Chapter Four

JUSTIN’S HEART THUDDED with excitement and apprehension all through the short drive to Rowel Hardware and the one-bedroom apartment he was nominally renting above it. The arrangement made tending shop a bit easier, but it was an old place in dire need of renovation, so not conducive to having company over. Come to think of it, he hadn’t brought anyone for a sleepover aside from Mark.

He bit his lip. He really, really didn’t want to think about Mark at the moment, not when he was about to… What exactly was it he was about to do? He shot a quick glance at Elliot, sitting in the passenger seat of Justin’s Camry, his profile etched against the dark window like an inverted charcoal sketch.

Neither of them was drunk, but this felt exactly like the sort of thing someone would do after having one too many whiskey shots. Justin’s mouth went dry just thinking about it. It was inevitable that seeing Elliot again, being around him, hearing his calm voice with its ever-present sarcastic inflection, had stirred up all these repressed emotions. They had never gone away, and Justin knew with resolute certainty they never would. Given that Elliot accepted his invitation to spend the night, Justin might not be the only one with unresolved feelings for his ex. But were they doing the right thing, acting on those feelings?

Did they care?

Justin pulled up into the back alley behind the hardware store where he usually parked his car and got out. Elliot followed suit. It really wasn’t an ideal place for a romantic dalliance, with the faint aroma of urine and rot coming from behind the dumpsters. Frankly, Justin’s apartment upstairs wasn’t much cozier, but making out in the car seemed inappropriate for the occasion.

His heart was thudding as they stepped around the car, reached for each other, and clasped hands. Despite the darkness of the alley, Justin was sure he wasn’t imagining the intensity in Elliot’s gaze, or the rush of his pulse under Justin’s fingers.

“Do you really want to do this?” Elliot asked quietly.

The look in his eyes tugged at Justin’s heart—hopeful and raw as if Elliot needed this even more than Justin did.

He nodded. Neither of them had said the words, but there was no doubt as to what was about to happen, and the prospect sent a shiver of anticipation down Justin’s spine. A thick, sweet ache settled in his groin at the thought of Elliot touching him again. How different would it feel now, with them both experienced adults rather than two youths fumbling through figuring out their sexuality?

Elliot leaned in to kiss him, and Justin closed his eyes, yearning for that familiar taste, tinged with apple, cinnamon, and unspoken promises.

“I can’t believe it!”

Justin’s eyes flew open just as a tall shadow detached from the wall next to the back door. He gasped in alarm, instinctively recoiling, and Elliot stepped in front of him, shielding him from the sudden threat. They were both roughly the same height and had less than impressive builds, so Elliot’s attempt at protection was most likely useless, but Justin’s heart warmed at witnessing it nonetheless.

“You bring someone home after giving me grief about doing the same? That’s really classy, Justin.”

A man approached them from the shadows, and Justin could now make out his tousled blond hair and lanky figure, wrapped in a thick blue parka.

“What the actual hell, Mark?” Justin demanded, annoyed at his less than dignified response to perceived danger. His heart rate skyrocketed, this time for much less pleasant reasons than a minute ago. “You scared the living daylights out of me.”

He glanced guiltily at Elliot, who took a step back when it was clear they weren’t about to get mugged. His expression became shuttered as he looked from Justin to Mark, and his posture changed as if he was trying to physically withdraw from the situation.

“I came here hoping to work things out,” Mark said. “I wasn’t counting on you bringing…company.”

His breath came out in angry little puffs, and Justin wondered how long he’d been waiting for him to come home. That certainly took some dedication, but he wasn’t sure it was the good kind of dedication.

“Elliot is an old friend,” Justin said and immediately winced internally. That came out all wrong, and he felt rather than saw Elliot going rigid beside him.

“Yeah, you two sure looked friendly,” Mark said sourly.

“You no longer have a say in who I should be friendly with.” Justin raised his voice. “You cheated on me. I literally walked in on you with your pants around your ankles and some guy’s mouth around your dick. You don’t get to assume the moral high ground here. It’s over between us.”

He would never have had the temerity to make a scene, dishing it out with Mark out in the open, but there was no one to hear them, no residential buildings around them, only closed shops and restaurants. And he was too tired and too frustrated to suck it up and keep quiet for the sake of politeness. Every second of his standoff with Mark was pushing his impromptu one-night stand with Elliot further and further into the realm of wishful thinking.

Mark made an impatient gesture.

“I told you it meant nothing. We had too much to drink, that’s all. It was a one-time thing. I never meant for you to walk in on us.”

“Gee, that makes it all right then!”

“Listen, I know I screwed up, and I hate to put a damper on your little reunion or whatever.” Mark assumed a more cajoling tone. He threw a sideways glance at Elliot, who kept a resigned silence, so he continued, “I’m sorry. Really, I am. Please, Justin, don’t throw away everything we’ve had together because of one mistake. Let’s talk this through, okay?”

