I hear crying. Who’s that? My eyes open and I realize I’m not in my bed. It must be Aaron. He’s on the landing looking for me. His tiny pleas echo down the stairs. Poor kid, he doesn’t know where I am. I rush to the hallway up the stairs and grab him in my arms.
‘It’s okay, baby, Mammy is here.’
Aaron is holding a scraggly teddy bear in his hand and wiping his nose on it. His dark hair is stuck to his head like he’s been rained on and his feet are bare. Lifting him in my arms I hug him gently.
‘Mammy is here, mammy is here.’
His little arm wraps around my neck as he holds me tightly. He’s different to Cian, any break in his routine sets him off. The poor child must have got the fright of his life when he came into the room and I wasn’t there. That’s Tom’s fault.
Warmed by his embrace I lift Aaron down the stairs and sit him on the duvet. His face brightens, he thinks we’re going to play, he doesn’t know his Mammy only slept for about an hour last night and it’s not even 6 a.m. yet.
‘Let’s go back to sleep, Aaron, Mammy’s tired,’ I say, pulling his cosy body close to me.
Within ten minutes I hear the soft pant of his snore and feel his breath brushing off my face. I close my eyes, hoping to get another hour or two sleep but my mind won’t let me. Today is the day. Today we tell Amber.
‘What did I do now?’ Amber is sitting at the kitchen table.
‘You’ve done nothing, Amber,’ I say. ‘Your father and I need to talk to you about something.’ Amber looks at Tom who is taking the seat beside her.
‘Dad, what’s wrong?’ She knows something is up when both of us want to talk to her together. It hasn’t happened since she ‘experimented,’ as she describes it, with the vodka last year. Tom had sat beside her on that occasion, talking to her like she was a victim. ‘Who gave it to you, princess?’ ‘Did you feel pressured into taking it?’ etc., etc. There was something about the way he said it that made me laugh out loud, so loud that both of them turned and stared at me. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. I laughed and laughed and laughed even more at their still faces, mouths open with shock. Tom asked what I was laughing at but I couldn’t stop to tell him. All I could see was sneaky little Amber, who finally admitted to me that she had robbed the vodka from the cupboard in our kitchen, hid it at the bottom of her bag, then took it to her friend’s house where she disguised it in a bottle of Coke. Then she had the audacity to drink it in front of her friend’s mother while she drove them to the venue. Poor Amber my arse. And there’s Tom talking to her like she was kidnapped and held down while someone poured vodka down her throat. I got up from the table leaving the two of them staring at me as I left the room. ‘You’re grounded for a month,’ I said, then closed the door behind me.
Before sitting down I check that Cian and Aaron are still engrossed with Peppa Pig while munching on their Rice Krispies. Leaving the door slightly ajar in case either of them calls me, I return to my seat at the table.
I don’t think Tom will be laughing this time. Looking at Amber’s pale face bracing herself for what she presumes is bad news, I want to cry. The poor kid shouldn’t have to deal with this. What’s she going to think? Amber has always looked up to Tom, respected him, trusted him. I don’t want her to think less of him, I’m doing enough of that for both of us. It could knock her self-confidence, one of Amber’s greatest assets.
Her belief in herself impresses me. I never had that kind of self-belief at her age. I could never argue a topic with someone older than me, especially not my dad. He scared me. Mom was already gone. Please God, do not let this crazy situation put a crack in Amber’s armour.
‘Hurry up, Ma, I haven’t all day,’ she says. ‘I’m supposed to be meeting Sarah at eleven.’ Her phone sits on the table in front of her, upside down of course. God forbid anyone else looked at it. Tom is rubbing his hands on his jeans, looking at me nervously as I sit opposite them.
‘So what is it?’ she says, looking at me. ‘Are you getting divorced?’
‘What? No, Amber… why would you think we were getting divorced?’ I look from her to Tom and a little part of me wonders if I’ve just been given a portal into the future.
‘What is it then?’
My hands lie intertwined on the table as if in prayer. Tom looks nervous.
‘Amber, there is something I have to tell you.’
When Amber realizes that I’m not the messenger, she shuffles in closer to the table, a serious look dropping over her face as she turns her attention to Tom.
‘Amber.’ Cough, splutter, finally eye contact. ‘A short while ago, I discovered I have a son…’ Pause… Silence… Action. ‘He’s sixteen, just a year older than you and his name is Kenny.’ Tom’s eyes are fixed on Amber’s. She swings herself around in the chair to face him. Finally, we have news big enough to hold our daughter’s complete attention.
My fingers are pressing so hard into my hands I think I’ll be bruised by the end of this. What will she do? What will she say?
‘The thing is, Amber, Kenny’s mom has died and he has no other family.’
Amber remains silent, her eyes still glued to her Daddy’s, hanging on to his every word.
‘I’m sure you have a lot of questions, pet. You will want to think about it, then ask me whatever you want. I will tell you anything you want to know.’
‘When can I meet him?’ she says forcing me to fall backwards into my chair. What are you saying, Amber? I’d better say something quick.
‘Amber, sweetie, this is all new to us, we haven’t decided what we’re going to do about it yet. We’re telling you now because we didn’t want you finding out from someone else.’
Turning around to face me she sits up straight. ‘But he’s my brother, I have to meet him.’
‘And you will, Amber, you will meet him but there’s a lot going on at the moment and we have to do what’s best for the family.’
Moving her attention back to Tom, she says, ‘Have you met him?’ Tom nods a yes. ‘What’s he like?’
‘He’s...’ I interrupt Tom, this is not going how I expected it to. Where’s your tantrum, Amber, why don’t you shout at him, ask him why he lied, was he dating me when he got the kid’s mother pregnant? No, nothing. No criticism whatsoever. I can’t believe this Amber is only interested in knowing when she can meet her half-brother.
‘Amber, that’s all we have to tell you for the moment. Go and meet Sarah now and we will have another chat later on.’
‘But…’
‘But nothing, Amber, your father and I need to talk.’
‘It will be okay, Dad,’ she says, kissing him on the cheek before leaving the table. I’m sitting here with my mouth open. A fucking kiss on the fucking cheek and all I get is a shrug of the shoulders.
Tom’s like the cat that got the milk. ‘Well, that wasn’t too bad,’ he says. ‘She seems to have taken it well.’ Standing up from the table he walks over to the fridge, opens the door and looks inside. I’m left feeling confused and slightly angry. I didn’t want Amber to be upset but I was expecting a bigger reaction from her. More shock, drama, more when, how, where. But nothing, just, when can I meet him?
‘She’s only just heard… I’m sure she’ll be back with plenty of questions, Tom.’
‘Yeah, I’d say so. Still, I’m glad she wants to meet him.’
With a heavy heart, I push open the door to where the two boys still sit tuned in to the TV. I know I shouldn’t feel hard done by. Amber’s reaction is a good thing. I don’t want her to think bad about her father because it doesn’t feel good. I know.
‘More Krispies,’ Aaron says, holding out his bowl for me to fill. Tossing his hair, I take the bowl from his tiny grip and return to the kitchen to where Tom is now filling the kettle.
‘Aaron wants more Krispies... I’m going out.’
‘I thought you’d be here today, I’ve to—’
I cut him off mid-sentence. ‘I’m going out.’
Grabbing my bag from the table, I walk to the front door. I need some time to think, time on my own. I’m sick of running and racing after everyone, being taken for granted by my own family. Let’s see how they get on fending for themselves. Doormat Sally has had enough.