N CLASSIC FILMS, parties of every kind are elegant soirées filled with impeccably dressed men and women enjoying cocktails, meeting new people, and falling in love. Or, in the case of Breakfast at Tiffany’s, a riotous scene with the hostess plunked down in the middle having a fabulous time, being just as wild as her guests.
As part of being a stylist, I attend a lot of parties. Each week, I go to anywhere from four to six parties, from fashion and entertainment-industry affairs to events hosted by friends and family. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to gatherings. I’ve been to black-tie events where the music was too loud, there was barely any food, and the room was too dark—as well as low-key soirées where the lighting was perfect, the music ambient, and the food delicious.
I miss the days when everyone knew how to put together an elegant gathering and be a gracious guest. Just fifty or sixty years ago, any woman could put together a nice dinner party—even on the fly—and knew how déclassé it was not to show up after RSVPing yes to an event. But in today’s world, entertainment etiquette seems tossed out the window, along with the idea that yoga pants are not just for yoga. (But, they are!)
Let’s Party
UST AS WITH AN OUTFIT OR HOME DÉCOR, the difference between OK and OMG great for an event is presentation and packaging. By taking into consideration what your guests will expect, want, and need, you’ll make a fabulous impression that people will talk about.
In today’s world, there are tons of different parties you could potentially have. Whether your event is an informal backyard picnic or a formal wedding reception, most of the same rules about being a generous host and a gracious guest still apply. This isn’t a party book, so I’m not going to describe and detail every possible party you could ever have or attend. I will instead concentrate on the two most common parties people (and movie stars) host at home: dinner parties and cocktail parties.
Every party starts with an invitation. When creating an invitation, carefully consider who your guests are and what their lifestyle is like. Be as exact as possible about the date, time, location, dress code, and any special instructions on what you’d like your guests to bring, wear, or consider before coming to your party (including any specifics on directions, parking, or food).
When setting a time for your event, it’s crucial to keep in mind what would be appropriate and convenient for your guests’ schedule. For instance, if you plan to invite families (both parents and kids), an afternoon event is much more considerate than a party that lasts well into the evening—whereas a party with your young, single friends could be set much later at night.
It’s also important to be aware of how long you expect the party to last. Many people make an all-too-common mistake of offering a huge span of time for their parties, such as 7:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. That’s a crazy amount of time! The hosts are trying to be flexible, but often this ends up being a mistake. If you have a large window for the party, guests have no idea when others will arrive. No one wants to be at a party alone!
Narrowing the window of time for your party to three or four hours encourages guests to show up around the same time as one another—creating a more populated and fun party—and encourages your guests to reserve their entire evening for your event.
The main difference between a dinner party and a cocktail party is that a full dinner is served at the former, whereas a cocktail party is exactly that: cocktails with snacks or hors d’oeuvres. A hard-and-fast rule of mine is that snacks must be served at any soirée. I think it’s rude to invite people over without food being offered (perhaps because I’m Greek and we love food).
Be wary of the dinner hour unless you’re hosting an actual dinner party. Part of being a great host is making the event as easy to attend as possible for your guests. In addition to being mindful about what you’re planning to serve for food—because every party needs nosh—schedule your event so that guests will clearly know whether to eat afterward or beforehand. If you plan on serving “heavy hors d’oeuvres” or something equivalent to a meal, say so on the invitation. Keep in mind that the dinner “hour” takes place roughly between 7:00 and 9:00 p.m., though this varies upon your age, lifestyle, and where you live.
Once again, it’s important to consider who will be attending and when they typically eat. If you’re not serving hearty food, it’s safest to schedule the party to take place either before or after the dinner hour. In places like New York and Los Angeles, where dinner is typically served between 7:30 and 8:30 p.m., starting a party at 6:00 or at 9:00 is wise; elsewhere, earlier or later may be better.
What you are planning to serve should be included on the invitation. Telling your guests what to expect regarding food makes your party easier to schedule and more comfortable to attend. This applies to location as well—if your home or the venue is tricky to find, has limited parking, or could otherwise inconvenience your guests, be sure to let them know. For instance, I’ve been to a few events held at glorious estates or amazing parks. Sure, that sounds great, but not if you’re a woman in heels! The beautiful surroundings are contrasted with ladies trying to pull their stilettos out of the grass with each step, making the event much less elegant and affecting the entire mood of the party. You’re not exactly going to be cheery if you just ruined a pair of Louboutins or twisted your ankle. In that particular case, the invitation should have included a warning that the event would take place on grass, thus tipping off women to wear wedges or flats, not stiletto heels. This rule particularly applies to outdoor or beach weddings.
