“We’ll be right here waiting for you.” Caleb bent and pressed a kiss against Lily’s cheek, ignoring the others gathered around the little girl in her hospital room. Mia’s heart squeezed as emotion overwhelmed him. He couldn’t say the words, but there was no doubt he loved this child.
“We’ll be praying, sweetheart,” she whispered in Lily’s ear, then relinquished her grip of the small hand as the nurses wheeled Lily’s gurney from the room. “We love you.”
“Love you, too” came the drowsy response.
And then she was gone and Mia was alone with Caleb.
“I hate this,” he said, his jaw clenched tight. His hand sought hers and held on as if it were a lifeline.
“Of course you do. So do I. Because we’re not in control.” She smiled at the teddy bears and balloons that so many from Buffalo Gap had sent to encourage Lily.
“Dr. Frank better be as good as his reputation,” Caleb growled.
“We’re not depending on Dr. Frank. Our trust is in God.” Mia couldn’t sit in this empty room and wait. She needed to move. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“But—”
“He said at least four hours, Caleb.” She tugged on his hand. “There’s nothing we can do here. Come on.”
After a bit more persuasion Caleb agreed to leave Lily’s room. In the crisp autumn sunshine, Mia drew in deep breaths, trying to quell the sense of worry plaguing her. A passage from Isaiah’s thirtieth chapter filled her thoughts. “The Lord will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry.” I’m crying to You, Lord, she prayed silently. Please help Lily.
“It’s going to snow soon.” Caleb lifted his face into the light breeze.
“How can you tell?” Mia matched her step to his until he realized she was almost running and modulated his pace.
“Believe it or not, it’s the one good thing my old man taught me before he screwed up my life.” Caleb’s fingers tightened on hers. She squeezed back. He turned his head and grinned at her. “Too tight? Sorry.”
“Tell me about this thing Joel taught you.” She wanted him to dwell on this first positive thing she’d ever heard him say about Joel. “Can Ben do it, too?”
“No. Ben is a born rancher, but he could never sense a weather change the way I can.” Caleb shook his head. “My dad’s better at it than me, though. He doesn’t even have to stick his head outside. Somehow the barometric pressure changes and Joel just knows what’s coming. I can’t explain it.”
“That’s amazing.” Mia pointed out a cloud formation over the tips of the distant Rockies. “Looks as if you’re right. Joel isn’t just good at weather, though. He’s also amazing with Lily. She says he’s building a rocking horse for her. She’s ecstatic that I own horses. You do know she wants to ride again?”
“I know, and it scares me to death.” Caleb let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist, drawing her closer as a strong wind began to buffet them. “Sure you want to keep walking in this?”
“Yes. I like facing off against the elements.” And she liked being so close to him, protected, cherished. Where was her hard-won independence now, Mia asked herself. “Did Joel ever make toys for you?” she asked, hoping to draw on his pleasant memories.
“He once carved a train set for me for Christmas. I guess he and Mom couldn’t afford the real thing, so he made it out of wood. Really intricate work,” he remembered, his voice far away. Silence fell between them because the wind gusts made it difficult to speak. Caleb pointed to a fast food place across the street. “Let’s go have coffee. Or tea,” he added with a grimace.
“Joel’s also a great Bible teacher,” Mia said, continuing the conversation when they were both seated with a hot drink. “The other day I mentioned Martha—you know the story about Mary and Martha, the two sisters who Jesus visited?”
“You mean the Martha who felt she was doing all the work while Mary enjoyed Jesus’s visit? Yeah, I know it.” Caleb frowned. “What does Joel have to do with it?”
“I never understood why Jesus rebuked Martha. I’ve always thought she got the short end of the stick, that she slaved away and her lazy sister let her.” Mia chuckled. “Joel helped me see that when Jesus rebuked Martha it wasn’t because she was working too hard or that He didn’t appreciate it. It was because her focus was wrong. He offered her a golden opportunity to hear what He had to say and instead she focused on trivial things to show she was a good hostess. Joel gave me a new perspective on relationships with God.”
“He should practice what he preaches.” The hardness in Caleb’s voice made her wince.
“He’s trying, Caleb. He’s really trying to put the past behind him and make his life count,” Mia said gently.
“That’s too easy. It lets him forget my mom,” Caleb snapped.
“He hasn’t forgotten, Caleb. She’s constantly in his thoughts. ‘My wife was a great baker,’ he told me the other day when I made an apple pie. And he mentioned that she would have enjoyed our quilting group.” Mia nodded. “In fact, he speaks of her often.”
“That doesn’t change what he did,” Caleb said coldly.
“Are you sure he’s guilty of murder?” Mia couldn’t let it rest. Somehow she had to help Caleb let this go. Maybe if he could get past the barriers...
“Are you sure he isn’t?” Caleb’s glare pinned her in place. “I was there. I saw it happen. He pushed her.”
