Determined not to let Lily fret over the visit with Dr. Frank, Mia kept the little girl busy with games and puzzles during the flight to Toronto.
“You thought of everything,” Caleb said when Lily’s head nodded onto his shoulder and she fell asleep. “She hasn’t had time to worry.”
“That was the goal.” Mia tucked the computer Lily had used in her bag.
“It hasn’t stopped me worrying,” Caleb admitted. “What happens if he can’t do anything for her? What if—”
“Caleb.” Mia reached across Lily and threaded her hand in his. The touch made her stomach wobble, but she held on anyway. This was not the time to let her personal feelings get in the way. This was the time to join together and support this little girl. “This morning I read a scripture. ‘The Lord will provide.’ Let’s hang on to that.”
He squeezed her hand. “I am continually shamed by the strength of your faith.”
“Shamed?” she asked, pleased by the compliment but too aware of her own personal struggles to trust God, of her ache to hold her own child when she knew that wasn’t His will. “Part of being in God’s family means supporting each other.”
Mia drew her hand away. Contact with Caleb always made her wish for more, but she simply couldn’t imagine ever again depending on another man. It felt utterly humiliating to remember how she’d been hoodwinked by Harlan and hadn’t even suspected it, to recall her blind obedience to his edicts as if she had no mind of her own when all the time he’d been using her to get the inheritance her mother had left. Bella had summarized the totality of his nefarious schemes on the phone last night, leaving Mia feeling stupidly naive.
But at least she’d learned from her miserable marriage. She’d learned to listen to the still, small voice inside her. She’d learned to ask questions, a lot of questions, and to look for answers from more than one person. Most of all she’d learned that the freedom of choice was worthy of staying independent. So far anyway.
“Wake up, sweetheart. We’re landing now.” Caleb brushed Lily’s cheek with his knuckles and smiled when her long dark lashes lifted. “Is your seat belt fastened?”
“Uh-huh.” Lily peered at him, trust glowing in her dark blue eyes. “Will it hurt, Uncle Caleb?”
“I don’t think it will hurt today. The doctor just wants to look at your leg to see if he can help you,” Caleb explained.
“What if he can’t, Uncle Caleb?”
Mia’s heart broke as shadows moved into Caleb’s silver eyes. He opened his mouth but clearly had no words, so when he looked to her, she smiled at him and then Lily.
“You mean what if he can’t fix your leg?” Mia said softly.
Lily nodded. “I’ll be the same then, won’t I?” she asked.
“I don’t know. None of knows what God has planned for us, honey.” Mia cupped the child’s chin in her palm. “Six months ago I didn’t even imagine I’d be living at Riverbend. But God had other plans. We have to trust that He’ll do what’s best for us because He loves us so much. Can you do that?” she asked as the plane taxied to the terminal.
“I’ll try.” Lily’s shoulders straightened.
Mia’s heart bumped with pride as the little girl moved regally down the aisle and out of the plane. Though people turned to watch her, it wasn’t her limp they were looking at. It was Lily’s beautiful smile. Most of them smiled back.
So did Dr. Frank. It took less than half an hour to reach the hospital thanks to a very capable cab driver. They were immediately shown into a room where Dr. Frank probed and pressed, assessing everything with shrewd eyes as he teased Lily with a bunch of goofy jokes. When he was finished he didn’t send Lily from the room as Mia had anticipated. She moved closer to Caleb, seeking his support as they waited.
“Well, Miss Lily.” Dr. Frank sat in a chair, putting his eye level even with hers. “You’ve had some problems with your leg since you broke it, haven’t you?”
“That’s why we came to see you,” Lily said. “Can you fix my leg, Dr. Frank?”
“I’m not sure.” Mia listened intently as Dr. Frank explained how the bones had grown together wrong. “It would take a lot of operating to take the bones apart and put them back together the right way,” he warned.
“That would hurt.” Lily paled.
“It will hurt for a while, until your bones get used to being in the new way,” Dr. Frank said honestly.
“And then I wouldn’t limp?” Lily asked. “I hate limping.”
“I think if we did the operation, you wouldn’t limp as much, but I can’t say for sure that you wouldn’t limp at all, Lily.” Dr. Frank leaned back in his chair. “We won’t know that till after the operation.”
“How much would it hurt?” Fear filled Lily’s voice. Mia moved to comfort her, but Dr. Frank made a motion that asked her to stay where she was.
“It would hurt a lot at first,” he said quietly. “We would give you some medicine to make it hurt less, but it will hurt. And it will hurt while you learn to walk.”
“I already know how to walk,” Lily said indignantly.
“Yes, now you do, but after the operation your leg has to learn all over again. It won’t want to.” Dr. Frank explained every detail, answered every question to prepare Lily for what lay ahead.
