‘Strangest wedding I’ve ever been to,’ Polly whispers as a hush falls over the glade while the celebrant invites Lily and Ben to make their vows to each other. I don’t care how strange or weird it is. All I know is that my whole body has heaved a massive sigh of relief. The wedding’s actually happening and Cal’s home and not in despair. His fingers brush mine, making my skin tingle deliciously, as we listen to the celebrant talking. Ben is reading out his vows about how amazing Lily is and how kind and gorgeous, but I’m trying not to giggle.
‘What’s up?’ Cal whispers as I clamp my hand to my mouth.
‘That’s his brave hero voice,’ I say. ‘It’s exactly the voice he used for the sea otter in Ocean Furries.’
Cal smiles. ‘You’re a very bad girl.’
I bite my lip as the celebrant invites Lily to speak. Unfortunately, he drops the microphone and everyone lets out a collective wince as the feedback unleashes a piercing shriek of sound. Then there’s laughter as Ben rescues the microphone and hands it to Lily. We all wait as she composes herself. And we wait some more. She seems to be taking a few deep breaths to calm herself but there’s an air of tension creeping in.
Seconds pass and the only sound is the drone hovering over the altar, waiting, and the cawing of crows in the trees.
‘Oh dear,’ Polly whispers.
‘Shh.’
‘From the first moment I met Ben, at the read-through for Desperate Poets, I knew I’d found my best friend.’
You can almost feel the sighs of relief as Lily finally speaks.
‘I have to say that our first meeting wasn’t an auspicious one. Ben had only just finished shooting a thriller and he had a terrible buzz cut and a bad attitude,’ Lily says.
Everyone laughs again. ‘Despite that beginning, we seem to have got together and here we are now. About to be joined together forever.’
Awws of delight echo around the glade. A few people applaud. Louie, sitting on Addison’s lap, lets out a yip.
‘And so …’
Lily’s words are drowned out by a baby screaming. A little boy pipes up with, ‘Can we go in the tent yet?’
Everyone laughs and then hush falls again as we wait for Lily to carry on. The baby is hurried off in her buggy and the little boy is quiet again.
‘And so …’ Lily begins again, still holding hands with Ben.
‘She is an actress – it’s probably for dramatic effect,’ Polly chirps up.
It’s hard to see Lily’s face from the back. Butterflies stir in my stomach. What if …?
‘And so,’ she says in a loud voice that makes us all jump. ‘I can’t think of anyone else that I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.’
‘Phew. Thank goodness for that,’ I whisper to Cal. ‘I’m amazed they made it this far.’
‘Hmm. Slightly tense moment.’
The celebrant starts talking again about the birds and the bees and nature and the stars and then addresses us all.
‘Dear friends, Ben and Lily will now seal their eternal love by exchanging rings.’
Polly snorts. ‘Eternity’s a long time.’
‘Shh!’ hisses a woman next to her.
Cal stifles a laugh.
‘So, now, we invite a very special guest, Boris, to deliver the rings to Lily and Ben.’
There’s an air of confusion, a few mutter ‘who the hell is Boris?’ with people glancing at each other in puzzlement. Knowing what’s coming, I smile.
Cal squeezes my hand. ‘This should be fun.’
Everyone turns round to see the falconer with a beautiful tawny owl perched on her glove. There are gasps of amazement as she releases Boris and he flies swiftly down the aisle, his golden feathers flashing past, a tiny pouch dangling from his talons. Ben is wearing a leather glove and holds his arm straight out and rigid. From here, I can see he’s cringing as he braces himself for the landing. The drone whizzes up and hovers above the altar.
Boris flies straight past Ben’s glove and up into the copse.
After a few seconds’ confusion, everyone laughs.
‘Ah. Boris has decided to keep us waiting a while longer,’ says the celebrant.
Jenni, the falconer, jogs down the aisle and whispers something to Ben, Lily and the celebrant.
‘Boris can be a bit unpredictable, apparently, but his owner assures us he’ll come down soon,’ says the celebrant.
‘Does that bird really have the rings in his pouch?’ Polly asks me.
‘Yes. The falconer tried to persuade Lily to put her substitute rings in the bag, in case this happened, but Lily wouldn’t hear of it. She thought it was cheating to use fake rings.’
Polly rolls her eyes.
