Deciding What Kind of Relationship
“I finally feel like an adult.”
You’ve changed.
You’re stronger now for having embraced your rights and taken steps to protect yourself. You’ve set boundaries with your mother and shifted your habitual responses to her behavior. You’ve reclaimed your integrity.
As you continue to use your new behavioral strategies, you’ll find out if your mother is truly willing to respect your limits, boundaries, and wishes. It may take time for her to accept that you’re serious, but each time you tell her what you’re willing and not willing to do, and then hold firm, you’re demonstrating that this is the way things are going to be—the new normal.
As that reality sinks in, some mothers, especially those who are not extremely critical, controlling, or narcissistic, realize that the stakes are high, and that if they want to preserve a relationship with you, they’ll need to begin respecting you as an adult and equal. Others feel attacked and can’t bear the thought that they may be in the wrong, so they defend themselves by intensifying their unloving behavior rather than examining and trying to change it.
You have four options for going forward—and maintaining the old status quo is not one of them. You can:
1. Continue using your assertive and nondefensive strategies to protect yourself and keep her unloving behavior in check. In some instances, that’s all you’ll need to do.
2. Negotiate for a better relationship. That requires spelling out what you want yet again, then coming to an agreement about what both of you will do, and monitoring her behavior and your own to prevent backsliding. Negotiation generally comes into play in more complex situations that can’t be handled by gradually putting boundaries and limits in place.
3. Have what I call a tea party relationship. You maintain contact but keep it superficial, and actively protect yourself by closing off opportunities for your mother to see or criticize your vulnerabilities.
4. Cut off from your mother entirely.
We’ll explore each of these options in the pages that follow, the first three in this chapter and the final option in the next. Remember that you are in control of this process—you set the terms of the relationship, and you decide what will serve you best.
Option 1: Use Your New Skills
to Reinforce the New Normal
Lauren, who had used position statements to give herself more breathing room in her relationship with her enmeshing mother, was optimistic when she came to see me after a few weeks of keeping her new boundaries intact.
LAUREN: “I can hardly believe it. Our old phone check-in time of five P.M. comes and goes, and sometimes I don’t even think about it. I actually kind of look forward to chatting with Mom a few times a week. I’m not saying everything is magically perfect, but things are a lot better. I have to watch myself to keep us from going backward, because I know Mom would still like us to be joined at the hip. But I’m getting better at letting her know I can’t do everything with her.
“I was planning a little dinner party, just some friends, and when I mentioned it to Mom, she was really upset about not being invited. I almost said, ‘Oh, all right. Just come.’ But then I thought, ‘No, that’s crazy. I don’t want her there.’ And that’s pretty much what I said. I never used to be honest with her, but this time I told her, ‘Mom, this is the kind of thing I’ve been talking to you about. There are times when I just want to be with my friends.’ I didn’t apologize, not even when she went back to the old ‘You don’t love me anymore.’ It was hard. I said, ‘That’s silly, Mom.’ And then I said, ‘I love you, Mom. I’ve got to go.’ That was it.”
Every time you express a truth that isn’t cruel or abusive, you grow. Lauren had stopped being the dutiful, guilt-bound daughter—“Yes, Mother, of course you can come”—and was fast becoming an empowered woman—“This is what I want.” I asked how she’d handle situations like the ones that had come up in the past, when her mother would buy tickets to a concert without checking with her and expect her to drop everything to go.
LAUREN: “I’ve thought about that. And I’m prepared to say, ‘I appreciate your generosity, but that won’t work for me. I have other plans.’ As long as I remember how good it feels not to resent her all the time, and how good it feels to actually be honest with her, I think I can do okay. It occurred to me that I used to lie to her all the time because I thought I’d hurt her feelings if I didn’t. How can you hope to be close to someone that way? I think we have a chance of having a better relationship now.”
I wish I could say that it’s common for mothers to respond as Lauren’s mother did, but many don’t. And in that case, you’ll need to take further steps.
Option 2: Negotiate for a Better Relationship
For many, even most, of the mothers you’ve seen in this book, a daughter’s day-to-day assertiveness will have little impact.
Controllers and narcissists, especially, may be deaf to your position statements and go on as if nothing has changed. Or they may respect your boundaries for a while and promise that they’ve changed for good, only to revert to their old behavior. (Narcissists, especially, pride themselves on looking good, and it’s not unusual for them to go along for a time simply to burnish their own image, and look as if they’re really trying.) In cases like that, you’ll need to have a more formal negotiation with your mother about your wants and needs rather than trying to make incremental shifts, issue by issue.