Mia’s head whirled. She couldn’t imagine how Lily was able to understand it all, but to her surprise, the child sat straight and tall, paying close attention. Caleb looked just as focused.
“So what do you think, Lily?” Dr. Frank finally asked. “Do you think you want to have the operation on your leg or are you afraid it will hurt too much?”
Lily’s forehead furrowed as she considered what he’d said. Mia wanted to go to her and lend support, but she knew it was important that the little girl make this decision herself. If Lily asked for help, she and Caleb would gladly offer it. But the choice was Lily’s.
“My mom died. That hurt a lot.” A tear trickled down her velvet cheek. “It still hurts.”
“It probably always will,” Dr. Frank said in a soft voice. “But after a while it will get easier.”
And so it went. Lily asked every question she could think of and Dr. Frank patiently answered each, repeating if he needed to, easing her fears but making no attempt to mask the truth. Mia felt as though she were on pins and needles, waiting for the little girl to make her decision. At last Lily stretched out a hand toward her. Mia stepped forward and clasped it tightly. On Lily’s other side Caleb did the same.
“What should I do, Mia?” Lily asked.
“I can’t tell you that, honey.” Mia brushed her hair off her forehead. “I can only tell you that I think Dr. Frank is very good at operating and I believe he would do his very best for you. Do you want some time to think it over and pray about it?”
“No.” Lily shook her head. “I already prayed. A lot.”
“Then, what does your heart say?” Mia asked softly.
“It says yes,” she said firmly. “Is that okay, Uncle Caleb?”
“It’s very okay.” Caleb drew them both into the security of his arms. Mia could have stayed there forever, but there were details to see to. Besides, if she stayed tucked in his embrace for much longer, it would only be more painful to leave and harder to resist the craving to return to that weakling she’d been and allow someone else to be strong for her.
That could not happen. She focused on Lily.
“When?” Mia asked the doctor.
“I’d like to do the surgery as soon as possible, and I’d rather do it in Calgary,” Dr. Frank said to them. “That way Lily won’t have to go through a long return flight. And she’ll be closer to her friends during her recovery. I know she has a lot of those.” He and Lily shared a smile, but then his face grew serious. “It will be quite costly,” he warned in a low voice. “I’ll gladly donate my fees to help her, but the hospital will require payment for the specialized care Lily will require, and they’ll want a large part of the payment up front.”
“Cost is not a barrier,” Mia said firmly. “Lily must have whatever she needs.”
“Are you sure?” He named a figure that made Caleb’s eyes widen. Mia only nodded.
“Whatever,” she insisted, certain that the money she’d set aside for Lily’s future could not find a better use. “Do you have a date in mind?”
“Wednesday next week.” Dr. Frank smiled at her surprise. “That is, provided Calgary can set it up. It has to be then because I’ll be leaving for a mission trip to Africa after Christmas and I want Lily well on the way to recovery before I go.”
“Is next Wednesday okay for the operation, Lily?” Mia watched as fear fought faith in Lily’s dark blue eyes. “That gives us lots of time to pray,” she whispered in the child’s ear. When Lily nodded, Mia hugged her.
“Will you be with me, Mia? You and Uncle Caleb?” she asked in a wobbly voice.
“Of course we’ll be there. The nurses will probably have to throw us out of the hospital we’ll be there so much.” Mia let out a pent-up breath as Lily giggled. A glance at Caleb revealed tears glossing his eyes. When he turned his head to brush them away, Mia felt that pinch on her heart again. He was such a good man.
“Okay, I’ll set it up and send you the details.” Dr. Frank tweaked Lily’s nose. “I’ll be checking on you. You have email?” He pretended amazement when she said no. “Well, you’ll have to get it. I can’t go without talking to my favorite patient for a whole week!”
“I can borrow Mia’s computer,” Lily assured him. “Or Uncle Caleb’s. They both look after me.”
“You’re a pretty lucky little girl to have such good people caring for you, Lily.” Dr. Frank rose. “I have to go. You keep praying.” His glance included all of them. “I like knowing God’s been asked to attend my operations.”
“I’ll pray really hard,” Lily promised.
“Me, too.” Dr. Frank beckoned Caleb into the hallway, leaving Mia with Lily.
Although she yearned to hear what was being said, Mia accepted that as Lily’s guardian, Caleb was in charge. She waited until after lunch. They walked to a nearby park where Lily could play. Then Mia asked what had been said in the hallway at the hospital.
“Dr. Frank shared some details about her aftercare,” he told her. “I’m concerned about that. I don’t think Ms. Hilda can manage everything.”
