As we become more aware of our emotions, we will find that we need to increasingly learn how to manage them. We no longer can allow our emotions to manage us. Awareness comes first, for we cannot effectively manage what we are not aware of.
You will soon recognize that becoming more aware of your emotions is not an easy task. And you will quickly find out the more emotions you are aware of, the more you need added skills in order to manage them.
The Failure of Our Coping Strategies
It’s tempting to think that developing some coping strategies seems like an easier path. Coping doesn’t require as much self-awareness or self-discipline as managing our emotions. It bypasses the necessity to manage what we do allow ourselves to feel.
Our coping strategies may include things like counting to ten when angry. But often by the time we get to two or three, we’ve already lost it. Or we try walking away and disengaging, which doesn’t have a very satisfying ending. It only leads to more disconnection in our marriage relationship. And how many times have we vowed to ourselves that “next time it will be different,” only to repeat the frustrating and hurtful behaviors again and again? We may try to use positive affirmations, or simply give up and walk on eggshells to avoid certain subjects.
Although it is seldom done purposely, eventually most couples will fall into the trap of either one or both spouses needing to be right. That behavior never works. Even when one spouse “wins” the argument and is proven to be right, they never really win, for the loser will, consciously or unconsciously, get even at some point. It’s hard to accept that the objective reality of who’s right and who’s wrong is not that important in a marriage relationship.
Another failing tactic we attempt is to become more controlling. Some may even think that control is a basic emotional posture, but control is not an emotion. Although it is motivated by either fear or anger, trying to control the spouse isn’t considered an emotional posture but rather is an intensification of it.
We may try hard to be more in control of ourselves simply to find that, at best, doing so only works occasionally or to a certain point. More often, our efforts at control take the form of more and more subtle attempts to control our spouse. We may try to gain more control by accusing our spouse of being controlling. But attempts at control, whether of ourselves or our spouse, always meet with resistance. That’s part of human nature. Even when we are trying to stay in control of our own behavior, at some level we will fight our own efforts. And when we try to control our spouse, it’s guaranteed they will find some way to resist.
There was a time when the accepted strategy to use with issues of anger was to “let it all out,” or what is commonly called “venting.” Some years ago, this was the rage among many management groups. Studies done years later clearly made the point that rather than decreasing a person’s anger, venting actually increased it. Venting was Don’s, Pat’s, and Kimberly’s method of choice when they experienced anger. They were experienced venters. Unfortunately, unless we learn to manage our anger, we all become venters. It’s part of human nature to do more of the same thing to try to fix something, even though nothing ever changes.
One particularly destructive tactic is for one or both spouses to withdraw from the battle. Why is it so destructive? Because we get married hoping to build a meaningful and satisfying connected relationship. Withdrawal is movement in the opposite direction—away from connection and relationship. Whatever connection was there before is weakened by withdrawal. Eventually it feels like the connection is held together with only a thin thread. And that’s probably why so many marriages end up with spouses feeling as if they have a sort of brother-sister relationship, or they simply head in the direction of divorce. These couples have over time grown apart to the point that they are almost strangers to each other.
These failing strategies are often developed as a way to block our destructive behavioral tendencies and impulsiveness, especially when it comes to the expression of anger and fear. Many of the negative things we experience in our marriage are due to one or both of us acting impulsively in anger or in fear. The healthier choice is to learn how to manage the expression of our negative emotions, especially anger and fear. The emotions of sadness and shame also need to be managed, as they can affect our marriage relationship in negative ways as well.
It All Starts with the Amygdala
Managing our emotions is a matter of resolving the battle between our emotional brain and our reasoning brain and somehow calling a truce—or better yet, finding balance. Balance will only occur if we engage both parts of the brain, and to do that, we need to understand why there is a battle.
The problem begins because our emotional brain is always activated before the reasoning brain is brought into the picture. That’s why without an awareness of what we are experiencing emotionally, our reasoning brain doesn’t stand a chance to have any influence until sometime after the fact, maybe even long after the fact.
When we are overwhelmed with an emotion, our amygdala is in control. The amygdala is small, about the size of an almond. But it is a powerful part of our limbic system, which is the seat of our emotions and is located in the middle part of the brain. The limbic system also operates outside of our conscious control.
The amygdala is our warning system. It’s watching as our spouse quickly loses emotional control, and it communicates to the thalamus, another part of the limbic system, that our spouse is becoming overwhelmed by their anger. It’s like that robot in Lost in Space that flaps its arms and says, “Danger! Danger! Danger!” The amygdala is the source of our fight, flight, or freeze reaction to what is being perceived as a threat to our safety.
