Chapter 5. Money and Possessions

Telling family of decision to sell summer house

Dear Children,

Last week I came across a box of old photographs and spent the rest of the day reminiscing about wonderful times at the cottage on Mirror Pond. Each of us has our own special memories, but I’m sure all of us agree we have been so fortunate to have such an extraordinary place in our lives.

It also got your father and me thinking about our future and the amount of time and money we have to spend to keep up the summer home. Now that all of you have your own families we don’t use the cottage all that often any more.

We have decided that it is not practical for us to continue to hold on to the house after this season. We’re going to put it on the market and use the proceeds for our retirement expenses.

Before we do that, of course, we would be happy to hear from any of you who might want to buy the house and land and keep it in the family. We have a special price in mind if you do, the appraised value minus the amount we would pay to a real estate agent and lawyer, and we’d throw in all of the furniture and all of the memories.

Please let us know by June 1.

Love,

Mom and Dad

Asking family involvement in financial decisions

To Dan, Ed, Mike, Karen, and Marcia,

As you know, I just returned home from visiting mom and dad. I wanted to tell you some of the things I learned and to share some concerns.

For their age, mom and dad appear to be healthy. It is good to see that they are still active in community affairs and take an interest in politics. And, of course, they wanted to know all about each of us and our families.

They are, though, becoming increasingly frail. They are at the point where they need assistance with some basic tasks like house cleaning, meal preparation, and general household repairs.

We have always made it a point to stay out of their financial matters. They worked hard to earn what they have and we never wanted to interfere. I think, though, that it is our duty now to help with some things that are about to become overwhelming.

I would ask each of you to give some thought to how we can help mom and dad financially and with our time. I’d like to set up a telephone conference call by the end of the month. I’ll give each of you a call before then to arrange a time.

Love,

Jane

Asking family assistance for elders

Dear Carol,

It has given me a great deal of happiness all these years to live so close to our mother. I have been fortunate to be able to spend so much time with her and I would not trade that for anything.

But I am writing you now to ask for your help.

Mom’s care and welfare require more than I can now give her. The time has come when the two of us must make some decisions about her future.

We both love her very much and want her to be safe and happy. Let’s talk soon about ways we can share the joy and the burden of helping her with the next phase of her life.

Love,

Marion

Asking family to consider care for parent

To Barbara, Jim and Ross,

Since I live closest to Dad and have the opportunity to see him most frequently, I feel I can provide the best report on his health and well-being.

At his age he still is mentally as sharp as ever. Physically, though, this is not the case. I don’t believe it is safe for him to live alone any longer, and I also don’t feel he should be driving.

We all knew that if we were lucky enough to have Dad around for a good long period, the time would come when we as his children would probably have to make some decisions for him.

The bottom line is we want him to be safe and happy. We also don’t want him to feel that he has no say in what we all hope is a long future.

I propose we individually make some proposals and then share them with each other. We can then present our ideas to Dad and ask for his thoughts.

Love,

Amelia

Seeking family assistance for parent

To Barbara, Jim, and Ross,

I told you recently about my concerns for Dad’s safety.

I visited him again today and I think it is time to take some steps to help him. I’m afraid he is very near the time when he can no longer live alone.

I am enclosing some brochures from assisted-living facilities in the area. This would be my personal choice to give Dad his own place but also provide the services and caretaking he needs.

I can no longer be solely in charge; we must do this together. Please contact me as soon as possible with your ideas.

We all love Dad too much to wait until something happens.

Love,

Amelia

Asking end to requests for money from parents

To Barbara and Ross,

I am writing to both of you because I recently became aware of something concerning Dad.

As you know, I am in the process of getting Dad’s financial records in order. We have all agreed that the best and safest option for our father was to hire a live-in caregiver for as long as that is possible and to then consider an assisted-living facility.

While working out the economics of this move I found that every month for the past year Dad has been giving Jim a check for $1,000. We all know Dad means well and that Jim has had a hard time making ends meet in his job as a community organizer.

But, in the end, I hope you will agree with me that Dad’s welfare has to take the highest priority. None of us wants to tell Dad how to spend his money, but hiring a caretaker or paying for assisted living is going to be costly.

I’d like for the three of us to come to an agreement on how to handle this, and to then meet with Jim. We need to come up with a budget for Dad, and Jim needs to find a way to support himself without affecting the comfort and safety of our father.