Essentially, a host wants to avoid anything at his or her party that could even remotely create frustration or confusion, whether it’s a guest getting lost, not being able to find parking, or wearing the wrong shoes. At parties, just as in life, the first impression is what lasts.
Once you have the party’s venue, timing, and special considerations for location on the invitation, you should consider the attire for the event. If you don’t specify a certain type of attire, guests will come as casual or as elegant as they want (which can be good or bad, depending on your guest list!).
Répondez s’il vous plaît
IN THE PAST, it was standard to include a dress code and a RSVP date on any invitation—and although many people have let this part of etiquette go, I think we should work to bring it back. If you get an invitation with an RSVP, respond immediately (or at the very least, within a day or two—anything beyond that is rude). It’s not only kind to the host—who has an idea of what she wants her event to be like, and needs to know how many people are coming—but makes every event more fun to get ready for and attend.
If You Are Hosting …
FTER INVITATIONS FOR YOUR PARTY ARE SENT, the prep work begins. In addition to thoroughly cleaning your home (or paying a cleaning service to do it), you should create a shopping list for everything you need. If it’s your first time hosting a party or you haven’t entertained in a while, it could be helpful to visit a home-goods store. As I’ve mentioned, great design is available at every price point, and that’s especially true when it comes to dishes, flatware, and glasses for entertaining. Places like IKEA, West Elm, HomeGoods, CB2, and many other stores offer dishes for entertaining that are surprisingly inexpensive. There’s no need to spend tons of money on entertaining ware, whether it’s china or wineglasses, because there are less expensive options—and frankly, not many of us need fancy goblets or multiple china patterns.
A few years ago I bought about forty water goblets and medium-sized glasses (which work for highball cocktails and wine) at IKEA for around thirty dollars and stored them in a not-so-reachable part of my kitchen. Whenever I host a party, I get out a ladder, pull all those glasses out, and use them! The glasses work for every kind of drink, so I don’t have to fetch different kinds of glasses for various guests, and because of how cheap they were, I don’t worry if any of them break. After the party, I wash the glasses in the dishwasher, haul out the ladder again, and put them back in the cabinet. Chic and cheap!
At a certain point in your life, using plastic becomes tacky, especially since party glasses have become so inexpensive. My rule is that you shouldn’t use cheap plastic at a party unless it’s part of the theme and used with irony.
When I receive a plastic cup at a party, I instantly receive the message that the host does not care. He doesn’t want to have to deal with having to get me a glass, clean up afterward, or present his home in an elegant way. And while that’s fine for some people, it certainly isn’t movie-star chic. So if you want to be elegant and entertain like a starlet, ditch the plastic and get some glasses!
In advance of a scheduled party, it’s always handy to have a wide variety of sodas, liquors, wine, and beer available for your guests. Though you can assume many people will bring beverages to your party, it’s best to be prepared.
In addition to alcohol, having food on hand is key. Stores like Trader Joe’s or Costco are great resources for inexpensive bites that can be ready in a flash. Any appetizer that can be popped in the microwave or oven or can otherwise be made and presented within a fifteen-minute window is ideal for entertaining. Crudités, nuts, olives, cheeses, crackers, and dips are all wise choices for parties. Fresh is always best, but in a pinch, there are frozen options.
On long fashion shoots, we often have craft-table service all day. So not only are there snacks on hand, there are also appetizers being passed. Once, I had a chicken satay so delicious that I had to ask where the caterer got it from—and the server discreetly whispered to me, “Don’t tell anyone, but it’s from Costco!” This was another instance that showed how, just as with fashion, chic can be cheap when it comes to party food.
A “party” can suddenly appear out of nowhere. You’re out with friends and the bar closes, or you decide to go somewhere quieter to talk with your best friends, book club, or a date. If you follow my instructions and prep your kitchen and bar beforehand, you’ll be able to confidently offer up your home as a venue—and voilà, instant party!
