Tom Stoppard: Plays One-Dogg’s Hamlet

Dogg’s Hamlet

Translation from ‘Dogg’ language into English is given in square brackets where this seems necessary.

Empty stage.

BAKER: (Off-stage) Brick! [*Here!]

(A football is thrown from off-stage left to off-stage right. BAKER receiving ball) Cube. [*Thanks]

(ABEL, off-stage, throws satchel to stage left. ABEL enters. He is a schoolboy wearing grey flannel shorts, blazer, school cap, etc., and carrying a satchel. He drops satchel centre stage and collects the other which he places with his own. ABEL exits stage right and returns with microphone and stand which he places down stage. The microphone has a switch.)

ABEL: (Into the microphone) Breakfast, breakfast … sun—dock—trog … [*Testing, testing … one—two—three …] (He realizes the microphone is dead. He tries the switch a couple of times and then speaks again into the microphone.) Sun—dock—trog—pan—slack … [*One—two—three—four—five …]

(The microphone is still dead. ABEL calls to someone off-stage.) Haddock priest! [*The mike is dead!]

(Pause, BAKER enters from the same direction. He is also a schoolboy similarly dressed.)

BAKER: Eh? [*Eh?]

ABEL: Haddock priest.

BAKER: Haddock?

ABEL: Priest.

(BAKER goes to the microphone, drops satchel centre on his way.)

BAKER: Sun—dock—trog—

(The mike is dead, BAKER swears.) Bicycles!

(BAKER goes back off-stage. Pause. The loud-speakers crackle.)

ABEL: Slab? [*Okay?]

BAKER: (Shouting off-stage, indistinctly.) Slab!

ABEL: (Speaking into the mike.) Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan.

(The mike is live. ABEL shouting to BAKER, with a thumbs-up sign.)

(Behind ABEL, CHARLIE, another schoolboy, enters backwards, hopping about, the visible half of a ball-throwing game. CHARLIE is wearing a dress, but schoolboy’s shorts, shoes and socks, and no wig.)

CHARLIE: Brick! … brick! [*Here! … here!]

(A ball is thrown to him from the wings. ABEL dispossesses CHARLIE of the ball.)

ABEL: Cube! [*Thanks!]

VOICE: (Off-stage) Brick! [*Here!)

(CHARLIE tries to get the ball but ABEL won’t let him have it.)

CHARLIE: Squire! [*Bastard!]

(ABEL throws the ball to the unseen person in the wings—not where BAKER is.)

Daisy squire! [*Mean bastard!]

ABEL: Afternoons! [*Get stuffed!]

CHARLIE: (Very aggrieved.) Vanilla squire! [*Rotten bastard!]

ABEL: (Giving a V-sign to CHARLIE.) Afternoons!

(ABEL hopping about, calls for the ball from the wings.) Brick! [*Here!]

(The ball is thrown to ABEL over CHARLIE’s head. DOGG, the headmaster, in mortar-board and gown, enters from the opposite wing, and as the ball is thrown to ABEL, DOGG dispossesses ABEL.)

DOGG: Cube! [*Thank you!] Pax! [*Lout!]

(DOGG gives ABEL a clip over the ear and starts to march off carrying the ball.)

ABEL: (Respectfully to DOGG.) Cretinous, git? [*What time it is, sir?]

DOGG: (Turning round.) Eh?

ABEL: Cretinous pig-faced, git? [*Have you got the time please, sir?]

(DOGG takes a watch out of his waistcoat pocket and examines it.)

DOGG: Trog poxy. [*Half-past three.]

ABEL: Cube, git. [*Thank you, sir.]

DOGG: Upside artichoke almost Leamington Spa? [*Have you seen the lorry from Leamington Spa?]

ABEL: Artichoke, git? [*Lorry, sir?]

CHARLIE: Leamington Spa, git? [*Leamington Spa, sir?]

DOGG: Upside? [*Have you seen it?]

ABEL: (Shaking his head.) Nit, git. [*No, sir.]

CHARLIE: (Shaking his head.) Nit, git. [*No, sir.]

DOGG: (Leaving again.) Tsk. Tsk. [*Tsk. Tsk.] Useless. [*Good day.]

ABEL/CHARLIE: Useless, git. [*Good day, sir.]

(DOGG exits with the ball. BAKER enters. He looks at his wrist watch.)

BAKER: Trog poxy. [*Half-past three.]

(There are now three satchels on the ground centre stage. BAKER goes to one and extracts a packet of sandwiches. ABEL and CHARLIE do the same. The three boys settle down and start to examine their sandwiches.)

ABEL: (Looking in his sandwiches.) Pelican crash. [*Cream cheese.] (To BAKER.) Even ran? [*What have you got?]

BAKER: (Looking in his sandwich.) Hollyhocks. [*Ham.]

ABEL: (To CHARLIE.) Even ran? [*What have you got?]

CHARLIE: (Looking in his sandwich.) Mouseholes. [*Egg.]

ABEL: (To CHARLIE.) Undertake sun pelican crash frankly sun mousehole? [*Swop you one cream cheese for one egg?]

CHARLIE: (With an amiable shrug.) Slab. [*Okay.]

(ABEL and CHARLIE exchange half a sandwich each.)

BAKER: (To Abel.) Undertake sun hollyhocks frankly sun pelican crash?

ABEL: Hollyhocks? Nit!

ABEL: Afternoons!

(BAKER fans himself with his cap and makes a comment about the heat.)

