THE feeling of being an encumbrance was still there when Steve heard the baby crying in the middle of the night. It wasn’t his normal lusty howl. It was a fretful cry and his first instinct was to leap out of bed and go to Liam, but would Sallie want him interfering?
He groaned. If it had been the old days, he would have already been there, not across the hall. At that moment the door flew open and Sallie was there, with Liam in her arms.
‘Steve! Are you awake?’ she cried. ‘Liam has just brought up his feed. He’s been sick all over the cot, himself and me.’
He was beside her in a flash, taking the fretful infant from her and cradling him to his chest. ‘He feels as if he has a slight temperature, but that will probably disappear once his tummy settles down,’ he told her.
She looked at Liam anxiously, ‘Do you think he’s sickening for something?’
‘Maybe. We’ll have to keep an eye on him. He’s calm enough now and ready to go back to sleep, but first he needs changing. Find me some clean clothes and I’ll wash and change him while you attend to yourself. Once you’re out of the shower you can hold him while I strip the bedding off the cot.’
Steve was sitting by the bed, gently rocking the baby in his arms, when Sallie came out of the shower with a towelling robe fastened tightly around her and she felt tears prick. If he was like this with someone else’s child, how would he have been with their own? she thought. And almost as if he’d read her mind, he looked up but didn’t comment.
She looked scrubbed and clean, he was thinking, but why had she got the robe fastened so tightly? Was it because she was aware of the countless times he’d held what was beneath it?
‘I’m so thankful that you were here,’ she told him as she looked down at the now sleeping child. ‘Those are the kind of moments when a helping hand makes all the difference.’
‘It’s nice to know that you haven’t written me off entirely,’ he said with a quirky smile, and saw her expression change.
‘I was the one who was written off, Steve,’ she said quietly. ‘I adored you, loved you more than life itself. When you went, you took away my reason for living. For months, years I went through the motions, attending my patients and then coming home to this place where every inch of it reminded me of you.’
‘I knew how much you were hurting, but so was I. Each day it became clearer that having only me wasn’t enough for you. You couldn’t just be grateful that Tom Cavanagh had made you well again. You had to have the full package, and when it wasn’t available you gave up on us.’
Still holding Liam close, he got to his feet. ‘Don’t you think I know that? It’s what I’ve had to live with for the past three years.’ He held the baby out to her. ‘Here, take Liam while I change the cot.’
When that was done he said, ‘You know where I am if you need me again.’ And immediately thought it had been a tactless thing to say when there had been such a long time when she hadn’t had the slightest idea where he was. ‘So goodnight. I’ll see you both in the morning, and, Sallie, if I said I was sorry a thousand times, it wouldn’t be enough to cover my regrets. My only excuse is that I was in total despair and couldn’t face your kindness any more.’
As the door closed behind him she groaned. Every word of what she’d said had been true, but she’d missed out one thing. She hadn’t told him that under her pillow was a shirt that he’d worn the day before he’d left. There’d been the smell of him on it, and ever since she’d held it while she slept. It was fortunate that he had left her to change her own bed or he might have seen it, and what would he have made of that?
As she emptied the washing-machine and filled it again with the soiled linen and nightwear, she was thinking that the difference in their characters had been what had attracted them to each other in the beginning, and in the end it was what had driven them apart.
In the traumatic summer of three years ago he had soon recovered physically from the operation, but mentally there had been scars that were not healing. His moods had alternated from brisk normality to being totally unapproachable. Loving him as she did, Sallie had understood, but had still felt bound to remind him that Tom Cavanagh had said there was no reason why he shouldn’t father children. That his other testicle was perfectly healthy.
But as time had gone by and no babies had come along, with Sallie menstruating on the dot and Steve always as prickly as a hedgehog, she had begun to feel the strain. It had all come to a head on a dark winter’s day when he’d said that if she’d agreed to them trying for a family when he’d first suggested it, they might have had a child by then.
‘How dare you switch the blame onto me?’ she’d cried. ‘There’s nothing to say I would have become pregnant if I’d done as you asked. No one is to blame, and just in case you’re so wrapped up in your own self-pity that you can’t think of anything else, there are lots of couples in our situation.’
