding? She’s big enough to trash the whole town. She’s like a baby Godzilla!’

‘I’m gonna call her Baby Zilla,’ says Matt.

It’s actually a pretty good name.

‘She’s adorable,’ says Matt, waving. ‘Hi, Baby Zilla.’

The giant baby takes her finger out of her nose and points at Matt.

And just as I am about to agree that she is kind of charming, Baby Zilla lets out a tremendous sneeze.

A van load of warm, wet snot splashes all over me.

It runs down my face.

It runs down my arms.

It runs down my legs.

It runs down my socks.

It fills up my socks . . .

‘GROOOOOOOSSSS SLASH COOOOOL!’ yells Matt, laughing. ‘Do you need this?’ he asks, producing a roll of toilet paper from nowhere.

‘Yes, please.’

But before I can take it, he starts another one of his ribbon dances.

Even though I’m covered in snot, I have to admit, he really is very good.