CHAPTER ONE
Too Much Pressure!
“I think that there is soooo much pressure for girls to be perfect. You have the media with all those super skinny girls with perfect hair and makeup and clothes, and you have those snotty girls in school that tease you if you don’t wear what they wear, and parents and teachers always nagging on us to do better in school. It’s hard to keep up with all of the pressure. I feel like there is so much expected of me with my friends, family, teachers, and coaches, it’s terrible.”—Brittany
As a teen girl, you’re part of an extraordinary group that’s slowly but surely changing the world. When Google held their first annual National Science Fair, which drew 10,000 students from 91 countries, who do you think won all of the age categories? You guessed it: girls. And when high school students recently traveled to Washington, D.C. to hand-deliver an online petition with 118,000 signatures calling for a woman to moderate the 2012 presidential debates, of course those three students were three determined girls. These days, not only are teen girls accomplishing amazing things, but you’re also pretty much leaving guys in the dust.
The facts couldn’t be clearer. From kindergarten on, girls are better students. In high school, you get better grades in every subject and have higher GPAs and class ranks than boys. You’re more likely to take AP classes and to get higher scores on standardized reading and writing tests. While boys still have the edge on math and science tests, you’re closing the gap there, too. This may be hard to believe, but more of you are even signing up for the hardest math classes! Beyond academics, girls rule in high school. You’re more likely to work on the school paper or yearbook and to hold offices in student government. Far more of you are also going on to college; in hundreds of universities, the female to male ratio is now 60-40.
“So What’s the Problem?”
This sounds awesome, right? It is awesome. But, unfortunately, there’s a downside to all this success. Along the way, girls are paying a huge price.
As a psychologist, I hear teen girls everywhere—in my office, in emails, at schools all around the US and Canada—describing unbearable pressures. Many of you want to excel not just in a few things, but in absolutely everything. You think that to be successful today you have to be extraordinary. As Christa says, “Girls always feel like we’re not good enough for society. We’re being pressured into being sporty, smart, pretty, and popular. Why can’t we just be a little good at all these things? Why do we have to be great at everything? No wonder so many teen girls have problems.”
Can you relate? Do you hope to ace your tests, star in sports, be popular, shine in your extracurricular activities, make your parents and teachers proud, and get accepted to a good college—while also looking great and staying thin? Do you sometimes worry that you’re not living up to expectations or that you’re disappointing everyone—maybe even yourself?
Like many girls I speak to, Lauren describes feeling horrendous pressure—not just once in awhile, but every day: “It seems like the homework never ends. You can never get ahead. You can only stop yourself from falling behind. All I do every weekend is sit at home in my room and do my homework. I don’t have time to go out or even relax.” With this sort of grueling schedule, girls feel as if they’re going through their lives on autopilot, barely able to keep up and not feeling good about anything they’re doing.
Here’s the problem: constant stress, hectic schedules, and mind-numbing fatigue weigh you down, making it even harder to cope. When you’re worn out by lack of sleep, seemingly unending piles of homework, drama in your social life, and demanding parents, teachers, or coaches, even a regular day can become a total nightmare. Little frustrations, annoyances, and disappointments that normally wouldn’t be a big deal somehow add up and seem completely overwhelming.
Let’s say you don’t like your grade on a Social Studies test, your phys ed teacher yells at you for being late to class (even though it wasn’t your fault!), and your BFF gives you the cold shoulder without a word of explanation. Suddenly, you feel like you’re about to burst into tears or have a complete meltdown. This is how stress gets to you. Whether it sneaks up or attacks as quickly and fiercely as a summer thunderstorm, it can make you feel utterly hopeless and helpless. Here’s how Kai expressed it in an email:
“There’s no way to explain all the stress. I’m more worried about grades every minute than learning the material. I can’t get everything done and do it right. At night, I always stay awake thinking of all I have to do. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and do it. There really aren’t enough hours in the day. The stress is like falling down a big hole.”
Just How Stressed Are You?
Like many girls, you may think, “I’m way too stressed-out,” “I’m completely exhausted” or “I’m totally overwhelmed.” Or it may be hard to recognize that some changes or problems in your life are actually signs of too much stress. Right now, take a moment to check in with yourself to find out how all the pressure is affecting you.
The “Assess Your Stress” Quiz shown below can also be accessed on my website, so you don’t have to do the math.