If my life were a comic book, my situation would be summarized like this. . . .
“When we last left our hero, he was trapped inside the four impenetrable walls of his locker, brutally imprisoned for three long days, or very possibly all of eternity, by his evil archnemesis, Thug Thurston! Will our courageous hero make it out alive? Or will he be EATEN like a helpless SARDINE with Cheez Whiz and ketchup on the cold, hard CRACKER of DOOM?!”
I cowered in fear as a dark, phantom-like figure moved slowly down the hall toward my locker. And even though its shadow was massive, it made an unusually annoying, but vaguely familiar, high-pitched sound.
I didn’t have the slightest idea WHO or WHAT it was. As its shadow fell upon my locker, I held my breath and cautiously peeked out.
That’s when I saw . . .
Since it was so late, I assumed he was finishing up his work and about to head home.
That’s when I started yelling like a maniac. “HELP!! HELP!! PLEASE!! I’M STUCK INSIDE MY LOCKER, AND I CAN’T GET OUT. IT’S KIND OF AN EMERGENCY! HEEEEEEEELLP!”
The janitor stopped in his tracks, cocked his head, and just stared.
He appeared to be trying to figure out which locker the cries for help were coming from.
FINALLY! I’m going to be rescued!!
I was SO happy and SO relieved, I wanted to do my victory dance right there inside my locker. I never thought in a million years that a school janitor would end up saving my life.
I didn’t know him that well. But I DID know he had a really tough job.
I mean, would YOU want to clean up vomit, unclog toilets, peel gooey wads of toilet paper off the bathroom ceilings, scrape gum from under desks, and do other assorted totally disgusting tasks?
EVERY SINGLE DAY for thirty years?
For a bunch of loud and obnoxious middle school kids?
I didn’t think so!
No wonder the guy was always so GRUMPY!!
In spite of my personal problems, I suddenly felt GRATEFUL to be alive.
But mostly I was grateful I didn’t have to clean up after 750 NASTY middle school students!
“UM . . . THANK YOU!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!” I yelled through my locker. “I WAS STARTING TO THINK THAT I’D NEVER GET OUT OF HERE!”
The janitor nodded his head and then picked up his mop.
WHAT?! Was this guy going to try to pry my locker open with the mop handle or something?!
“EXCUSE ME, BUT I CAN GIVE YOU THE LOCKER COMBO. THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER THAN USING YOUR MOP!” I said.
Then he did the strangest thing.
He actually started to . . .
DANCE?!!
Listen, I was super happy about getting out of the locker too.
But I couldn’t help thinking . . .
DUDE!! Let’s save the VICTORY DANCE until AFTER you rescue me! Okay?!
Then things took a very TRAGIC turn!!
I finally noticed that the janitor was wearing . . .
AN MP3 PLAYER AND EARBUDS?!!
“NOOOOOOOO!!! HE CAN’T HEAR ME!!” I groaned and kicked my locker door in frustration.
The janitor didn’t have the SLIGHTEST idea I was just inches away from him.
I could have just reached through the locker vents and SMACKED him (well, if I had, like, really teeny-tiny hands)!
And thanks to the VERY loud music he was blasting, it was going to be IMPOSSIBLE to get his attention.
Unless I maybe set my math book on FIRE and hoped he noticed the SMOKE billowing out of my locker.
It didn’t take long for me to realize there was one thing WORSE than being trapped in my locker. . . .
Being trapped in my locker while being FORCED to watch a school janitor dance while singing off-key.
Sorry, but the guy was so bad, he couldn’t carry a tune in his mop bucket.
But since I was a captive audience, all I could do was cringe while he sang and played air guitar on his mop handle.
It was surreal!
He was like some kind of delusional geriatric rock star on his farewell world tour . . .
THE KING OF CLEAN ROCKS!!
Then, in the middle of his song, he played a super-intense air guitar solo for three minutes.
Next he hopped down the hall like a 170-pound bunny on steroids. . . .
And for his finale he ran, dropped to his knees, and slid twenty feet down the hall. . . .
. . . dramatically ending his song with a fist pump right back in front of (you guessed it) . . . MY LOCKER.
Talk about CRUEL IRONY! DANG!!
But, singing aside, I had to admit he put on one HECK of a show!
For an old dude with a mop, anyway.
I would have enjoyed it a lot better if I hadn’t been watching it from, you know . . .
INSIDE OF MY STUPID LOCKER!!
After bowing to his thousands of imaginary fans, the janitor pushed his cart into a closet and started turning off all the lights in the building.
Then he danced down the hallway, past my locker, and right out the side exit door.
I know!
My REALLY bad day was getting WORSE by the minute.
Because NOW I was locked inside a DARK and CREEPY school building . . .
Alone.
While trapped INSIDE my locker.
With no food.
No water.
And no bathroom.
For an entire three-day weekend.
Sorry, but that was just WRONG on so many levels!
