In 1995, Daniel Goleman published his book titled Emotional Intelligence, in which he defined five skills that represented the concept of emotional intelligence, or what we refer to as EQ: (1) self-awareness, (2) self-regulation, (3) motivation, (4) empathy, and (5) social skills. Although he included romantic relationships and family relationships in his book, his ideas quickly captured the business world.
Over the years since, researchers have found that EQ was the single most important quality that defines someone as a truly effective leader. It is more important than cognitive intelligence, leadership skills, or even experience. They found that 90 percent of high performers in business understood and practiced EQ. The link between emotional intelligence and what a person earns is so direct that with every point increase on a person’s EQ score, their annual salary increased by $1,300.
Eventually the five skills of EQ were reduced to four. The skills are now called competencies, and they are (1) self-awareness, (2) self-management, (3) social awareness, and (4) relationship management. They form the foundation of what we call SMART Love as we relate the principles primarily to marriage. There is no connection between IQ and EQ. A person may have an IQ of 140 but be totally ineffective when it comes to EQ because they have never developed the necessary skills to navigate the world of emotions.
As of this writing, over half a million people have been tested for EQ, and researchers have found that only 36 percent of the people tested were able to identify their emotions as they happened,1 which is the foundational skill of both EQ and SMART Love. Without the skills of SMART Love, a person not only will be less effective in business but will have a hard time effectively relating to the primary people in their personal life.
The more we have studied EQ and how powerful it is in the business world, the more we see the connection it has to all of our relationships. It affects our parenting, our friendships, and especially our marriages. It gives us insight into how important understanding emotion is and how learning to manage our emotions can make every relationship stronger. That’s why we call it SMART Love.
Note: When we use “I” in the book, it refers to Dave, as he is the one in clinical practice.