“I’ve noticed she’s getting less mobile. Why is that?” Mia asked.
“Hilda fell last year and reinjured her knee when she was looking after the son of a friend of mine, a little boy named Henry. The doctors recommended Hilda have a knee replacement this fall, but then Lily needed a place to stay and...” He let the rest of it trail away.
Mia knew what was coming, but she also knew it couldn’t happen. She steeled herself against his anxious voice.
“You’ve already done so much, Mia. I hate to ask this. But would it be possible for you to have Lily stay at your place to recuperate—”
She had to stop him.
“I’d like nothing more than for Lily to come to Riverbend, Caleb. Goodness knows I certainly have the room. But I can’t do it.” She turned her head away from his probing gaze and studied the little girl working so hard to climb up the stairs to the slide. “It just isn’t possible. I’m sorry.”
“Can you tell me why?” His voice, soft, patient, soothed that part inside her that yearned for tenderness. “Please? I won’t judge.”
Perhaps that promise was why Mia gave in to the urge to tell the story she’d kept secreted inside for five long years.
“You call your father a murderer,” she began. “Well, I am, too. I’m responsible for a child’s death. He’s dead because of me.” There—she’d said it. Mia looked at Caleb, steeling herself for the disgust and loathing she knew she’d see there.
But Caleb’s silver-gray eyes held neither disgust nor abhorrence, only surprise and compassion mixed with sadness. He glanced over to make sure Lily was all right, then lifted Mia’s hand and folded it into his.
“Tell me what happened, Mia.” His kindness was her undoing.
“His name was Bobby Janzen,” she said, unable to stop the gush of words or tears. “He was three years old and I loved him.”
Harlan had never let her explain, never wanted to hear the details of that horrible time. He’d “cleaned up her mess,” as he’d put it, then forbade her to ever babysit another child again. He couldn’t afford the scandal of her ineptitude, he’d said.
“Go on.” Caleb tightened his grip on her hand when she would have pulled away. “Lily’s chatting with that little boy,” he said when she glanced away. “She’s fine. Tell me the rest of the story.”
“Bobby’s parents were our neighbors,” Mia explained after a deep breath. “I was bored that first year I was married to Harlan. I was used to school and people and things filling my day. Then my mother was gone and there was nothing but grief. I had to do something, and since Harlan didn’t want me to work, I started going to the park. I met Bobby.” She closed her eyes and let the memories fill her mind.
“You befriended him?”
“Yes. He was a darling child. I never got tired of sketching him. I gave him one. His parents thanked me for it.” Her voice wobbled. Mia paused to regain control. “After a while his nanny and I would meet in the park. When she’d chat about him I’d soak in every detail. That little boy held my heart in his hands. I’d have done anything for him.”
“Something happened.” There was no question in Caleb’s voice.
“One day his nanny told me it was her last day caring for Bobby,” Mia said softly. “She was getting married, moving away.”
“So you took over for her.” Caleb nodded. “Understandable.”
“Not exactly.” Mia shook her head. “Harlan would never have agreed to that. But I did begin babysitting Bobby at night, when his parents wanted to go out. They’d always have him ready for bed. All I had to do was give him his bottle and tuck him in.” She stopped, suddenly grief filled at the memory of holding that sweet, warm child and singing to him, of knowing he’d never smile or chortle that funny laugh of his again. The pain never went away.
“Say it, Mia.” Caleb put an arm around her shoulder and drew her against his side. “What happened?”
“I didn’t put him to bed right.” She choked out the words. “I thought I had. But when I went to check on him an hour after I put him down he wasn’t breathing. Harlan told me later that Bobby had choked and died because I wasn’t careful enough,” she whispered, heart wrenching at the memory.
“Careful enough? But he wasn’t an infant,” Caleb said with a frown. “So...?”
“I’d given Bobby a little bear for Christmas. He was always rubbing it against his face. It was soft and it made a little noise.” She gulped at the memory of Bobby’s joy in the silly little gift. “Usually the bear sat on his nightstand, but that night he was fussing and I let him take it to bed with him. Harlan said the bear came apart and he choked on a part. Bobby died because of me, Caleb. I gave him the toy and then let him have it in bed. It was only because Harlan pleaded with Bobby’s parents that I wasn’t charged with his death.”
“So now you won’t be alone with any child,” Caleb’s lips murmured against her hair.
“I can’t allow it.” Mia turned to look at him, surprised to find his face so near hers. “That’s the promise I made Bobby’s parents. Harlan said it was the reason they didn’t have me charged with his death. I had to promise I’d never be in a position to endanger another young child.”
