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abandonment:
emotional, 108–10, 159
fear of, 54
of unloving mother, 102, 179
abuse:
acknowledgment of mother’s role in, 233
behavior problems as response to, 109
blame shifted to victim of, 116–19, 127–28
establishing new normal relationship after, 233–38
mother’s failure to protect from, 3, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30, 233–37
as obstacle to new normal relationship, 225–26
self-blame for, 110
surfacing memories of, 161
therapy for mother and daughter in, 233–38
see also abusive mothers; physical abuse; sexual abuse; verbal abuse
abusive mothers, 3, 4, 22–23, 105–31, 264
as distant and cold, 106–7, 158
messages of, 149
in need and crisis, 254–61
roots of, 107–8
addiction, as obstacle to new normal relationship, 225
see also alcohol abuse; drug abuse
adolescence:
evolving independence in, 110–11
in healthy mother-daughter relationship, 54
as trigger for unloving mothers, 40–41, 43
adoration, narcissistic addiction to, 29–31
Adult Daughter’s Bill of Rights, 195, 209
alcohol abuse, 87
daughter as target in, 97–98
by daughters of alcoholic mothers, 100
isolation and, 99
by mother, 96–104, 169
by partner, 115
rebellion through, 85
support as essential in, 136
alcoholic mothers, 96–104
expressing desires and needs to, 169
anger, 142, 156, 161
in abusive relationship, 105
at alcoholic mothers, 98, 101
apologizing for, 123
behind grief, 172–79, 184
as catalyst for change, 85
confrontation of, 175–76
rol as root of, 70, 81–85
denial of, 174
and depression, 85
directed at self, 188–90
in healing, 136
living with and through, 184–85
in mother’s ballistic response to boundary-setting, 216–20
movies and tv shows as models for realistic view of, 187
nonjudgmental acknowledgment of, 186
physical activity as release for, 187–88
physical symptoms of, 186
as response to lost childhood, 104
in sexual abuse, 235
tapping the wisdom in, 171–91
toolbox for handling, 185–91
using visualization to manage, 188
see also rage
anorexia, 84
anxiety, 2, 15, 34–35, 37, 39, 116, 197, 203, 226, 247
assertiveness, 193
attention, as goal of narcissistic mothers, 27–29, 48–49
behavior:
defined, 193
making changes in, 50, 192–205, 212, 252
mother’s response to changed, 204
belittling, 16, 69, 73, 86
Bill of Rights, Adult Daughter’s, 195, 209
bingeing and purging, 84
blame:
for alcoholism, 102
for breaking off act, 249
misplaced, 25, 32, 35, 140, 172, 209, 214, 219, 227
in neglect, 105
of oneself, see self-blame
shifted to abuse victim, 116–19
bonding:
bondage vs., 52–56
healthy, 54, 266
lack of, 105
boundaries, boundary-setting, 190, 206–21
crisis as challenge to, 253–62
deciding on reasonable consequences in, 211–12
defined, 209
determining one’s own goals in, 208–9, 218
enmeshed mother’s lack of, 51–68, 213–14
expressing one’s own desires in, 209–10
four-step process for, 208–12
handling mother’s resistance to, 210–21, 222, 238–41
scripting for, 216, 218–20
breaking off contact, 102, 103, 122, 169, 226, 241, 242–52
handling family occasions after, 250
as last resort, 242–44
sense of finality in, 246
strategies for handling reactions of family and friends to, 248–52
strategies for informing mother in, 245–47
bulimia, 84
bullies, bullying, 78–81, 86, 159
burdensome messages, 148–49
burial, symbolic exercise of, 182–84
calming, techniques for, 182–83, 220
cancer diagnosis, in mother, 254–61
careers, 5, 258
as caretakers, 100–101
sabotaging of one’s own, 146
stymied, 34–35, 37–38, 142
caretakers:
as career choice, 100–101
daughters as, 87–104, 159, 172–79, 226–27
in mother’s illness, 253–62
Chaney, Lon, 29
childhood:
confronting memories of, 136, 184–85
control as appropriate for, 69
daughters deprived of, 88–90, 104, 143, 160, 182
isolation in, 16–17
“little adults” in, 88–90
roots of dysfunction in, 8
taking adult role in, 87–90, 93, 96–97, 102, 172, 226
