Demi
After we’ve called Rachel and made sure that the remaining guests know that the party’s still going ahead – without the bride and groom – Cal pulls back a chair from the table. I’ve tried to focus on our discussion with Rachel until now, but my pulse stirs when I see the serious look on his face.
‘Sit down, I want to talk to you now we finally have five minutes’ peace.’
I take a seat and a much-needed deep breath. ‘Is this to do with what happened in Greece?’
Cal sits next to me. ‘Yes, and other things, relating to Lily and Ben and what happened today. They’re linked in a weird mixed-up way so bear with me.’ He takes a breath before going on. ‘I finally found out how Esme escaped from her mother’s house. One of the neighbours’ daughters found her with Soraya’s body just before I arrived and virtually dragged her away while hell was breaking loose around them.’
Nothing I can do but listen, knowing how hard this must be for him.
‘In the time I spent with her mother and searching for Esme, the girls managed to get a lift out of town. It’s thanks to the neighbours that she stayed relatively safe, and a few weeks later they were able to reunite her with her grandparents and cousins. Eventually, they made it through Turkey, survived the sea crossing to the Greek islands and have been living in various camps while they make a claim for asylum in Germany.’
‘Do you think they’ll get it?’ I ask as he hesitates.
‘It’s not guaranteed but she has an auntie and uncle already in Frankfurt and as she has no parents now, we’re hoping she and her grandparents will be allowed to live with them soon. The miracle is that she survived and she’s found her family. After what happened to her mother, and what might have happened to her if she’d been making that journey alone, it’s the best outcome, by a million miles, that I could have wished for.’
I squeeze his hand. ‘I’m so glad. I’m relieved that you found her and you’re here.’
‘Her family were so generous to me. I told them everything and they don’t blame me. Her cousins said she would have wanted me to help in the way I did. I can never be so forgiving to myself, but I’m going to try very hard to take their advice.’
‘What was their advice?’
‘They told me to let go of Esme and Soraya, of my guilt – of everything that happened. When you lose someone – like my mum and dad and Soraya – you live with more fear but more determination to do the things you want to do. I was trying to right a wrong I could never put right. Esme’s family have reminded me I can’t turn the clock back or work miracles.
‘I’ll never forget Soraya and I’ll keep in touch with Esme and her family and do what I can to help them.’ He stands up, as if he can’t bear to be in one place any longer, despite what he’s saying.
‘It would be wrong for me to say that everything’s fine and OK now I’ve come to terms with what happened. I – none of us – can ignore what’s happening to people like Esme and her family, but I also want to do as they told me: to come back home and live my life with you at Kilhallon.’
‘You told them about me?’ I ask, amazed he had time to mention us.
‘Of course I did. They wanted to hear what I was doing; how I’d escaped and what had happened since. Esme wanted to know about you, what you looked like and what you liked doing. I said you liked cooking and baking and that you had a dog. I showed her a photo of me and you with Mitch.’
‘Oh, Cal … I have a confession to make too. I found your will in the study. You left me Kilhallon! I don’t want it, I only wanted you home and it scared me.’ I grow cold even now when I remember finding it, but Cal laughs.
‘Why are you scared? We all have to go sometime.’
‘Don’t joke. It’s not funny.’
‘Why are you so upset that I’ve left you this place? Is it because you’d find it a burden? I can leave it to Mitch instead if you want. Come here.’ He holds me and strokes my hair.
‘No. Stop it. I thought … I thought that it meant you were planning to leave here and work in the Middle East and put yourself in danger again. I thought you might never come back.’
‘I’ve been there and done that and I don’t fancy doing it again. I always intended to come back but I needed to sort out my affairs. I’ve never done it before because I wasn’t ready to face up to it after I came home from Syria and I had no idea who I even wanted to leave a worthless wreck like Kilhallon to. Now we’ve made the place into what it is, I am ready. Call it a sign that I’m moving on and can face it now, call it a grown-up thing to do. Life’s precarious: I didn’t want to leave the place in limbo. I wanted to make sure Kilhallon and the things I care about were left to the people I care about.’
‘But why me? I don’t deserve to have all this, even if I could ever imagine looking after the place without you.’
He rests his hands on my waist. ‘Who else should have it but you? Besides, I need to make a will anyway, as things are going to change between us.’
‘What do you mean, “things are going to change between us?” I don’t want things to change.’
Cal’s smile slips. He drops his hands from my waist. ‘Don’t you?’
‘No. I like things how they are unless – if you’re not going away, what do you mean? Do you want me to move out of the farmhouse? Do you think things aren’t working between us?’
He groans and shoves his hands through his hair. ‘Demi, you have completely the wrong end of the stick.’
‘Then why should things change? I don’t want any more change. I’ve had enough change over the past year. I don’t think I can cope with any more. Losing my job, finding another, meeting you, Mawgan causing trouble, starting the cafe, losing Mitch, meeting Dad again, the floods and Freya, the book and moving in here. I feel as if I can hardly catch my breath. Please. There’s only so much I can take. Just for a while, can’t we have a few boring months of nothing happening?’
He takes a step back. Rubs his hand over his mouth in the way he does when he’s worried and stressed. Have I said something so wrong? Damn.
‘Can you genuinely not take any more excitement or change?’ he says quietly. ‘In that case, I won’t pressure you. I won’t do what I was about to.’
‘For God’s sake, what were you about to do?’ I raise my voice in frustration.
‘Well, I … I don’t know whether to say it now. But … Ben said to feed the guests who are left and enjoy the party.’
I’m ready to rip out my own hair in frustration and tension. ‘Yes, and Lily said the same. So what’s that got to do with your mysterious plans?’