You’ll also want to negotiate for a better relationship if you know that only a swift and significant change in your mother’s behavior can give you any chance of healing. That’s true when:
• Your mother has an untreated addiction or condition such as depression that prevents your relationship from improving.
• A crisis requires you to change the destructive aspects of your relationship immediately.
• Abuse was part of your history with her, and you need to see how willing she is to take responsibility for either her complicity in the abuse or having been an active abuser herself. If she’s not willing to take responsibility, it is destructive to your well-being to have a relationship with her at all.
In all of these instances, you’ll need to tell your mother the critical issues you need to resolve and let her know what you’d like her to do, what you’re willing to do, and what will happen if the situation does not change. This negotiation can protect you from your mother’s unloving behavior and give you the degree of contact with her that you believe is healthiest for you.
Because the issues involved are so significant, and they may be complex and contentious, it’s essential to prepare thoroughly for your negotiation so you’ll have the inner clarity and confidence to communicate with your mother calmly and nondefensively. Sometimes, as you’ll see below, you may feel comfortable enough, based on the experience you’ve had using position statements, to negotiate on your own. But if your anxiety level is off the charts, it’s important to have the support of a therapist. If your family history involves physical or sexual abuse, the support of a therapist is mandatory. You need an advocate; it’s unwise to take this on by yourself.
Allison: “I’m not willing to be your mother any longer.”
Allison, who had grown up in a role reversal with her helpless, depressed mother, saw clearly how her caretaking tendencies with men grew from having been put in the role of being her mother’s caretaker and marriage counselor.
ALLISON: “A light went on this week when my mother called me after another fight with my father. She was really upset. Apparently Dad came home from work to find her in her room, with no dinner happening, and he lost it. He started slamming doors and drawers, and then he emptied all the pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinet, yelling and swearing, ‘You haven’t even started!’ I know it must’ve been awful.
“Mom started the usual litany of ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I don’t know how much more of this I can take.’ The first thing that went through my mind was ‘I can fix this. I’m stronger now, I’m healthier. . . . I know exactly what she should do.’ And then I caught myself. I took a deep breath and I said, ‘Mom, you’ve been taking Dad’s abuse ever since you were married. You’re perfectly capable of figuring out what to do and making a change. But, instead, all you’ve been doing is shifting your unhappiness to me, and quite honestly, I’m not willing to take it anymore.’
“She started to cry, and I felt like a criminal. I almost called her right back to tell her, for the millionth time, that she ought to leave Dad. But then I thought, ‘What am I thinking? I’ve been doing this my whole life, and it’s never done any good.’ You know how they say one definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. . . . What does that say about me?”
I assured Allison she was far from being insane—and she’d done a good job of protecting herself. She was just becoming ever more aware of the way she had been programmed to fix, to solve, to take care of, to be the grown-up. And those automatic responses had to end.
ALLISON: “I know, Susan. I just can’t keep trying to be her mother. She has to take care of herself, get some treatment. I can’t do it for her.”
But Allison could insist that her mother get the help she needed, and I told her she could make that a condition of continuing their relationship. Until the illness, whether it’s depression or an addiction, is under control, you’re in a relationship with the illness, not the person behind it. A decision about the role your mother can play in your life can only come after she’s gotten help. And if she won’t, there’s no way for any involvement with her to be healthy for you.
You must not betray yourself by continuing to rescue someone who will not get treatment. This is essential.
If your mother refuses to get help, remember:
• Detachment isn’t betrayal.
• Saving yourself isn’t betrayal.
• Setting conditions for a healthier relationship is not betrayal.
They are healthy, adult responses to a toxic situation.
I asked Allison to rehearse with me exactly what she wanted to say, and the words poured out.
ALLISON: “I want to say, Mom, I’m no longer willing to be your mother. I’m not willing to solve your life problems for you. . . . I want you to know that I’m happy to talk to you on the phone, but when you start to moan and complain about your marriage and your life, I’m going to change the subject or say I have to go. I want you to be prepared for that. . . . Now listen carefully because this is important. The main condition for my continuing to have a relationship with you is that you see your doctor about your depression. I’m willing to go with you, but you must get treatment to get your depression under control. Will you do that?”
Allison was excited when she phoned me a few days later.
