Tuesday, June 9

 

Jon had never seen Lisa look so happy, so excited.

“You passed your evaluation,” he said.

Lisa raced over and hugged him. “I passed!” she cried. “We’re safe for another three years.”

“That’s great, Lisa,” Jon said. “You deserve it.”

“Oh, Jon, it’s even better than that,” she said. “Sit down. No, I’ll sit down. No, I’m too excited to sit down.”

Jon laughed. “We’ll both sit down,” he said. “Tell me what happened. How did you find out?”

“They called me in,” Lisa said. “I can’t wait to tell Gabe. I know he won’t understand, but I want to tell him anyway. Jon, I didn’t just pass. I got a promotion!”

“You’re kidding,” Jon said. “Lisa, that’s amazing.”

“I’m now head of domestic placements,” she said. “My boss got transferred. I can’t believe they hired me. I thought for sure they’d hire someone’s sister or cousin. I thought they’d hire the relative and I’d be struck having to train some idiot, or worse still, they’d say no to my evaluation to justify not giving me the job. It doesn’t matter. Maybe no relative wanted the job. Either way, I got it.”

“What are the benefits?” Jon asked.

“They offered me a choice,” Lisa replied. “I could have a bigger house, better neighborhood, but I love this neighborhood, so why should I want to move? And we don’t need a bigger house. So I decided against that right away. Instead we’re getting a personal greenhouse. Jon, we’ll be able to grow our own fruits and vegetables. Herbs. Do you know how much I’ve missed fresh herbs?”

“That’s great,” Jon said.

Lisa laughed. “Don’t worry, you won’t have to work in it,” she said, but then she lowered her voice. “Whichever I chose, I’d be getting a third domestic. I had this amazing idea, Jon. I’m going to arrange it so that Miranda gets the job.”

“Miranda?” Jon said.

“Quiet,” Lisa said. “Val might hear you.”

“I’m sorry,” Jon whispered. “But Miranda working here?”

“It makes a lot of sense, Jon,” Lisa replied. “The baby could share the nursery with Gabe. Carrie can look after both of them while Miranda works in the greenhouse.”

“What about Alex?” Jon asked, still trying to understand how it would work.

“He’d keep the apartment, I guess,” Lisa said. “Miranda and the baby can take the bus Saturday nights with Val and Carrie. But Miranda wouldn’t have to work nearly so hard, and she wouldn’t have the commute, and she’d be able to look in on her baby at mealtimes. She’ll eat better here, and the air would be better for the baby. You can see all that, can’t you, Jon?”

Jon remembered what Alex had said about Gabe being better off in Sexton than with his mother. This wasn’t exactly the same. Miranda would still be a grub, and her baby would be a grub’s baby, not a claver’s. But Lisa would treat them well, and things would be easier for them.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about having his sister being a domestic where he lived. It felt weird, wrong. But if Miranda was in the greenhouse and he was at school or at practice, he’d hardly see her anyway.

“Where would she sleep?” he asked. “Is there room for her?”

“We’ll convert the garage,” Lisa said. “It’s wired for electricity. We’ll put a heater in and a bed, some furniture, a lamp. A crib, of course. It’ll be nice and cozy for both of them.”

The garage had been his place, his and Sarah’s. And now that Lisa had passed her evaluation, there was nothing to keep him from getting Sarah back. She needed him as much as he needed her. He’d make her forgive him.

“How about if I move into the garage?” he asked. “Miranda could have my room.”

Lisa shook her head. “That’s sweet, Jon, but it wouldn’t work. No one can know that she’s family, or we’ll all get in trouble. Besides, in a year you’ll pass your evaluation and move into the Sexton dorm. Carrie will get transferred, and Gabe will move into your room. Miranda and her baby can have the nursery then.”

“Have you talked to Miranda?” Jon asked.

Lisa shook her head. “I’ll go there on Sunday and talk to all of them,” she said. “Laura’s going to be the hardest one to convince. She’s so possessive of Miranda. But I’ll talk her into it. It’s what’s best for Miranda and the baby. Laura will see that.”

Good news, weird news, Jon thought. My sister the grub.

