Mom is sitting at the kitchen table when I come downstairs the next evening, crutch leaning on the wall beside her. The sun streaks through the back door, but she hasn’t turned on a light, so it’s dim in the kitchen, her phone screen the only bright spot. Her gaze is downcast, and Ben’s voice plays softly from her phone.
She looks up at me and quickly pauses the podcast. I pick up my purse from the hook on the door.
“Where do you go every night?” she asks.
“You don’t want to know.”
She presses her lips together and considers that for a moment. She nods.
“You really published three books without telling me?” she asks.
“You’ve never been good at keeping secrets.”
She lets out a loud, short laugh. I guess that means she disagrees.
“You wouldn’t like them anyway,” I say.
“Why not?”
“You’re a literary snob. They’re not literary.”
She sniffs. “Well, I barely read at all anymore, but I do prefer good literature when I make the time. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I didn’t say there was.” I wanted to say it, though. She squints at me like she knows that.
“You’ve listened to the episode about Nina?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“You can’t do this to that poor woman.” Her voice cracks a little.
“I’m not doing anything to her. Ben doesn’t consult me about what to put in the podcast.” A lie, but it’s true that he’s not consulting me about Nina.
“He’s implying she did it.”
“He’s implied that a lot of people did it. It’s irresponsible all around. Nina isn’t special.”
“Matt deserved it.” Her tone is harsh, and I’m actually a little touched. I didn’t realize she gave a shit. “Your father and I … maybe we deserved it too. And Colin’s too dumb to care.”
“Agreed.”
“But Nina doesn’t deserve to have her whole life put on display. So what if she didn’t like Savvy? The girl they’re talking about on that podcast bears little resemblance to the actual woman. She wasn’t actually very nice.”
I say nothing to that, because it’s true. Savvy was often kind, but she often wasn’t. Certainly not in high school.
“Nina’s got two kids. A boyfriend, who is a significant upgrade from her ex-husband, who seemed like a real asshole to me. She doesn’t deserve this.”
“And I do?”
Her gaze shifts to mine. She doesn’t need to answer that.
“I can’t stop Ben from saying stupid shit on his podcast,” I say. “But just wait an episode or two. He’s probably going to end the whole thing by saying he thinks I did it.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “What?”
“He’s got a whole ending written out summarizing his theory about how I killed her. This is just some … I don’t know. He’s exploring every angle. Or just trying to get every dime of advertiser money that he can.”
“But he’s pointing the finger at Nina anyway?” She looks outraged.
“I like how that’s the part that upsets you,” I say dryly.
“Oh Lucy, give me a break,” she snaps. I blink. “Does he have any hard evidence?”
My chest seizes as I consider the possibility. Would he have told me if he did? I doubt it. “I don’t … I have no idea. I don’t see how he could.”
She blows out a breath. “Okay. Good. That’s all that matters. They can’t charge you unless he uncovers something new.”
I open my mouth to ask her why she’s always been so convinced I did it. I haven’t asked in years, and when I did, I bitterly screamed it, so maybe it doesn’t count. I didn’t actually expect an answer then.
I close my mouth. I don’t want one now either. I don’t want to know whether she just has a low opinion of me or she actually knows something. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.
I turn and walk quickly out of the house.