ALLISON: “I’m so relieved, Susan. It worked. I went over to Mom’s house in the late afternoon before Dad got home and found her there in an old housedress with no makeup on, watching TV. I said, ‘Mom, I need to talk to you. I want you to go wash up, put on some makeup, and get dressed, and then we can talk.’ I made us some coffee in the kitchen, and then I told her I couldn’t live her life for her—she had to take care of herself, and especially deal with her depression. She said, ‘I know it’s a problem, but I don’t know what to do.’
“I said, ‘I want to help you through this, Mom, but you have to keep your part of the bargain.’ She squeezed my hand and said, ‘I’ll do it, honey. I know I lean too much on you.’ Then she actually said thank you. I didn’t expect that. I don’t know why I never had the guts to have the conversation. I don’t know what I thought she’d do. I actually feel hopeful.”
There was a realistic basis for that hope. Her mother had made the small, but hugely significant, shift from being totally helpless to saying she’d take some responsibility for herself. For the first time, she agreed to get professional help.
Stacy: “Things have to change immediately.”
Sometimes your mother seems to have so much power in the relationship that the consequences of a rift with her feel dire, or the pressure to come to an agreement with her is freighted with fears and concerns.
That was Stacy’s situation. She had an urgent need to shift her relationship with her enmeshing mother, who lived a few doors down the street and had gotten into the habit of spending all her free time at her daughter’s home. Stacy’s husband, Brent, had given Stacy an ultimatum, saying he couldn’t “be married to two women—you have to do something NOW,” and the clock was ticking. (You saw my earlier sessions with Stacy in the chapter on enmeshing mothers.)
Because Brent and Stacy had relied heavily on the financial support of Stacy’s mother—she had bought the house they were living in, allowing them to rent for a nominal amount as Brent built his business, and she babysat their young children after school—the idea of negotiating with her mother activated deep survival fears for Stacy.
STACY: “It’s been going okay, setting limits with Mom—I told her it wasn’t okay for her to poke around in our mail, and she actually stopped. But to tell her to . . . basically leave us alone unless we invite her over, which is what I know I need to do . . . I’m so scared about doing that. But if I don’t, I’ll lose Brent. I start getting heart palpitations every time I think about doing it.”
I told Stacy that the best way to ease those fears was to channel her imagination and energy, which she’d been pouring into worst-case scenarios, into practicing what she needed to say to her mother. Being prepared—writing out a script and saying the words aloud until they feel natural—is the best way of gaining confidence as you learn to put your needs into words.
SUSAN: “I know this is difficult, so let’s see if I can help you come up with some things you’ll feel comfortable saying. Since I’m not emotionally involved in the situation, it will be easier for me. Your mother has to know that she can no longer assume she has the same rights in your house as she has in her own. She isn’t respecting your separateness, your adulthood, or the fact that you have a partner. And the only way to let her know that is to tell her. You might want to take notes so you’ll have a script that you can study and memorize. That way, you’ll have the words you need to say if you get anxious and upset.
“You could say, ‘Mom, I’m very grateful for what you’ve done for us, but this arrangement just isn’t working out. It’s very destructive to my marriage. In Brent’s words, he didn’t expect to be married to two people—you and me. I didn’t expect to see us living as the Three Musketeers, either. So I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I’m going to give you some ideas of what is acceptable and what is no longer acceptable.
“ ‘I know this is going to hurt you, but I’m caught in the middle, and it’s not a very happy place for me to be. I care about you, but we’ve got to disentangle our lives. We’re too fused, and it’s not healthy for any of us.
“ ‘I haven’t wanted to bring this up because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but now I have this situation where Brent says he’s ready to leave if things don’t change. I can see how much harm it’s done to us for me to hide how unhappy I’ve been with this arrangement. We need to be able to have a life of our own that’s separate from you. You’ve never accepted the fact that I’m not in this world to keep you company. And in many ways it will be better for you when you do. You’re a bright, professional woman, and all you’re doing is being a babysitter.’ ”
I paused to point out to Stacy that she could be kind and respectful without getting into apologies and defenses. This early part of the negotiation was to state the facts without accusations. The next step would be to lay out her position statements, which would consist of: “I’m willing to do this . . . I’m not willing to do this . . . I’d like you to do this.”
I told her that those position statements might sound like this: “We’ll be happy to have you over for dinner when it’s convenient for us, which may mean once a week, or every other week. But not every night, Mom. Brent and I have had precious little time alone since we were married. That has to change.