Inviting guests to your home unexpectedly and then having everything they desire—a few different drink options and hot appetizers ready to pop into the oven or microwave—will really make an impression. You’ll be seen as an exceptional hostess prepared for everything, because you are.
The most convenient time to make sure your kitchen and bar are prepped for an unexpected party is when you’re preparing for an actual scheduled event. But even if you don’t have a party coming up, it’s never the wrong time to buy a few bottles, store some mixers, and go a little crazy in the freezer aisle at Trader Joe’s. After all, tomorrow night might present an opportunity for an impromptu party!
Presentation is all about the packaging, so never serve dips or appetizers in their original containers. This is what entertaining dishes are for! Create a central area for food and drinks (usually situated in or near the kitchen) with some additional snacks placed around the other areas you want guests to be in. It’s nice to have different dishes at varying heights on a table. Offering snacks in a few small bowls—that you refill when empty—is more classy than putting everything you have in a giant bowl. There’s always something a little gross about a giant bowl of nuts or vat of olives. If you have to use a big container for some reason, provide tongs or a serving spoon in order to avoid everyone’s fingers touching the food.
Once you have the food and the drinks figured out, it’s time to set the mood. Lighting is key! For any party, but especially cocktail and dinner parties, you want a sexy nightclub vibe—your home shouldn’t look grocery-store bright. I can’t tell you how many chic celebrity homes I go to where the lights are turned up rather than down—such an easily avoided mistake! Your home, especially when you are throwing a party, is a place to relax—not the surface of the sun. You wouldn’t stay at a bar or restaurant that had bright lights inside, would you? Of course not! I have the same philosophy for homes.
As a general rule, aim for at least three sources of lighting in every room (minus the kitchen, unless you have an open-plan apartment or home). Some of you might be thinking: How do I get that many lights? It’s actually very easy.
Side lighting—such as art lighting or wall sconces—is really the best for creating a relaxing, cozy mood in a home. Floor lamps and table lamps are also great soft sources of light. Many lamps have three-way switches so you can control the amount of light, though attaching dimmers to lamps is another easy option. It’s also chic—and very French—to have a bit of gold foil inside a lampshade, which creates a golden glow throughout the room.
The very best thing I ever bought for my home is a remote control for a pair of lamps I have. With just one click of a button, both lights come on—and if you hold the button down, the light can be brighter or dimmer in a second! That, coupled with the ability to control my sound system with my iPhone, makes me feel like I’m living in Rock Hudson’s lair from a Doris Day movie.
If you don’t have the budget to buy all-new lamps, adding candlelight is the most inexpensive way to create a romantic, flattering glow for any room. Everyone loves candlelight! It will make any occasion feel special. Candlelight is the most forgiving light possible. It hides scuffs on the wall, makes everyone appear younger and more attractive, and is inexpensive to buy and replace. You can buy a hundred votive candles and small glass holders for a few dollars. For a fun, eclectic look, buy a bunch of different colors and styles; votive holders don’t have to match. Be sure to also buy a long lighter; it’s the easiest and safest way to light a bunch of candles.
Candlelight can really transform a space. Once, I went to a party at this beautiful lounge in Los Angeles, which had gorgeous velvet-covered banquettes, perfectly painted dark gray walls, polished old-fashioned wood floors, and tons of candlelight. I loved the décor so much that I had to go back—but when I returned it was daytime. The lounge had a totally different feel, and it was not good. In bright light, this place was disgusting! The velvet was filthy, the walls were grimy, and the floors were covered in all sorts of gross stuff. The candlelight had made a massive difference in how everyone saw the space—because the dim lighting hid all its flaws. Candles (and to some extent, dimmer lighting overall) can do the same for your home.
Many of my friends book restaurants and bars as party venues, especially for birthdays and big occasions. If you decide to host a party outside your home, be sure to indicate whether guests will have to pay for drinks (cash bar or not), and if so, be considerate about how much a drink costs. For instance, going to a bar that charges fifteen dollars per drink is rude if your guests tend to be on a tight budget, whereas going to that same bar later on in life, when your friends have careers that pay well, is totally appropriate.