‘I’m sure Boris will come down soon,’ Cal says, though I can feel him shaking with the effort of trying not to laugh himself.
‘If he’s anything like his namesake, he’ll change his mind when it suits him,’ says Polly.
Ten minutes later, the falconer is still trying to lure Boris down from his perch. The guests are all talking among themselves and the kids have started to chase each other about in the aisle. The falconer is desperately trying to tempt Boris with his favourite snack: raw rabbit chunks. Some of the kids have now wandered closer to watch the entertainment.
Cal blows out a breath. ‘Boris isn’t going to budge, is he?’
‘I don’t know, but I need to do something.’
Rachel joins the falconer to talk to her. Jade is on her feet and pacing up and down and glaring at Rachel, as if it’s her fault. Ben and Lily are talking to each other. Lily seems to be in tears. People are staring at them.
‘Shit. This isn’t what we want. I have to go and see what I can do.’
I’ve no idea what help I can be but when I reach the bridal party, I can see Lily’s in tears and Ben is furious. He rips off the glove and throws it on the ground. ‘I knew this was a barking mad idea. That owl isn’t coming down any time soon. Why didn’t you let it have the falconer’s rings?’
‘Boris is a wild creature,’ Lily says reasonably, ‘and I wanted him to have the real rings. I wanted this whole thing to be authentic and natural and not fake, unlike the rest of my life!’
Ben glares at her. ‘Fake? What are you trying to say, Lily?’
Jade leaps up and grabs Lily’s hand. ‘Now, darling, calm down. We don’t need that bloody owl. We can use some other rings until we get them back. Here, I’m sure someone’s got one to spare.’ She catches sight of me. ‘You. Find two rings so we can get on with the ceremony now.’
Rachel jogs over. ‘I’ve got the spare rings from the falconer. They were her grandparents’ and she keeps them for this very purpose. They’re not ideal but they’ll do for now so we can carry on and enjoy the most important part of the ceremony.’ She puts her arm around Lily. ‘How does that sound?’
Ben folds his arms. ‘Fine by me. Lily?’
Lily stares at him and then slowly looks around at all of us ranged in a circle around her. Me, Ben, Rachel, Jade, Addison and the falconer. She turns away and looks up into the trees where Boris sits on a branch, watching us all.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault. It’s that damned stupid bird!’
‘Shut up, Jade!’
Lily’s shriek makes us jump and the buzz of conversation stops.
‘You’re stressed and upset. I can believe it after all the cock-ups but everything’s going to be fine. Come on, take the rings and let’s get on with this.’ Jade tries to take Lily’s arm but Lily pushes her away.
‘I can’t do this. I know you’ll all hate me and I’m very, very sorry, Ben, but you know it wouldn’t be real. You know that, Jade knows it and even Boris knows it. That’s why he flew into the tree.’
‘No, he didn’t. It was the drone, that fucking drone!’ Jade shrieks.
Neil, the celebrant, steps between her and Lily. ‘Please, madam, this is a solemn occasion.’
‘No, it’s not. It’s a farce. A bloody farce. Letting my biggest clients have this wacky shambles of a wedding in this godforsaken corner is a farce. Now, Lily, come to your senses and marry Ben.’
Jade makes a grab for Lily who backs away just as Harry bursts out of the copse and into our group. ‘Get your hands off her,’ he thunders.
Jade lets go of Lily and rounds on Harry. ‘What did you say?’
Everyone stares at us. My pulse races. Ben’s mouth is open. Neil and Rachel are frozen, their expressions horrified.
‘I said, keep away from Lily. If she doesn’t want to marry Ben, that’s her decision. Everyone knows you’ve badgered and harassed and bullied them into this.’
Jade expands like a puffer fish, spitting venom. ‘How dare you! How dare you poke your nose in, you interfering pleb!’
‘How dare I? Because I love Lily. Truly love her with all my heart and soul. I’m sorry, Ben, but I know you don’t. Not in the way this amazing, wonderful woman deserves to be loved. And if you, Jade, or anyone else tries to stand in my way, you’d better watch out.’
Lily stares at him. Her face has turned as pale as her dress as Harry faces down Jade. She seems genuinely shocked at his words.
‘Don’t you talk to my daughter like that, you bitch!’ Lily’s mum weighs in, followed by her father. Then Ben’s parents muscle through and start shouting at Lily’s lot.