BAKER: Afternoons! Phew—cycle racks hardly butter fag ends. [*Comment about heat.]

CHARLIE: (Agreeing with him.) Fag ends likely butter consequential.

ABEL: Very true. [*Needs salt.]

ABEL: (Putting out his hand.) Very true.

(CHARLIE takes a salt cellar out of his satchel. CHARLIE passes ABEL the salt.)

Cube. [*Thank you.]

(He sprinkles salt on his sandwich and then offers salt to BAKER.) Very true? [*Need salt?]

BAKER: (Taking it.) Cube. [*Thank you.]

(BAKER uses the salt and puts it down next to him. CHARLIE puts his hand out towards BAKER.)

CHARLIE: Brick. [*Here.]

(BAKER passes CHARLIE his salt-cellar. They eat their sandwiches. The explanation for the next passage of dialogue is that ABEL and BAKER, who are due shortly to participate in a school play performed in its original language—English—start rehearsing some of their lines.)

ABEL: (Suddenly) Who’s there?

BAKER: Nay, answer me.

ABEL: Long live the King. Get thee to bed.

BAKER: For this relief, much thanks.

(ABEL stands up.)

ABEL: What, has this thing appeared again tonight?

(BAKER stands up by him.)

BAKER: Peace, break thee off: look where it comes again.

ABEL: Looks it not like the King?

(They are not acting these lines at all, merely uttering them, tonelessly.)

BAKER: By heaven, I charge thee, speak!

ABEL: ’Tis here. (Pointing stage left.)

BAKER: ’Tis there. (Pointing stage right, their arms crossing awkwardly.)

ABEL: ’Tis gone.

BAKER: But look—the russet mantle …

(He has gone wrong. Pause.)

ABEL: (Trying to help him.) Clad—walks …

(ABEL and BAKER don’t always structure their sentences correctly.)

BAKER: (Shakes his head and swears softly to himself.)

(BAKER produces from his pocket his script. He looks through it and finds where he has gone wrong.)

The morn!—the morn in russet mantle clad—walks o’er the dew of yon high eastern hill.

ABEL: Let us impart what we have seen tonight unto (indicating HAMLET is just above waist height with his hand.) young Hamlet … Slab? [*Okay?] Block. [*Next.]

(BAKER shakes his head and sits down.)

BAKER: (Shakes head.) Nit! [*No!]

(CHARLIE, for no reason, is singing to the tune of ‘My Way’. He doesn’t know all the words in the third line. BAKER joins in on the fourth line in close harmony.)

CHARLIE: (Sings) Engage congratulate moreover state abysmal fairground.

Begat perambulate this aerodrome chocolate eclair found.

Maureen again dedum-de-da-ultimately cried egg.

Dinosaurs rely indoors if satisfied egg …

(ABEL blows a raspberry by way of judgement. As the song dies away a lorry is heard arriving. The three boys get up and put away their sandwich papers etc. and look expectantly in the direction of the lorry.)

BAKER: Artichoke. [*Lorry.]

(BAKER goes forward, looking out into the wings, and starts directing the lorry—which is apparently backing towards him—with expressive gestures.)

Cauliflower … cauliflower … hardly … onyx hardly … [*Left … left … right … right hand down …] Tissue … tissue … slab! [*Straight … straight … okay!]

(The lorry-driver EASY is heard slamming the cab door and he enters. He is dressed in a white boiler-suit and cloth cap and is carrying a rolled-up red carpet and a box of small flags on sticks. He puts them down.)

EASY: Buxton’s—blocks an’ that.

EASY: Buxton’s Deliveries of Leamington Spa. I’ve got a load of blocks and that. I’ll need a bit of a hand.

(Pause. The boys look at him blankly, baffled.)

EASY: I’ll need a bit of a hand, being as I’m on my own, seeing as my mate got struck down in a thunderstorm on the A412 near Rickmansworth—a bizarre accident … a bolt from the blue, zig-zagged right on to the perforated snout of his Micky Mouse gas mask. He was delivering five of them at the bacteriological research children’s party—entering into the spirit of it—when, shazam!—it was an electrifying moment, left his nose looking more like Donald Duck and his ears like they popped out of a toaster. He sounded like a cuckoo clock striking twelve.

(EASY relates story with considerable gusto, but to his disappointment it falls flat being, of course, not understood.)

Right you are then, lads. Where do you want them?

(Another long pause, BAKER takes a step forward towards EASY, pleased with himself for having a good idea.)

BAKER: By heaven I charge thee speak!

EASY: Who are you then?

BAKER: (Encouragingly.) William Shakespeare.

EASY: (To ABEL.) Cretin is he?

BAKER: (Looking at his wrist watch.) Trog-taxi.

EASY: I thought so. (Looking at CHARLIE.) Are you all a bit peculiar, then? Where’s the guvnor?

(DOGG enters briskly.)

DOGG: Useless! [*Afternoon!]

BOYS: Useless, git! [*Afternoon, sir!]

EASY: Afternoon, squire. [This means in Dogg, *Get stuffed, you bastard.]

(DOGG grabs EASY by the lapels in a threatening manner.)

DOGG: Marzipan clocks! [*Watch it!]

(DOGG produces a piece of paper which is a plan of the construction which is to be made on the stage. This is quite a large piece of paper and the steps and wall which are to be built are discernible on it. DOGG examines the paper briefly and then starts positioning the boys.)

ABEL: Slab, git. [*Yes, sir.]