It’s considerate and kind to make sure the bar or restaurant you choose is affordable for everyone who will be attending. There are great bar and restaurant options at every price point. Many establishments will allow you to come up with a couple of specialty cocktails or types of drinks you’ll provide (with anything other than those drinks being paid for by guests). You can also arrange for an open bar during the first hour of a party and then switch to a cash bar for the rest of the evening. There’s nothing wrong with either of those options, unless everyone knows that you can afford to pay for everything—then you’re just being cheap.
A big advantage to having a party outside your home is that other people are doing the work for you, pouring drinks, and serving food. However, leaving the host duties to others comes with different responsibilities for you, like making sure that your contract or agreement with the venue covers exactly what you want and what you expect your guests to want or need. If you decide to do an open bar for an hour or only pay for certain drinks, you should specify in advance the maximum dollar amount you want to spend so there are no surprises. It’s also important that if the service becomes lackluster at any point, as the actual host of the party you shouldn’t hesitate to take the manager or waiters aside to quietly correct it. After all, you’re the customer!
Because most people don’t attend a ton of formal events—and I do—friends and fans often ask me to define types of attire. Since every movie star worth her salt knows what each of these terms mean, so should you.
Business Casual
This depends on what your business is, but typically it’s either what you wear to work on an average day or what you would wear to a nice (but not Michelin-starred) restaurant on a date. For women (and men), dressy jeans with a great blazer is perfect. In many creative fields, this is often a mix of casual and cocktail looks.
Casual
Pretty much anything goes. This is really defined by your own personal style, but when I see “casual attire” on an invite, I wear the same outfit as I would to drinks with a colleague or friend or date I want to impress. This outfit should be more fashionable and festive than your average Tuesday, but it’s definitely not couture.
Semiformal
This can vary, but semiformal or informal is more fancy than business casual but less flashy than cocktail attire. (If you’re unsure, overdress.) Semiformal for men is typically a dark evening suit with a tie—you can spruce up any man’s outfit with a tie—and women typically wear knee-length dresses or simplistic gowns. Semiformal dresses for women are not nearly as sparkly, fancy, or short as cocktail dresses. Think simple and elegant.
Cocktail Attire
Cocktail wear is the middle ground between casual and formalwear. It has some elements of formality, but it’s not black tie. For women, this is a cocktail-length or mini-length dress with great shoes and accessories. Men could wear a casual suit, or better yet, a tailored blazer with a tie and dark jeans. When I go to a party in cocktail attire, I almost always wear a necktie. It instantly dresses up any man’s look. Women should feel free to be sparkly when cocktail attire is requested.
This is formalwear, plain and simple. Men should wear a tuxedo, and women should wear a gown or a very dressy and embellished tea-length dress. Women should not wear a minidress, or even a cocktail dress, no matter how embellished or “dressy” the piece is.
Adjective Attire
Where attire gets tricky is when people add words to the traditional definitions. For instance, “creative black tie” means that guests are invited and expected to have fun with their fashion. For men, creative black tie can get a little hokey, but typically I wear a tuxedo jacket with a white shirt, black tie, jeans, and nice black shoes. Women should go all out with their dresses. Most often, though, I see the word “festive” added to the dress code. Ahem, you’re automatically going to be festively dressed—it’s a party! But this really means that the hosts are asking you to put extra effort into your outfit so their event is more of a “to do” and—dare I say it—festive.
When a host or hostess (or you) adds other words to standard attire definitions, such as “beach formal,” it’s awkward for guests because the dress code isn’t defined. As a host, it’s best to stick with the terms people know or can Google. Otherwise, you risk people dressing every which way or having to answer a zillion questions about what people should wear. On the other hand, if you receive an invitation with an odd dress code, it’s safest to follow the main term (i.e., the “formal” in “beach formal”) or ask your host what he or she will be wearing. In my opinion, invitations should be clear enough so you don’t have to ask your host what to wear, but it’s not a perfect world!
One last word about attire: Optional is not an option. Either it’s black tie or it’s not. As a host, either you tell your guests what to wear or you don’t. Adding the word “optional” or “preferred” after a dress code is a waste of time, because it’s a halfway response. It’s like saying “RSVP Optional” or “RSVP Preferred”—do you need to know if people are coming or not? Though it may seem rude to “require” your guests to wear a certain kind of clothing, it’s really not. If you want your event to be formal, specify that the dress code is formal or black tie. If you don’t care, then you don’t care. Ultimately, you’re the host, and it’s your party, so you determine what you want the style of attire to be. Period.