‘Will you all calm down! This isn’t helping anyone,’ Cal orders, but everyone ignores him.
‘Wait!’ The falconer hurries up to us, with Boris on her arm and the rings in her other outstretched hand. ‘I’ve got him down and the rings. Everything’s going to be all right. You can carry on with the ceremony!’
‘Carry on?’ Ben snaps. ‘This whole thing has turned into a joke. You’ve made us a laughing stock, Lily.’
Lily stares at the rings and at Ben. ‘I’m sorry I’ve humiliated you in public but it was better that I ended things now.’
Ben snorts in contempt.
‘You can’t do this to us!’ Jade wails and takes a step towards Lily again but Harry moves between them like a huge granite wall.
‘I told you to leave her alone, Jade. I meant it.’
Jade shoots him a poisonous look but stays where she is.
‘Lily, I can’t keep it hidden any longer. This business with the rings was a sign. A sign that I should tell you how I really feel. How you know I really feel.’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake!’ Ben sneers.
Bewildered, Lily looks from Harry to each face around her. Then she takes Harry’s large hand in hers and glances up at him. ‘No one knows how I really feel, Harry. How could they, because I don’t know myself.’
With a sad smile, she turns away and walks off towards the copse.
‘Wait, Lily! Come back!’ her mum shouts.
‘Lily!’ Harry calls and starts to follow her.
I grab his arm. ‘Stop. Let her go!’ I say. ‘Leave her for now. Everyone leave her be, please.’
‘I can’t leave her. I need to go to her,’ says Harry.
‘In a little while, mate.’ Cal is here now, his hand on Harry’s arm. ‘Give her some space. That’s what she needs more than anything.’
‘I’m outta here before I vomit,’ says Ben to his best man. ‘Come on, mate.’
‘Wait, Ben!’ Jade screeches. ‘We can smooth things over.’
Ben snorts and turns on his heel with his best man in tow.
Jade gives Addison a push. ‘Don’t just stand there, you wimp. Get after him and sort things out.’
But Addison is frozen to the spot, watching hopelessly as Ben and his celebrity mate thump off. There’s weeping and wailing behind me from the mothers and ranting from Jade who’s being unsuccessfully soothed by Addison. Lily’s bridesmaids are talking to each other frantically, debating what to do. The guests at the back of the glade are straining to hear what’s happening while some have already got their phones out, tweeting and texting the gossip to the world. Rachel holds her hands up in sheer amazement and Ben and his best man stride off out of view. The Grapevine! photographer follows them, snapping away.
Louie has started yapping, furiously. He leaps out of Lily’s mum’s arms and dashes towards Harry.
Rachel joins me and Cal while Jade and Addison argue with the two feuding families. ‘Oh hell. Of all the problems I’d anticipated, I never expected this. I’d better let the caterers and suppliers know what’s happened,’ she says. ‘And try and think of what to do next.’
‘I’ll find Lily in a few minutes,’ I say. ‘Can you try and calm the parents down and persuade them to let her have some time alone?’
Rachel eyes the rowing families with horror. ‘I’ll do my best.’
‘Maybe leave it a few minutes to let them simmer down,’ says Cal.
Rachel nods. ‘Good idea. I’ll see to the caterers first.’
She hurries off to the tepee. Cal hugs me. ‘Oh my God, has there ever been a bigger wedding disaster in the history of wedding disasters?’
‘It’s not our fault,’ Cal says. ‘For once in our lives, it’s not our fault or Kilhallon’s … but it’s definitely going to make headlines, that’s for sure. I bet Mawgan’s dancing for joy.’
‘She’s been very quiet so far. In fact, where is she?’
We both scan the bridesmaids’ seats. Lily’s so-called mates are both on their phones but there’s no sign of Mawgan. Anyone would think she’d melted away.
‘Jesus, I knew she was up to something,’ says Cal.
Harry’s sitting on a log, cradling Louie who licks his face. Everyone else has forgotten him.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. ‘I’ll try to find Lily and speak to Harry. He looks completely lost, although Louie’s obviously decided who he wants Lily to be with.’
‘I’ll try to find Ben,’ Cal says.
Polly arrives and plants her hands on her hips. ‘Well, that was a turn-up for the books. I thought you said that Harry had a boyfriend? Well, it’s probably for the best. I never took to that Ben. Now, what I want to know is, who’s going to eat all that food?’