DOGG: (Pointing towards the lorry.) Pontoon crumble.

ABEL: Slab, git.

(ABEL goes out towards the lorry.)

DOGG: Baker …

(BAKER pays attention.)

Brick. [*Here.]

(He positions BAKER next to the wing near the lorry.)

BAKER: Slab, git.

DOGG: Cube. [*Thank you.] (To CHARLIE.) Charlie,

CHARLIE: Slab, git.

(He positions CHARLIE in line with BAKER and the lorry. EASY stands next CHARLIE in the place where the steps are to be built. To BAKER and CHARLIE.) Plank? [*Ready?]

BAKER/CHARLIE: Plank, git. [*Ready, sir.]

DOGG: (Calling out to ABEL.) Plank?

ABEL: (Off-stage.) Plank, git.

(DOGG gives the piece of paper to EASY who studies it warily. EASY puts the paper in his pocket.)

DOGG: (Calling out to ABEL loudly—shouts.) Plank!

(To EASY’s surprise and relief a plank is thrown to BAKER who catches it, passes it to CHARLIE, who passes it to EASY, who places it on the stage. DOGG smiles, looks encouragingly at EASY.)

EASY: (Uncertainly, calls.) Plank!

To his surprise and relief a second plank is thrown in and passed to him the same way. He places it.)

(A third plank is thrown in and positioned as before. DOGG leaves, satisfied. Note: EASY is going to build a platform, using ‘planks’, ‘slabs’, ‘blocks’ and ‘cubes’ so that the platform is stepped, with the steps upstage.

Confidently, calls.) Plank!

(A block is thrown instead of a plank. When it reaches EASY, he passes it back to CHARLIE who passes it back to BAKER, who turns and places it on the floor upstage. While BAKER is upstage EASY has repeated his call.)

(A second block is thrown straight into CHARLIE’s arms. CHARLIE passes it to EASY who passes it back to CHARLIE who takes it upstage to join the first block on the floor. EASY shouts.)

(A plank is thrown straight to him and he places it gratefully on the floor next to the other three. EASY takes another look at the plans and replaces them into his pocket. He shouts.)

(BAKER and CHARLIE have resumed their positions. A slab is thrown in, caught by BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY, who places it on top of the planks. EASY shouts.)

(A second slab is thrown in and passed to EASY who places it. A third slab likewise reaches EASY. He needs four for his construction. He shouts.)

(A block is thrown to BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY, who impatiently passes it back to CHARLIE who passes it back to BAKER who takes it upstage. EASY shouts.)

(Another block is thrown, straight to CHARLIE who passes it to EASY who passes it back to CHARLIE who walks upstage with it and places it on the floor.)

ABEL: (Enters smiling.) Slab?

EASY: Git! Slab.

(ABEL leaves and a moment later another block comes flying across to EASY who catches it, throws it furiously at BAKER and CHARLIE, who catch it and put it down. EASY walks off into the wings.

From his satchel CHARLIE produces a small transistor radio which he turns on. He is lucky enough to catch his favourite song, half-way through the first verse, which we have already heard. CHARLIE sings.)

EASY: (Off-stage.) Useless.

ABEL: (Politely, off-stage.) Useless, git.

(There is the sound of a slap and a sharp cry from ABEL. EASY re-enters carrying a slab. DOGG now re-enters with a tray of button-holes. He puts this down and picks up the box of flags.)

DOGG: (Calling off-stage to ABEL.) Abel!

ABEL: Slab, git.

(ABEL enters, holding his ear and glancing aggrievedly at EASY. DOGG starts handing out the flags, starting with ABEL, who on receiving his flag goes back off-stage. DOGG hands flags to BAKER, CHARLIE and some of the audience, counting the flags as he gives them out.)

Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce …

(EASY, who has placed the slab and is watching DOGG, takes a step towards him.)

(DOGG takes this as a correction.)

(DOGG irritably does a re-count, aloud, and finds that he was right …)

DOGG: Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce!

DOGG: (Witheringly.) Pax!

(DOGG then turns his attention to the button-holes. EASY expects to be given one.)

(To EASY.) Nit!

(He gives a button-hole to CHARLIE.)

CHARLIE: Cube, git.

DOGG: Block. [*Next.]

(BAKER comes forward and receives his button-hole.)

BAKER: Cube, git.

DOGG: (Calls out to ABEL.) Block! Abel!

(ABEL comes on and receives his button-hole. ABEL is holding his ear in an aggrieved manner, looking at EASY.)

ABEL: Cube, git.

(ABEL retires back to the lorry. DOGG looks expectantly at EASY.)

DOGG: Slab? [*Okay?]

(He obviously expects EASY to carry on with the work. EASY re-examines the plan, replaces it in his pocket and nervously calls out to ABEL.)

(To his surprise and relief a block is thrown in. By this time CHARLIE, who had guiltily turned off the radio as soon as DOGG entered, has gone back to his receiving position, as has BAKER. The block is passed down the line to EASY who places it on top of the slabs. He calls out.)

(Another block follows the same route. DOGG leaves satisfied. EASY calls out.)

(A slab is heaved on. BAKER catches it and passes it to CHARLIE who, however, anticipates EASY’s reaction and takes it back upstage to join the blocks on the floor. EASY shouts out.)

(Another slab is heaved on and BAKER no less astutely takes it upstage, EASY marches off towards ABEL.)

CHARLIE: Cretin is he?

BAKER: Cretin is he?—Trog—taxi—marmalade. [*Marmalade denotes pleasure and approval.]