The thalamus relays the message to, among other parts of the brain, the basal ganglia, which directs our body movements. And it tells us to watch out and move away or press forward and make a point. Other parts of the limbic system quickly rank the importance of what is going on, giving permission to the pituitary gland to release the needed chemicals into our system. The pituitary may release calming chemicals like endorphins or oxytocin. More likely, it will release stress hormones such as histamines, adrenaline, and cortisol, which prepare us to run, fight, or freeze.
Whenever a couple gets into an argument, they are beginning a dance with their individual amygdalae. This dance creates cycles of behaviors. For Don and Pat, Pat is on a fear alert when she hears Don come home. Her amygdala is preparing her for whatever might come next.
Sure enough, when Don sees what Pat is doing, his amygdala tells him there is financial danger, as well as a sense of a loss of control of the situation. He experiences unfairness danger, loss-of-control danger, and other potential dangers. His basic emotional posture is anger, so as he listens to Pat, his brain is pouring the stress hormones into his system. He is instantly ready to amp up the conversation for a fight.
Pat’s fear has also released stress hormones into her system, but she can’t run away. So her fear instantly turns into anger, and as Don amps up his anger, she’s now right there along with him. They go at it with each other until Don withdraws from the conversation as Pat throws her final angry volley at him. Neither one of them is able to access their reasoning brain until later, after they brood over what happened. Then maybe one of them will bring reason into the process. But by that time, the hurts have already been firmly planted in each of them.
All the interactions within our brains take place in microseconds. As a result, because Don and Pat have yet to develop the ability to manage their emotional brain, they are out of control and their actions are based on history—previous arguments and impulse. To begin to change, at least one of the spouses needs to break the cycle. To do this, they not only need for their interaction to slow down; they need to develop the skills of this second competency of SMART Love—the ability to manage their emotions. When we begin to manage what we experience emotionally, it gives the reasoning brain a chance to provide a balance to the emotional brain.
When the skills of managing the emotional brain are developed, in a microsecond, information is transferred to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This is part of the gray matter that covers the brain, and the whole gray part is called the neocortex. The part of the neocortex that is behind the forehead and just above the eyes is called the prefrontal cortex. This makes us aware of who we are, makes executive-type decisions for our lives, and relates to motivation and finding meaning in life. It is also part of our conscious brain, so that when information is sent to the prefrontal cortex, we are aware of it and have choices to make. Basically, we have opportunities for emotional management by allowing the reasoning brain to be involved.
When there is time for the information to be sent to the prefrontal cortex, it allows us to experience mental clarity and gives us the opportunity to access the energy that will keep us on a healthier track. That doesn’t mean we won’t still blow it emotionally at times, but slowing down does allow us to consciously act on the basis of our previously shared values. This positive outcome is what SMART Love is all about—it is based on our growing ability to manage our emotions.
Emotions in the Bible
The God of the Bible is an emotional God, and since he created us as emotional beings, he models for us how to manage emotions. In the Old Testament, we see him experience anger at Israel for worshiping other gods, but he is also long-suffering based on the fact that he can manage that emotion perfectly. He was justifiably angry because humankind, his special part of creation, continually sinned. And he was angry with the people of Israel, who rejected him as well as his love for them.
There are also examples of God experiencing sadness. He says in Hosea 11:8, “Oh, how can I give you up, Israel? How can I let you go? . . . My heart is torn within me, and my compassion overflows.” He grieves over the loss of his relationship with his people. He doesn’t experience surprise, for he is omniscient, nor does he experience shame or fear, for he is omnipotent and only acts in justice and mercy. His joy can be seen in his response to creation, when he said it was all “very good.”
The Bible is full of admonitions regarding managing our emotions. Take anger, for instance. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:26–27, “‘Don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” He adds in Romans 12:19, “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God.” And in Colossians 3:8, he says it is “time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior.” James adds his advice in James 1:19: “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” In other words, manage your anger.
The Bible is just as clear when it comes to fear. Hebrews 13:6 tells us, “We can say with confidence, ‘The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?’” In Luke 12:4, Jesus tells the crowd of people following him, “Dear friends, don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot do any more to you after that.” The apostle Paul affirms that he is “convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow” (Rom. 8:38). And he reminds his student Timothy that “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Tim. 1:7).
