HOLLY DIDN’T HAVE to think hard to come up with her first question. “Why did you look like you’d seen a ghost when you stepped in here?”
There was a pause as though Finn was figuring out how to answer her question. Was he thinking up a vague answer or would he really open up and give her a glimpse of the man beneath the business suits and intimidating reputation?
He glanced off into the shadows. “When I walked in here I was reminded of a time—long ago. My brother and I used to build blanket forts when we were kids. Especially in the winter when it was too cold or wet to go outside. My mother wasn’t fond of them because we’d strip our beds.”
Holly smiled, liking that he had a normal childhood with happy memories. She wondered why he kept them hidden. In all the time she’d been around him, she could count on one hand the number of times he spoke of his family. But she didn’t say a word because she didn’t want to interrupt him—she found herself wanting to learn everything she could about him.
“I remember there was this one Christmas where we’d built our biggest fort. But it was dark in there and my brother wanted to teach me to play cards. My mother would have been horrified that her proper young men were playing cards—it made it all the more fun. We tried a flashlight but it didn’t have enough light. So my brother got an idea of where to get some lights.”
Holly could tell by the gleam in Finn’s eyes that mischief had been afoot. He and his brother must have been a handful. Would her twins be just as ornery? Her hand moved to her stomach. She had a feeling they would be and that she’d love every minute of it. She might even join them in their fort.
“While my parents were out at the Mistletoe Ball and the sitter was watching a movie in the family room, we took a string of white lights off the Christmas tree.”
Holly gasped. “You didn’t.”
Finn nodded. “My brother assured me it was just one strand. There were plenty of other lights on the tree. After all, it was a big tree. So we strung the lights back and forth inside our fort. It gave it a nice glow, enough so that we could see the cards. There was just one problem.”
“You got caught?”
He shook his head. “Not at first. The problem was my brother for all of his boasting had no clue how to play cards. So we ended up playing Go Fish.”
Holly couldn’t help but laugh, imagining those two little boys. “I bet you kept your parents on their toes.”
“I suppose we did—for a while anyway.” The smile slipped from his face and she wanted to put it back there. He was so handsome when he smiled.
“So what happened with the lights?”
“Well, when my parents got home, my mother called us down to the living room. It seems my father tried to fix the lights that were out on the lower part of the tree, but he soon found they were missing. My mother wanted to know if we knew anything about it. I looked at my brother and he looked at me. Then we both shrugged. We tried to assure her the tree looked good, but she wasn’t buying any of it. My mother didn’t have to look very long to find the lights. As I recall, we were grounded for a week. My father had the task of putting the lights back on the tree with all of the ornaments and ribbon still on it. He was not happy at all.”
“I wouldn’t think he would be.”
“Okay. So now it’s my turn. Let’s see. Where did you grow up?”
She gave him a funny look. “Seriously, that’s what you want to know?”
He shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”
“I grew up in Queens. A long way from your Upper East Side home.”
“Not that far.”
“Maybe not by train but it is by lifestyle.” When Finn glanced away, she realized how that sounded. She just wasn’t good at thinking about her family and the way things used to be so she always searched for a diversion.
“It’s my turn.” She thought for a moment and then asked, “Okay, what’s your favorite color?”
He sent her a look of disbelief. “Are you serious?”
“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“It’s just that I thought these were questions to get to know each other. I don’t know how my favorite color has much to do with anything.”
“I’ll tell you once you spit it out.”
He sighed. “Green. Hunter green. Now why was that so important to you?”
“Are you sure it isn’t money green?” He rolled his eyes and smiled at her before she continued. “It’s important to me because I need a color to paint the babies’ bedroom.”
“Oh. I hadn’t thought of that. Then I get to ask you what your favorite color is.”
“Purple. A deep purple.”
“Sounds like our children are going to have interesting bedrooms with purple and green walls.”
Holly paused and thought about it for a minute. “I think we can make it work.”
“Are you serious?”
“Very. Think about green foliage with purple skies. A palm tree with a monkey or two or three. And perhaps a bunch of bananas here and there for a splash of yellow.”
His eyes widened. “How did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Come up with that mural off the top of your head?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. It just sounded fun and like something our children might enjoy.”
“I think you’re right. I’ll have the painters get started on it right away.”