EASY: (Off-stage.) Great Oaf!

(This is followed by another cry of pain from ABEL. CHARLIE has turned his radio on again. The radio emits the familiar pips of the time signal, BAKER checks his watch.)

RADIO: Check mumble hardly out. [*Here are the football results.]

(CHARLIE takes a pools coupon out of his satchel and starts checking it off. The rhythm of the language coming out of the radio is the familiar one, appropriate to home wins, away wins, and draws.

The following is a translation of the numbers;

	Nil	=	quite			3	=	trog
	1	=	sun			4	=	slack
	2	=	dock			5	=	pan

In addition, ‘Clock’ and ‘Foglamp’ correspond to ‘City’ and ‘United’. Thus the result, ‘Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog’ would be delivered with the inflections appropriate to, say, ‘Manchester City nil, Manchester United three’—an away win. The radio starts by saying, ‘Oblong Sun’ with the inflection of ‘Division One’.)

RADIO: Oblong Sun, Dogtrot quite, Flange dock; Cabrank dock, Blanket Clock quite; Tube Clock dock, Handbag dock; Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog; Wonder quite, Picknicking pan …

(CHARLIE whistles at that—a five-nil away win. Meanwhile EASY re-enters carrying a tall load of blocks, followed by ABEL, limping, carrying a similar load. EASY puts his blocks down. He notices the radio and CHARLIE checking his pools. EASY produces a pools coupon and a pencil before he realizes that he can’t make head or tail of the radio.)

EASY: (Bemused.) Do you mind if I ask you something. What wavelength are you on?

(Meanwhile BAKER has started to make a neat wall out of the blocks and slabs which have so far been assembled. It is apparent now that some of the blocks have got apparently random letters printed on them, EASY, having put away his pools coupon, adds blocks to the steps. ABEL has dumped his load of blocks near BAKER and now limps off stage back to the lorry, DOGG enters.)

DOGG: (To EASY.) Moronic creep. [*Maroon carpet.]

(EASY grabs DOGG by the lapel.)

EASY: Watch it!

(DOGG, surprised, disengages himself.)

DOGG: (To EASY.) Afternoons—moronic creep?

BAKER: (To DOGG.) Brick, git. [*Here, sir.]

DOGG: Ah. Cube.

(BAKER paints at the carpet. DOGG unrolls the red carpet to make a path from the microphone to the wings. CHARLIE has turned off the radio on DOGG’s entrance and now BAKER rejoins him in building the wall. EASY has completed that stage of the steps, and the wall is complete. BAKER and CHARLIE are nowhere to be seen because they built the wall from the back and it now conceals them. This leaves EASY apparently alone in front of the wall. He hasn’t yet noticed the letters, which read;

EASY takes the plan out of his pocket and studies it again. DOGG notices the wall. He looks at EASY. EASY looks at the wall. EASY looks at DOGG. EASY smiles. DOGG slaps EASY lightly on the cheek. EASY opens his mouth to protest. DOGG cuffs him heavily on the other cheek and knocks EASY through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG takes the piece of paper out of EASY’s pocket and looks at it carefully. EASY picks himself up. CHARLIE and BAKER go back into their receiving positions. DOGG gives the paper back to EASY.)

EASY: Here, what’s your game?

DOGG: Cube. [*Thank you.]

(Then he calls out to ABEL.)

(A cube is thrown in to BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY who puts it in place. DOGG to CHARLIE and BAKER.) Slab?

CHARLIE/BAKER: Cube, git!

EASY: (With venom.) Git!

(DOGG is pleased and smiles. EASY is completely at a loss. DOGG leaves satisfied.)

(Another cube follows the same route.)

(A slab sails on and BAKER and CHARLIE catch it together. They immediately take it upstage and place it down to form the base of a rebuilt wall. They start rebuilding the wall. Meanwhile EASY walks off towards ABEL and as soon as he is off-stage there is the sound of a thump and a cry from ABEL. ABEL walks on, limping, holding his ear and rubbing his backside.)

EASY: (Off-stage.) Cube!

(A cube sails on over ABEL’s head, and ABEL, who is caught by surprise, catches it and places it on the steps. This keeps happening again and again while BAKER and CHARLIE rebuild the wall. ABEL, however, makes a tower out of the cubes instead of laying them to make a new level. After seven cubes, in toto, EASY enters and sees the tottering tower of cubes and just saves them from collapsing. BAKER and CHARLIE meanwhile have removed themselves from view by rebuilding the wall which now says;

DOGG enters, carrying a small table with silver trophies covered with a velvet cloth. He walks to the microphone and tests it.)

DOGG: Sun, dock, trogg …

(The microphone is dead. DOGG to BAKER.)

Haddock priest.

BAKER: Haddock, git?

(BAKER goes to the microphone and turns the switch on.)

Sun, dock, trog … Gymshoes. [*Excellent.]

(The microphone is live. Meanwhile EASY has placed all the cubes correctly so that they make a top layer to the steps. He is one cube short, however. ABEL goes back to the lorry.)

EASY: Cube short.

DOGG: (To EASY.) Brick?

(A cube sails in from the lorry and EASY catches it and then the steps are complete, DOGG turns to go, sees the new wall with its message and looks at EASY, EASY looks at the wall. He looks at DOGG.)

(DOGG knocks him through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG leaves. CHARLIE and BAKER start re-assembling the components of the wall, EASY shouts after DOGG.)

