Jenna
When Felix says he’s out, I don’t know if he means he’s leaving the room, or the band, or our lives. I just know I can’t let him go. Not completely. He turns around and looks at me, with that haunted expression he’s had since I told him it was over.
I did the right thing, I’ve told myself, again and again like that might finally convince me. I did the right thing, even if Ty hates me and is heartbroken. Even if I feel like my own heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces and ground into a fine sand. Even though we got the latest drug test results back from Phil—less random this time, because I requested we all be tested—and I know Felix is still clean.
That can’t have been easy. God knows I’ve wanted to drown my sorrows in alcohol these past few days, and my past has left me with an aversion rather than an addiction.
Felix is looking at me, waiting to know what I have to say, and I realize there’s nothing I can say. I want to tell him I’m sorry, and I want him back. I want to be the good mom I failed to be when I was younger, and be sure I’m protecting my son. If I’m being honest, I also want a guarantee for myself, that if I tell him I made a mistake, he’s not going to be back on heroin in a week or a month or a year and break my heart again.
“Please stay,” I say. And, even though it’s not fair, I know what I’m really asking is for him to not give up on me while I sort this out.
“Okay,” Felix says. Roxie and Leo are still making out on the couch, and while I wish they’d chosen a better moment, I suppose that’s been coming for a long time.
“Oh my god, could you two stop it for two seconds?”
When I turn around, I expect Alec is talking to Roxie and Leo. But no, he’s staring straight at me, looking exasperated. He’s hung up the phone on Michael, Phil’s assistant, who’s bringing Alec his spare guitar, because the one he brought has a stripped tuning peg.
“What?” I ask Alec. Because for once, Felix and I aren’t doing anything that should make him angry. In fact, we’re doing exactly what he wanted in the first place—staying away from each other. Roxie and Leo are oblivious to everyone else, and are getting frighteningly close to dry humping—or maybe just straight-up humping—right there on the couch in front of us all.
“What do you mean, what?” Alec asks. “If you’re going to break up with him, fine. But both of you stop emoting at each other. We’re here to work.” He gives a disgusted glance at Roxie and Leo, but then turns his hard glare back on me.
I gape. “Now you’re mad at me for emoting?”
Alec rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean. First you’re going to live with Felix. Then you’ve broken up with him, but you want to keep him in the band. Now you two are back to making googly eyes at each other, but you’re too chicken shit to do anything about it. God, Jenna, stop jerking him around and decide what you want already.”
I flush. I didn’t go to Alec for comfort about Felix, because I knew he was too pissed about the situation to be supportive. But if he thinks for one minute he has any right to judge the decisions I’m making, to judge me for trying to do what’s best for me and for Ty—
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” I say.
Alec scoffs, and I want to grab him by the collar of his sparkly shirt and shove him against the wall. We haven’t been together in a year, but Alec has always been my friend. I’ve had it with him making things more difficult when I most need him to be a decent human being.
“Someone needs to tell you what to do,” Alec says. “Look at the decisions you make by yourself!”
I steal a look behind me at Felix. He’s still here, though he’s flattened himself against the wall, like he’s trying to stay out of this conversation. I can’t blame him. It was selfish of me to ask him to stay in the band, in my life, when probably he’d rather get away. Has he already realized I’m not worth sticking around for, that I’m too messed up, too crazy?
Felix glances at Alec, and then nods at me. There’s this confident look on his face, like he knows what I need to do, and he’s rooting for me to do it, but he isn’t going to do it for me.
Felix, whose heart I’ve broken, who made a mistake, yes, but who has done everything I asked, and been nothing but respectful since. Felix is still here for me, even after everything.
Maybe Alec is right. Maybe I’m being unfair to him.
But at this moment, it’s Alec I need to deal with.
I turn back around, fighting to keep my voice from edging up into hysterics. “I’m done, Alec. I’ll play tonight, and I’ll sing for the tour, but after that I’m out. So just get off my back before I walk out right now instead. You know damn well you can’t sing these songs by yourself.”
You’d think Roxie and Leo would take notice of this, but they’re too busy gyrating on the couch to hear. I hold my breath. This wasn’t how I envisioned breaking this news, but I’m not letting Alec stand by and tell me I’m messing everything up anymore, when the biggest mistake I’ve made was lying with him to begin with.
“Okay, look,” Alec says, his voice steady, like he’s trying to calm a wounded animal, which is condescending as hell. “I get it. I know you’re not doing four more years. But do this smart, Jenna. What the hell are you in such a hurry for?”
“Because I’m unhappy. You used to care about that, remember? We broke up because neither of us was happy, and we tried to keep the band together, because we both loved that, if not each other. But I’m still unhappy, Alec. You may be fine having one-night stands for years and years, but I’m not.”
“Please,” Alec says. “I’ve heard so many stories over the years about what’s going to make you happy. You want me, you want a career in music, you want to be able to support Ty, you want Felix, you want out. You’re never happy with any of it, Jenna, and you need to stop destroying everything in your wake.”
An icy wave washes over me. Alec knows about my past, and how hard I’ve worked to become someone who can take care of Ty, who doesn’t just lash out and hurt everyone around her. Is that what I’m doing now? It doesn’t feel like it, but I can’t be sure.
Either way, it’s no longer Alec’s business.
I lower my voice. “I’m only staying because I made a commitment, but when the tour is done, it’s over. I’m sorry, Alec, but you’re not going to change my mind.”
Alec throws his hands in the air. “What the hell, Jenna? You’re in love with Felix, but that’s over, even though he didn’t do a single thing wrong. You know perfectly well he’s not on drugs. We’ve got the test results. But one little thing goes wrong, and you’re out.”
“How many times do I have to tell you? That’s none. Of. Your. Business.”
“Like hell,” Alec says. “Now you’ve decided the band doesn’t make you happy either, so you’re out, just like you were when we were having problems. The problem isn’t me or the band or Felix. The problem is you. You’re messed up and you need help, but you keep running away instead of just goddamned dealing with it.”
My eyes are burning, but I’m not going to break down and cry in front of Alec. He’s lost all right to know what’s really going on in my head, not in the least because he’s apparently lost all interest in that a long time ago. God, I thought we were still friends. I thought he still cared about me. And maybe he does, but only as a lost child he’s trying to save. Only as this rogue element he’s trying to control.
“Maybe you’re right,” I tell him. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
Alec glares at me. “I care about you too much to let you ruin your life.”
I grit my teeth. “If you want to help, stop helping.”
Alec shakes his head, undeterred. “I’m not going to let you push me away like everyone else.”
“And I’m not giving you a choice.” I spin around and fling open the door to march out of the room, not sure at all where I’m going. We’ve been designated this space by the stage crew, and anywhere else I go I’ll just be in the way.
But I’m done dealing with the shit Alec’s been giving me. I should have told him off a long time ago.
Before I leave, though, I turn to look at Felix. Alec has stepped into the corner and leans there with one hand on each wall. I meet Felix’s eyes.
And as if he was waiting for me to give him permission, he follows me out.