violent, see physical abuse
children:
responsibility to, 103, 263
as targets of rage, 82–83
as trigger for memories of sexual abuse, 129
unwanted, 106–8
chores, 79, 104
college, leaving home for, 55
communication:
benefits of telephone in, 218–19
of decision to break off, 245–47
dialogue with inner child, 177–79, 181
empowering language in, 169
of false messages, 147–55
by letter, see letter writing, letters
nondefensive, see nondefensive communication
nonverbal, 68, 140, 147
verbal, 73, 147, 180
communication exercises, 136
competition:
emerging womanhood seen as, 38–42
by mother, 3, 21, 38–42, 148
by narcissists, 28–47, 168, 238–39
roots of, 43–44
confidence, 3, 6
building, 265
lack of, 2, 4, 142
conflict, avoidance of, 75
control:
as basis of sexual abuse, 123–26, 128
criticism as basis for, 73–74
in entrapment and bullying, 70–75
as expression of power, 84–85, 123–26
overt and direct, 69–70
and perfectionism, 75–81
rebellion as response to, 84–85
sadistic, 81–85, 161, 176–77
controlling mothers, 21, 69–86, 142, 159, 161, 176–77, 264
breaking off contact with, 242–52
conflict between partners and, 70–75, 217, 243–52
establishing new normal relationship with, 222, 225
expressing desires and needs to, 169
messages of, 148
roots of, 86
setting boundaries for, 217
counseling, see therapy
criminality, of sexual abuse, 126, 128
crisis:
as challenge to new normal relationship, 253–62
as opportunity for new relationship, 254, 257–58
critical mothers, 4, 21, 159, 264
expressing desires and needs to, 169
standing up to, 197–201, 209, 217, 222, 238–41, 252
criticism, 2, 3
of abused daughters, 116
of daughter’s partner, 70–75, 217, 243–52
as fountainhead for controlling mothers, 73–74
healthy response to, 32
inner commentary of, 39–40
narcissistic defense against, 29, 33, 35
by narcissists, 34, 36–38
and perfectionism, 75–81
programming through, 141
standing up to, 197–202
crying, 93, 136, 171, 173, 179, 190, 237, 269
daughters:
emerging womanhood of, 4, 38–41, 54–56
mother bond with, 5, 54, 266
responsibilities and rights of, 193–96
unloved, see unloved daughters
decision making, avoidance of, 75
defensiveness, as ineffective, 196–99, 205
deflection, 140
by narcissists, 27, 30–32
de Havilland, Olivia, 187
demeaning messages, 147–48, 197–98
denial, 4
of abuse, 112
in alcoholics, 102
of anger, 174
grief and, 191
by narcissists, 27, 30, 32–34
in sexual abuse, 126–28
“stuffing” as, 185
dependency, 26
on caretakers, 90–96
control and, 70
enmeshment and, 56–62
on sexual abusers, 124–25, 128
dependent mothers, 22, 87–104, 159, 172, 174–76, 264
alcohol and drug abuse by, 96–104
as childlike, 102–3
depression in, 94–104
establishing new normal relationship with, 226–29
in old age, sickness, or isolation, 253–62
depression:
anger and, 85
in daughters, 2, 16, 90, 96
in dependency, 94–104
as illness, 94–96
in mothers, 4, 22, 87, 142, 144, 226–29
as obstacle to new normal relationship, 225
sexual abuse and, 125, 129, 233
treatment for, 136, 228
deprivation, 5
derision, 73
devotion, of enmeshed mothers, 54
discipline, 265
disloyalty, 17, 159
dismissal, 32
distant mothers, 4, 106–7, 158
expressing desires and needs to, 168
divorce, 93, 128
of daughters, 62, 115
of mothers, 65
from one’s own mother, 251
drama queens, 27–31, 33, 48
drug abuse:
by daughters of addicted mothers, 99–101
dependency and, 96–104
in mothers, 22, 87, 96–104
rebellion through, 85
support as essential for, 136
duty, false messages of, 149
eating disorders, 84–85
embarrassment, 129, 142, 236
emotional boundaries, 207
emotions:
in breaking off contact, 246, 251
confronting, 171–91
false beliefs as basis for, 141–43
intellect vs., 19, 162
internalization of, 136, 146, 173–74
in line with new behavior, 201–3
painful, acknowledging of, 156–70
empathy, lack of, 20, 26–27, 128, 264
empowerment:
through asserting one’s own rights and responsibilities, 193–96