‘I was merely making a comment,’ he’d said tightly. ‘We both know who’s to blame, me, because I no longer have the full equipment. You’d be better off without me. So I’ll do you a favour.’ And as she’d watched aghast he’d slammed into the bedroom, packed a case, grabbed his car keys and had been behind the wheel of his car before she’d gathered her wits.
She’d run out to try and reason with him but it had been no use and even as she’d pleaded with him, he had driven away into the night and out of her life.
When Sallie woke up the next morning after Liam’s stomach upset she was aware of a shadow blotting out the light, and when she raised herself drowsily onto one elbow she saw that Steve was standing beside Liam’s cot, looking down at him.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, relieved that the shirt was nowhere on view.
‘Nothing,’ he replied in a low voice. ‘I was just checking on Liam. He’s still asleep and looks fine. I knocked on the door and when you didn’t answer I thought you might have overslept after his little upset.’
She lay back on the pillows and looked up at him, with the events of the middle of the night crystal clear in her mind. It had been the old Steve who had helped her with Liam, brisk, businesslike and caring. Yet no sooner had she thanked him than she’d given him an angry version of her side of the break-up, without any reference to the misery he had endured during those long childless months after the operation. And now he was reduced to knocking on her bedroom door.
She wasn’t to know that Liam wasn’t the only one he’d been looking at. He had also been observing his wife, her cheeks flushed with sleep, hair splayed out across the pillow, the globes of her breasts rising and falling inside a thin cotton nightdress. He had told himself that he must have been out of his mind to have left her. But he’d been so full of hurt and anger because he’d been unable to give her a child that there had been no reason in him.
‘Take your time,’ he told her. ‘It’s only a quarter to six. I’ve made some tea. Do you want a cup?’
‘Yes, please, but, Steve, before you go, thanks for sorting out the mess that Liam and I were in.’
He flinched. If only Sal could hear herself, he was thinking. It was as if she was talking to a stranger. But, then, maybe that was what she saw him as now. He bent and perched on the side of the bed and she inched away.
‘You don’t need to worry,’ he told her. ‘I’m not going to come on to you while things are how they are between us. If ever that happens again, it will be because you tell me you want me to.’
He was getting to his feet again and before she could reply he went into the kitchen and came back seconds later with the mug of tea. At that moment Liam awoke and lay smiling up at him.
‘You do well to smile, young man,’ he told him gently. ‘Who was it that had us up and about when all decent folk should be asleep?’ He lifted him out of the cot and held him close. ‘You don’t care, do you? All you are bothered about is a dry bottom and a full stomach.’
Liam’s bottom lip was beginning to droop. He was about to start grizzling and they both knew why. The stomach in question was empty after the night’s events.
‘Shall I change him while you see to his breakfast?’ Steve questioned.
She nodded. ‘Yes, and you don’t need to keep asking if it’s all right. I’m grateful for your help.’
He smiled. ‘Having Liam around is a bonus. The last thing I expected was the two of us being involved in this sort of thing when I came back. Is he all right for clothes?’
‘Those that Melanie left are getting a bit small,’ she told him.
‘So why don’t we go shopping at the weekend?’
It was Sallie’s birthday the following week and he knew he was going to have to tread carefully. Maybe if they went into the town together, he might see something to match up with what he’d brought with him.
She hadn’t said yes to his suggestion of going shopping for Liam, but neither had she said no, so he would bide his time. If there was one thing his lonely exile had taught him, it was patience.
His first patient on that second day was Jack Leminson, the builder who did most of the repairs in the village and rarely had cause to step over the threshold of the surgery. But today it was a different matter. He was pale and drawn and when asked what the problem was said, ‘I’ve got the most awful pain in my loin, Doctor. My mates at the pub have been telling me it’ll be a kidney stone, but where would that have come from, and if it is, how do I get rid of it?’
‘So why come to me if you’ve already been told what’s wrong with you?’ Steve said dryly.
