In the chapters that follow, you’ll see the highly effective techniques—role-playing, letter writing, visualizations, and powerful exercises—I used to take many of the women you have met in this book from their bewilderment, hurt, and anger to the freeing realization that the pain and confusion they felt with their mothers wasn’t their fault.
As you follow along, and do some of the exercises yourself, you, too, will come to know that you are not responsible for your mother’s unloving behavior. There was nothing about you that deserved to be emotionally abandoned or smothered or abused or bullied or used to build your mother up while grinding you down. You deserved to be loved, and your mother didn’t or couldn’t give you the warmth, safety, support, and feeling of being cherished that you needed so much. Some of our work in these chapters will be aimed at helping you accept that truth at the deepest levels of your being. Before you can heal—and make sound decisions about how to handle your relationship with your mother—your head, your gut, and your heart must all fully acknowledge what happened to you.
I know from personal experience, as well as from my clients and the letters and e-mails I receive, how much that acknowledgment hurts. But once you have the courage to accept the truth, you can free yourself from the wounds of inadequate mothering. Go at your own pace. Read a little of this book and then take the time to let what you’ve read sink in before going on. Don’t try to stuff your feelings. You will probably cry a lot—and that’s fine. Grief and anger are a natural, necessary part of this process. Remember, tears are like rivers that start in one place and flow to another—they can help carry you to healing.
Please keep in mind that the exercises in these chapters are not intended to replace in-person work with therapists, support groups, or 12-step programs. If you experienced physical or sexual abuse growing up, it is imperative that you get professional help. If you are currently using drugs or alcohol to ease your pain, you need to join a 12-step program or work with an addiction specialist and be sure that you have at least three months of sobriety before taking on the work in this book. In the early stages of recovery, you are extremely vulnerable, and your emotions are very raw. Delving into difficult memories of your childhood at that point could cause you to slip back into old patterns of substance abuse. Also, if you are or have been struggling with depression, you need to know there are many ways of treating it now. It’s vital to know that you are not alone.
We’ll begin in the cool, cognitive realm of the head before getting to the work we’ll do with the heart. A healthy person is able to think and feel, and I’ll help you balance both. If you don’t fall into the categories I described above, you certainly can do some of this work on your own; the communication exercises in particular are safe for most anyone, and they’re highly transformative. But remember that you’ll get the greatest benefit by using this part of the book in conjunction with professional support.
You will be dealing with feelings that can be overwhelming, and it’s important that you have someone to turn to as you embark on this journey. If you’re in therapy or plan to be, you may want to take this book with you to your sessions and do some of this work in that setting. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek out the help you need. Remember, too, that you can return to these pages again and again for guidance, validation, and support.
Some Guidelines for Choosing a Good Therapist
If you decide that you’d like the help of a therapist, be sure that the person you’re going to work with is comfortable and experienced in dealing with unhealthy families and the damage they do. If your relationship with your mother has been painful and scarring, you need a therapist who isn’t afraid of diving into the muck with you so that you can come out stronger and healthier.
Please don’t stay with a therapist who hears your history and says things like:
• That’s all in the past—you need to move on.
• Let’s just deal with the here and now.
• You need to cut your mother some slack. She had problems, too.
• You don’t want to spend your life feeling sorry for yourself.
• You need to forgive and forget and get on with your life.
All of these comments are dismissive, and they discount your feelings and experience. Working with a person who approaches your past that way will only confuse and frustrate you, further reinforcing the self-blame you may already feel. (“Why am I being such a baby?” “Why can’t I get over this?”) Look for a therapist who works actively with you instead of just sitting back and saying, “Uh-huh” or “How do you feel about that?” You want a person who gives you feedback and actively engages with you. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel comfortable, safe, or truly heard when you’re with a therapist, he or she is not the person for you.
Be Gentle—There’s No Rush
Be very kind to yourself, and during the time you’re using this part of the book, give yourself extra time to write, walk, think, and rest. Your emotions may be volatile and heightened as you work with the material in some of these chapters, so don’t make any major decisions until you are calmer and able to think clearly and rationally. If you are having problems in a love relationship and are confused about whether you want to salvage it, don’t make any impulsive moves until you have worked on the situation with your mother.
I can’t promise you that simply reading these chapters will magically change your life and heal the damage that came from your mother’s unloving behavior—that would be irresponsible of me. What I can promise is that if you use the strategies I will teach you, your pain and confusion will lessen. You will be able to see both yourself and your mother in a new, true light. That vital clarity will provide a platform from which you can make healthy decisions about your relationship with her, and rebuild your life.