Yob! [*Flowers.]

(CHARLIE, BAKER and EASY are roughly in line by the carpet. DOGG reappears immediately with a bouquet which is wrapped in cellophane and tied with a red ribbon. It is important that it is distinctive because it appears in the second half of the play. He hands this to CHARLIE. March music is heard. CHARLIE gives the bouquet to BAKER who gives it to EASY who thrusts it into DOGG’s hands as he exits. DOGG re-enters furiously and gives flowers back to EASY who gives them to ABEL as he enters. ABEL gives them to CHARLIE who loses them while rebuilding the wall. EASY exits and returns with lid for platform. CHARLIE and BAKER, now joined by ABEL, rebuild the wall, then take their little flags out of their pockets and start waving them. EASY joins in unhappily.

A LADY enters followed by a smirking DOGG. The music plays, the flags wave. The LADY gets to the microphone. The music stops and she is ready to give her speech which is written on a neat postcard held in her gloved hand.)

LADY: (Nicely.) Scabs, slobs, yobs, yids, spicks, wops …

(As one might say Your Grace, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls …)

Sad fact, brats pule puke crap-pot stink, spit; grow up dunces crooks; rank socks dank snotrags, conkers, ticks; crib books, cock snooks, block bogs, jack off, catch pox pick spots, scabs, padlocks, seek kicks, kinks, slack; nick swag, swig coke, bank kickbacks; … frankly can’t stick kids. Mens sana in corpore sano.

(Applause. LADY comes down from the platform helped by DOGG.

They stand by the table, DOGG lifts the cloth to reveal the school trophies.)

DOGG: (Presenting school prizes reads.) Pansticks jammy, sun-up—Fox Major. (FOX enters from auditorium left, climbs steps to stage and collects his prize. He shakes hands with a beaming LADY.)

FOX: Cube, get. [*Thank you, madam.]

(FOX exits into auditorium right.)

DOGG: As Grimsby primate what, sun-up—Fox Major.

(FOX, still near the front of the auditorium, turns and awkwardly squeezes in between two rows of seats. As he steps over the audience’s legs he apologetically exclaims ‘Cutlery’ [*Excuse me], reaches stage and receives prize as before.)

Cuff-laces empty cross … Crazy jogs … Poodle-fire … Melon legs arc lamps … pelvic wiggle stamp … grinning … grape-soot pergolas … fairly pricks double … elegant frantically … plugs … Fox Major.

(DOGG has been placing all these trophies on top of the velvet which covered them earlier, and which he has placed on the platform EASY built. FOX whoops when he hears his name and rushes onto the stage as before, but picks up the table, which is now quite bare, and exits trimphantly stage left.

Throughout this presentation ABLE, BAKER and CHARLIE have been waving their flags each time FOX arrives on stage, but their faces reveal their dissatisfaction and boredom.

Practically … Helmet bedsocks Denmark. [*And now … Helmet Prince of Denmark.]

MRS DOGG (Correcting him.) Hamlet …

DOGG: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark, yeti William Shakespeare. (To MRS DOGG.) Yob?

MRS DOGG: Yob … yob … yob? [*Flowers?]

(She looks to schoolboys, who know nothing of their whereabouts. MRS DOGG turns away and gives LADY her button-hole, with a little curtsey. To LADY.)

Hernia, suppurating kidneys, reeks cat-boils frankly gangrenous armpit dripping maggots …

LADY: (With energy and charm.) Sod the pudding club!

(Music, DOGG, MRS DOGG and LADY begin to exit past the wall. The LADY notices the message on the wall which says:

She is taken aback but bravely continues out. DOGG looks daggers at EASY. As soon as the LADY and MRS DOGG have left the stage DOGG does an about-turn and marches back to EASY. EASY looks at DOGG. DOGG looks at the wall. EASY dutifully hurls himself through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG leaves. EASY picks himself up. He shouts furiously after DOGG.)

EASY: Stinkbag! Poxy crank!

(ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE are also resentful about DOGG and all their succeeding lines, as are EASY’s, are insults referring to DOGG, though not necessarily called out after him.)

BAKER: Pax! Quinces carparks!

EASY: Canting poncey creep!

CHARLIE: Daisy squire!

EASY: Sadist! Fascist!

ABEL: Fishes! Afternoons!

EASY: Officious bastard! Lunatic!

ABEL: Avacados castle sofa Dogg!

EASY: Have his guts for garters, see if I don’t!

ABEL: (Talking to EASY about DOGG.) Avocados castle cigar smoke.

EASY: (To ABLE.) Right!—See if I don’t! Kick his backside!

BAKER: (To EASY.) Quinces ice-packs!

EASY: (To BAKER.) Right!

CHARLIE: Daisy squire!

BAKER: Slab git, nit git—

EASY: Three bags full git! Crazy little squirt!

CHARLIE: Daisy vanilla!

EASY: Squire! Quince bog! Have his pax for carpox—so help me Dogg, see avocado!——Slab.

BAKER: Moronic creep.

EASY: Slab. Cretinous pig-face?

BAKER: Cretinous pig-face? Slack-dunce. [*4: 10.]

(During the above ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE have been rebuilding the wall, and EASY has been rolling up the red carpet. Now EASY starts collecting all the flags back starting with the three flags given to ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE which they threw to the floor in disgust. He collects flags from the audience and counts them as he collects them, and thanks each one, ‘Cube’, as he does so.)

Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, fun, what, dunce!

(ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE have just finished building the wall and have built themselves out of view. EASY moves to exit, when we hear …)

BAKER: (From behind screen and pointing at microphone.) Haddock.

(EASY returns and takes off microphone. Before he exits …)

EASY: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark. Yeti William Shakespeare.

(The wall says:

The lighting changes and there is a trumpet fanfare and DOGG enters now dressed to take his part in the 15-Minute Hamlet. He goes to the platform, from which he speaks the prologue of the Hamlet, and then exits. This leaves the wall and the steps to be used as the walls and ramparts of Elsinore. At the back of the stage left and right are two folding screens. The stage left screen has a bolt through the top which allows a cut-out sun, moon and crown to be swung into vision from behind the screen. From the on-stage side pivots a two-dimensional cut-out grave for OPHELIA.)

Enter SHAKESPEARE, bows.

SHAKESPEARE: For this relief, much thanks.

Though I am native here, and to the manner born,

It is a custom more honoured in the breach

Than in the observance

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

There are more things in heaven and earth

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy—

There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,

Rough hew them how we will

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.

I must be cruel only to be kind;

Hold, as t’were, the mirror up to nature.

A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.

(LADY in audience shouts ‘Marmalade’.)

The lady doth protest too much.

Cat will mew, and Dogg will have his day!

(Bows and exits. End of prologue.)

A castle battlement. Thunder and wind. Enter two GUARDS: BERNARDO/MARCELLUS and FRANCISCO/HORATIO. The GUARDS are played by ABEL and BAKER respectively. They are costumed for a typical Shakespeare play except that they have short trousers. GUARDS on the platform.

BERNARDO: Who’s there?

FRANCISCO: Nay, answer me.

BERNARDO: Long live the King. Get thee to bed.

FRANCISCO: For this relief, much thanks.

BERNARDO: What, has this thing appeared again tonight?

FRANCISCO: Peace, break thee off: look where it comes again!

BERNARDO: Looks it not like the King?

FRANCISCO: By heaven, I charge thee, speak!

BERNARDO: (Points and looks left.) ’Tis here.

FRANCISCO: (Points and looks right.) ’Tis there.

BERNARDO: (Looks right.) ’Tis gone.

FRANCISCO: But look, the morn in russet mantle clad

Walks o’er the dew of yon high eastern hill.

(On ‘But look’ a cut-out sun shoots up over the stage left screen, and descends here.)

BERNARDO: Let us impart what we have seen tonight

Unto young Hamlet.

(Exeunt. End scene.)

A room of state within the castle. A cut-out crown hinges over stage left screen.

Flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE, who is played by MRS DOGG.

CLAUDIUS: Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother’s death

The memory be green

(Enter HAMLET who is played by fox MAJOR.)

Our sometime sister, now our Queen

Have we taken to wife.

But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son—

HAMLET: A little more than kin, and less than kind.

(Exit CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.)

O that this too too solid flesh would melt!

That it should come to this—but two months dead!

So loving to my mother: Frailty, thy name is woman!

Married with mine uncle, my father’s brother.

The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth

The marriage tables.

(The crown hinges down, HORATIO rushes on.)

HORATIO: My lord, I think I saw him yesternight—

The King, your father—upon the platform where

HAMLET: ’Tis very strange.

HORATIO: Armed, my lord—

A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.

HAMLET: My father’s spirit in arms? All is not well.

Would the night were come!

(The moon hinges up. Exeunt to parapet. End scene.)

The castle battlements at night. Noise of carouse, cannon, fireworks.

HORATIO and HAMLET appear on platform built by EASY.

HAMLET: The King doth wake tonight and takes his rouse,

Though I am native here and to the manner born,

It is a custom more honoured in the breach

Than in the observance.

(Wind noise.)

HORATIO: Look, my lord, it comes. (Points)

(Enter GHOST above the wall built of blocks.)

HAMLET: Angels and ministers of grace defend us!

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!

Alas, poor ghost.

GHOST: I am thy father’s spirit.

Revenge his foul and most unnnatural murder.

HAMLET: Murder?

GHOST: The serpent that did sting thy father’s life

Now wears his crown.

HAMLET: O my prophetic soul? Mine uncle?

(Exit GHOST. To HORATIO.)

There are more things in heaven and earth

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

(Exit HORATIO.)

Hereafter I shall think meet

To put an antic disposition on.

The time is out of joint. O cursed spite

That ever I was born to set it right!

(Exit HAMLET. Moon hinges down. End scene.)

A room within. Crown hinges up. Flourish of trumpets leading into flute and harpsichord music. Enter POLONIUS; OPHELIA rushes on.

OPHELIA is, of course, played by CHARLIE.

POLONIUS: How now Ophelia, what’s the matter?

OPHELIA: My lord, as I was sewing in my chamber,

Lord Hamlet with his doublet all unbraced;

No hat upon his head, pale as his shirt,

His knees knocking each other, and with a look so piteous

He comes before me.

POLONIUS: Mad for thy love?

I have found the very cause of Hamlet’s lunacy.

(Enter HAMLET, exit OPHELIA.)

Look where sadly the poor wretch comes reading

What do you read, my lord?

HAMLET: Words, words, words.

POLONIUS: Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.

HAMLET: I am but mad north northwest: when the wind is

southerly I know a hawk from a

(Slams book shut and against POLONIUS’s chest.)

POLONIUS: The actors are come hither, my lord. (Exits)

HAMLET: We’ll hear a play tomorrow.