Jack managed a weak smile. ‘They were only guessing.’
‘They might have been right, but I prefer to have some evidence before we start making guesses. If you’d like to go to the nurses’ room, they’ll give you a container for a urine sample and once that’s sorted we’ll send it off for analysis.’
When the patient returned, he confirmed to Steve that he’d had trouble passing urine.
‘So, what’s wrong with me?’
‘There are signs that it is a kidney stone, Jack, but it could also be an infection.’
‘But why? I’ve never had anything wrong with my kidneys.’
‘Maybe not, but kidney stones can be caused by extreme dehydration. Have you been perspiring a lot lately? Not drinking enough perhaps?’
‘Hmm.’ Jack thought for a moment! ‘I’ve been working near a boiler house in a factory and it’s been roasting. I’ve been like a grease spot.’
Steve nodded. ‘I’m going to refer you to hospital for X-rays and you may need specialist treatment. In the meantime I’m going to give you some painkillers. Go home to bed, take the tablets as prescribed, and get plenty of liquids down you.’
‘It’s the pain I want to see the end of as much as the stone,’ Jack said, wincing as another spasm gripped him. ‘Those at home won’t believe it when they see me in bed. I’ve never had a day off work in my life.’
‘So you’ve earned one,’ Steve told him. ‘Go and make the most of it. By the way, how’s business.’
Jack smiled. ‘Not bad, not bad at all. I’ve been doing mostly new properties of late. The factory job was a one-off. And speaking of new properties, would you happen to know anybody who’d be interested in buying a piece of land with planning permission to build a detached house on it?’
‘Er…I might. Who does it belong to?’
‘Me. It was my father’s and he never did anything with it.’
“Where is it?’
‘On Bluebell Lane by the riverbank.’
At that moment Steve knew he didn’t want Sallie and himself to live in the apartment for any longer than they had to. It might be convenient, being above the surgery, but the place that Jack was talking about was only a couple of minutes’ walk away. Yet he would be taking a huge risk if he bought the land and had a dream house built on it. Would she see it as a bribe, a peace offering or the fresh start that they both needed?
‘I could be interested,’ he told the builder, and for a moment Jack forgot the pain.
‘Yeah?’ he said in surprise. ‘It’s a gem of a spot. Have a walk down there and see for yourself. I could build you something really special on it.’ As another stab of pain reminded him of why he was there he added, ‘But I’ll have to go home to bed. Keen as I am to make a living, I’m in no fit state at the moment.’
‘There’s no rush,’ Steve told him. ‘I’ll go and have a look at it and get back to you. Is there a for-sale sign on the land?’
‘Yes. You can’t miss it.’
‘Fine. So don’t sell it to anyone else until I’ve viewed it.’
‘I won’t. I promise.’
The thought of building a new home hadn’t occurred to him until the builder had asked if he knew anyone who wanted to buy a plot of land, and immediately he’d seen the merits of the idea. What Sallie would think about it he didn’t know, but the more he thought about it, the more it appealed to him.
He’d stayed in some very average places over the last three years. He hadn’t had to, but he’d been so low in spirits he hadn’t bothered to look around and had taken what had been easily available. So the thought of a beautiful house by the river had caught his imagination and he supposed, if the worst came to the worst, he could live there by himself. But the whole idea was to build a house for Sallie where they could make up for the lost years, if she would let him.
They were going to do the house calls together again, and when he came out of his room after morning surgery Sallie said, ‘There are a few visits to make and the nearest is to Henry Crabtree on Bluebell Lane.’
‘Right,’ he said casually, with the feeling that the fates were pulling his strings. ‘I remember old Henry. What’s the matter with him? I would have thought he’d be pushing up the daisies in the churchyard by now.’
‘No such thing. He’s elderly and becoming frail, but is a long way from being written off. He won the prize for the biggest marrow at the agricultural show last summer and this time he intends entering his tomatoes. The phone call from his daughter was to ask us to visit him as his face is puffy and discoloured.’