“Oh, Mia, what a lot of grief you’ve carried.” Both Caleb’s arms went around her then. His lips pressed against her forehead. “I know you’d never hurt a child. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
“So am I.” How wonderful to be held so tenderly, to feel his touch against her skin. Caleb hadn’t reacted at all as she’d expected. Maybe he didn’t understand. Hating to break contact, she drew back so she could gaze into his eyes. “I would love to have Lily stay with me, but I can’t, Caleb. I will never put another child in danger.”
Caleb could hardly stand the grief in her voice.
“Mia, Lily’s older. She won’t choke. She—” But Mia interrupted him.
“What if she fell and I wasn’t there to catch her?” She turned her head to study the little girl. “What if she climbed to the top of that slide at Riverbend and somehow fell off?”
“That wouldn’t be your fault!”
“Yes, Caleb, it would, because I’d have broken my promise.” She bit her lip as one lonely tear dribbled down her cheek. “I know God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.”
Caleb tried to argue, but he could see his protests did no good. Mia had lived with her guilt for far too long. She explained that she loved children, hence her Sunday-school class at the Calgary church, but that there had always been others there to make sure nothing happened.
Somehow the more Mia explained, the more a feeling grew inside him, a kind of hunch that Harlan had somehow used Bobby’s death to keep Mia bound to him and that ugly house she’d lived in. Guilt and fear were the perfect tools to stop activities he didn’t control.
“I’ll do anything I can for Lily. I love her very much.” Mia rose. Her gaze slid from the child to him, determination lifting her chin. “But I can’t keep her at Riverbend.”
There was no more time for discussion because Lily came over limping wearily. Caleb treated both his ladies to a special dinner, but after they returned to their suite at the hotel, both Mia and Lily seemed subdued and soon retired to their rooms. Left alone in the living room, Caleb phoned Marsha. Ever since that day so long ago when he’d first met her as a foster child, she’d been there for him. Now he needed her advice.
True to form, Marsha listened carefully to everything he had to say.
“The operation is wonderful news, dear. How amazing that Mia would do that for Lily. Such a sweet woman. But why do you think she won’t take Lily to Riverbend?”
“It was a personal confidence, Mother. I can’t say.” Caleb would not betray Mia’s trust in him. “Let’s just say she’s afraid to be alone with Lily in case something happens.”
“Then, it seems to me your path is clear.” Caleb could almost see Marsha’s eyes glow as her firm voice transmitted into his ear. “You need to find someone who will stay at Riverbend with Mia. Perhaps then she’ll reconsider.”
“Maybe.” The more he thought about it, the more Caleb believed that was his answer. “But who?”
“Ordinarily I’d have a dozen names for you,” Marsha said in a troubled tone. “But half the church has signed up for that gospel cruise with Pastor Don. It starts next week. I don’t think most of those left would be much help with an invalid child. I’d offer, but your father is so looking forward to our yearly trip to Montana that I’d hate to see him disappointed. Still,” she said, “if it’s a matter of a child’s health—”
“No, Marsha. You have a hectic schedule. You and Dad need that time away together. I’ll think of someone. Oh, I know. Ms. Hilda.” Caleb barely had a moment to savor his solution before his mother ended that.
“I heard via the grapevine today that the doctors are pressing her to get that knee operation as soon as possible,” Marsha said quietly. “She’s put it off because of Lily, but it’s getting to the state where she needs to have it done or...”
“So we’ve got two folks who need care.” Caleb sighed, frustrated by the news.
“Seems to me you need to seek the Lord’s help on this one, son. That’s my best advice.” Marsha caught him up on some other local news, but Caleb knew the odd silences interspersing her words were because Marsha was yawning.
“Thanks, Mom. Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Caleb, have you spoken with your father?” By her tone he knew she was referring to Joel.
“I have nothing to say to him.” He couldn’t help the anger in those words.
“As long as you keep that attitude, you’ll never be able to move on,” Marsha said in a gently reproving voice. “And I think you need to move on, don’t you?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, confused by her words.
“There’s a certain widow newly moved into Riverbend for whom you seem to have great affection. Don’t make the same mistake you made with Lara, Caleb. Don’t let anger over your past ruin what could be something special with Mia. Good night, dear. I’ll be praying.” Marsha hung up before he could respond.
Caleb sat in the dark room overlooking Toronto’s night sky, musing on her words. Did he have a special fondness for Mia? Of course. The remembered pleasure of holding her in his arms kept intruding, though he tried to suppress it.
In the silence of the night he began to examine what lay behind his need to make sure Mia didn’t feel alone, why Caleb wanted to be there for her, to make sure each moment in her life was filled with the joy she’d been denied too long.
It wasn’t because he loved her, though some strong emotion inside flared whenever she was near. But that wasn’t love.
Was it?