“It’s no longer acceptable for you to criticize my husband and come over whenever you want and stay as long as you want. If there’s a special program on TV that we all want to watch together, fine, but after it’s over, you need to leave. We are not the Three Musketeers.
“I really appreciate all you’ve done to take care of the kids. But they’re both in school longer now, and I’ll either cut my hours at Brent’s company so I can be here when the kids get home or I’ll find someone to watch them. I’m also going to need to get the house key back from you. I’ve been too dependent on you, and you’ve been too dependent on me. I’m a healthy adult woman with a family of my own, and I don’t need you to hover over me anymore. You need to have activities and friends of your own.”
Stacy gave herself a deadline of having the talk with her mother before her next appointment with me, and she told me about her negotiation when we met the next week.
STACY: “Mom was really indignant at first. She said something like, ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this. What’s happened to you? After all I’ve done for you and all we’ve been through, I can’t believe that husband of yours is forcing you to do this.’ My heart was pounding, but I kept taking deep breaths and I said, ‘It’s not acceptable that you talk to me that way, Mom. I’m an adult, and this is coming from me, not from Brent. This is what I want.’
“She just looked at me. All the color left her face, and she looked so pained and deflated, as if I’d punched her in the stomach. Then she said, ‘What have I done? All I’ve ever tried to do is help.’ That was so hard. I just repeated, ‘This is what I want, Mom. Things have to change.’ Finally, she said, ‘I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life.’ I said, ‘That’s not what we’re talking about, Mom. We’re talking about a mature adult relationship between an adult daughter and an adult mother. I have a partner now. I know you wanted to have me as a partner all your life, but it’s not going to happen anymore.’
“She looked really surprised. Then she said, ‘Does this mean you don’t want me to see the kids?’ I said, ‘Of course not.’ It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I said, ‘Mom, I think it would be best if you gave me back the house key now.’ And both of us were crying as she pulled it off her key chain and handed it to me. She just said, ‘I should go now.’ It was awful. I have never felt guiltier in my life. . . . But something funny happened. I knew I had to tell Brent right away, and called him. He said, ‘Honey, I love you so much. I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do this.’ He sounded so relieved. And for the first time, I felt like we’d be okay on our own, as our own family. I know Mom is upset. But I feel strong enough now to handle it. After all, I’m married to Brent, not to her. And this could be just the push she needs to start making a life for herself that’s less focused on us.”
Now Stacy is putting into practice behavior that is bound to strengthen her, and her marriage.
Remember that it’s not possible to negotiate at all with a person who becomes enraged, irrational, verbally abusive, or aggressively critical. If your mother has responded combatively to the work you’ve done so far, she has closed off the negotiation option. If she is able to listen to you, but you’re worried about being able to deliver your message calmly and clearly, you can also send her a letter that follows the format I gave Stacy, first presenting the facts without accusation or apology and then listing your position statements. When in doubt, seek out the support of a therapist who can help you.
Kathy: “You need to acknowledge your role in my abuse.”
Kathy had reached the stage of her therapy when we were looking toward winding up. She had worked hard and done all her assignments and exercises. Her motivation to get better, and to heal the depression that was the legacy of her sexual abuse as a child, had paid off. She was quite different from the withdrawn, worried woman I first saw, and both her husband and children benefited from the changes in her.
KATHY: “There’s one thing I still need to do. I’ve stayed in touch with my mother by mail and an occasional phone call, but we never deal with the elephant in the living room. Now that I’m so much stronger I’d like to test the water and try one last time to see if we can salvage something out of the debris. I know she’s hurting, too, and has for years. We’ve never talked about the role she played in letting my father abuse me. Can I ask her to come here? Would you see us together?”
I told Kathy I thought it was a great idea, but I cautioned her to keep her expectations low. Her mother might refuse to come in—in which case she would be giving Kathy all the information she needed about whether a closer relationship was possible. Or she might come in and be very defensive and closed. Kathy said she felt able to handle those possibilities and wanted to go ahead.
She decided she would write to her mother, who lived in the Midwest, and before she mailed her letter, she made a copy for me. Here is an excerpt:
Dear Mom—
I’m almost ready to finish up therapy, and I’m at a point now where you could help me a great deal. I need you to come in for at least one session so we can see if we can salvage some of the good stuff that’s between us and get rid of a lot of the disturbing stuff so we can make our relationship better. I love you, Mom. I want us both to be well. Please come to California and we’ll have a “come to Jesus” meeting with my therapist. She’ll help us get back on track so we can both stop being victims. I need you to do that. And you need it more than you know. It’ll give you a chance to do something positive for me. I’ll be waiting to hear from you.