“Whoa! Slow down. I don’t even know where we’ll be living by the time these babies are born.” When the smile slipped from his face, she knew it was time for a new question. “Why do you always leave New York at Christmastime? No, scratch that. I know that answer. I guess my real question is why do you hate Christmas?”
He frowned. “So now you’re going for the really hard questions, huh? No, what’s your middle name? Or what’s your favorite food?”
She shrugged. “I just can’t imagine hating Christmas. It’s the season of hope.”
There was a faraway look in his eyes. “My mother, she used to love it, too. She would deck out our house the day after Thanksgiving. It was a tradition. And it wasn’t just her. The whole family took part, pulling the boxes of decorations out of the attic while Christmas carols played in the background. After we hung the outside lights, my mother would whip up hot chocolate with those little marshmallows.”
“So you don’t like it anymore because it reminds you of her?”
Finn frowned. “You don’t get to ask another question yet. Besides, I wasn’t finished with my answer.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Now that my family isn’t around, I don’t see any point in celebrating. I’ll never get any of those moments back. When I’m here, I don’t have to be surrounded by those memories or be reminded of what I lost.”
There was more to that story, but she had to figure out the right question to get him to open up more. But how deep would he let her dig into his life? She had no idea. But if she didn’t try to break through some of the protective layers that he had surrounding him, how in the world would they ever coparent? How would she ever be able to answer her children’s questions about their father?
She didn’t want to just ignore her kids’ inquiries like her mother had done with her. Initially when her father had left, she’d been so confused. She thought it was something she’d done or not done. She didn’t understand because to her naive thinking, things had been good. Then one day he packed his bags and walked out the door. Her mother refused to fill in the missing pieces. It was really hard for a ten-year-old to understand how her family had splintered apart overnight.
Finn cleared his throat. “Okay, next question. Do your parents still live in Queens?”
“Yes, however right now my mother’s visiting my aunt in Florida. And my father moved to Brooklyn.”
Finn’s brow arched. “So they’re divorced?”
“You already had your question, now it’s my turn.” Finn frowned but signaled with his hand for her to proceed, so she continued. “What happened to your brother?”
Finn’s hands flexed. “He died.”
She knew there had to be so much more to it. But she didn’t push. If Finn was going to let down his guard, it had to be his choice, and pushing him would only keep him on the defensive.
And so she quietly waited. Either he expanded on his answer or he asked her another question. She would make peace with whatever he decided.
“My brother was the star of the family. He got top marks in school. He was on every sports team. And he shadowed my father on the weekends at the office. He was like my father in so many ways.”
“And what about you?”
“I was a couple of years younger. I wasn’t the Lockwood heir and so my father didn’t have much time for me. I got the occasional clap on the back for my top marks, but then my father would turn his attention to my brother. For the most part, it didn’t bother me. It was easier being forgotten than being expected to be perfect. My brother didn’t have it easy. The pressure my father put on him to excel at everything was enormous.”
Holly didn’t care what Finn said, to be forgotten by a parent or easily dismissed hurt deeply. She knew all about it when her father left them to start his own family with his mistress, now wife number two.
But this wasn’t her story, it was Finn’s. And she knew it didn’t have a happy ending, but she didn’t know the details. Perhaps if she’d dug deeper on the internet, she might have learned how Finn’s family splintered apart, but she’d rather hear it all from him.
“Everything was fine until my brother’s grades started to fall and he began making mistakes on the football field. My father was irate. He blamed it on my brother being a teenager and being distracted by girls. My brother didn’t even have a girlfriend at that point. He was too shy around them.”
Holly tried to decide if that was true of Finn, as well. Somehow she had a hard time imagining this larger-than-life man being shy. Perhaps he could be purposely distant, but she couldn’t imagine him being nervous around a woman.
“My brother, he started to tire easily. It progressed to the point where my mother took him to the doctor. It all snowballed from there. Tests and treatments became the sole focus of the whole house. Christmas that year was forgotten.”
“How about you?” He didn’t say it, but she got the feeling with so much on the line that Finn got lost in the shuffle.
He frowned at her, but it was the pain in his eyes that dug at her. “I didn’t have any right to feel forgotten. My brother was fighting for his life.”
