Mom spent ten minutes justifying the early dinnertime, as if Rachel hadn’t started eating dinner at five thirty from the time Hannah started solid foods. She grinned, wondering if her nephew or her sister’s schedule would triumph. “It’s fine, Mom. We’re as happy to eat now. I’d have to give Hannah Banana a snack otherwise.”
She kept grinning. She’d felt bubbly all day, planning to make her announcement over dinner. She’d told them already about Theo, leaving out Ron’s stealing and Sergei’s quitting. After Mom looked up Elixir’s website and followed the links to some of the good reviews, she’d smoothed her hand down Rachel’s hair, fluffing it a bit and telling her he seemed like a nice companion.
So: that was good groundwork. And after Blythe let Hannah explore her abdomen during the baby shower, she knew her girl was ready to adapt to the idea of a sibling. Back in spring, her daycare friend Rishi’s brother was born, which put Hannah on a campaign for a baby of her own. She’d settled down about it after a while, but Rachel was ready to answer her girl’s many thousands of questions once she shared the news. She’d even picked up a couple of picture books that afternoon, while filling the time until her parents returned from their jobs.
All this groundwork, and Blythe and Jason wanting to eat so conveniently early. She was glad she hadn’t shared the news that first night, when she was tired from the road and everyone was focused on the shower. Now no one could accuse her of creating drama and stealing focus from Blythe.
She showed them all the photos from Santa’s Workshop, and everyone admired the ornament Hannah, for whatever inexplicable reason, picked out to be her treasure. It was a cow wearing a quilt, but who was she to question her daughter’s passions?
“We’ll have to take the baby up for his first picture with Santa,” Mom said. “Grandparents get free admission, isn’t that so nice?”
Rachel closed out the photo app on her phone.
“He’d freeze his little nose off waiting in line.”
Mom got misty. “Oh, Blythe, but imagine it, him wearing that cute snowsuit from Jason’s brother?”
Dad laughed. “Does your brother think he’ll be skiing before he can walk?”
Jason shrugged. “We almost were, ourselves. But we could at least stand up first. I think lessons won’t start until next winter.”
“Baby’s first ski lesson. You have to send me video of that, when it happens,” Rachel said.
“That reminds me, I need to get a new phone with more memory.”
Before Mom and Dad started one of their technology debates, Rachel cleared her throat. The bubbles still elevated her, no matter how off the track of her own life things got. The four of them were used to dinners together. Of course they had patterns to sink into, even when Rachel and Hannah visited. “I was thinking. Maybe you all could come down to Houston for Easter.”
Blythe and Jason exchanged a baffled look, and Dad said, “Easter?”
“Well.” She grinned again. “It could be really special. Because, the thing is, Blythe, by Easter? Your son will have a new baby cousin. How sweet would that be? If they can share their first Easter together?”
Everyone but Hannah stared at her. The saccharine cheer of her announcement soured on her tongue. Looking to be handed praise again. As always. Because Mom was right all those years; it was almost impossible for her to learn.
Blythe’s hands rested on her pregnant belly. “Oh. Well. I’m supposed to be back full time by then. I’ll need to check if we can take the time to go all that way. But maybe.” She tugged at her left ear, and Rachel couldn’t guess if she was fidgeting or passing along their long-ago warning to be quiet until Mom had her say.
“A cousin. I mean, another cousin. Nice.” Jason nodded at Hannah, like Rachel might have forgotten the existence of her own child.
She smiled at him, because she was at the point of collecting any scrap of approval from anyone in the room.
Mom said, “You’ve gone and gotten pregnant again?”
“Jason, I’ve been meaning to ask you about this mole on my back. You mind coming to take a look at it?” Dad left the table without waiting for an answer. Maybe the way Jason kissed Blythe’s temple and followed was another part of the shorthand these four had from all their meals together.
She licked her lips. Took a sip of water. “I—Theo and I both—we’re excited about it.”
“You barely know the man.”
“I know, Mom. But he’s such a good soul. You’ll like him, I’m sure. And we know we love each other.”
“Like you loved Sergei?”
Blythe spoke up. “Mom, she was so young then. I’m sure she’s smarter about relationships now.”
“I am. I am so much smarter.” She didn’t trip once over the words. All those times Theo praised her cleverness must have worn a smoother pathway through her brain, allowing her to own her worth. Well enough to proclaim it to her mom and sister, anyway.
“Well, Rachel.” Mom’s fingers knotted together. “It’s good you feel that way. But it’s still a big step for people who just met.”
She helped Hannah to the floor. “Go find Grandpa and Uncle Jason.”
“It’s almost like you planned it as soon as I told you about my baby.” Blythe said.
She would not add rolling eyes to the list of everything else her mom was tallying up about her wrongness. “I didn’t even know Theo back then. And this was very much unplanned.”
“Well, Rachel. You don’t have to just let this happen to you, you know. We could even schedule something for while you’re here, so Dad and I can help out with Hannah while you recover.”
Blythe’s hands rubbed at her abdomen, and Rachel found herself mimicking the action. “Mom. We talked about it. That’s not our choice.”