But Lisa was right. In a year, he’d either be in the Sexton dorm or thrown out of Sexton. And in a year Alex might have his truck. Or he and Miranda might decide to move to that place Matt had told them about. Or the moon might crash into the earth and they’d all be dead anyway.

“Congratulations,” he said to Lisa. “Now go tell Gabe the good news.”

 

Wednesday, June 10

 

Jon walked over to the table where Luke and Sarah were sitting. “Lisa passed her evaluation,” he said to Luke, pretending not to notice that Sarah was there. “She even got a promotion.”

“That must be a relief,” Luke said. “I know you’ve been worrying about it.”

Jon nodded. “She’s feeling a lot better about things,” he said. “I am, too.”

Sarah kept still.

“That’s it,” Jon said. “Just thought you’d want to know.”

But as he walked back to Tyler’s table, he could sense Sarah looking at him.

Things are about to get better, he told himself. He’d learned from his lessons. He’d be the man Sarah wanted him to be and then she would have to forgive him.

 

Friday, June 12

 

Luke lived almost a mile away, but there was no bus that went through the neighborhoods, so Jon walked there. He’d been to Luke’s a few times but never without an invitation. He didn’t think Luke would mind, though.

He didn’t mind, but he was surprised. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “Is something the matter?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Jon said. “I figured this was the best place.”

“Come on in,” Luke said. “We’ll go to my room.”

Jon thought about the offer Lisa had had for a bigger house. Luke’s felt like a mansion. His brother lived in the Sexton dorm, so it was just Luke, his parents, and five domestics. Jon wondered how many of them were professors of philosophy.

“Okay,” Luke said. “What’s up?”

“Could you close the door?” Jon asked. “I need to talk to you in private.”

Luke shrugged, but he closed the door, then sat down on a chair that faced Jon’s.

Jon took a deep breath. “I can’t stop thinking about the grubber school,” he said. “How we burned it down. Now that my stepmother’s passed her evaluation, well, I could go to the authorities, tell them what happened. But I decided to talk to you first.”

Luke got up and opened the door. “Marie!” he called. “Could you get my father for me? Ask him to come to my room.”

“Yes, Mr. Luke,” Marie said.

“What did you do that for?” Jon asked.

“Wait,” Luke said. “We’ll talk it over with my father.”

Jon felt a sharp longing for a father of his own to talk things over with. Not that he hadn’t keep secrets from Dad. But maybe if he were still alive, Jon wouldn’t have made such a mess of things.

He and Luke sat in uncomfortable silence until Dr. Barner arrived. Jon rose, and Dr. Barner smiled and shook his hand. “This is a nice surprise,” he said. “Are you joining us for supper, Jon?”

“Oh no,” Jon said. “No, thank you. I came here to talk something over with Luke.”

“Jon wants to go to the authorities,” Luke said to his father. “To tell them about setting the school on fire.”

“He knows?” Jon said.

“I know,” Dr. Barner replied. “Luke told me after church on the eighteenth. He and I talked about it at great length.”

“I asked Dad if I should go to the authorities,” Luke said.

“I told him he should,” Dr. Barner said. “But only if all five of you agreed. I’ll tell you the same thing, Jon. Either all of you go or none of you goes.”

“Dad said I’d have to tell them who was there with me,” Luke said. “I couldn’t lie and say I did it by myself. I’d never get away with it. They’d ask questions, like where did I get the matches. And there’s no way I’d rat on my friends.”

“I’m not saying what you did was right, Jon,” Dr. Barner said. “But Luke was protecting the old man. The grubs who trashed the school before you got there had no such reason. They were simply drunken vandals.”

There was no way of knowing who had trashed the school. Everyone was drunk that night, clavers as well as grubs. “The school was a mess,” Jon said. “But it could have been cleaned up. What we did was irreversible.”

“Exactly,” Dr. Barner replied. “There’s nothing you can say or do that will change matters. So why throw your life away? I’ll say to you what I said to Luke. The important thing is to accept what you did was wrong and move on. I had him promise never to do anything like that again. I think you’ll feel better if you make that same promise.”

“I promise,” Jon said, waiting to feel better.

