part0036

Describe the event using facts only. Do not use emotions. Let it speak like a police report if you do use emotions. “Patient seemed upset.” It works better to sound like a police report if you talk in third person. However, don’t take this habit into the real world. That’s just confusing. Don’t make a request or “dry beg.” Dry begging is saying obnoxiously passive-aggressive things like, “I really need thirty bucks,” or, “Wow, that cake looks good. I wish I had some.” The best response to dry beggars is: “Yep. You do.” Or it could be, “Yep. It is.” If they really want it, they’ll get around to asking like an adult. It might go like this – say you’re from a religious family, and your teenager decides not to go to church. You might reply, “I’ve noticed you don’t like church. Let’s discuss the options of staying home.”

Express yourself with “I feel” or other “I” statements. These types of statements help the speaker take accountability and prevent the listener from immediately going into defense mode. Let’s go back to the teenager staying home from church example. Now, you might say something like, “I feel like you should believe what I believe, but I know that you’re your own person, separate from me, and I can’t force my beliefs on you. I would like you to come to church with us because my worry is you won’t be productive at home.”

Assert your position by either directly asking for what you need or stating your position clearly. Don’t beat around the bush, don’t use euphemisms, and don’t hesitate to the point of losing the other party’s interest. To continue with the example, let’s assert our decision for our hypothetical teenager. “I understand that you don’t want to come to church with us, and you are old enough to stay home alone. So, if you choose to stay home instead of attending church, you will prepare dinner and set the table and have everything prepared for us to be able to eat when we return, and you will make enough in case we invite people over unexpectedly. If you are unable to complete this chore, and thus, be productive for the whole family while we are at church, you will come back with us, even if you don’t believe it.”

This is important because ambiguity creates miscommunication in relationships, and that is the biggest source of contention. Be unambiguous. Set boundaries now. If you’re making a request, it must also be unambiguous, maybe even a little lawyerly.

The other party might have other caveats. Such as, “Yeah, but it overheats, so don’t go over 55 mph, or over 55 miles away. And my tags are expired, so avoid cops. Or renew it for me.”

Make sure the other party knows why they should grant your request, or acquiesce to your conditions without a fight. “Because I said so” is not a valid reason. Most people reciprocate naturally.

You might say something like, “You get to stay home from church on the condition that you are productive at home. Since you don’t like church and I don’t like cooking after church, it’s a win for both of us.”

Or in the example with the car, it might sound like this, “I actually need to drive to a different city for a few days, but I can’t rent a car because of (XYZ), so I’ll get your car diagnosed for you, and if I can afford to fix the overheating problem, I will. If not, I’ll see if anyone else can part with their car for a few days, or find another solution.”

This is important because relationships are built on reciprocity. When one party feels slighted occasionally, it’s not a big deal. But if one party feels slighted more often than not, they will most likely end the relationship.

Stay focused on the conversation. If you’re answering a text, they have no reason to listen to you. If they’re answering a text, that’s out of your control, but you can keep your mind on the conversation instead of what they’re doing. If they become defensive, notice what you may have said wrong, and apologize if necessary, even if it’s just to get them back on track.

This is important because it’s too easy to go off track and lose focus, especially in an uncomfortable situation, where the other party might be looking to pick a fight. If you go off on tangents, whether they be to sing and dance because someone said a song lyric, or to fight, or because one of you saw a squirrel, you have less of a chance of getting what you want. Especially if you’re the one singing and dancing or chasing squirrels.

Your teen may interrupt you to tell you they’ve been cutting church every week with their friends from Sunday School anyway, so there’s no point in going. You may have to repeat yourself a few times, especially if you’re letting them stay home as long as they’re productive, as they may not believe their ears.

Again, repeat yourself as often as necessary, and if you have a real kid, you’ve done that a few times already this morning. And bring the conversation back to the topic. Detour…focus. If we’re using the example of asking an adult friend for something, you don’t have the clout you do as a parent. You still may have to repeat yourself, but the interruptions might just be singing and dancing.

You might say something like, “I understand you don’t like church, and you cut Sunday School anyway. But you will get something out of it every week if you continue going, and I would like that.” Or, “If you’re going to stay home, you’ll need to cook for us, and I’ll take the added precaution of changing the Wi-Fi password every Saturday to make sure you’ll be productive. If you can prove that you are, that you don’t have friends over, that you cook and clean as you go, I’ll stop doing that.”

Appear confident no matter how you actually feel. If you have this look about you all the time, little old ladies will ask you for a napkin at a restaurant when you’re on a date, and it might not even occur to you to tell them you don’t work there, so you walk into the kitchen and get the napkins.

Your nonverbal cues indicate confidence more than your verbal cues. Sit with your back straight, and your head held high. Make eye contact. Orient your feet towards the other person. Where your feet are oriented is where your mind subconsciously goes. Appear confident and stand your ground.