With hope,
Kathy
Kathy’s mother, Andrea, e-mailed her daughter and said she would come the following week, and when she arrived, Kathy drove her from the airport to my office.
Andrea was a well-groomed, nice-looking woman in her sixties, with a heavy air of sadness about her. She told me she was extremely anxious about what was going to happen, but she would do anything to help her daughter. I assured her this was not going to be a “Let’s beat up on Andrea” session, and I thanked her for coming in. Kathy and I had spent a session going over what she wanted to say until she felt prepared, and I asked her to start.
She talked openly about the sexual abuse and how angry she’d been for years at being unprotected, and she told her mother how much she needed her to acknowledge what had happened. She was brave, forthright, and clear in her expression of what she wanted and needed from her mother. This is part of what she said:
KATHY: “In a couple of unmailed letters I wrote in therapy, I expressed more anger at you for my grotesque childhood than I’ve ever expressed before. When you are abused continuously, you get very angry. Because there’s nothing to justify being emotionally or physically cruel to an innocent child. Just because I haven’t really expressed this anger toward you doesn’t mean it still isn’t there.
“The truth is that during and after all the horrible things my father did to me, you protected him. That makes you his accomplice. Somehow, I feel that you’ve always known that and felt guilty for it. I would feel guilty, too, if I were you. He’s the criminal, but he never paid for his crimes because you covered up and lied and stuck your head in the sand to protect him. And to protect yourself, too. Because if the situation were never confronted, you wouldn’t have to go through the embarrassment, as you put it, of answering for him.
“You were more concerned about being embarrassed than about protecting me. You never got to know me as a normal little girl. You didn’t make it possible for me to be one. You missed out on a lot, Mom, all because fear took up so much of your life. And I missed out on a normal childhood altogether.
“I want you to take responsibility for that, Mom. I have nothing but contempt for my father, but I think if you can take responsibility for your part, then you and I can go on from here. Because despite everything, I still love you, Mom. I want us both to get well.”
Andrea listened quietly, head down, and hands clutched in her lap. I told her I knew how hard this was for her and asked her what she wanted to say to her daughter.
ANDREA: “No matter what I say it will be inadequate after all the harm that has been done to you. At the time I thought I was protecting you as best I knew how, but I was so full of fear, and the disbelief that he could really be doing what he was doing, the uncertainty. I didn’t know what I should do. So I didn’t do anything. I . . . let him hurt you. The years came and went. . . . I never did claim to be a strong person. . . .
“I realize to my own disgust how I could be so easily manipulated. I guess my thinking was that it was so horrible and no one should know—how everyone would laugh. . . . But all I did was harm you. I can’t forgive myself for that. I’m so sorry, honey. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. Maybe I’m not making much sense. . . . I love you, Kathy. It’s a mother’s duty to protect her child, and I was so lacking. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. Please believe me when I say that. I don’t know if you can forgive me, honey. Letting him hurt you is the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I live with the guilt every day. It has left me with very little self-worth and very low self-respect. I’m so sorry. . . .”
By this time both Kathy and Andrea were crying, and I had teared up as well. Andrea had come through for her daughter at last by not simply saying “I was a bad mother” but by being specific about what she’d done, and taking responsibility for it. It was important for her, and especially for her daughter, that she reassured Kathy that she wasn’t responsible for the abuse she’d experienced. Andrea’s willingness to say those words helped to further free Kathy from lifelong doubts, and diminished the guilt she’d been carrying so long. Now it would be possible for the two of them to establish a relationship based on honesty. And they’d have to take it one small step at a time.
Over the years, I’ve often been surprised by which mothers come through for their daughters in sessions like Kathy’s. Sometimes it’s the mothers you’d least expect even to show up because they’ve been so consumed with guilt about their actions and so unwilling to go into that dark place to tell the truth. You won’t know until you ask.
If you were physically or sexually abused and want to see if a relationship with your mother is possible, it’s essential to do it with the help of a therapist. Your mother, like Kathy’s, has to take responsibility for what she did, and she has to get some therapy or go into therapy with you for a few sessions.
I want you to know that you can absolutely overcome the dark legacy of sexual abuse. I’ve helped literally hundreds of women (and men) with that trauma. With good, active therapy and compassionate support, it’s possible for you, too, no matter what your mother does. You may wind up with a closer relationship with her, and you very well may not. What’s important is that you will have done everything you can to have a compassionate, loving relationship with yourself.