“Very good,” Dr. Barner said. “You’re sure you don’t want to stay for dinner, Jon? There’s always room for one more.”

“No, thank you,” Jon said. “Lisa’s expecting me. And Gabe’ll be disappointed if I’m not there.”

“Some other time, then,” Dr. Barner said. “Come, Luke. We don’t want to keep your mother waiting.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Luke replied. “I’ll see Jon out.”

“Don’t take too long,” Dr. Barner said. “You don’t want your dinner to get cold.”

“I won’t,” Luke said. “Come on, Jon.”

Jon followed Luke down the stairs and outside. “I didn’t want to say this in front of Dad,” Luke said softly. “But I talked to Tyler yesterday. I’ve wanted to for a while, and when you said Lisa had passed, I figured the time was right.”

“What did he say?” Jon asked, knowing he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“He said his father thinks the grubs burned the school down,” Luke replied. “And Tyler wants to keep it that way. Tyler can’t go after me. We’re family. But he said if either one of us talks, he’ll see to it you’re sent to the mines. That family of yours in White Birch? They’ll end up there, too, like those grubber women who complained about Zach’s grandfather. Everyone knew they were telling the truth. That’s why he got thrown out of Sexton. But the grubs were sent to the mines anyway.”

Jon thought of Alex and Miranda and their baby. He had no right to destroy their lives. “I’ll keep quiet,” he said. “I swear it.”

“There’s something else,” Luke said. “Sarah.”

“What about her?” Jon asked.

“Look, I know about the two of you,” Luke declared. “Sarah talks to me.”

“I thought now that Lisa’s okay, I’d try to make it up to Sarah,” Jon said.

“That’s what she wants,” Luke replied. “But you can’t let that happen. Tyler asked me if anything was going on between the two of you. I said no, but I don’t think he believed me. He’ll hurt her, Jon, just to show you he’s in charge.”

“But she wants to get back together?” Jon asked.

“She says she loves you,” Luke replied. “If you love her, you’ll leave her alone.”

Jon knew he had one weapon left, and that was to let Sarah know the truth about him. “Tell her I want to see her,” he said. “To come to my house so we can talk.”

“Jon,” Luke said.

“I know what I’m doing,” Jon said. “I’ll see to it Sarah never looks at me again. But I have to talk to her first. Tomorrow night, after the grubs go to White Birch. I’ll be waiting for her.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Luke said.

“I do,” Jon said. “Get her there, okay?”

“Luke!” Dr. Barner yelled. “What’s taking you so long?”

“I’m coming!” Luke shouted. “I’ll do what I can,” he whispered, then turned his back on Jon and entered the house.

“The truth shall set you free,” Jon told himself as he walked back to Lisa’s. It would set Sarah free, at least. Not even the truth could do much for him at this point.

He’d be all right. He’d survived hunger, disease, the loss of his home, the loss of his father. He’d survive this as well.

But he’d need all the strength and courage he had to protect the people he loved.

His misdeeds had cost Julie her life.

He couldn’t let the same thing happen twice.

 

Saturday, June 13

 

Val and Carrie had already left for White Birch when the doorbell rang. Lisa was upstairs with Gabe, so Jon answered the door.

“Sarah,” he said, silently thanking Luke.

“Luke said you wanted to talk,” she said. “That I should come over tonight.”

Jon nodded. “I’ll meet you in the garage,” he said, looking around the street to make sure no one had seen her. “We can talk in private there.”

Sarah nodded and walked away.

Jon called upstairs to Lisa to say he’d be out for a few minutes. Then he left the house, silently walking to the garage, making certain he wasn’t spotted.

“I’m only here because Luke told me to come,” Sarah began. “He’s been a real friend to me.”

“To me, too,” Jon said. “Sarah, I know I can’t make it up to you, the way I’ve behaved. I’ve thought about everything you said to me, how I was weak, a coward, and I know you’re right. But I have to tell you that I love you. I was too scared to tell you that before, too weak, too cowardly. I know I’m just a slip; I’ll never deserve your love. But I needed you to know.”