“Or he reached out and she backed away.” He didn’t like that, evidenced by the flare of anger in his eyes. Mia tried again. “Or perhaps he did reach out to push her away as she advanced on him. And perhaps that’s why she fell. Or perhaps—What does it matter now, Caleb? It won’t bring your mother back.”
“Exactly.” He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, jaw rock hard.
“Joel told me your mother was a godly woman.” Mia decided to try one last time. “Wouldn’t she have forgiven him if he’d asked?”
The nerve in Caleb’s left cheek twitched as he worked to control his resentment. Strangely Mia didn’t feel afraid. She only felt sympathy. Well, she also felt a deep desperate need to wrap her arms around him and hold him close, taking his pain.
If only she could. Because she loved him.
The self-realization stunned Mia so much she barely heard him say they needed to return to the hospital. It took Caleb pointing out the tiny snowflakes for her to notice that the sun had disappeared and winter was on its way.
You can’t love Caleb. It’s a mistake to let any man get close. He’ll want to tell you what to do, try to bend you to his will, just as Harlan did. He might even try to trick you to adopt Lily. You can’t love him.
“Why is it so important to you that I forgive my father, Mia?” As they walked into the hospital, Caleb’s quiet question drew her from her introspection.
She stared at him, mentally noting all the things she most admired about him. He was tall and strong and principled. He had integrity that he wasn’t willing to breach. He loved Lily, did everything he could to make sure her life would get better. Almost everything.
“If you could forgive your father...” she began, feeling her way as she spoke. “If the two of you could come together, reunite your family—” She stopped. Dared she say it?
“Not going to happen,” he insisted firmly. Then he lifted one eyebrow. “But say it did. So what? Why does this matter to you?”
“Because it would make you happy,” she whispered, staring at him. “It would end your self-imposed suffering. And Joel’s. The two of you could find some common ground.”
“And?” he pressed when she hesitated.
“Then you could make a home for Lily,” Mia said in a rush.
Caleb’s eyes stretched wide in astonishment. He stared at her, blinked, clearly stunned. Finally he shook his head.
“Also not going to happen, Mia. But let me ask the same of you. When are you going to get past your fear? When will you stop letting what Harlan said and did affect the rest of your life?”
“I’m trying to do that,” she whispered.
“Are you?” His eyes seemed to drill into her, exposing her secrets. “So when are you going to let go of your guilt over Bobby and adopt Lily as your own child? You are meant to be a mother.”
The thought of it was so attractive that Mia got caught up in imagining all the things she and Lily could do together. Funny how Caleb always figured into those plans. It took a moment to remember it couldn’t happen.
“I’m rebuilding my life the best I can.” A sense of vulnerability swept over her. “I’m trying to break through all the barriers Harlan caused.”
“Are you enjoying your new life?” he asked.
“Of course I love having my own home where I can indulge my style. I love having my own car and driving where I want to go.” She exhaled and glared at him. “I know you think there’s nothing to stop me from doing all the things I’ve only dreamed of except my fear, but that fear is as real to me as your hatred toward your father.”
“I don’t hate him,” Caleb said, but she ignored him.
“I wish that one day I could have a child of my own.” Mia saw his eyes flare and knew what he was hoping, but she had to dash those hopes. “I wish that so much. But that’s not going to happen. It can’t.”
“Why?” Caleb followed her into Lily’s empty room. When she stood by the window and didn’t respond, he took her arm, forcing her to face him. “Why can’t you be a mother?”
“Because I couldn’t survive if something happened,” she murmured, heart aching. She loved the way his silver eyes softened when they looked at her, thrilled to the touch of his fingers as they sought out her hand and held it.
With Caleb near she felt strong, capable. But Caleb wouldn’t always be there. She had to depend on herself.
“You’re stronger than you think, Mia,” he murmured. “And I don’t believe you’d ever let anything happen to a child.” His arms slid around her waist and he drew her close. “You’re too full of love.”
Even through her coat Mia could feel the strength in him, solid and dependable. She needed that strength right now, needed desperately to make him understand. For a moment she gave in to her heart’s yearning and laid her head against his chest, relishing the tenderness she had not known in six years of marriage.
“I love Lily with all my heart, Caleb. If I had a daughter, I’d want her to be exactly like that little girl.” She lifted her head just enough to gaze into his eyes. “What will we do if—”
“She’s going to be fine,” he said, his lips millimeters from hers. “God wouldn’t let anything happen to a sweet kid like Lily. Have faith, Mia.” Then his face moved those few millimeters and his mouth touched hers.
Mia had only ever been kissed twice in high school. She didn’t know exactly how to return his embrace. All she did know was that when his lips pressed against hers, joy suffused her. She wanted to show him how much she enjoyed his touch, how deeply moved she was. So she kissed him back as best she knew how, thrilled that he didn’t pull away but instead drew her even closer.
She savored every moment, every tiny detail, tucking them into her memory to take out and think about later. Mia wanted that kiss to go on and on, but too soon Caleb drew his lips away. A sense of loss filled her until his big hand snuggled her face against his chest once more.
She could stay here forever, Mia thought, safe in his strong yet tender embrace.