Henry Crabtree’s face was a mess, mainly across the bridge of the old man’s nose and on his cheeks. There was a bright red area of raised skin that seemed to consist of blisters and crusted-looking pimples.
‘When did the redness on your face first appear, Henry?’ Sallie asked, after the two doctors had scrutinised the affected area.
‘Yesterday,’ he replied. ‘I’d been feeling poorly for a couple of days with a bad head and vomiting and then this appeared. I wouldn’t have bothered you, but my daughter, Caroline, said she was going to ring you on her way to work.’
‘It is a good job she did,’ Sallie said, and turned to Steve. ‘Are you thinking the same as I am?’
‘Erysipelas?’
‘Yes. All the signs are there.’ Turning to the old man, she said, ‘Have you cut yourself, or had some other kind of open wound recently, Henry?’
The old man nodded. ‘I cut me hand on a piece of glass that was hanging about in the shed. It wasn’t a big cut, but it was deep. I thought nothing of it at the time.’
‘That’s probably the cause,’ she said.
‘What? You’re saying that’s why my face has puffed up?’ Henry said in surprise.
‘Yes. It has given you erysipelas. Are you allergic to penicillin at all?’
‘No, not that I know of.’
Good. I’m going to put you on a penicillin-type medicine that should clear it up in a week or so. We’ll drop the prescription off at the chemist’s for you, and they will deliver it.’
‘Thank you, Doctor,’ Henry said gratefully. ‘And if you don’t mind my saying so, it’s good to see you two together again. It was a sight for sore eyes when I saw you both coming up the path.’
Sallie smiled but didn’t comment, and it seemed as if Steve hadn’t heard. He was gazing intently out of the window. The building plot was next to Henry’s cottage, and when they came out and Sallie saw the for-sale notice with planning permission she exclaimed, ‘Somebody will soon snap this up! What a beautiful spot to build a house, with the river at the far end of the plot and fields at the front and side.’ Her expression became dreamy. ‘If it was mine I would build it from local stone, with all of it at ground level, and big windows and a green roof. And I’d have a lily pond and a gazebo in the garden.’
‘Yes, well, there’s nothing to stop you from wishing,’ Steve said. ‘This is one of the most beautiful spots in the village. Whoever ends up living here will be very fortunate.’
‘I agree. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to live here,’ she said as they walked back to the car.
You are going to have the opportunity, my beautiful Sallie, he thought. But when you discover who has bought the land, you might not be so keen. Because he was going to buy it. If he hadn’t been certain before, he was now, having heard her describe the kind of house she would like.
Bluebell Lane was one of the prettiest parts of the village. Not far from the centre, yet quiet and secluded, with just a farm at the far end and Henry’s cottage at the beginning. It was the perfect spot to build a dream home, but he would look a fool if Sallie refused to share it with him.
He hadn’t forgotten her outburst of the night before. She’d made no secret of her hurt and he couldn’t blame her. In that other life before he’d gone away, she would never have edged away from him as she had that morning when he’d perched on the side of the bed.
Buy the land, build the house, and see what develops, a voice inside him was saying. Your relationship with Sally has reached rock bottom. It can only improve.
When they arrived back at the surgery he went into his consulting room and, shutting the door behind him, rang Jack Leminson. His wife answered, and she said, ‘He’s followed your instructions, Dr Beaumont, and gone to bed, but if you’ll hang on for a moment I’ll tell him to pick up the bedside phone.’
‘I want the land, Jack,’ Steve told him without preamble, ‘and I want you to build me a house on it, but on one condition—that my wife knows nothing about it until it is finished.’
‘You have a deal,’ the builder said. ‘As soon as I’m back in circulation we can meet up and sort out the details. What sort of a house did you have in mind?’
‘All at ground level, local stone, green roof, lily pond, gazebo…’
‘Hey, steady on, Doc,’ Jack said laughingly. ‘The only stone I’m interested in at the moment is the one that I’m trying to get rid of.’
‘So do as I said,’ Steve reminded him. ‘Bed rest, lots of drinks and we’ll see what the hospital says.’