Love,

Amelia

Asking siblings to help parents with landscaping

Dear Gus and Billy,

I think it is finally time for dad to sit on the deck while someone else mows the lawn and tends to the landscaping. He’s earned the right.

We have two choices: paying for someone to do the job, or adding it to our own chores. As far as I’m concerned, we all live close enough to do it ourselves, and I think it would be a nice way to combine our visits with some help around the house.

Here’s what I’d like to propose. There are three of us and six months of work from April through September. How about we alternate months amongst us?

We’re all going to be over at the house for Mother’s Day. Can I suggest we inaugurate the plan by arriving with work clothes and gloves?

Sincerely,

Jill

Asking for family support for tag sale

To the Family,

As you may know, my mother and father, Tom and Edna, are going to be moving to an assisted-living facility soon.

Since they are moving into a furnished apartment, we have decided the best way to dispose of their belongings (and raise some money for their rent) is to hold a large tag sale on Saturday, July 30.

I am asking any members of the family who can help us to contact me. We need some assistance in moving furniture, working at the tag sale, and then in cleaning out the house.

Although the main purpose of the sale is to raise money for Tom and Edna’s new home, we will also be happy to give special prices to members of the family at the sale.

Please let me know if you are available.

Love,

Tonya

Family cell phone limits

Evan, Barbara, and Emily,

I am sending this letter to all three of you; Evan and Barbara at college and Emily at home.

Your mother and I agreed to pay for your cell phones. We like the security of knowing you can always get in touch with us, and we do understand that you like to speak to your friends.

We are covered by a family plan and share a single pool of minutes. When we gave you the cell phone we agreed to pay for it, but you were to stay within the guidelines of a certain number of minutes each month, no more than 250 minutes per month for each of you.

We just received the bill for May, and we find that each of you went significantly over that amount. The added cost to the family was nearly $100.

If this happens again we will have to curtail your usage or ask that you pay for your own phone. We are not interested in controlling or interfering in your lives, but since we are paying the bills we get to set the rules.

Love,

Dad

Ending financial support to family member

Dear Doreen,

It was nice to receive your Christmas card and letter and learn you are very optimistic about the coming year. We all hope for an improvement over the old one.

Mary and I were very sorry about all of the difficulties you went through in the past few months; we know they were all beyond your control. We were very glad we could help a little bit financially and hope this contributed to getting you back on your feet again.

At this time, though, we will no longer be sending you checks each month. Please consider what we have given you in the past as a gift; we do not expect to be repaid.

Please keep us up to date on what is going on in your life; we wish you all good news from now on.

Love,

Peter

Asking relative for money

Dear Uncle Jack,

It is very difficult for me to be writing this letter, but I don’t feel I have any other good choice.

As you know, I was laid off from my job last month when the factory closed down. I have been looking for a decent job ever since, but thus far I have had no luck.

June’s job at the library is only part time and does not include any benefits. We have cut back on almost everything we can. We’ve put the rabbit ears back on the television sets and canceled the cable bill, and the car only moves out of the garage when it’s absolutely necessary.

I am, though, very near the point where we will not have enough money to pay our mortgage. I have never had to ask for this kind of help, and I hate doing so now, but I have to find a way to care for my family.

I don’t expect a gift. But if you would be able to loan me enough to cover our mortgage and health care premiums for the next five months, I’m convinced this will give us enough time to find a new job and get back to paying our own bills.

As I said, I wouldn’t be asking if I thought there was any other option.

Fondly,

John

Declining to offer loan to family member

Dear John,

I got your letter and it broke my heart.

I have always been proud of you and June and the way you were raising your two beautiful children.

But I am afraid that I cannot offer you a loan of the size you are asking. First of all, I don’t have that much available cash; in retirement we are living on a very tight fixed income. I cannot tap into our retirement savings.

And then there is this: I can’t think of anything that could be more damaging to the fabric of a family than to make a major outstanding loan. What if you have difficulty repaying it?

Without getting into specifics, I did discuss your situation with a friend of mine who is a financial planner. He offered to speak with you on the phone to discuss some possibilities including refinancing your mortgage, restructuring other debts, and budgeting issues.

You will always have our support as a member of the family. I wish you the best in finding a job soon.