In addition to the right lighting, music is also important. It should be at a volume level where people are aware of it and can hear it, but not so loud you have to shout over it. It’s easy to create playlists using online services like Spotify, Pandora, and Rdio or the “Genius” tool on iTunes. Pick a song you love that captures the mood of your party, and there will be a way to start a playlist based off that song. Voilà, instant DJ! You don’t necessarily need to hire someone to have great music at your party. All you need is a computer, tablet, or mp3 player.
It’s important to figure out what music you’re playing a day or two in advance, so you can make sure the playlist you’ve created “builds”—from a mellow start to a more crazy or beat-heavy mix later on—just like your party will.
An hour or two before the party starts, set the scene: Get the music cued up, set out the room-temp food and drinks, and pour yourself a cocktail before your guests arrive.
Party Time
NCE YOUR GUESTS BEGIN ARRIVING, the show is on! The most important thing you can do when guests walk in the door is to get the drinks flowing. Whether you imbibe or not, we are adults, and alcohol is fun. If your guests partake, get them a drink immediately. If they don’t, get them a nonalcoholic beverage immediately. Everything in moderation, of course, but get your guests drinking!
If you tend to feel overwhelmed by your host duties and serving alcohol at the same time, feel free to hire a bartender. It’s often well worth the cost to have someone in charge of mixing and serving drinks to your guests so you can actually enjoy your own party.
Organically, most parties tend to cluster around where the food and drinks are—typically in the kitchen. At a cocktail party, people will sit wherever there’s a seat available—but most people will expect to stand.
That’s why most of the food for a cocktail party should be appetizers, hors d’oeuvres, or finger food—anything that can be either held in one hand or eaten off a small plate. In fact, appetizers—particularly passed appetizers—should be eatable in one bite. That not only avoids the juggling act people do when they are holding both a drink and an appetizer in their hands, but it also avoids any potential mess that comes from that juggling act not being completely perfect.
Again, it’s important to keep your guests in mind. If you know that some guests have been on their feet all day at work or are older, you’ll want to have more seating. If your guests are young or sat around in an office or at home all day, just a few seats will be fine.
There will always be guests who know each other—these are your friends, after all—and some who don’t. When introducing guests who don’t know each other, it’s important to indicate their relationship status. For instance, rather than introducing a married couple simply as “my friends,” you should introduce them as “my friend Ben and his wife, Sarah” or “my friend Stephen and his partner, Dave” (depending on sexuality, obviously). Be sure to cover your bases, so you can avoid awkward situations!
If I think my guests might have something in common professionally or personally, I would introduce them and be sure to mention that. For instance, I could introduce a magazine editor friend to a photographer I think she would enjoy working with. I think the best professional connections start with clicking socially. Even hobbies or a common background—both of you love biking or are from New York—can give your guests something extra to talk about (in addition to your fabulous party). Just be sure to make these introductions as nonchalant as you can. It’s not chic to make your guests feel like they’re being “worked” or that, worse yet, someone is only talking to them to “network.” (I have to admit a big part of my business is done while entertaining, and I often get clients by meeting them at a party. But I don’t try to sell myself or be disingenuous. I simply talk to interesting people, and if they want to hire me, great! But I don’t try to work the person I’m with, or network just for the sake of networking. And if I feel like I’m on the receiving end of someone trying to do either of those things, I find a way to end that conversation!)
Some people are great at making new friends and starting conversations with strangers, while others simply aren’t. By paying attention and gauging your guests’ personalities and comfort levels, you can match one with the other (or pair extroverted people together) to make sure conversation gets rolling.
If you have a mix of people who know and don’t know each other, it can help to limit the space that the party is in. The most fun parties I’ve ever hosted or been to have always been a teeny bit overcrowded. You can have a number of people in a smaller space and have the party feel popular, whereas that same number of people in a large area can feel sparse and not as fun. Even though I love my house, I sort of miss my one-bedroom apartment sometimes, because the parties I had there had a more intimate feeling.