For a second, Justin wavered. He didn’t really want to hear anything Mark had to say, but a tiny, treacherous voice in his head whispered that perhaps he should. They’d been together for seven months, and Justin had almost succeeded in convincing himself they’d stay that way for much longer. Like every couple, they’d had their difficulties and disagreements, but his relationship with Mark had been one of the few things in Justin’s life that made him feel if not happy, then at least content.

Until Mark had so carelessly thrown it away.

It was only a short moment of irresolute weakness, but Elliot seemed to pick up on it.

“I’ll let you two get this sorted. Good night, Justin,” he said, his tone taking on a note of casual indifference that lanced Justin’s chest. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his wool camel-hair coat and strode purposefully out of the alley.

“No, Elliot, wait!” Justin started after him but stopped when Elliot didn’t turn back. Tiny snowflakes gently drifted all around him, and he flicked them impatiently off his face, feeling moisture on the tips of his cold fingers.

It wasn’t fair. They hadn’t even gotten one kiss. One kiss, after all those nights Justin had spent crying, waiting for the numbness that could be mistaken for healthy coping. Was that too much to ask for?

“Let him go,” Mark said, coming up behind him and putting his hand on Justin’s elbow. “Come on, let’s go upstairs. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Seriously?” Justin shrugged Mark’s hand off irritably, blinking away the tears. “You think you can fix this with sex?”

“You always seemed to enjoy it. I sure did.”

That was true. Sex had always been good between them, to the point where it had become a routine for sweeping arguments under the rug. It was as much Justin’s fault as Mark’s, so he couldn’t really blame him for resorting to a familiar tactic.

Justin turned to face him. The tears, which refused to let up no matter how hard he tried to will them away, blurred the edges of his vision, transforming Mark’s form into a dark shadow against the backdrop of the night.

“Not this time.” His voice quivered dangerously, and he swallowed before continuing. “I’m sorry, Mark. We’re done.”

“You don’t mean that,” Mark said, sounding stricken. Justin couldn’t tell if his astonishment stemmed from their relationship falling apart, or from his failure to grasp the possibility of Justin not wanting him anymore. That really said a lot about their bond, but Justin was too mentally exhausted to consider what it was.

Justin threw his arms around himself against the cold and headed toward the back door, brushing past Mark, who had no choice but to sidestep.

“It’s because of this Elliot guy, isn’t it?” Mark called after him, resentment coloring his words. “He’s the real reason you don’t want to get back with me.”

Justin paused. No, it’s not, he wanted to say, but the lie died on his tongue. For all Elliot’s quiet demeanor, his unexpected appearance at dinner had been like the passing of a blazing comet in the sky, bleaching all other colors.

All these months, Justin had been convincing himself he was slowly falling in love with Mark when, in reality, it had been nothing but a compromise. There was no doubt he cared about Mark, and they’d had good times together. That was why the betrayal had cut so deeply, causing him so much heartache. But whatever feelings they’d shared, it wasn’t what Justin had been searching for, ever since he’d lost Elliot. It wasn’t…love.

Elliot’s presence had brought the picture into an unforgiving focus, robbing Justin of his self-delusions. The love that had burned so bright when they were younger and naive enough to think the world would bend to their will was still there, its embers still glowing beneath the thick layer of Justin’s broken dreams.

Under different circumstances, Justin might have forgiven Mark and tried to glue their broken trust back together. He’d already been considering it. But now, after experiencing again, even for the briefest moment, what love really felt like, he couldn’t go back to a life of washed-up emotions. And if he couldn’t have something real, he’d rather not have anything at all.

“Goodbye, Mark,” he said and closed the door firmly behind him.

 

INSTEAD OF HEADING upstairs to his apartment and without bothering to switch on the lights in the narrow service hallway, Justin made his way to the tiny office in the back of the shop. He sat down heavily in the chair behind the cluttered desk and buried his face in his hands for a few long moments.

His cheeks were still wet with tears, and he wiped them jerkily, sitting up straight again. Anger and disappointment coursed through him, making him dizzy.

Well. Served him right. Apparently, one look at Elliot was enough to turn Justin’s brain into mush. What was he even thinking? What exactly was he trying to accomplish? Rekindle old romance by having sex with the ex? Ridiculous. It was such a bad idea, one that both he and Elliot would have probably regretted in the morning.

Justin closed his eyes for a moment. This was silly, all of it. He wasn’t in high school anymore, and this was all just teenage drama fueled by an ill-advised bout of nostalgia. It was difficult not to be swept away on the tide, but he had to resist the current that threatened to pull him under. He had more serious problems to deal with than a broken heart.

He switched on the table lamp, illuminating the papers and ledgers scattered over the desktop, and fired up his trusty laptop. He couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in his dreary rooms, and besides, there was always more work to be done.

Justin turned his attention to the invoice files, but unlike the tears and the weariness, he couldn’t quite ignore the dull ache that settled beneath his breastbone.