CHAPTER 19
Liam
Lucy sniffed something and felt sick. She held her nose and waved away a fart cloud. “Did you do that?” Lucy asked.
“Guilty as charged,” Liam said, tipping his Viking helmet to her. Liam stood there with a devilish grin and a milk mustache above his lip.
“I’ll work with you, but you can’t fart around me,” Lucy said. “Understood?”
“Works for me. I may be able to fart the national anthem, but I don’t want to be famous for farts. I’ve broken records, I’ve come back from the dead, and I used to breathe underwater. Everybody thinks they know what I’m going to do next, but I’m ready to shock them. Let’s aim higher, like two hundred stories higher.”
“Where are you going with this?” Lucy asked, already bored.
“Straight to the top of the world’s tallest diving board, woman! And I’m taking the whole world with me!”
The stunt made national news. They showed images of a diving board two hundred stories in the air. On the ground was a swimming pool full of chocolate pudding. News reporters hovered, talking to their viewers like they were about to witness the greatest event in the history of humankind.
“In just a few short minutes, local legend Liam Lancaster, a young man who refuses to remove his Viking helmet, will attempt the impossible! A two-hundred-story belly flop into a pool of chocolate pudding! Will he survive?!”
“Absolutely,” Liam said, starting his climb up the ladder. The first twenty stories were easy enough. He turned and flexed for the cameras, then waved to family and friends.
But by the time Liam reached fifty stories up, he began to feel nauseous. Maybe eating all those corn dogs right before wasn’t the best idea. Liam tried to shake it off and kept climbing.
One thousand feet… one thousand five hundred feet… two thousand feet… the people looked like ants… and then smaller than ants… and then he couldn’t see them.
As someone who rode roller coasters every chance he got, Liam never thought he’d be afraid of heights. But now the air was thinning at this height. The worst part was his hands wouldn’t stop sweating. He had to be careful climbing the ladder.
When Liam finally reached the diving board, he clung to the rail. Then he looked down. Big mistake. The world was so far away. His knees knocked together. From the ground, people looked up with binoculars. It looked like Liam was doing a funny dance on purpose, but he wasn’t. Liam was afraid.
Liam looked over the edge of the diving board. If he misjudged the angle of the belly flop, he’d be a pancake, and not the tasty kind. “I regret this decision!” he shouted to the wind.
Liam couldn’t do it. It was just too… terrifying. He turned around to climb back down the ladder, just as a strong gust of wind blew his Viking helmet off his head! When he reached for it, he slipped.
Liam was now free-falling two hundred stories straight down!
As he fell, his life flashed before his eyes: It was just a series of wonderful, hilarious farts. Maybe he should go back to farts.…
The ground got closer and closer… two thousand feet… one thousand five hundred feet… one thousand feet… five hundred feet…
Liam said his prayers. That’s when the Emm-azing Emma—Classroom 13’s only witch—flew straight toward him on her broom. Just as Liam was about to crash into the ground, Emma swooped in and caught Liam (and his Viking helmet). As they landed safely on the ground, Liam fainted—then farted.
“Gross,” Emma said.
As his eyes slowly opened, Liam whispered, “That was fart for ‘thank you.’”