I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play

Have by the very cunning of the scene

Been struck so to the soul that presently

They have proclaimed their malefactions.

I’ll have these players play something

Like the murder of my father before mine uncle.

If he but blench, I know my course.

The play’s the thing Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.

To be, or not to be (Puts dagger, pulled from his sleeve, to heart.
Enter CLAUDIUS and OPHELIA.)

that is the question.

OPHELIA: My lord—

HAMLET: Get thee to a nunnery!

(Exit OPHELIA and HAMLET.)

CLAUDIUS: Love? His affections do not that way tend

There’s something in his soul

O’er which his melancholy sits on brood.

He shall with speed to England.

(Exit CLAUDIUS. End scene.)

A hall within the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Enter HAMLET and OPHELIA, MARCELLUS and HORATIO joking, CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE. Puppet players appear above stage left screen.

HAMLET: (To puppet players.) Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you; trippingly on the tongue.

Hold, as t’were, the mirror up to nature

(ALL sit to watch puppet play. Masque music)

(To GERTRUDE.) Madam, how like you the play?

GERTRUDE: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

HAMLET: He poisons him in the garden of his estate. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of Gonzago’s wife.

(CLAUDIUS rises.)

The King rises!

(Music stops, hubbub noise starts.)

What, frighted with false fire?

(Exit, CLAUDIUS.)

ALL: Give o’er the play.

(Puppets disappear, crown disappears.)

HAMLET: Lights! Lights! Lights! I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pounds!

(Exeunt ALL except POLONIUS.)

POLONIUS: (Standing at side.) He’s going to his mother’s closet.

Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process.

(End scene.)

The Queen’s apartment. POLONIUS stands by stage right screen and hinges a curtain out from behind it. Lute music. Enter HAMLET and GERTRUDE.

HAMLET: Now Mother, what’s the matter?

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

HAMLET: Mother, you have my father much offended.

(Holds her.)

GERTRUDE: What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me?

Help! Help! Ho!

POLONIUS: (Behind the arras.) Help!

HAMLET: How now? A rat? (Stabs POLONIUS.) Dead for a ducat, dead!

GERTRUDE: O me, what hast thou done?

HAMLET: Nay, I know not.

GERTRUDE: Alas, he’s mad.

HAMLET: I must be cruel only to be kind. Good night, Mother.

(Exit HAMLET dragging POLONIUS. Exit GERTRUDE, sobbing. Arras hinges back. End scene.)

Another room in the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and HAMLET.

CLAUDIUS: Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?

HAMLET: At supper. (Hiding his sword clumsily.)

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, this deed must send thee hence.

Therefore prepare thyself,

Everything is bent for England.

(Exit HAMLET.)

And England, if my love thou holds’t at aught,

Thou may’st not coldly set our sov’reign process,

The present death of Hamlet. Do it, England!

(Exit CLAUDIUS. Crown hingest down. End scene.)

Sea music. A sail appears above stage left screen. Enter HAMLET on platform, swaying as if on ship’s bridge. He wipes his eyes, and becomes seasick. End sea music. Exit HAMLET, holding his hand to his mouth.

Yet another room in the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS and LAERTES.

LAERTES: Where is my father?

CLAUDIUS: Dead.

(Enter OPHELIA in mad trance, singing and carrying a bouquet of flowers wrapped in cellophane and with a red ribbon. Lute music.)

OPHELIA: They bore him barefaced on the bier,

(After her first line she gives a flower to LAERTES.)

Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny.

(After her second, she slams the bouquet in CLAUDIUS’s stomach. It is, of course, the missing bouquet from the speech-day ceremony.)

OPHELIA: And on his grave rained many a tear …

(Half-way through her third line she disappears behind the screen stage left and pauses. CLAUDIUS and LAERTES peer round the side she disappeared and she runs round the other behind them.)

LAERTES: O heat dry up my brains—O kind Sister,

(OPHELIA falls to ground. She catches a flower thrown from stage right screen.)

Had’st thou thy wits, and did’st persuade revenge It could not move thus.

CLAUDIUS: And where the offence is, let the great axe fall.

(Exit CLAUDIUS and LAERTES. OPHELIA sits up to reach gravestone which she swings down to conceal her. Bell tolls four times. End scene.)

A churchyard. Enter GRAVEDIGGER and HAMLET.

HAMLET: Ere we were two days at sea, a pirate of very warlike appointment gave us chase. In the grapple I boarded them. On the instant they got clear of our ship; so I alone became their prisoner. They have dealt with me like thieves of mercy.

GRAVEDIGGER: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright or the carpenter?

HAMLET: A gravemaker. The houses he makes will last till Doomsday.

(GRAVEDIGGER gives skull to HAMLET.)

GRAVEDIGGER: This same skull, Sir, was Yorick’s skull, the King’s jester.

HAMLET: Alas, poor Yorick. (Returns skull to GRAVEDIGGER.)

But soft—that is Laertes. (Withdraws to side.)

(Enter LAERTES.)

LAERTES: What ceremony else?

Lay her in the earth,

May violets spring. I tell thee, churlish priest …

(Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.)

A ministering angel shall my sister be

When thou liest howling.

HAMLET: (Hiding behind the brick platform.) What, the fair Ophelia?

LAERTES: O treble woe. Hold off the earth awhile,

Till I have caught her once more in my arms.

HAMLET: (Re-entering acting area.)

What is he whose grief bears such an emphasis?

This is I, Hamlet the Dane!