Love,

Uncle Jack

Response to offer by relative to perform repairs

Dear Dave,

Thanks for giving me a price for the repairs to my car.

I am not surprised that there is so much body work required. I’m just thankful that no one was hurt (other than the deer).

My surprise is with the price you quoted for parts and labor. While you were working on your estimate, we brought our car to one of the body shops here in town; their total price was about $500 less than yours. The cost of parts is nearly identical.

As my cousin, I certainly don’t expect you to lose money on work within the family. But I hope you can also understand that we don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars unnecessarily.

I’d be happy to discuss this with you and show you the quote from the body shop. Perhaps you can see something we are missing.

Please let me know how you want to proceed.

Bart

Divorced parent asking for more money for child

Dear Natalie,

Marybeth has just informed me that she would like to go to Paris with her French class this spring. She’s all excited about it, and I think it would be good for her to begin to learn how to live away from home for a while.

I am writing to see if we can agree between us to split the costs of the trip; Marybeth says it should be about $2,000.

Under our child support agreement, we are together paying for her education and living expenses. Things like a class trip are not included, and I’m certainly not interested in going back to court for this purpose; I doubt the judge would reopen the agreement in any case.

So, can we come together for Marybeth’s sake here? Please let me know and then we can discuss it with her.

Sincerely,

Brad

Asking for return of item after death

Dear Kathleen,

Please accept my deepest sympathies on the death of your mother. She was a wonderful person and I was proud to consider her one of my dearest friends.

When you are sorting through your mother’s possessions, I expect you will find a small pearl and ruby pin that was one of my favorite pieces of jewelry.

Your mother asked to borrow the pin a few weeks ago to wear at a family gathering. I would very much appreciate it if I could have it back.

I know you have many other things to do; there is no immediate rush, but I would like to make sure the pin does not go astray.

Please give me a call at your convenience and I can come pick it up.

Sincerely,

Claire Cameron

Disposition of possessions

Dear Monica,

It was good to see you at the services for my mother last week; it was not the happiest time, but it was comforting to be surrounded by family and friends.

At the end of the day you pulled me aside to tell me that my mother had promised you her pearl ring. It was not the appropriate time for me to discuss your request, but I did want to let you know my thoughts now.

That lovely ring is of special meaning in my family; I’m not sure you are aware of its history. My father bought it when he was stationed in the Pacific in World War II. My mother proudly wore it for more than forty years.

After my daughter Tina was born, we used to say that someday when she met and married someone as wonderful as my father it would be hers. My mother never said otherwise, and there is no mention of a bequest to you in her will.

I am sure you will understand that we want this remembrance of my mother to remain in the family.

I know you were a good friend to my mother, and I will find some other memento of hers for you to remember her by.

Sincerely,

Chris Walker

Partial disposition of possession

Dear Dick,

You dropped by last week while I was clearing out my father’s house; I apologize if I seemed a bit distracted. In the conversation you told me my father had promised to give you his snow blower as thanks for clearing his driveway this past winter. I told you at the time I would get back to you.

My father was a wonderful and very generous man. Many times, though, his generosity exceeded his ability to follow through.

Here’s the story, the snowblower cost about $1,000 and it is not fully paid for. The loan from the hardware store still has about $600 outstanding.

In the spirit of my father’s promise to you, I am willing to give you the machine if you will take over the remaining payments or pay it off in full. Otherwise I must sell the machine and give the proceeds to the store.

Again, thanks for your many kindnesses to my father. Please let me know your decision about the snowblower as soon as possible.

Stew Gamble

Asking to purchase item from estate

Beverly Adams

Rolling Meadow

Dear Beverly,

I want to again say how sad I am about the death of your mother. She and I were friends for many years and I will miss her very much.

I know that as executor of her estate you’re going to be very busy handling the disposition of her property.

I did, though, want to let you know that I have long admired one of your mother’s possessions—the dragonfly Tiffany Lamp that was the centerpiece of her parlor. She and I used to joke about it; I kept trying to buy it from her and she would always say it would be the last thing she would ever sell.

It would mean a great deal to me if I could buy this lamp from the family as a remembrance of your mother. If this is possible, I would be happy to pay its appraised value and keep it in a place of honor in my home.

Sincerely,

Ethel Kramer