boundary-setting as, 214, 219, 224
in exorcising guilt, 248
through expressing desires and needs, 167–69, 206–7
through expression of anger, 176–77
in face of crisis, 261–62
language of, 169
in tea party relationships, 241
emptiness, 4
of enmeshed mothers, 55
as root of narcissism, 43–44
empty chair scenario, 175
empty nest syndrome, 55
endorphins, 187–88
enmeshed mothers, 21, 51–68
bondage vs. bonding of, 52–56
breaking off contact with, 242
establishing new normal relationship with, 223–25, 229–33
expressing desires and needs to, 168
messages of, 149
separation as betrayal of, 55–56
standing up to, 202–5
enmeshment:
dependency and, 56–62
guilt and, 59, 64, 66–68
and marital dysfunction, 52–53, 56–60, 229–33
overt control vs., 69–70
ritual and, 66
as two-way street, 67–68
false beliefs:
acceptance of, 142–43
in career, 146
demeaning, 147–48
internalizing of, 141–55
as lies, 151
in love, 145–46
nonverbal communication of, 147–55
obstacles to challenging, 144–45
recognizing, 139–55
separating truth from, 151–55
family, relatives:
abuse by, 22, 110, 124
of choice vs. blood, 251
destructive, 112–13
jealousy within, 46–47
in response to breaking off contact, 246–52
in role of good mother, 263
seeking validation from, 14, 15–17
strategies for handling reactions of, 248–52
family occasions, after breaking off contact, 250
fathers:
angry, 92
distant and uninvolved, 72, 73
dysfunctional, 5, 16
informing of break off, 250
physical abuse by, 110, 112–13, 116–19
replicated in partner, 115
sexual abuse by, 110, 123–30, 233–38
fear, 105, 113, 156, 197
of abandonment, 54, 68
of abuse, 113
in allowing abuse, 110
bonding by, 66
in breaking off contact, 246
in enmeshment, 67–68
of facing truth, 17
grief and, 190–91
of replicating mother’s unloving behavior, 1–2, 77, 264, 265
fight-or-flight response, 81
“fixer-uppers,” 90–96, 172
forgiveness, of self, 189–90
freedom, rebellion vs., 85
friends:
as catalyst for change, 75
intervention by, 85
isolation from, 15–17
narcissists’ co-opting of, 41
in role of good mother, 263
seeking validation from, 14, 15–17
strategies for handling reactions of, 248–52
Gaslight, 34
gaslighting, 34
gifts:
rejected, 49
strings attached to, 45, 47, 56–62
goals, sabotaging of one’s own, 146–47
Good Mother Exercise, 266–67
good mothers:
becoming, 263–70
criteria for, 3
learning through observation of, 264–67
grief:
of abuse victims, 123
anger and, 172–79, 184
in breaking off contact, 252
in healing, 136, 171–91
living with and through, 184–85, 190–91
tapping the wisdom in, 171–91
toolbox for handling, 185–91
triggers for, 190
guilt:
in abuse, 110, 124
in breaking off contact, 246–48, 251, 252
in caretakers, 102
and control, 75
in creating and maintaining boundaries, 207, 221, 224, 233
and enmeshment, 59, 64, 66–68
for failure to protect daughter, 235–37
“monster” exercise to exorcise, 247–48
in narcissistic relationship, 46
overcoming, 158–59, 172, 192
self-destructive behavior and, 85
of unloved daughters, 18, 142
healing:
acknowledging painful emotions in, 156–70
avoiding regression in, 253–54
becoming a good mother through, 263–70
being prepared for, 135–38
breaking off contact with mother in, 242–52
challenging false beliefs in, 139–55
changing behavior in, 192–205
confronting anger and grief in, 171–91
distinguishing oneself from mother in, 264
exercises in, 135–36, 151–55, 180, 182–83, 188, 191, 247–48, 267
expressing desires and needs in, 167–69
fulfilling one’s own needs in, 261–62
immense benefits of, 253
letter writing as, 157–70
life skills for, 192–205
new relationship with mothers in, see new normal relationship
perseverance and patience in, 215–16, 222
setting boundaries in, see boundaries, boundary-setting
taking time in, 136, 156, 164, 172
working on one’s own in, 136, 172
Heiress, The, 187
helium balloons, 154–55
helplessness, 113