LAERTES: The devil take thy soul.

(They grapple.)

HAMLET: Away thy hand!

(CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE pull them apart.)

CLAUDIUS/GERTRUDE: Hamlet! Hamlet!

HAMLET: I loved Ophelia. What wilt thou do for her?

GERTRUDE: O he is mad. Laertes!

(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES.)

HAMLET: The cat will mew, and dog will have his day!

(Exeunt. End scene.)

A hall in the castle. Flourish of trumpets, crown hinges up. Enter HAMLET.

HAMLET: There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough hew them how we will. But thou would’st not think how ill all’s here about my heart. But ’tis no matter. We defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all.

(LAERTES enters with OSRIC bearing swords followed by CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE with goblets.)

LAERTES: Come, my lord.

(Fanfare of trumpets. They draw and duel.)

HAMLET: Judgement?

OSRIC: A hit, a very palpable hit.

CLAUDIUS: Stay, give me a drink.

Hamlet, this pearl is thine, here’s to thy health.

(Drops pearl in goblet.)

Give him the cup.

GERTRUDE: The Queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.

CLAUDIUS: Gertrude, do not drink!

GERTRUDE: I will, my lord. (Drinks)

LAERTES: My lord, I’ll hit him now.

Have at you, now!

(The grapple and fight.)

CLAUDIUS: Part them, they are incensed.

They bleed on both sides.

(OSRIC and CLAUDIUS part them.)

LAERTES: I am justly killed by my own treachery. (Falls)

GERTRUDE: The drink, the drink! I am poisoned! (Dies)

HAMLET: Treachery! Seek it out.

(Enter FORTINBRAS.)

LAERTES: It is here, Hamlet. Hamlet thou art slain.

Lo, here I lie, never to rise again.

The King, the King’s to blame.

HAMLET: The point envenomed too?

Then venom to thy work. (Kills CLAUDIUS.)

(Crown hinges down.)

LAERTES: Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Ha … m … (Dies)

HAMLET: I follow thee.

I cannot live to hear the news from England.

The rest is silence. (Dies)

HORATIO: Good night sweet prince,

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

(Turns to face away from audience.)

Go, bid the soldiers shoot.

(Four shots heard from off-stage, ALL stand, bow once and exit. End.)

Encore signs appear above each screen. Flourish of trumpets, crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.

CLAUDIUS: Our sometime sister, now our Queen,

(Enter HAMLET.)

Have we taken to wife.

(Crown hinges down.)

HAMLET: That it should come to this!

(Exit CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE. Wind noise. Moon hinges up. Enter HORATIO above.)

HORATIO: My lord, I saw him yesternight—

The King, your father.

HAMLET: Angels and ministers of grace defend us!

(Exit, running, through rest of speech.)

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

(Enter GHOST above.)

GHOST: I am thy father’s spirit.

The serpent that did sting thy father’s life

(Enter HAMLET above.)

Now wears his crown.

HAMLET: O my prophetic soul!

Hereafter I shall think meet

To put an antic disposition on.

(Moon hinges down. Exeunt.

Short flourish of trumpets. Enter POLONIUS below, running. Crown hinges up.)

POLONIUS: Look where sadly the poor wretch comes.

(Exit POLONIUS, running. Enter HAMLET.)

HAMLET: I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play

Have by the very cunning of the scene been struck.

(Enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, OPHELIA, MARCELLUS and HORATIO joking. ALL sit to watch imaginary play, puppets appear above screen.)

If he but blench, I know my course.

(Masque music. CLAUDIUS rises.)

The King rises!

ALL: Give o’er the play!

(Exeunt ALL except GERTRUDE and HAMLET. Crown hinges down.)

HAMLET: I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pounds.

(Enter POLONIUS, goes behind arras. Short flourish of trumpets.)

Mother, you have my father much offended.

GERTRUDE: Help!

POLONIUS: Help, Ho!

HAMLET: (Stabs POLONIUS.) Dead for a ducat, dead!

(POLONIUS falls dead off-stage. Exit GERTRUDE and HAMLET. Short flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS followed by HAMLET.)

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, this deed must send thee hence

(Exit HAMLET.)

Do it, England.

(Exit CLAUDIUS. Enter OPHELIA, falls to ground. Rises and pulls gravestone to cover herself. Bell tolls twice. Enter GRAVEDIGGER and HAMLET.)

HAMLET: A pirate gave us chase. I alone became their prisoner.

(Takes skull from GRAVEDIGGER.)

Alas poor Yorick—but soft (Returns skull to GRAVEDIGGER.)—This is I,

Hamlet the Dane!

(Exit GRAVEDIGGER. Enter LAERTES.)

LAERTES: The devil take thy soul!

(They grapple, then break. Enter OSRIC between them with swords. They draw. Crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE with goblets.)

HAMLET: Come on, Sir!

(LAERTES and HAMLET fight.)

OSRIC: A hit, a very palpable hit!

CLAUDIUS: Give him the cup. Gertrude, do not drink!

GERTRUDE: I am poisoned! (Dies)

LAERTES: Hamlet, thou art slain! (Dies)

HAMLET: Then venom to thy work! (Kills CLAUDIUS.

Crown hinges down.)

The rest is silence. (Dies)

(Two shots off-stage. End)

The actors stand up to take their curtain call. While this is going on EASY walks on whistling, lifts lid from steps, removes a cube and walks off with it. The actors retire.

EASY: (To audience.) Cube …

(He walks out.)