It was another rash major decision he’d made, he was thinking as he went up to the apartment for a quick lunch with Sallie. But he felt deep down that this time it was going to be the right one, and if it turned out to be that it wasn’t, that Sallie had had enough of him, then he would have to do his utmost to prove to her how much he wanted to make matters right between them again.
Living upstairs could be claustrophobic, and the thought of a spacious stone house on Bluebell Lane was the stuff that dreams were made of. But all his dreams centred around his wife, and if she could see this in the same way that he did, as a new beginning, a means of blotting out the last three years, he would rejoice.
She was already up there, chatting to Hannah and cuddling Liam.
‘Hello, Steve,’ the woman who was keeping their domestic ship afloat said cheerfully. ‘There’s soup warming and some sandwiches in the kitchen.’
‘Thanks Hannah,’ he said with a smile, and Sallie looked at him questioningly. He was his old self again for a moment, breezing into the kitchen with a decisive step. Something had pleased him and she wondered what it was.
Steve had been sombre at breakfast, which was not surprising after the happenings of the night before, and her reaction when he’d sat on the bed early that morning. But something must have gone right since.
Towards the end of the week she said casually, ‘There are two things I need to ask you, Steve.’
‘What are they?’
‘Do you really want to be there when I buy a complete new wardrobe for Liam, and can we do one of the house calls together as I need your opinion?’
‘Yes, in reply to both questions,’ he said immediately. ‘I can’t remember when last I did any pleasure shopping…And who is the patient?’
‘Elizabeth Drury. Do you remember her? Lizzie lives in Lilac Cottage on the main street. She recently had an operation and the wound isn’t healing. It looks inflamed and the hospital has referred her to the local clinic to have it dressed daily.’
‘And the clinic thinks it might be MRSA.’
‘Hmm. I think it’s unlikely, but I’m not happy about her being treated there. I feel that the hospital might be shirking its responsibility. But the trouble is, I’ve never seen MRSA. Have you?’
‘Only once. A guy came to me with a very nasty sore on his back, and I mean nasty. It looked almost gangrenous. It turned out that he’d been in hospital for some weeks, had picked up the infection in a bed sore and it had shown itself a couple of days after he was discharged.
‘Before I’d gathered my wits he’d developed pneumonia and, not willing to take any chances, I had him back in hospital smartish, and that was the diagnosis—methicillin resistant staphylococcus aureus, MRSA. He recovered eventually but it was very serious for a while. So lead on to Mrs Drury and we’ll see what’s happening there.’
Lizzie Drury was not someone to make a fuss and when she saw the two doctors on her doorstep she laughed and said, ‘Is this what they mean when they talk about a second opinion?’
Sallie smiled. ‘Yes, it is. I’ve brought Steve along to have a look at your leg, Lizzie.’
‘They’ve put an elastic stocking on and it feels a bit tight,’ she told them, as she bent down to take it off.
Steve didn’t touch the infected area but he scrutinised it carefully for some minutes and then, turning to Sallie, said, ‘The skin is very thin on that part of the leg. That could be why the wound isn’t healing as it should.’ He asked Lizzie, ‘Has anyone mentioned MRSA to you?’
She shook her head. ‘No, but I have wondered.’
‘I’d have a word with the clinic to see what they have to say,’ he told Sallie. ‘They will have been told what the problem is. If they are treating Mrs Drury for MRSA, you as her GP should be informed. Somehow I don’t think it is the superbug. They would want to contain it where it was found, but I can understand your concern.
‘The elastic stocking is all right as long as it doesn’t affect circulation. They perhaps think the flesh will knit together better if it is held firmly in place, but for your own peace of mind ring the clinic.’
She nodded. ‘Yes. I’ll do that. Possibly you are right and the healing process is slow because the skin is so thin there. But I still don’t like the idea of Lizzie’s problem being the hospital’s fault and yet they aren’t seeing her in Outpatients.’
She lowered her voice. ‘It’s a wonder she isn’t thinking of taking legal action.’ She looked over at the old lady, who was now replacing the elastic stocking and smiled. ‘Lizzie is a lovely woman. She told me that the hospital needs its money for more important things than paying out for a sore on her leg, which I thought was amazing in this world of claims and lawsuits for every little thing.’