“hungry ghosts,” 43
“I am” statements, 140–41, 152–54
“I attack/you defend” cycle, 196
“I felt” statements, 162–63
“if only” messages, 109, 150–51, 184, 244
illness, in unloving mother, 253–62
inadequacy, sense of, 4, 90, 142, 198, 244
incest, 110, 123–30
independence:
bonding and, 54
through healing, 253
as healthy goal, 60, 143
transition to, 55–56, 69–70, 110–11, 139
insanity, defined, 227
insecurity, 142
of narcissists, 24, 26, 29, 31–32
internalization:
of destructive messages, 140–56
of emotions, 173–74
of rejection, 17–19
invisibility, of abused daughters, 106–9
isolation, 15–17
in abuse, 113, 118, 138
from partner, 106
of unloving mother, 253–62
jealousy:
encouraging of, 46–47
in sexual abuse, 128
judgment, doubting of one’s own, 73
language:
defensive, 196–99
empowering, 169
learning disabilities, overprotection and, 59–60
letter writing, letters:
in breaking off contact, 245–46, 250–51
expressing desires and needs in, 167–69, 243
four-part structure of, 157–70
handwritten, 157, 245
in healing, 2–7, 135, 157–70
to involve mother in therapy, 234–35
to one’s own inner child, 258–69
position statement through, 233
reading aloud, 165, 170, 173, 177
tapping memories and emotion through, 156–70, 171, 173
unmailed, 157, 235
Lies and Truth exercise, 151, 180
“little adults,” 88–90, 93
loss:
in breaking off contact, 246
of childhood, 88–90, 104, 143, 160, 182
in unloved daughters, 5, 18
love:
defined, 3, 143
doubting one’s own ability to, 5
enmeshed mother’s rules of, 64–67
genuine, 253, 267, 269–70
models for, 267–70
of mothers, see mother love
pity vs., 90
rescue vs., 90, 96
lying, lies:
burning of, 154
in dysfunctional marriages, 92
exercise for challenging, 151–55
by narcissists, 32–34
self-blame as, 180
separating truth from, 151–55
see also false beliefs
marriages:
abusive, 112
of controlling mothers, 72, 73
daughters’, dependent mothers in, 97
daughters’, enmeshed mothers in, 52–53, 56–60, 229–33
of dependent mothers, 92–93
dysfunction in, 5, 17, 27, 60–61, 72, 86
of enmeshed mothers, 53
maternal instinct, 13
maternal responsibility:
abdication of, 87–88, 94, 104
mandate for, 94–96
memories, remembering:
accessing and confronting, 136, 157–66, 184–85
of being loved, 267–70
reliving vs., 166
memory exercise, 267–68
mental illness, in abusers, 119
messages, communication of false, 147–55
mommy blogs, 266
“monster” exercise, 247–48
“mother gene,” 265
motherhood, 5
as entire definition of enmeshed mothers, 54–55
mythical version of, 13–14, 19, 20, 182–84, 244
mothering of mothers, 87–104
checklists to identify, 88–89
see also role reversal, mother-daughter
mother love:
cost of missing, 4
enmeshment vs., 57, 64–67
Freudian tradition of, 13
of good mothers, 3, 65, 263–70
myth of, 13–14, 19, 20, 182–84, 244
taboo of questioning, 13–23, 247
mothers:
healthy behavior of, 43, 54, 60, 65, 69, 127, 128, 139, 140–41, 263–70
unloved daughters as, 52, 68, 103, 110–12, 115–16, 120–23, 125, 263–70
see also unloving mothers; specific types
Mothers Without Borders, enmeshed mothers as, 51
mother wound:
healing of, 9–10, 139–262
identifying of, 13–138
Mummy’s Tomb, The, 29
narcissism:
defined, 24
exalted expectations in, 36–37
roots of, 24, 26, 29, 31–32, 37, 43–44, 47
spectrum of, 25–27
narcissistic mothers, 21, 24–50, 159
ambivalence of, 44–46
establishing of new normal relationship with, 225
expressing desires and needs to, 168
“good mother”–“bad mother” scenario in, 38–47
as impossible to please, 48–49
messages of, 142, 148
new normal relationship with, 238–41
standing up to, 197–201, 204
Three D’s of, 27–38
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), 26–27, 49–50
narcissistic rage, 34–38
Narcissus, 24
National Geographic, 247
neediness, 62–64, 68
neglect:
as failure to protect, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30, 233–37
by mothers, 2–3, 4, 105, 159, 264, 265