‘So, shall we?’ Cal asks. ‘Have the party anyway. I think the guests are already being fed. Rachel’s told the caterers to go ahead because everyone was starving.’
‘From the sound of things, the party’s going on whether we want it to or not. It feels strange without an actual ceremony and bride and groom.’
‘Yes. It does.’ He looks thoughtful. Unsure. ‘What a waste.’
‘As Robyn and Andi are engaged, they might enjoy a free wedding.’
Cal frowns. ‘Robyn and Andi?’
‘And Isla and Luke were going to get married sometime. They might want to stand in for Lily and Ben? If Isla feels up to it, of course. Oh …’
‘If Isla feels up to it. What do you mean?’ His brow creases in sudden concern.
‘I should have let Isla tell you herself but it’s too late now. She’s pregnant. She came to the house before the wedding that wasn’t and wanted to see you.’
Cal does a double take. ‘Pregnant? Isla?’ I can see he’s shocked and doesn’t seem to know what to say. The news is bound to be a body blow to him. He must be thinking that he and Isla could have had children one day; that their baby might have been his.
‘She wanted you to know first but she felt a bit shaky and had to confess. It’s a shock to you, I know.’ I braced myself for his reaction; he’s even more shocked than I expected – or hoped.
‘A shock? No, I’m happy for Isla and for Luke.’
‘Really?’
He frowns. Wow, he is serious. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘I … I don’t know. There’s so much history between you.’
‘And that’s all it is. History. I’m happy she’s happy. Isla will be a fantastic mum but I’m not interested in the past any more. I’m only interested in now and the future.’ He holds both of my hands. My senses tingle, my knees feel ever so slightly weak; yes, it really does happen. He’s about to say something – momentous and scary.
‘Oh, Cal, tell me what you have to say. Put me out of my misery.’
‘OK. I’m not going to ask Robyn and Andi or Isla and Luke to take over this wedding – that’s not a wedding – thing because I want you and me to.’
‘Oh.’
The world stops. Did I hear what I thought I heard? Or has this whole surreal mad day finally tipped me over the edge into a parallel universe?
‘I realise that you said you’d never dream of marrying anyone. Even if Neil joining us today won’t be legal or binding I want to do it anyway. I want to tell all these people – strangers, friends and family – that I want to be with you at Kilhallon until we’re old and grey and turn to dust.’
My legs are wobbly. I can’t believe I’m hearing this, but it’s a good kind of shock. The kind I want to hear more about.
‘I heard you tell Rachel that hell would freeze over before you made that kind of commitment so I’m probably about to crash and burn here but if there’s one thing that the past year has taught me, it’s that life is precious and fragile and if you want to do something, truly want to do something, then you have to go for it and not wait for the tide to turn or the wind to change,’ Cal rushes on, babbling uncharacteristically. ‘So, I said I’d never be perfect, and life with me might be a bumpy ride and I know you’re young and could have your pick of men, but here you go.’
Finally he shuts up. His expression is agonised.
‘Wait a minute. Can I just check … this is you proposing to me?’
He smiles. ‘Yeah. I guess so. I know you’d have plenty of offers and let’s face it, lots of people don’t even bother getting married these days, but try me out. We can arrange a civil ceremony after today, if you want to. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be but I can see you might need time to be convinced.’
‘Unlike Lily I don’t need to convince myself and I didn’t mean that thing about hell freezing over. OK, I did mean it but I was only saying it because … because …’
‘What?’
‘Because I thought hell would freeze over before you’d want to make a commitment like that. After all you’ve been through I was protecting myself. I’d never thought of getting married, but I do know that I never want to think about leaving Kilhallon or you. I can’t imagine it, even though it’s only been just over a year since I met you.’
He holds my arms, rubbing my skin gently. ‘You’re shaking. Are you cold?’
‘No. I’m not cold, but I don’t know what to say.’
‘Say “yes”, and let’s enjoy the party. Do the thing. Let’s not waste the band, and the flowers and that bloody willow arch. Let’s watch Polly’s jaw drop through the floor and make Neil’s day worthwhile. There’s no point wasting him, is there, since he’s been cheated out of his special moment. Where is he? I need to find him fast if we’re going ahead.’
‘I think he’s with Polly …’ I laugh, because part of me is soaring somewhere above Kilhallon, and the other half wants to burst out laughing. I don’t need Cal to ask me to marry him to complete my life – far from it – but I can’t deny how happy it makes me feel. Float-up-to-the-sky happy.
‘So. It’s a “yes”, then?’ He peers nervously into my eyes.
‘Yes. I must be out of mind but yes. Let’s do it.’
In the next moment, we’re one person. We kiss each other softly and he holds my face between his hands. His stubble rasps my skin and I’m aware he’s still wearing the clothes he travelled in overnight. Nothing has changed. He’s still scruffy, unpredictable Cal; still with a lot of baggage and ready to flare up if someone gets to him. And I’m still me, ready to jump in with both feet whether I’m wanted or not. Still only twenty-two and agreeing to take on this place and Cal in all his moods.
It’s a big risk but I know I’d never have things any other way.
‘I’ve made some bad decisions in my life, and done some selfish things in the name of what I thought was “right” for other people, but was probably right for me,’ he says, his eyes shining. ‘I won’t stop making the wrong decision, I’ll probably get it wrong, and keep on getting it wrong but being with you is the right decision, and I know I’ll never regret it. If you can live with that, then I’ll be happy.’
‘I can live with it.’
A huge smile spreads over his face and we kiss each other like there will never be another tomorrow.
‘Come on, then. We’ve a wedding to sort out. Second time lucky, eh?’