Option 3: The Tea Party Relationship
If your mother has been resisting the way you’ve changed, or demonstrated that she’s not interested in meeting you even partway, one way to maintain contact without damaging your well-being is with what I call a tea party relationship. It’s entirely superficial. You don’t bring up anything that can give your mother an opportunity to hurt or criticize you, and you never make yourself vulnerable.
This is an option many daughters choose because it allows them to protect themselves while maintaining some kind of contact, and to orchestrate their interactions with their mothers with much less anguish than in the past. Sometimes, they decide, a safe, artificial relationship is better than no relationship at all.
Jan, whose mother alternately supported her blossoming acting career and chipped away at her confidence by criticizing, competing with her, and negatively comparing her with other women, had worked hard to connect with the “good mother” who sometimes appeared. (Our earlier sessions are in the narcissist chapter.) But no amount of boundary-setting could keep the inevitable criticism and comparisons away.
JAN: Things have gotten a little better, but Mom will always be Mom, I guess. She’s always got that verbal knife ready, and I never know when she’s going to stick it in me. When I tell her I’m no longer willing to accept her criticism, she looks at me, nods her head, says, ‘I understand’—and then she goes right back and does it again. I show her a great photo shoot from our set and all she can say is, ‘That’s nice, dear. And by the way, your hair would photograph so much better if it were a few shades lighter.’ Honestly, her mouth should be registered as a lethal weapon. But that’s just the way she is, and I don’t think she’s ever going to change.
“I know you’re going to say I have to stay away from her, but I’m just not ready to cut her out of my life altogether. She’s my mother. And I still have so many good memories of her. She can be pretty nice when she decides to be.”
I told Jan I understood her desire to stay in contact with her mother. But I strongly suggested that she pull back and limit how much she involved her in her life. “Don’t talk about parts you’re up for, or your hopes and dreams,” I told her. “Don’t invite her to anything professional that you’re doing—because you know how much she’ll compete for attention. Have a chatty, surface relationship where you talk about movies and books and the weather, and don’t open yourself up to the kind of clobbering you know you’re going to get if she needs to make herself better by one-upping you. You’re in a field that’s very tough on self-esteem, and the last thing you need is your mother making you feel insecure on top of that.”
You don’t need a therapist to help you navigate a “tea party relationship,” but you do need to keep your guard up and be fast on your feet. You’ll have to actively change the subject when it gets too close to sensitive territory—the topics you care most about, and the truths of your life that you know she’ll reflexively criticize rather than support. A relationship like this is a lot like fencing. She thrusts, you deflect, and you do a kind of choreographed dance designed to keep her at a safe distance.
If Jan’s mother called to say, “How are you? Are you working? Had any auditions?” it would be Jan’s job to change the subject by saying, “I’m fine, Mom. Did you see that great movie on HBO last night?” Because Jan’s mother was so narcissistic and competitive, it would be easy to get her to talk about herself.
If you choose this option, expect to be bombarded by “Why?” questions as you close off large swaths of your life from her:
• Why are you acting this way?
• Why can’t we talk anymore?
• Why won’t you share your life with me?
• Why are you so closed?
You can say:
• I’m just working through some things on my own right now. Mom, what have you been up to?
• I’m not ready to talk about that right now. Maybe later.
• I’m great, Mom. I want to hear about you.
To avoid your mother’s probes and deprive her of targets, you’ll need to weave and dodge and creatively bring up new topics, even when you’re feeling annoyed or off balance.
JAN: “I can see how tricky this can be. I thought talking about a movie I saw would be safe and neutral, but as soon as I brought it up, Mom said, ‘You should’ve been in that one. How come your lousy agent didn’t have you up for the part of the daughter?’ It brought me up short for a minute, but I regrouped and said, ‘By the way, I just read a book I think you’d like.’ I have to be on my toes all the time.”
This isn’t how most of us would prefer to behave with someone who’s supposed to love us, and it may seem very phony to you. But if you are either not ready or not willing to cut the emotional umbilical cord with an actively unloving mother who is not combative or overtly abusive, this is certainly an option. Because you’re being actively self-protective, it empowers you, and that changes the status quo. Don’t think that you are copping out if this option feels best to you. Many women are not willing to take the step of detaching from actively unloving mothers, and they’re relieved to find a middle ground that keeps their integrity intact. Sometimes, that can be your healthiest choice.