“Well, did you, though? Because this is a big deal, Rachel. You’re barely getting by with one child. And I’m sure your Theo is all you claim, just lovely as can be, but you can’t expect him to stick by you forever when you haven’t even known him half a year. There’s no shame in terminating. If he’s as nice as you claim, he might stay with you afterwards long enough for you to make a baby on purpose.”
Red and bright and sharp color shards plunged around behind her eyelids. Rachel kept the tears at bay, but her jaw was stiff when she spoke. “I know there’s no shame in termination. I’m pro-choice. We both are.”
“I didn’t know that. All those years living in Texas.”
“Dad lived there longer than I have.”
“But he got out. You were there all those impressionable young adult years. Living in that state changed you, Rachel.”
“Mom, maybe—”
“No, you know what?” She interrupted Blythe, but also tugged on her right earlobe, in apology, in case her sister still had any attachment to their old code. “You’re right that Texas changed me. Or that I changed after I moved there. After you and Dad sent me there, two suitcases and a backpack, and suddenly I had to make friends with people whose parents grew up with each other. I had to figure out the rhythms of Aunt Johnston’s house, and learn to trust her when she told me my problems with school weren’t the whole measure of me. I left here thinking I wasn’t worth a penny to anyone, and in Texas I found out that’s not true. I have value. Not just because I got myself through school and college and have those degrees you never thought I could manage. I matter, Mom. I’m good at my job, and I’m a kind, supportive friend, and most of all? The thing I’m most proud of, what I know I’m doing so well, or trying to do so well, every single day? And you never say it. I don’t know if you can’t see it or if you don’t mention it because you forgot years ago how to compliment me. But I am a great mama to your granddaughter. That girl and I aren’t ‘barely getting by.’ We are thriving.”
They were in the middle of singing about the wheels on the bus when her own tires stopped going round and round. Rachel coasted onto the shoulder and set the parking brake before, one slow peel at a time, lifting her fingers from their grip on the steering wheel.
Hannah continued with the song, unperturbed by calculations of how much further to Plainview, and why hadn’t she let Aunt Johnston know they’d fled Colorado early, and what blight hit this stretch of the freeway and killed all the shade trees?
The engine wasn’t cranking at all, and the car’s interior grew toastier by the second. She called Aunt J’s house but got the machine. Her cell went to voice mail, and not once in her dozen years of deigning to own a cell phone had Aunt Johnston figured out to check her voice mail.
And Hannah said, “Mama, it’s peepee time.”
Because of course it was.
The tow truck arrived while she was teaching her daughter to squat in the great outdoors. Rachel wanted a shower. And a nap. She tried not to act helpless and relieved as the driver, Kari, latched the car seat into her cab. But Kari picked up on some level of her distress. She offered to drop them at Aunt Johnston’s house on the way to the mechanic. Turned out she knew one of Aunt’s neighbors, so she caught her up on the local drama: the man spray-painted all the gnomes in the garden across the yard. Not some teen prank. The vandal was fifty-eight years old and he’d coated each gnome with a different color. “Used drop cloths and everything, said he didn’t want to ruin Thelma’s grass.”
“Courtship ritual?”
Kari’s laugh was sarcastic. “Boneheaded one.”
“You got that right.”
“When I was in, I don’t know, second grade? Kid in my class kept poking my back with the eraser end of his pencil. Swear to god, though it sounds like a euphemism now. Mom told me to take it as a compliment cause it meant he had a crush on me. Imagine the message there. Acting like a prick is supposed to flatter a girl.”
“I think I met that guy in high school.”
“Hon, we all met in that guy in high school.”
She laughed, but. Yeah. The amazing thing was, her newfound ability to laugh about it.
“Thanks for the lift. It was good to meet you.”
“No worries. All in a day’s work. You got Ray’s number for the car?”
She nodded and sent Hannah up to tackle her beloved porch swing while they unloaded all her gear. Still no answer from Aunt. After settling Hannah down, she called Theo. They’d talked during the morning’s drive, so she could decompress and update him about her change in plans. It settled her, hearing his voice and knowing the worst of her trip was behind her.
“Hey, you make it to Plainview?”
“Almost.”
“What happened? Are you okay? Hannah?”
“No worries; we’re both fine. The little one, too.” She cradled a hand over the tiny bump of their baby. “We’re at my aunt’s house waiting on her to come home. She’s in for a surprise. My car died just outside town—tow truck driver gave me a lift. I think it’s the timing belt.”
“Rachel, hell. You’re terrifying me.”
“We’re fine, I swear. It’s just car trouble. And I left so darn early this morning I even made it here before nap time. I’ll lay down with her in a bit. I wanted to let you know what’s happening. Anyway, Evan, that’s Natalie’s fiancé, remember? He’s getting a new car next weekend and is going to give me a good deal on his old one, so I only have to get us back home. If the mechanic can’t fix this cheap we’ll take the bus.”
“If the timing belt’s gone it’ll cost more to repair than it’s worth.”
“I know, Mr. Mechanical-All-the-Sudden.”