negotiation, for new normal relationship, 225–38
new normal relationship:
breaking off contact with mother in, 242–52
four options for, 222–41, 242–52
hopefulness for success in, 225, 229, 237–38
meeting challenge of crisis in, 253
mother’s rejection of, 244, 247
negotiating for, 225–38, 243
obstacles to, 224–25
superficial, see tea party relationship
using new skills to reinforce, 223–25
nondefensive communication, 195–205, 206, 211, 215, 218
in breaking off contact, 243, 245, 249–50
lists of expressions for, 200–201, 210
in negotiation, 226
obligation, creating a sense of, 56–62, 66
old age, unloving mother in, 253–54
overprotectiveness, 59–60, 110–12, 115–16
panic attacks, 197
paranoia, narcissism and, 49
partners:
of alcoholic mothers, 98
as catalyst for change, 75
critical, 76–78
dangerous and violent, 104, 110, 114–15
daughters’, enmeshed mothers’ competition with, 52–53, 61–62, 229–33
daughters as replacement for, 65
dysfunction in relationships with, 2, 27, 142, 158, 265
falling for “fixer-uppers” as, 90–96, 172
maternal pattern repeated in, 106
sabotaging of love for, 145–46
seeking validation from, 14
supportive, 129, 170, 263
as target of controlling mothers, 70–75, 217, 243–52
see also marriages
passive-aggressive behavior, 32, 34
passivity, 80, 151, 208
in allowing abuse, 110
people-pleasing, 75, 86, 176, 253
perfectionism, 163
impossible standards of, 3, 76–81, 86, 195
physical abuse, 17, 22, 159
by father, 110, 112–13, 116–19
by mother, 119–23
mother’s failure to protect daughter from, 110
therapy as essential in treating, 136, 159, 226, 237
physical activity:
as release for anger, 187–88
as release for grief, 191
physical boundaries, 207
playground, observation at, 266
position statements:
expressing desires through, 209–10, 212, 223, 231, 243
practicing, 212–16, 218
privacy, disrespect of, 58, 62–65
programming, 139–40
cycle of, 142–44
internalizing destructive messages through, 140–47
protection:
mother’s failure to provide, 3, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30
smothering vs., 265
punishment, 81, 264
rage:
in abuse, 119–23
in healing, 171–72
of narcissists, 34–38
as response to control, 81–85
strategies for controlling one’s own, 120–23
rationalization, for unloving mothers, 9, 16, 18–19
rebellion, as response to control, 84–85
rejection, internalizing of, 17–19
reparenting, 268–70
repetition compulsion, 90, 96, 101
rescue, 90, 96, 103
resentment:
control and, 70
neglect and, 105
respect:
in confronting mother, 231
right to, 209, 263
responsibilities:
in crisis situations, 260–61
of daughters, 193–96, 207
ridicule, 73–74
rights, of daughters, 192, 193–96, 206, 209, 222
rituals, healthy vs. unhealthy, 66
rivalry, see competition
role-playing, in healing, 135, 199–200, 202–4
role reversal, mother-daughter, 22, 87–90, 93, 96–97, 102, 149, 172, 226
sadness:
in breaking off contact, 246
dissipation of, 268
in healing confrontation, 179, 181–82
as response to lost childhood, 104, 182
of unloved daughters, 4, 18, 101, 142
see also depression; grief
safety, 3
lack of, 198
school, 80
scripting, 216, 218–20, 230
secrecy, 17, 99, 103
in sexual abuse, 126, 130
seduction, by narcissists, 41, 43
self-blame:
for abuse, 110
anger at self as, 188–90
overcoming, 158, 179, 180–84, 192
in unloved daughters, 4, 19, 137, 139–55
self-centeredness, 20
as common to all unloving mothers, 105
in narcissism, 24–27, 29
self-confidence, lack of, 38
self-defeating behavior:
acknowledging painful emotions in, 156–70
false beliefs as origin of, 142–55
self-destructiveness, rebellion as, 84–85
self-doubt, 14, 18, 73
as basis of narcissism, 24
in breaking off contact, 246, 251
self-esteem, lack of, 26, 96
self-forgiveness, 189–90
self-image:
damaged by abuse, 116–19
distorted, 18, 118, 140
self-interest, in allowing abuse, 110
self-love, 25
self-recrimination, 188–90
self-respect, 3, 6, 124, 237, 251