“I don’t care that you’re a slip,” she said. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t understand what it feels like for you. After you came to our table and told us about Lisa and I wouldn’t even look at you, well, Luke talked to me about you, what you’ve been going through. How rough you had it when you first moved to Sexton, how the only way you could make friends was by playing soccer so well. How you and Lisa will always be regarded as not quite as good as everyone else because you’re slips.”

“It’s not an excuse,” Jon said. “You told me that.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have,” Sarah said. “I get too righteous sometimes and I hurt the people I love. I love you, Jon. I love that you’re protective of Lisa and Gabe. And I didn’t even tell you I was glad she passed her evaluation. Oh, Jon, I am glad. I’m glad for her and I’m glad for you, and it’s been killing me that I didn’t say so.”

“I love you, Sarah,” Jon said, but in his mind he knew what he had to do. He walked over to her and kissed her, gently at first and then with more passion.

Sarah responded. Jon held on to her so tightly she could hardly breathe. When he knew he had complete control, he began pawing at her, trying to tear her blouse from her.

Sarah broke away. “Stop it!” she cried. “You’re being too rough.”

“I thought you loved me,” Jon said.

“I do,” Sarah said. “I’m not holding back from you, Jon. But don’t treat me like that.”

“Like what?” Jon asked. “Like a grubber girl?”

“Is that how you treat them?” she asked. “Take what you want without caring how they feel?”

“I know how girls feel,” Jon said, sickening himself at the sound of his voice. “You’re all alike. Julie was exactly the same way.”

“Julie?” Sarah said. “What about Julie?”

“She pretended she loved me, too,” Jon said. “She said it the way you said it. ‘I love you, Jon.’” He spoke in a falsetto, not the way Julie had sounded, still sounded, in his memories, his nightmares. “It was going to be our last day together so I told her to prove it. The next thing I knew, she was screaming for me to stop.”

“She screamed?” Sarah said, edging farther away from him.

“She wanted it as much as I did,” Jon said. “I could tell. But she wouldn’t admit it. She said it was a sin. She didn’t care what I felt, how excited I was. What I wanted didn’t matter.”

“She was a kid,” Sarah said. “Younger than you. Smaller. She must have been terrified.”

“So what?” Jon said. “I didn’t plan on hurting her. It was her fault for fighting me.”

“Did you rape her?” Sarah shouted, her voice rising with rage. “Tell me the truth. Did you rape Julie?” Her voice rose as she grew more hysterical.

Jon kept absolutely quiet.

“Don’t you touch me,” Sarah said. “Ever again. If you even try to, I’ll tell Alex what you did. Is that clear, Jon? I don’t want to have anything to do with you ever again.” She grabbed at her blouse, trying to pull it together, as she raced out of the garage.

Jon watched as she ran away from him. I love you, Sarah, he thought. But he’d thought the same about Julie. And she’d run away from him, also.

He knelt on the concrete floor. “I’m sorry!” he cried. “I’m sorry for everything.”

Not even Julie’s ghost seemed to hear him.

 

Sunday, June 14

 

Jon passed the ball to Tyler as much as he could without getting Coach mad at him. Sexton beat the half-starved, half-crippled Carmichael team 14–2. He drank his share of potka on the drive back and laughed at his share of jokes. Tyler made only one crude remark about Sarah, and Jon was careful not to laugh too loudly. Just enough so Tyler would see how little Jon cared.

Lisa was already home when Jon got in. “How was the game?” she asked.

“We won,” he said. “Fourteen to two.”

“There’s not much left of Carmichael,” Lisa said. “There’s talk they’re going to tear it down and build greenhouses.”

Jon thought of the dozens of people who’d watched the game. “What becomes of the grubs who live there?” he asked.

Lisa shrugged. “Most of them will move to White Birch,” she said, “hoping for work.”

Jon sat down. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the answers, but he knew he had to ask the questions. “How did your visit go?” he asked. “Did Gabe enjoy himself?”

Lisa laughed. “He loves it there,” she said. “He’s crazy about Alex. Alex is going to be a good father. He has a real tenderness. Miranda must have brought it out in him.”

“Did they see how much he’s grown?” Jon asked. It had been six months since Lisa had taken Gabe to White Birch to spend time with that side of his family.