What about shame and guilt? King David said, “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone” (Ps. 32:5). Of course, he was talking about genuine guilt and shame, not the toxic form of shame. Paul adds, “You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right” (Rom. 14:22).
When it comes to either toxic shame or genuine shame, the writer to the Hebrews reminds us, “Since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean” (Heb. 10:21–22). And the apostle John makes it very clear that “even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:20), which implies he really knows when we only “feel guilty” and are not really guilty of doing something wrong.
And then there’s sadness. King David writes, “I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness” (Ps. 31:10). What he says is true, for unfinished grieving and sadness do shorten our lives. But sadness in grief is essential, for Solomon says, “Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us” (Eccles. 7:3). There is a place for sadness in grieving, but it is not meant to be our basic emotional posture. If it is, then we must get to the roots of the unfinished grieving and get released from being stuck in sadness. Sometimes it takes a Christian counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend to guide those stuck in their sadness, for eventually sadness becomes depression.
Just a quick note on joy as a core emotion. Paul instructs us to “always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4). And Peter tells us to “be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while” (1 Pet. 1:6).
The Bible’s approach to each of these emotions, with the exception of joy, is that they are to be managed. We are not to let them control us. So as we move on to lay out a plan of action, think first about which of the four negative emotions is easiest for you to manage, and which is the most difficult. The latter is probably your basic emotional posture. Keep that in mind as we look at what we can do to develop the ability to manage all four emotions.
The Goal in Managing Your Emotions
Obviously, our goal is not to suppress our emotions but to manage them in such a way as to create a balance between our two brains. When you actively choose how you are going to act when you feel a certain emotion, you create a growing sense of integrity, comfort, and fairness in your marriage. You will also experience a greater degree of mutual respect.
So how do you get started? If you have worked through the first competency of SMART Love, which is being aware of your emotions, you’ve already laid the groundwork for developing this competency.
As we continue to do the awareness Action Plans, we are becoming more attentive to the fact that our thought patterns are just that—they are thoughts about reality but do not accurately describe reality. Your spouse is not creating the emotions you are feeling; your emotions come from what you are telling yourself about what your spouse is saying or doing. It’s easy to forget that your thoughts create and stir up your emotions.1 Remind yourself, “I am having these thoughts, and they are at the root of what I’m feeling. My spouse is not making me feel this way.”
Jerry, the husband of the explosive Kimberly, had as his BEP the emotion of fear. Gradually he worked on identifying the thoughts that led him into this posture. For example, when Kimberly would begin to amp up her anger, Jerry would suddenly feel like he was paralyzed. Later, he could recall some of his thoughts: What if I say something I can’t back up? What if I make it worse? I’m better off just keeping my mouth shut—at least I don’t make it worse. Why can’t she calm down? My heart is racing. I don’t agree, but I’ll keep my mouth shut and just get out of here.
As we talked together, he saw the fear in his “what-ifs” and that his silence only made things worse. So he made a commitment to Kimberly and me that the next time they had an argument, he would say what he wanted but had always been afraid to say. Later they described what happened. As Kimberly was getting more agitated, he suddenly blurted out, “I don’t agree!” Both of them were so surprised that there was a long moment of silence, and then they started to laugh. When they stopped laughing, they started talking. It was almost as if Jerry had broken free, for he was able to talk with Kimberly about the subject, and she didn’t get upset. In fact, she was so pleased that he had finally said something, they talked for almost an hour as they resolved that issue and several others.
As Jerry identified how his internal commentary on what Kimberly was saying and doing was at the root of his fears, he was able to face them. As he did, his fears grew smaller and more manageable. More and more he was able to accept his inner dialogue as just that—thoughts about reality. He found he had more choices in how to respond to Kimberly, and she in turn was beginning to manage her anger more effectively.
Jerry and Kimberly also found that as they grew in their ability to manage their emotions, there was a greater openness in their relationship regarding what they were thinking and experiencing together. They experienced a genuine openness based on a mutual sense of being responsible to each other. And surprisingly to each of them, they were becoming more optimistic about their future together.
As they were better able to manage their emotions, they found that they wanted to spend more time together. Since Jerry’s fear was more under control, he could be more affectionate with Kimberly. And for the first time, he was beginning to be more engaged with Kimberly’s other emotional responses to him.
Now, let’s build on your previous Action Plans. In the next chapter you’ll find ten more Action Plans designed to help you build your skills and become more comfortable in managing your emotions.