She lowered her voice. “But it had to be tough for you with everyone running around looking after your brother. No one would blame you for feeling forgotten.”
“I would blame me. I was selfish.” His voice was gravelly with emotion. “And I had no right—no right to want presents on Christmas—no right to grow angry with my parents for not having time for me.”
Her heart ached for him. “Of course you would want Christmas with all of its trimmings. Your life was spinning out of control and you wanted to cling to what you knew—what would make your life feel normal again.”
“Aren’t you listening? My brother was dying and I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t have some stupid toys under the Christmas tree. What kind of a person does that make me?”
“A real flesh-and-blood person who isn’t perfect. But here’s a news flash for you. None of us are—perfect that is. We just have to make the best of what we’ve been given.”
He shook his head, blinking repeatedly. “I’m worse than most. I’m selfish and thoughtless. Uncaring is the word my mother threw at me.” He swiped at his eyes. “And she was right. My brother deserved a better sibling than I’d turned out to be.”
Holly placed her hand atop his before lacing their fingers together. A tingling sensation rushed from their clasped hands, up her arm and settled in her chest. It gave her the strength she needed to keep going—to keep trying to help this man who was in such pain.
“Did you ever think that you were just a kid in a truly horrific situation? Your big brother—the person you looked up to—your best friend—was sick, dying and there was nothing you could do for him. That’s a lot to deal with as an adult, but as a child you must have felt utterly helpless. Not knowing what to do with the onslaught of emotions, you pushed them aside. Your brother’s situation was totally out of your control. Instead you focused on trying to take control of your life.”
Finn’s wounded gaze searched hers. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
“I’m saying it because it’s what I believe.” She freed her hand from his in order to gently caress his jaw. “Finn, you’re a good man with a big heart—”
“I’m not. I’m selfish.”
“Is that what your mother told you?”
“No.” His head lowered. There was a slight pause as though he was lost in his own memories. “It’s what my father told me.”
“He was wrong.” She placed a fingertip beneath Finn’s chin and lifted until they were eye to eye. “He was very wrong. You have the biggest, most generous heart of anyone I know.”
“Obviously you don’t know me very well.” His voice was barely more than a whisper.
“Look at how much you do for others. The Santa Project is a prime example. And you’re a generous boss with an amazing benefits package for your employees—”
“That isn’t what I meant. My father...he told me that I should have been the one in the hospital bed, not my brother.” Holly gasped. Finn kept talking as though oblivious to her shocked reaction. “He was right. My brother was the golden boy. He was everything my parents could want. Derek and I were quite different.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks. It was horrific that his father would spew such mean and hurtful things, but the fact that Finn believed them and still did to this day tore her up inside. How in the world did she make him see what a difference he continued to make in others’ lives?
And then a thought occurred to her. She pulled his hand over to her slightly rounded abdomen. “This is the reason you’re still here. You have a future. You have two little ones coming into this world that you can lavish with love and let them know how important each of them are to you. You can make sure they know that you don’t have a favorite because they are equally important in your heart.”
“What...what if I end up like my father and hurt our children?”
“You won’t. The fact you’re so worried about it proves my point.”
His gaze searched hers. “Do you really believe that? You think I can be a good father?”
“I do.” Her voice held a note of conviction. “Just follow your heart. It’s a good, strong heart. It won’t lead you astray.”
“No one ever said anything like this to me. I... I just hope I don’t let you down.”
“You won’t. I have faith in you.”
His gaze dipped to her lips. She could read his thoughts and she wanted him too. Not waiting for him, she leaned forward, pressing her lips to his.
At first, he didn’t move. Was he that surprised by her action? Didn’t he know how much she wanted him? Needed him?
As his lips slowly moved beneath hers, she’d never felt so close to anyone in her life. It was though his words had touched her heart. He’d opened up and let her in. That was a beginning.
Her hands wound around his neck. He tasted sweet like the fresh batch of Christmas cookies that she’d left on a plate in the kitchen. She was definitely going to have to make more of those.
As their kiss deepened, her fingers combed through his hair. A moan rose in the back of her throat. She’d never been kissed so thoroughly. Her whole body tingled clear down to her toes.
Right now though, she didn’t want anything but his arms around her as they sank down into the nest of blankets and pillows. While the storm raged outside, desire raged inside her.