“Of course,” Lisa said. “And how handsome and brilliant he is. I used that as an argument. How healthy he is, I mean. How good it would be for Miranda’s baby to grow up here.”

“What did she say?” Jon asked.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “It took a lot longer than it should have,” she said. “First Alex objected. He didn’t like the idea of only seeing Miranda and the baby on weekends.”

“You can’t blame him for that,” Jon said. “It’d be great if Alex could move into the garage with them.”

“You know that’s impossible,” Lisa said. “Only domestics can live in Sexton, and I can’t see Alex working as a butler. Not for us, at any rate. He’ll be in White Birch while Miranda stays here. That’s just how it is.”

“Did he agree to it?” Jon asked.

“Eventually,” Lisa said. “Laura was actually the least resistant. She’s not happy with the idea of Miranda working for me, but she understands it would be best for the baby.” She shook her head. “Laura tries so hard to keep that apartment clean, but there are roaches all over. And the air quality is so bad.”

“They can’t buy air purifiers,” Jon pointed out.

“They aren’t forbidden to,” Lisa said. “They could put their names down on the list to buy one, but all they’re interested in is that truck. In any event, it’s no place for a baby, and Laura can see that. Miranda put up the biggest fight. She doesn’t want to leave Alex or Laura, and she wasn’t crazy about the idea of living in a garage. She even said she liked her work in the greenhouses.”

“But you convinced her,” Jon said. Lisa had to. Miranda would be safe working for them, as long as no one knew she was family.

“I can convince anyone of anything if I set my mind to it,” Lisa replied. “I told Miranda the garage was only until you start college. In the meantime she’ll eat better and the baby will be healthier and well taken care of.”

“What if Alex buys his truck?” Jon asked. “Would Miranda keep working here?”

Lisa snorted. “I love Alex,” she said, “but he’s a dreamer. It’ll take years before he and Carlos can afford a truck, and even then they’ll have to get a license to run it and another license to buy diesel, and they don’t have the connections, so they’ll need some extra money to make it happen. It’s going to take at least five years, if it ever happens.”

Five years ago, Jon thought, he’d been living in Pennsylvania with Mom and Miranda and Matt. The sun shone and food was plentiful, and his biggest worry was if he’d ever learn to pull an inside fastball.

Five years from now, maybe Alex would get his truck. Or maybe he and Miranda and the baby would move to that place Matt talked about. Or maybe Miranda would settle in to live as Lisa’s domestic, seeing Alex and Mom once a week. It didn’t matter, just as long as Miranda was safe from Tyler.

“So she agreed?” Jon said.

“She’ll start in about a month,” Lisa said. “We have to get the greenhouse built and the garage ready, and I need to do the paperwork without anybody suspecting why I’ve picked her. Oh, Carlos is coming on Thursday. Laura wants you there on Sunday to meet him.”

“I’ll have to ask Coach,” Jon said.

“Don’t ask him,” Lisa said. “Tell him.”

Jon nodded. He could tell Coach things now. Lisa had passed her evaluation. Jon might be a slip, but Coach, like all the teachers in the high school, was one step up from being a grub.

“I’ll tell him,” he said.

“Good,” Lisa said. “Now go say hello to Gabe. He wants to tell you all about his exciting day in White Birch.”

 

Tuesday, June 16

 

“I won’t be able to play in Sunday’s game,” Jon told Coach at practice. “I have a family obligation.” He waited for Coach to yell.

“I wasn’t going to play you anyway,” Coach said instead. “You’ve been looking a little tired, Evans. We’ll play you against Hilton on the twenty-eighth. Get you sharp for the White Birch match.”

The rest of the team gathered around. “We’re playing White Birch?” Tyler asked.

“The Fourth of July,” Coach replied. “It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for. What are we going to do to those White Birch grubs?”

“Kill ’em,” Zachary said.

“I can’t hear you,” Coach said.

“Kill ’em!” the boys shouted.

“What’s that you say?” Coach said.

“KILL ’EM!” Jon and his teammates screamed. “KILL ’EM! KILL ’EM! KILL ’EM!”