He shouldn’t have kissed her, Caleb told himself over and over as he and Mia waited in Lily’s room. Mia was inexperienced. She wouldn’t understand he’d only been trying to comfort her.
Comfort her or yourself? He shoved the thought away, but his mind immediately drifted to the pleasure he’d found in holding Mia, in letting her lean on him. When he’d finally found enough sense to draw away, her eyes were sparkling, her face shining, and he knew he had to be very careful not to let Mia expect more from him. He couldn’t love her. He didn’t know how to love.
For the tenth time he checked his watch. Lily had been in surgery for three hours. His whole body clenched when there was a movement by the door. Something had gone wrong. He didn’t know whether to groan or grit his teeth when his father walked in.
“I wanted to stay away,” Joel said quietly. “But I couldn’t. Is there any news?”
Caleb was about to tell Joel to leave but Mia rose and walked toward him. She hugged him.
“Not yet. Come and wait with us,” she invited. “We can pray together.”
Caleb couldn’t watch his father fawn over Mia, fooling her as he seemed to have done to everyone else. He jumped to his feet.
“I’m going to get some coffee,” he said, and stalked from the room. But the hospital cafeteria was noisy and he couldn’t sort out his thoughts there so he left, searching for some place to be alone, to sort out his miasma of feelings.
There was no one inside the chapel. Soft ambient lighting gave no hint to the time of day. Hymns hummed in the background, enfolding Caleb in their comforting sound. A stained glass window sat center front, its words backlit.
“As I have loved you...you also love one another.”
It wasn’t a plea or a request. It was an order. Love one another. The question was, how could Caleb love a man he was convinced had killed his mother?
Wouldn’t your mother have forgiven him? Mia had asked. And that was the thing. His mom would have, instantly and completely. She’d loved Joel with every fiber of her being. She’d told Caleb that, shown it in every word, every action toward Joel.
“I can’t do it,” he whispered. And yet he had to. The anger that continually festered inside was eating him up, ruining his life. Caleb knew it could not go on. “Show me how to forgive,” he prayed.
His eyes strayed to the right. Another verse, smaller and less conspicuous hung from a tapestry. Forgetting those things which are behind, I press on toward the goal.
The apostle Paul had done awful things. And yet God had forgiven him. How could He have done that?
His mother’s favorite verse, which she’d framed and hung on her bedroom wall, suddenly filled his mind. My grace is sufficient for you.
Meaning what? That if God could forgive, Caleb had to accept that and move on. Meaning he needed to forgive and move on? Could he do that?
Every fiber of his being yearned to be free of the load of anger he’d carried for so long. And yet—
Caleb checked his watch, then rose to leave. He found himself looking directly into the painted gaze of Jesus holding a child on His knee. The artist had depicted such love in His intense eyes that for a moment Caleb couldn’t look away.
“I’ll try to forgive him,” he promised finally, then left the quiet room. But what to do about Mia?
When Caleb arrived at Lily’s room, the door was open. Quiet voices spilled out to him. He stood in the hallway, hesitant to interrupt.
“Mia, being content does not mean being complacent as you were before.” His father’s voice floated toward Caleb. “It doesn’t mean being wary about everyone, either. You trusted your husband. That’s what wives are supposed to do. The fault was in him. You can’t make up for his faults by protecting yourself, by never caring for anyone again.”
Mia murmured something Caleb couldn’t hear.
“If only I could change the past, go back to that day and have my wife alive again.” Could the sorrow in Joel’s words be faked? Caleb wondered. “I’d give my life for hers if I could. But that’s not the way it is. I made a terrible mistake. God has forgiven me. I only wish Caleb could.”
“I’m not sure I’ve forgiven Harlan, Joel.” As Caleb listened, Mia’s voice broke. She cleared her throat and continued, “I wanted my mother’s love so badly, but I felt like a nuisance to her. So I tried to stay out of her way even though I was so lonely. Then I married Harlan and I felt just as abandoned. It was so hard to keep trusting God.”
“But you did and now here you are.” Joel’s voice softened. “You’ve come through the clouds into the light and now you can look to your future with hope. You can pass on what you’ve learned to Lily.”
“I love Lily.” The wistfulness in Mia’s squeezed Caleb’s heart. “Caleb thinks I should adopt her, but I can’t.”
“Because of Bobby Janzen,” his father said. So Mia had told Joel about the little boy who died? She must really trust him.
“His death has never left me. I was responsible for that. If I hadn’t been so careless...” A sound puzzled him until he realized it was Mia weeping.
The heartbreak of her sorrow hit Caleb hard. There had to be something he could do to help her. Maybe she hadn’t understood everything. Maybe Harlan had lied about the circumstances. He pulled out his phone and texted his paralegal, asking her to find out everything she could about a three-year-old child named Bobby Janzen who’d died less than six years ago. He couldn’t love Mia, but maybe he could help her.
Caleb had just completed his call when someone touched his shoulder.
“Let’s join the others,” Dr. Frank said. “Lily is out of surgery.”