Inez keeps watch when I stop at Darleny’s locker and turn the combination lock. Jas would prank Darleny sometimes: leave fake spiders and draw on Darleny’s notebooks and steal her gym sneakers. I’d stand there laughing and watching and learning the combination. Never knowing I’d need it for anything. I don’t have to lie much to Inez. I tell her it’ll be useful if I have something of Darleny’s—a living blood connection—in order to anchor Jasmine during the spell. When the lock falls open, I dig through Darleny’s gym bag, take out a used tank top that’s still damp with sweat, and her water bottle. Put both in my backpack.
“Hurry,” Inez whispers, but I spot Darleny’s brown journal on the locker shelf and something in me screams to reach for it. I flip it open, and Inez hisses. “What are you doing?”
A lot of pages are blank, but some have scattered thoughts, soccer plays, bits and pieces of started poems, and there are a few pages addressed to Jasmine. I start with the last one.
Jasmine,
I’m sorry I wasn’t a better sister to you when you were here. I’m sorry for the things I said. I understand why you were looking for Miliani, but I was jealous. You were my only friend, but with her around it felt like I’d always come second. That’s dramatic, right? I knew if I told you, you’d say something to me like we met before meeting Mili, we come first forever. But you changed when you started messing with Miliani, and I was scared you and I were growing too different. Tell me how to fix us. How do I fix us now? Jas, all that corny stuff they say about twins is true. I can hardly make it through fifth period without thinking of you. It’s so hard to not see you there, sitting in the next row, writing those stupid spells in your notebook instead of paying attention. I’ve been sneaking out, sitting on the bench under the tree in the schoolyard. You remember how we used to sit there during lunch freshman year? Gossiping and joking and trading food. I don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of my life without you. Jasmine, you never taught me how to live …
I can keep reading, but this invasion of privacy is beginning to feel like too much to bear. I contain my tears, lock them inside, while I slide her journal back in its place, locking her feelings away too. I can’t have a heavy heart when it’s time to bring Jasmine back. Can’t ever be sorry when doing a spell. And Darleny said it herself: She doesn’t know how she’ll get through her life without Jasmine. She’ll forgive me when she realizes she doesn’t have to learn to live without her sister.
“Why were you snooping through her journal?” Inez asks as we walk down the hall.
I shrug. “I couldn’t help it.”
Inez snorts. “You wanted to see if she’s sorry for telling Jayson, huh?”
I laugh nervously. “She’s not.”
“You’re wrong for invading her privacy,” Inez says. “That’s crossing the line.”
“I’m wrong for a lot of things,” I say.
But after school, I catch up to Jayson. He pops off one of his headphones to tell me to go away. I tell him we should talk about it, and he says we shouldn’t talk about anything ever again before he gets in his car and drives away. I want to fix things with him, but there’s no time. I have to let him go like I let Isobel go.