Jon thought he might burst with excitement. Everyone from Sexton would bus down for the game, and everyone from White Birch would be there as well. Lisa could bring Gabe, and Mom, Miranda, and Alex would finally see him play soccer. Maybe not Alex, since he’d be driving buses. And Miranda might not feel up to it. But Mom would go, the way she used to go to his baseball games. Tyler wouldn’t know who she was, but Jon would sense her presence. And she’d tell Miranda and Alex and Matt how well he played.

For the first time in weeks Jon felt almost all right.

 

Thursday, June 18

 

It was an accident. Jon swore to himself he hadn’t intended to. But as he walked from the classroom to the cafeteria, he brushed against Sarah. Just the feel of her arm against him was electric.

“I told you never to touch me!” she shouted.

Luke gave Jon a shove. “You heard her,” he said, putting his arm around Sarah. “Leave her alone, Evans.”

“Sorry,” Jon muttered.

He could tell from the sound of Tyler’s laughter that he’d witnessed the whole thing.

That’s good, Jon told himself. Sarah’s safe now.

But even knowing that didn’t stop him from feeling like he’d been kicked in the gut. Feeling the way he had those last moments with Julie.

 

Friday, June 19

 

It was after midnight, but Jon knew sleep was impossible. The west wind blowing made the air worse, but he couldn’t bear to be indoors. He got up, threw his clothes on, and went outside.

The sky was a sickly gray. It must be a full moon, Jon thought, layered with ash and rain clouds. The wind felt like a punishment as he sat on the cold, hard ground and forced himself to think about Julie.

She was thirteen when he met her. Thirteen when she died. At thirteen her parents were gone, her sister dead, her home, her school, her life destroyed.

It had terrified Alex when Julie coughed. Their sister Bri had coughed and coughed, and died.

But Julie was tough. She wouldn’t have given up. A cough wouldn’t have killed her.

No, Jon had that privilege all to himself. Julie could have survived a cough. It was Jon she couldn’t survive.

He was fourteen, a year older, a year bigger. Much stronger than she was. Julie had been on the road for months before he met her, months where Jon and his family had had shelter and food.

Had he loved her? He’d told himself he had. But maybe that was a lie. Maybe Julie had been convenient, the way grubber girls were convenient. Julie was there, and she was close enough to his age, and Jon was old enough to want what Matt and Syl were having, what Miranda and Alex were having.

Julie hadn’t believed him when he told her about Miranda and Alex. “It’s a sin,” she’d said. “Alex doesn’t sin.”

But Alex was human. He was a teenage boy, and Jon was a teenage boy, and Julie was there. She was convenient.

Except that day was the last one she was going to be there. Dad and Lisa, Gabe, Julie, Alex, Miranda, and Charlie were going to leave the next day to make their way to Sexton. They had no idea what they’d find there. But it was an enclave, and Alex had three passes.

Jon and Julie had gone to town that day to get the bags of food they were entitled to. They’d been walking home when the weather turned bad, and they’d run for shelter into one of the many empty houses on the road.

The house was furnished. People left or died, but the houses stayed the same.

They put the bags down and began to kiss. They’d been kissing for over two weeks. Twice, when Julie was certain they were alone, she’d let him touch her breasts.

Alex had been talking for as long as they’d been in Pennsylvania about taking Julie away, but somehow it never seemed to happen. Tomorrow it was going to happen, though. Maybe it was because everybody was leaving, but Jon felt desperate. He’d be left alone with Mom and Matt and Syl while everyone else was going to have a chance to live with other people. He was trapped.

It wasn’t enough to kiss, to touch. He was almost fifteen, and his life was over, and he’d never known a woman. This was his last chance, his only chance. He loved her. She had to let him just this once.

Julie broke away from him. “No,” she said. “Jon. No.”

He couldn’t understand why she was saying that. She’d said she loved him when he’d touched her breasts. She must want him as much as he wanted her. This was her chance as much as it was his.

But she fought him, shouting for him to stop. Which he wouldn’t do. Not then, their last day, his last chance.

Julie was tough. She clawed at him, tried kneeing him. But Jon was six inches taller, thirty pounds heavier, stronger, better fed. It was a fight he was bound to win, but he didn’t want it that way. He loved her. Didn’t she know that?