As they drove away from Lilac Cottage, Steve suggested, ‘Ring the clinic now and see what they have to say. I’ll be interested to know.’
She did as he’d suggested and when the call was finished told him, ‘There’s been no mention of MRSA, according to the clinic nurse I spoke to. It would seem that the reason why Lizzie has been referred there is because of her age and the frailty of her skin. The hospital is admitting liability and don’t want her having to travel into town every day for dressings. Even if she’s picked up by ambulance, it would still be traumatic and very tiring for her, whereas the clinic is only at the other end of the village. But, needless to say, I’m going to keep my eye on that leg of hers.’
He nodded. ‘Good thinking. And now, next on the agenda—clothes for Liam. And I intend to foot the bill. I wasn’t there for Melanie when she needed me, so all the more reason for me to do my share now. So Saturday we go shopping. Right?’
‘If that’s OK for you. There are a few things I need to get for myself, too.’
‘Likewise,’ he agreed, and wondered just how his birthday gift to Sallie was going to be looked upon.
As Steve put Liam’s foldaway pram into the boot of his car on Saturday morning Sallie stood watching with the baby in her arms. This was unreal, she was thinking. The two of them going shopping with this delightful child that they loved so much and who wasn’t theirs even though it felt so right. She knew that Steve felt the same way she did. That it wasn’t going to last for ever and they should cherish every moment he was with them.
He’d closed the car boot and was turning towards them and when he saw her expression he said, ‘What? Why so serious? Is anything wrong?’
Ever since she’d appeared at breakfast-time with Liam in her arms and had found that he’d cooked for them and prepared the baby’s bottle, she’d been able to sense that he was really looking forward to the day ahead and had told herself not to spoil it.
Yes, things were uncertain but she had to move on, and had vowed that she would try to stop harking back to the past. It was gone, and miraculously the future was slowly taking shape, though she still didn’t want to be rushed.
She smiled and he thought how beautiful she was when she was happy.
‘Nothing is wrong,’ she told him. ‘I was just thinking how much we both love Liam.’
Steve had an answering smile of his own. ‘You bet. It will be a sad day for us when Melanie comes back to claim him, so let’s make the most of it.’ And they did.
In the children’s department of a large store in the nearest town they bought day- and nightwear in various sizes and colours to allow for the baby’s growth, and for the first time since Steve’s return Sallie felt at ease with him as he stood beside her with Liam in his arms.
When they had finished he said, ‘What about the shopping you need to do for yourself? Or shall we have lunch first? I see they have an attractive-looking bistro over there.’
‘Yes, let’s eat first, before Liam decides he’s hungry. Then I’ll do my shopping while you push him around the store, if that’s all right.’
He laughed. ‘Of course it’s all right. I could do that for ever. Though it doesn’t rate as high as feeding time, cuddling time and bathtime.’
Her glance was tender. Every time she saw Steve with Liam, the memory of the depth of his longing for a child, and the extent of his devastation in those awful months after he’d had cancer, came back.
When they met up again after she’d done her shopping he said, ‘Liam is getting hungry. If you’d like to feed him I have a couple of things to get myself.’
‘Sure,’ she said easily. ‘I’ll be on the seat over there when you come back.’
He wanted to buy her a pair of amber earrings for her birthday. The jeweller’s they had passed earlier had the style that he wanted. The purchase was soon made and within minutes he was back where he’d left her.
They headed back for home in the middle of the afternoon, with Liam asleep and Sallie and Steve lapsing into silence as they each thought their own thoughts. It wasn’t long before the village came into view and it was time to unload their purchases and hope that the peace of the day would continue.
But when night-time came, nothing had changed. They went to their separate beds and Steve thought that a few hours of happiness weren’t going to change that. The day when Sallie held out her arms to him and asked him to make love to her was going to be a long time coming.
While in the bedroom across the landing she was lying wide awake with his shirt in her arms and wishing that it could be him.