“I looked it up.”
“Just now?” She laughed. “Of course you did.”
“Hey. I like looking things up.”
“I know. It’s cute. Anyhow I’ll have the real expert give me an opinion soon and let you know what we’re doing.”
“I’ll come get you.”
“Theo. You’re with your family.”
“Rachel. You’re my family, too.”
She dropped. Just landed on the sofa like she’d meant it. How did he always find casual phrases to shatter her to her core like that?
“We can fuss about it later. It might be something simple. Okay, listen, Aunt is here, talk to you soon.”
“Bye, love.”
“Bye.”
She kept staring at her phone until Aunt Johnston walked in. “Doodlebug, what’s happened? I didn’t expect you till Sunday. Are y’all okay? Where’s your car?”
She lifted a finger to hush her aunt, tilting her head to the back room where Hannah napped. “I’m pregnant.”
And then she curled up in Aunt Johnston’s lap and sobbed.
“Rachel. Oh baby girl, it’s okay. We can sort it out. It’s fine now, you hush. Don’t let those hormones get the best of you, come on. Good strong breaths. That’s my girl. Well, now. I’m going to make you some tea, and you just sit here a minute for me.”
Oh, hell. She wiped at her face, realized her hands weren’t absorbent enough, and shut herself in the bathroom to clean up. When she emerged, Aunt J had tea and an afghan waiting for her. So many comforting memories started out that way. It all helped settle her into a peaceful state.
She explained about the car and then told her about Theo, the baby, everything.
“Well, you’ve always been my busy bee. Okay, now. I can’t say I’m not a tad worried about if you’re forcing your own hand here, going forward with this, but the man sounds a thousand times better than that ex of yours.”
“So much more than a thousand. I’m not the numbers person you are ... I don’t know if I can explain it. The way he’s always standing beside me, and thinking about what’s most important for me. Not all high-handed, I mean, but thoughtful. And I can disagree with him. He doesn’t shut me down, or make me feel small.”
“Doodlebug.”
She ran a mental eye over what she’d said. Blew her nose. “Maybe I never told you everything about my marriage.”
Aunt smacked a kiss on her cheek. “You think not?”
“Well, we can talk about it if you want. But listen, I’ve had lots of counseling and space since then. It’s mostly in the past. Not just because of Theo. Except one thing I really think is him.”
“What’s that, then?”
She found herself gripping her aunt’s hand. “This hit me on the drive today. I was so upset, leaving Colorado, but before Theo, that always came with this voice in my head, you know? This horrid, mean voice that was all Sergei. The way he got into my head to tear me down. The minute I had a problem I couldn’t handle, or worried I was messing up, or ... anything, really. Sometimes just if I stubbed my toe or let out a curse in front of Hannah. Big things, little things, always there was Sergei sneering away in my brain. But not anymore. Or not nearly so much. I didn’t even realize it was going away until I was crossing back into Texas this morning, and there was the sun rising higher above the wind farm and everything looked wide open and bright and I thought, ‘hey, everything going on and not once has that toxic weasel crawled out of his hole to tell me what a pathetic loser I was and it was no wonder my family didn’t have time for me.’ And it could be that’s me getting distance from him. But I think Theo’s influence has a bunch to do with it.”
“Oh, June bug.”
“No, but it’s so much better now, that’s what I’m saying.”
Aunt Johnston planted both hands on Rachel’s shoulders, so she knew it was a question she had to answer without evasion. “My girl, you know I’m pleased as spicy pickles to have you, but why are you here three days earlier than you planned? What did your mom and dad do this time?”
And there was the one thing she’d avoided confiding to her aunt. She half-pulled away towards the bedroom, but before she could make an excuse about checking on Hannah, Aunt said, “If I need to call my brother and interrogate him, you know I have no qualms about it.”
“It wasn’t like they kicked me to the curb. I just couldn’t stay. I thought if they were the first to hear the news about the baby—well, I don’t know what I thought. They’re so excited about Blythe’s son. Did you know it’s a boy? I didn’t. And I get there, and they have this whole baby shower planned, and that’s fine, they live near her and it’s not like I even had a shower for Hannah, what with the divorce and living with Depy and everything. So that’s fine, I guess, even if it wasn’t the most kid-friendly brunch place I’ve ever been. Lots of fancy glassware and quaint rickety chairs.”
Her aunt snorted.
“But all their plans for him, Aunt.” She told her about the ski lessons and her foolish attempt to surprise everyone with her news and Dad leaving the table.
Aunt snorted again.
“Well, when has your brother ever been good at confrontation? I swear I learned to never stand up for myself from him.”
“You taught it to yourself just fine, cricket.”
She nodded. Because it was true. And Rachel deserved to accept all the true things about herself. And then she told Aunt Johnston about the rest of it. “And Mom said, ‘If you think your aunt is the only person in this family who loves you maybe you should go back now to see her instead of suffering through a visit with us the rest of the week.’ So I said I would. And here I am.”
They ran out of tissues and her tea had long since gone cold. She was a certified mess, but for the first time in all her long days of driving, she felt blanketed in peace.