This is important because confidence signifies that your request isn’t too difficult to grant and that you’re harder to turn down. There’s no need to be overbearing. If they do refuse you, in an adult-to-adult conversation, you might just ask if they’re sure, then thank them for their time and let it go.

If your teenager refuses you, this might be a good time to tell them what the other option is. “Okay, you don’t have to learn to cook. And if you can read, you can cook, by the way. You can keep coming to church with us, and thank you for letting me know about cutting Sunday School. I’ll be sure to tell your friends’ parents you all do that because they’ll want to know too. I’ll let them know you told me. Thank you for caring about the salvation of your friends, who also should go back to church.” This will most likely ensure you an excellent meal every Sunday.

Negotiate. Remember, “give to get,” as selfish as that sounds. Everyone wonders, What’s in it for me? You aren’t demanding something. You’re asking for something or setting down a rule. Even in setting down rules, you aren’t demanding. If you think you can demand something of someone, even a child, expect defensiveness and confrontation. Give options.

You may need to alter your request to make it more pleasing. In the borrowing the car example, you offered to get the car diagnosed (AutoZone does it for free) and fix it if you could – and if you couldn’t, you’d find another solution to your problem.

This is important because building relationships may or may not be the most important reason we spend a few decades on this planet, but it certainly takes up most of our time. Whether we spend that time in actual relationships with other human beings or wondering why we drive other human beings away, we spend an inordinate amount of time either with other people or thinking about them, whether we know them personally or not.

So, if we spend our energy browbeating others and expecting them to kowtow to us, that only works if you have money, and even then, not everyone likes you, even if you somehow win elections. Mere mortals, without insane amounts of money, can’t behave like that. We have to negotiate and play nice.

Going back to the example of the teenager, this is pretty much already a negotiation. They still refuse to go to church or cook, and they tell you they don’t care if you call their friends’ parents. They really do. This is when you pull out your phone and look up the numbers of the kids’ parents, who you probably know, at least by name already. Google White Pages are great. Some rules are not to be negotiated. If, however, you start the conversation with trying to force them to go to church, this idea is a perfect negotiation, and now it seems (to them) that you’ve given in some.

But for example’s sake, you do try to negotiate. You might say, “Okay, if you don’t come to church with us on Sunday, you still need to be productive at home. Would you rather have a list of chores to do? What is your suggestion for being productive, other than homework, because I don’t want you deliberately putting it off until Sunday?”

This approach helps your child feel like they have a say – like their voice is heard and not invalidated. If you start off demanding they go, then negotiate to this, you can offer it as a suggestion, and ask which of your suggestions they like best.

Specific - Try to be as specific as possible as to what actions you want to take. Be sure that you are aware of the involved steps in taking the necessary action. A specific goal is easier to achieve compared to a general goal. For example, just setting up the goal of spending more time with your child may not allow you to know if you have already achieved it. A more specific goal is to have at least a one-hour playtime every day. Being specific with your goal will allow you to assess whether you have already accomplished the goal or not and monitor your progress.

Meaningful - Assess if your goal is genuinely based on your values in comparison with a strict rule or a sense of what you must do. If you think that your goals don’t have a deeper sense of purpose or meaning, try to assess if the goal is really influenced by the values you hold dear. Take note that your core values should be based on things that provide meaning to your life.

Adaptive - Make sure your goal will help you follow a direction that you think will greatly improve your life. Assess if your goal will move you closer or is steering you away from the real purpose of your life.

Realistic - There’s a big chance that you will only feel disappointment, frustration, or failure if you set goals that are not really attainable. Try to find a balance between setting goals that are quite easy versus goals that are impossible to achieve. Be realistic and practical so you can really push yourself to achieve your goals.

Time-Bound - You can specify your goals even more by adding a time and date by which you want to accomplish them. If this is not possible, or not realistic, try setting up a time frame and doing everything you can to make certain that you work within this limit.

Our best plan and values will not be meaningful if they are not supported by action. Equipped with the knowledge of the core values you really want to pursue, you can start moving forward towards living a valuable life.

Putting other people down. Sometimes, when a person doesn’t feel so great about themselves, they may have to resist the urge to tear someone else down. A great way of being masterful at this is to avoid comparing yourself to others. When you feel a sense of inferiority, then you may try to pull others down so you feel better about yourself. However, if you are not in competition with others then it’s less likely that you’ll feel inferior to them. When you put other people down, the positive feeling only lasts temporarily, and you don’t get a positive response from others; in fact, it often just makes things worse. Focus on your own uniqueness, and not comparing yourself with others.

