CHAPTER SEVEN
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       Distracted By Problems

“Family drama related to divorced parents is in no way helpful to girls. Parents should keep it away from the children or make it better.” —Chelsea

“I stress over my family. My dad has been struggling with finding a job, and my mom is an alcoholic/addict. I feel like I have to be successful to make up for the faults in my family. It’s hard to enjoy my senior year.” —Taylor

“I read every page five times and don’t understand. It’s like, ‘What did I just read?’” —Anna

How well you can focus on school and extracurricular activities changes all the time. Sometimes you can give 100%, but at other times you’re distracted. Not just for a moment, like when your crush walks by your classroom or you realize you forgot something important at home, but maybe for a day or a week or even a month. That’s because you’re preoccupied with problems. Your mind is elsewhere, making it hard to fully pay attention to what you’re learning in class or supposed to be doing on your homework. When parents and teachers say to, “Just try your best!” they probably don’t realize your “best” varies, depending on what else is going on in your life at the time.

Problems Big and Small

You could be dealing with—and dwelling on—an endless list of problems. Like Taylor and Chelsea, you may have pretty huge, stressful, and scary things going on in your family, like parents separating, divorcing, or going through hard times with their jobs, health, substances, or finances. Emma’s mother drank too much after their father left. In class, she couldn’t concentrate because she worried that her mother would crash the car while driving her younger sister to activities. Because of your family situation, your parents may not be around as much or be able to give as much attention and financial or emotional support as you’d like.

Maybe you’re going through tough times personally. When Jocelyn became sick with Crohn’s Disease, she felt nobody could possibly understand how her illness took over her life. You could be dealing with a traumatic experience like Nikki, who was sexually assaulted at a coed sleepover, or Elizabeth, who was abused for years by her uncle. Problems that are hard to talk about can be especially preoccupying and draining. Like Jess, whose father spent time in jail, and Emma, who wanted to keep her mother’s alcoholism a secret, problems you’re reluctant to share with your closest friends can weigh on you 24/7.

Hearing of upcoming changes in your family can also be hugely distracting. Maybe one or both of your parents are dating new people or announce they’re getting remarried. You could be getting a new sibling, half-sibling, or slew of step-siblings. Perhaps you’ve just learned that you’re moving. Or you’re dreading your older sibling leaving for college. This kind of news can affect you more intensely than you’d have imagined. Remember, when you’re already stressed it’s that much harder to deal with more challenges. At least at first, thinking about what these family changes might mean can drain your attention away from everything else.

If you’re thinking your problems aren’t that bad, good! But even everyday stuff can distract you, temporarily making it hard to “do your best.” Julia, for example, has been upset for days, ever since “I overheard these girls saying my outfit was terrible, so now when I walk in the hallway I try to hide behind another group.” When your best friend is acting weird, maybe you can’t stop dissecting your last conversation to figure out what could be going on. Or when the deadline to sign up for a dance nears, you obsess about who’ll ask you—and whether it’ll be in time.

Of course, it could be your BFF’s problem rather than your own that’s making you lose sleep. Deb told me, “A really good friend of mine had sex with this random guy at a party the other night, even though we all begged her not to. He told all his friends, and now everyone in our school is talking about it. She’s acting like it’s no big deal, but it is.” When girls are worrying about friends who stop eating, start cutting themselves, skip classes, or talk about wanting to die, it’s much harder to memorize vocab words or remember chemical equations.

And of course, romantic ups and downs are notoriously distracting. Breakups can be truly agonizing. Whether you’re sad, furious, or just totally confused about what went wrong, it’s still hard to focus on what your Spanish teacher is saying about past predicate tense. If your new ex happens to be in the same bio lab or lunch period as you, concentrating on anything besides where he’s sitting and what he’s doing may be next to impossible, at least for a while.

Problems Do Affect You

Many parents don’t realize that the problems you have, big and small, affect your ability to do your “best.” They may not connect family troubles with your difficulty concentrating, especially on school subjects that are mentally strenuous. Teachers also may not realize you can’t work up to your usual standards because you’re too worried about problems to think straight. They have no way of knowing your poorer test grades are due to the preoccupations that keep intruding whenever you try to study.

So what do parents and teachers usually think when they see a drop-off in grades? They assume you’ve stopped caring about your work. They may blame your friends, your boyfriend, or Facebook—even though they aren’t the real (or only) cause. When adults get angry and punish you, you could feel worse. It’s even harder to hit the books when situations seem unfair and you feel misunderstood. I often remind parents and teachers to consider other reasons for sagging grades besides lack of motivation or poor effort.

But it’s even more important for you to realize—and accept—that problems can interfere with doing as well as you’d like. You can’t do your best when your head is clouded by swirling thoughts and upsetting emotions. You can’t expect to get devastating news and then just go about your business as if nothing had happened. You’re human, not a robot.

When you can’t do your work as quickly or as well as usual, don’t get mad at yourself. That’s the last thing you need when you’re already distressed. Imagine your friend telling you that she’s been so freaked out about her father’s heart attack that she can barely think straight. Would you think she’s being a drama queen? Would you expect her to forget about her father and just buckle down and do her work? Would you yell at her? So be just as courteous and understanding to yourself.

Getting Help

Accepting that problems can be distracting is the first step. Asking for help is the second. Remember, there is no shame in needing other people to support you through hard times. That’s what relationships are all about. People who care about you will want to help you feel better. Don’t worry if you’re not comfortable telling them everything that’s going on. You can just say you’ve got a problem that’s troubling and distracting you. When you let your parents and teachers know this, it may help them to empathize with what you’re going through, rather than jumping to unhelpful conclusions.

Here are some other people you may consider trustworthy and knowledgeable enough to talk to about problems:

It’s probably hard to know in advance who will be best to talk to. If at first you don’t get the reaction or help you’re looking for, don’t give up. Keep reaching out until you find the right person.

Much as you’d like, it’s unrealistic to expect people to solve all your troubles or make them go away. But some adults, like guidance counselors and school psychologists or social workers, are specially trained to handle problems like eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and cutting among students. If you confide in them, they can take steps to start the process through which people get much-needed help. When friends are in real trouble, such as when health or safety is at stake, it’s okay to break confidences. In fact, it’s important to do that to save a life. That’s not at all the same as blabbing a secret or starting a rumor. Plus, you can’t deal with these sorts of problems on your own.

Even when people you confide in can’t solve all your problems, it will make you feel better when they:

On Your Own

Along with getting help from other people, use the stress-reducing strategies you’ve learned so far to comfort yourself. Tell yourself exactly what you would say to your most treasured friend if she were in your situation. Use words of empathy, support, and encouragement like, “You’re dealing with a lot right now,” “Anyone would be upset and distracted,” and “Give yourself a break.” Focus on the positive to stay optimistic; there’s no sense in dwelling on worst-case scenarios that may never happen.

Here are some other strategies that may reduce how much air time problems are taking up in your head:

Remember, problems are a sucky, but inevitable, part of life. They can temporarily distract you from your goals and prevent you from being your best self. You aren’t born knowing how to deal with them. It takes practice and the support of loving people to get through hard times. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and use all the stress-reducing and comforting strategies at your disposal to feel better. The good news is that most bad times do come to an end.