self-soothing, 266–70
self-worth, lack of, 109, 114, 237
sex, rebellion through, 85
sexual abuse:
breaking the taboo of, 130–31
memories in legacy of, 128–30
mother as complicit in, 123–30
mother’s failure to protect daughter from, 110, 123–24, 127–30, 233–38
roots of, 123–26
spectrum of, 126
strategy for healing, 130
therapy as essential in treating, 125, 136, 226, 237
triggering memories of, 129
shame:
overcoming, 158, 172, 192
and self-blame, 180–81
sense of, 17, 18, 73, 81, 90, 99, 142
in sexual abuse, 123
shyness, 15
siblings:
caring for, 104
informing of break off to, 250
rivalry among, 47
single mothers, 3, 62
smothering, 4, 21, 149
protecting vs., 265
“stuff and erupt” pattern, 185–86
suicide, contemplation of, 85
support groups, 115, 136
support systems, 156, 157, 170, 263
in breaking off contact, 249, 250–52
in dealing with mother’s illness, 255–60
for mothers, 266–67
tea party relationship, 238–41, 243, 255
distancing techniques for, 239–41, 242
as superficial, 238, 242
telephone:
avoiding use of, 245
benefits of, 218–19
intrusive calls on, 55–56
“terrible twos,” 54
therapists, 171, 239
guidelines for choosing, 127
in negotiating new normal relationship, 226, 233
therapy:
in breaking off contact with mother, 243, 252
as essential in treating abuse, 125, 136, 226, 233–38
group, 118–19
in healing, 136–37, 157, 170, 263
for mothers, 228–29, 237, 243
narcissists’ lack of response to, 49–50
Three D’s of incest (damaged, dirty, and different), 128
Three D’s of narcissism (drama, deflection, denial), 27–38
Toxic Parents (Forward), 5
trauma:
in abusive mothers, 107
of emotional abandonment, 110
trust:
abuse and issues with, 113–16, 126
of self, 265
12–step programs, 136
unconscious mind:
accessing memories from, 136, 157–66, 184–85
programming and, 144–45
reprogramming of, 184, 258
unloved daughters:
changing behavior of, 50, 192–205
as critical perfectionists, 76–81
desire to please in, 48–50
dismissiveness toward, 58, 65, 70, 75, 88, 137, 198
as doormats, 73–75
healing of, see healing
as invisible, 106–9
longing for closeness of, 46, 257–58
as mothers, 52, 68, 103, 110–12, 115–16, 120–23, 125, 263–70
needs and desires of, 206, 256, 258, 261
pitfalls faced by, 14
programming of, 139–40
rationalization by, 9, 16, 18–19, 93–94
rebellion in, 84–85
replicating of dysfunctional patterns by, 1–2, 22–23, 70, 77–79, 121, 191, 264
in responsibility to mother in crisis, 253–62
rights of, 192, 193–96, 206
as scapegoats, 108
self-blame by, 4, 19, 110, 138–55, 158, 179, 180–84, 192
vulnerability of, 86, 177–78
unloving mothers:
as abusers, 119–23
acknowledging responsibility of, 135–36
checklist for determining effect of, 7–8
checklist for identifying, 6–7
criteria for, 3
cutting ties to, see breaking off contact
defending of, 3, 14
and effect on daughter’s life choices, 164–66
facing mortality of, 255
family advocacy for, 249–50
five types of, 8–9, 20–22; see also specific types
in illness, 253–62
legacy of, 2, 6, 8, 22–23, 50
in loneliness and isolation, 253–62
minimizing of, 3, 17, 159
in need and crisis, 253–62
new and changed relationship with, see new normal relationship
in old age, 253–54
rationalization for, 9, 16, 18–19, 93–94, 140
in refusal to get help, 228
repeating pattern of, 1–2, 22–23, 70, 77–79, 121, 191, 264
reshaping relationship with, 6, 192–205
root causes of, 20, 24, 26, 29, 31–32, 37, 43–44, 47, 86, 107
setting boundaries for, 206–21
validation:
denial of, 33
seeking of, 15–17, 95, 182
verbal abuse, 17, 209, 217, 220
violation, sense of, 123, 126
visualization:
in healing, 135
in managing anger, 188
in managing grief, 191
in memory exercise, 267–68
volition, lack of, 74–75
weight gain, 46, 128–29
widows, 65
worry, in creating negative expectations, 111–12
worthlessness, sense of, 36–38
yelling, ineffectiveness of, 186, 218
“you are” statements, 140–41, 152–54