Last but not least, don’t be afraid to hire some help. Valets for parking, bartenders for drinks, and servers for food can often be well worth the money! Whether it’s a friend serving as cohost or a cute guy serving up drinks, having a bit of assistance can often make the party more fun for your guests and, more important, for you! As a host, you work hard putting a soirée together, and it should be a blast for you as well. If you aren’t having any fun at your own party, then guests won’t be either. It also helps give the impression that your home is a chic, sexy spot. And remember—always have the number for a cab service at the ready in case some of your guests enjoy your party a little too much …
Though most of the rules are the same for cocktail and dinner parties, the latter has a few special caveats. If you’re planning a dinner party, you need to make sure that there is enough seating for all the guests who have RSVPed or that you expect to come, whether those guests will be seated at your dining table or will be eating from their laps throughout your space. If you’re serving a buffet-style dinner, you should immaculately set the table and create a central location close by for food and drinks, with a clear path for the guests to follow (so that serving is quick and easy, not confusing).
If you are doing a seated dinner party, I suggest using place cards and separating dates and friends. Mixing couples, singles, and people who don’t know each other encourages conversation among the whole table rather than within twos and threes seated next to each other.
Personally, I love dinner parties, but I think hosting a seated dinner all by yourself can be difficult. If you want to be the chef at your dinner party, a buffet-style event may be more manageable, though you can certainly hire a personal chef or caterers and waiters for the evening to make your seated dinner a truly special occasion. I used to think hiring a personal chef was expensive—but was surprised to find out that many are completely affordable and often are cheaper than taking your friends out to a restaurant.
Be a Gracious Guest
N THE FLIP SIDE, being a guest tends to be much easier than being a host. First of all, your duties are rather limited. You simply have to show up when you say you will, make sure to bring a hostess gift—and above all else, be utterly charming!
Don’t bring your bad mood to a party. About fifteen years ago, I attended a party when I felt really glum—so glum I didn’t even try to hide it! When I made a comment to an older friend about my mood, he gave me the best advice for parties ever: Show up in a great mood, or stay home! It’s a party; no one wants to hear it—and if you’re a constant downer, you won’t be invited back!
So leave the stressful work at the office, and the drama at home. It’s tough to leave for a party in a blah mood, but I find that once you actually get there, it’s an instant mood changer because it’s a party! (Also, a shot of vodka on your way out the door never hurts.)
Different parties require different things. If it’s a dinner party—especially seated—if you RSVPed yes, your butt had better be there. For a cocktail or informal party, the RSVP (if there is one) is a little less strict. However, you should be as considerate as a guest as you would be as a host. So if you say you will be there, show up—or let your host know why you can’t be (and the excuse had better be good). If you don’t know for sure, say that. If you can’t attend, send regrets.
When you do attend the party, be sure to bring along a hostess gift as a thank-you for being invited. Liquor or wine is always a safe choice, especially since the host or hostess may end up needing—and using—it that very evening! It’s fine to put the bottle in a gift bag, but I find wrapping a hostess gift to be wasteful and completely unnecessary. When you arrive at the party, the first thing you should do is to find your host or hostess and present them with the bottle. Get the credit you’re due for being a gracious guest by saying hi and making sure the host knows you brought something. If you don’t want to bring alcohol, a scented candle or a bouquet of flowers is completely appropriate. (Essentially, any universally liked gift is OK.)
If you are a close friend of the host or hostess, it’s very kind and considerate to send her or him a message on the day of the party asking if there’s anything specific you can bring. Often, the hostess will know what might be missing from her kitchen—or have an idea of which liquor might be the first to run dry. Saving the host’s day can be as simple as picking up some limes or a bag of ice on your way over. It’s so easy for you, and it will take a huge load off the host’s shoulders.
When it’s time to leave, consider the scope and scale of the event. If it’s a big party, then it’s totally OK to take what is called a French exit by Americans, an English exit by the French, and an Irish good-bye by everyone—that is, to slip out without saying good-bye. You don’t want to attract attention or show that people are leaving the party (because it could encourage others to leave), but you can still thank the host the next day by sending a quick note or e-mail. On the other hand, if the party is small you should be sure to thank and say goodbye to your host. If you are a gracious and charming guest, you are sure to be invited back! 