“I love you, Julie,” he said, convinced that would make her quiescent. You told a girl you loved her, she’d agree to anything. That’s what the guys at school had always said. You said the magic words, and the girl was yours.

But Julie didn’t seem to understand the rules. She didn’t say, “I love you, too,” or “Oh, Jon, Jon,” or not talk at all, but still let him have her.

Instead she kept trying to get away. The harder she tried, the angrier he got, the more he felt the need to make her his.

For three years this had been his memory of Julie. Her frantic cries for him to stop. Her struggle to escape.

Since he’d moved to the enclave, Jon had never taken a grubber girl by force. The other guys did without a second thought. That’s what the girls were there for.

But Jon wasn’t a rapist. Not in White Birch, not back in Pennsylvania. He didn’t rape Julie, no matter what he had led Sarah to believe. He’d wanted Julie more than he’d wanted anything in his life, but he’d honestly believed she wanted him, too. He did love her. He would have stopped.

But Julie didn’t know that. Somehow she broke away from him and ran outside, into the storm.

Jon had followed her, intending to calm her down before she went home and told everyone what he’d tried to do. Dad and Lisa loved Julie like a daughter, and Mom—well, Mom would have taken Julie’s side. He had to talk to Julie before she ruined his life.

Once Jon got outside, he realized the only thing that mattered was getting Julie indoors to safety. The rain had turned to hail, the wind was tornado level, and in the distance Jon could see a funnel cloud.

“Julie!” he screamed. “Julie! Come inside!”

But she didn’t listen, or if she did, she was more scared of him than the weather. She was a city girl. She didn’t know the power of a tornado. All she knew was Jon was taller and stronger and didn’t know what “No!” meant.

He managed to grab her just as the twister bore down. He flung Julie to the ground, lying on top of her, a human cross.

But Julie wiggled out from under him, not realizing that he was trying to protect her. She fought to stand up, but the wind pushed so hard against her that it bent her over.

Jon faced the same battle. It was a slow-motion chase, like in a cartoon, the wind a wall against which Julie and Jon struggled to free themselves.

“Hold on!” he shouted, grabbing hold of a tree. But Julie didn’t hear him or wouldn’t listen. She kept trying to run.

Then the wind got her. It lifted her and threw her down against the ground.

He held on to the tree until the wind lessened. Only then did Jon go to her body.

She’s dead, he thought. She’ll never tell.

But only her body was dead. Julie’s mind was still alive. The terror in her eyes screamed of life.

She was completely helpless now, Jon realized. All she had was her mind and her fear.

“No,” she said to him. “Jon, no.”

He stared at her. All their friendship, all their love, had died along with Julie’s arms and legs. She’d run into a storm and the storm had killed her, and still she feared what Jon would do to her.

“Julie, it’s all right,” Jon said, knowing it wasn’t, it never would be. “I have to get help. I have to find Alex and get help.”

“I can’t move,” she said. “I can’t feel anything.”

“I know,” he said. “But I have to go. They don’t know where we are, Julie. I have to tell them where you are.”

“I’m scared, Jon,” she said. “I’m so scared.”

He wanted to pick her up, hold her in his arms, comfort her. But he’d lost the right to touch her.

“I’ll be back,” he said instead. “Pray, Julie. Pray.”

He brought Matt and Dad back to her. Alex was missing, Miranda hysterical. Charlie was dead, and Lisa and Gabe were trapped.

Julie had lingered for two days. He’d never gone to see her, to beg forgiveness.

But she never told. Maybe it was because Alex didn’t get back in time and Lisa couldn’t get out to see her. The only people Julie saw in those hours before she died were his family, his father, mother, brother, sister. And none of them indicated to Jon that Julie had told them anything.

She’d said she loved him and she did. She protected him when she wouldn’t allow him to protect her. She’d faced her death bravely. Perhaps she even forgave him.

But Jon could never forgive himself. He hadn’t raped Julie, but he’d killed her.

The rain fell on him, but it couldn’t wash away his sins. Nothing could. Julie would haunt him for the rest of his life. She controlled him in death as she never had in life. She was his hell.