No, the deadliest animal in the world was not Myrtle.
But as Mr Meek was racing towards certain doom his thoughts did flash to his daughter. In his mind’s eye, he wanted to conjure up a pretty picture of her before he died, although, however hard he tried, he just couldn’t find an image of Myrtle doing anything remotely nice. Myrtle didn’t do nice. But she was very good at “nasty”. All kinds of images flooded into Mr Meek’s mind…
Myrtle snapping the Christmas tree in half when she didn’t get enough presents.
Myrtle stamping on the Snakes and Ladders board when she was losing the game.
STOMP!
Myrtle shoving her entire birthday cake into her gob in one go so no one else could have a piece.
GURGLE!
Myrtle punching a hole through the television set when her favourite CARTOON ended.
THUMP!
Myrtle cheating on school sports day by making her mother drive her round the racetrack.
Myrtle deliberately flooding the entire house when asked to hurry up in the bath.
Myrtle eating all her mother and father’s books when they encouraged her to read one.
Myrtle holding her headmaster upside down and giving him a bogwash when she was given a detention for giving her teacher a bogwash.
FLUSH!
Myrtle setting up a stall outside the house to sell every single one of her parents’ possessions so she could buy herself a roller coaster.
Myrtle wailing so much for a Mr Whippy that the ice-cream van actually toppled over on to its side.
No. The deadliest animal in the world is not Myrtle.
It is a helephant.
This is, quite simply, a flying elephant.
How does it fly?
With its trunk, of course. I thought that would be obvious.
If you had studied THE MONSTERPEDIA, you would know.
The helephant’s trunk is unusually long. When the animal spins it round fast enough, it works exactly like a propeller.
What could be more dangerous than a flying elephant?
Nothing. If it crash-lands on you, you are jam.
On hearing Father’s shout, the helephant woke up with a “harrumph” from the riverbank where it was slumbering. Helephants always wake up with a “harrumph”, because, however much sleep they have, it is never enough.*
On being woken up, the animal wanted revenge. So, with a spin of its trunk, it took to the sky.
BUZZ!
How does a helephant steer?
With its tail, of course.
The tail works as a rudder.
Come on, this couldn’t be more straight-forward.
Mr Meek heard a loud buzzing from above. A shadow passed over him. He looked up and saw a huge, fat flying sausage soaring through the sky, blotting out the sun.
“Oh…”
But before Mr Meek could say “cripes” the helephant hooked him up by his trousers with one of its tusks, giving him a nasty wedgie.*
“SHONTISISIMO!” cried Mr Meek as he was plucked from the back of the honkopotamus and whisked up into the air.
THE MONSTERPEDIA wriggled around in the back of his trousers in an attempt to escape. Meanwhile, the FING simply bit harder on to his finger, closing its one eye in concentration.
“BOOM DITTY BOOM DITTY BOOM BOOM!”
The pain was indescribable, so I won’t even try, other than to call it indescribable.
“LET ME GO!” screamed Mr Meek to the helephant.
Then he looked below him. It was a long way down.
“ACTUALLY, KEEP HOLDING ON TO ME, PLEASE! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”