Thinking you’re better than others. You are not better than anyone else, and no one else is better than you. This is a universal truth that all should embrace. When you start to tell yourself that you’re better than other people, then you’re essentially trying to replace your feelings of unworthiness with the unhelpful belief that other people are not as good as you. This tendency will ultimately make your relationships worse. Again, you should focus on your inherent value and uniqueness instead of trying to make yourself believe that you are above other people. Truly masterful people are so convinced of their own self-worth that they actually want to encourage others to have a masterful life too.

People pleasing. Often, people who are chronic people-pleasers also have a chronic and deeply-felt dislike of themselves, to the point that they feel like they have to win the approval of others. Often this dislike is subconscious, so you may not be aware of it. However, you do not have to be desperate for others to like you and approve of you. Whether they do or not does not change your own inherent value and self-worth.

Refusing constructive criticism . Everyone, without exception, has some areas that could benefit from some improvements. This is part of what makes you human. The consistent development of a person is a part of their ultimate destiny. No one ever totally arrives at it, as self-actualization is in the process. When you refuse constructive criticism, it signals that you believe critique means that you’re inadequate. Change your beliefs to include the more helpful alternate belief that everyone needs healthy constructive criticism to become unstuck and continue to evolve as a person. Don’t be ashamed of your shortcomings or try to use perfectionism to cover up weaknesses. Instead try to recognize them, receive constructive criticism, and grow in the process.

Avoiding failure or rejection. If you’re constantly living life in a manner that you think will help you avoid failure or rejection, then you will probably benefit from revising your thoughts and creating some healthier alternatives. Temporary failure is inevitable at times and rejection may rear its ugly head periodically. However, you must learn how to tolerate the distress and keep moving forward or else you’ll end up being stagnant out of fear of failure and rejection.

Avoiding emotions. Trying to block emotions is not healthy, nor is it something that is sustainable long-term. Having a wide range of emotions is a part of the human experience, and being strong doesn’t mean avoiding them. Allow yourself to fully experience negative emotions and then use strategies to change the situation or change your thoughts about the situation.

Trying to control others. That is not your job. You do not have to prove your significance by trying to make other people conform to what you want. Instead, focus on your own self-improvement.

Over-defending your self-worth. No one is saying you have to be a doormat for others to stomp all over, but if you find you are compelled to always defend yourself, then that’s an indicator that you’re struggling with self-confidence. If you are okay with your own inherent self-worth, you won’t feel the need to constantly defend yourself. Don’t allow yourself to become outraged every time a person says something about you that you don’t like or offers an opinion that differs from your own. Instead agree to disagree, tolerate any negative emotion, change how you think about your own inherent self-worth and keep moving forward with your goals. Remember, you can show yourself respect even if other people don’t respect you in the same way.

Blaming other people for your problems. Of course, you have had your share of difficulties. In fact, more than half the American population has had some traumatic experience, so you are in good company. What separates people who accomplish their goals from people who don’t are their attitudes and behaviors. Do not blame nature or other people for your problems. Don’t blame your past, genetics, hormones, or anything else for what you’re currently experiencing. Focus on accomplishing your goals and don’t get sidetracked by playing the blame game.

Understand that you will make mistakes. You are human, which means that without question, you will make mistakes at some point in your life. During some stages of your life, you will make more mistakes than others. The key is to course-correct by changing your thinking and behavioral patterns. Expect that sometimes you will make mistakes and that they are important, because the lessons you learn are key for your own personal development.

Try new things. Don’t be so afraid to try something different. The more you try new things, the more things you’ll find that you’re good at. Also, you’ll become more confident as you see that trying new things can actually turn into positive experiences. If you “fail,” surely you will have learned something in the process.

Be silly on purpose. This is a great way to avoid being ashamed when you mess up. Purposely engage in a silly activity in public. For instance, wear a big crazy hat on the train or walk through the mall wearing a loud, colorful, mismatched outfit. Practice self-acceptance skills while you’re doing these silly things and you’ll discover that you’re not as easily shamed anymore.

Laugh at yourself. It really is that simple. When you feel the urge to be overly critical, or you start to feel shame creep up, begin to laugh at yourself. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Things happen. Learn to laugh about it instead of ruminating about it.

When in social situations, focus on things other than your own performance. Take the focus off of yourself and move your attention to a more external focus. What are your friends doing and saying? What does the atmosphere look like? What are the smells you’re experiencing? Try to identify them. Enjoy the flavors of any meal you’re enjoying. Try to be mindful of your environment instead of focusing on internal thoughts and impulses. This is a great distraction technique. Be intentional about not having a requirement to feel absolutely safe in your environment and learn to enjoy yourself.

Creativity. Tap into your creative side. If you have natural creative talents, express them. Take some time to participate in activities that you truly enjoy. The more masterful you become with your creative endeavors, the better and more confident you will feel overall.

Be adventurous. Stop trying to avoid unpredictable outcomes. The chances of you being able to accurately predict the outcome of every situation are slim, and your tendency to be overly cautious only makes life more chaotic for you.