Roget gave it the old college try, but there aren’t enough workable synonyms to both vary the language and write fluently in English. The words “concede” and “acknowledge” can be used transposably in most instances, but I really need some alternative power verbs. Roget’s starter Thesaurus was an Anglo-French-Swiss production and it would have benefited from Hellenic and Slavic contributions as well. He was a physician by training, though, and his maiden volume encompassed only 15,000 words. Moreover, his first scientific love was optical illusions and hence the advocacy for his Persistence of Vision theory, and his personal love for being name checked by JM Barrie. Thus, if he were alive today and was requested to write a sequel but was similarly limited to 15,000 words, he’d admittedly confine his entries to words that met the family viewing threshold. I, however, don’t have that luxury, for reasons that will become apparent.
‘So I spent a lot of time researching the best vacuum cleaners, having overrun a few different brands over the years, and they all have clumsy engineering. They make marks in the carpet, the wheels don’t roll well, it’s difficult to replace the bag and when you do, dust goes all over the place. Bagless are the worst. They don’t have enough suction and are more difficult to empty, or the owner is an autistic asshole – make that and the owner is an autistic asshole – sorry, make that neurodiverse asshole to an authority like you. I thought I’d finally found the best. However, the hose keeps falling off. This probably isn’t interesting to you. Sob stories about household appliances. If this was human gossip instead. And you have work to do.’
‘I do have a client arriving soon,’ she remarked. ‘Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind your sob stories. Misery loves company. And I don’t mind hearing about someone else’s mess, that someone else has to clean up, not me.’
‘Good point,’ I granted. ‘And you can also tell me what type of “serenity shopper” it is that you have, that you counsel in your home office.’
‘I promise to do that too,’ she said.
‘You have promised that already,’ I indicated, and laughed, because this promise had no deadline and potentially no fulfilment center. ‘This reminds me of someone who was waiting for a colleague to send him a link. He told me that he reminded his colleague every day and still it wasn’t forthcoming.’
‘Maybe if he hadn’t it’s because he wasn’t going to send it?’ she asked.
‘Not sure yet,’ I said, and laughed again. ‘This is still a work in progress. It’s only been a few weeks. And his colleague has to get the link from someone else, who might be in no hurry. But that’s not why it bothers me.’
‘Why then?’ she again asked.
‘Because, it’s that he tells me every day that he reminded his colleague every day without results. The colleague annoys him because he has to remind him every day, but it’s not annoying that he tells me this every day. Go figure,’ I explained. ‘If you’re gonna say something with no intention of doing, say it once and no more. “Say something once, why say it again?” Now I understand the importance of those lyrics.’
‘That’s funny,’ she said. ‘I sympathize with you.’
‘Thanks, I think he’s manic depressive, but another time. At least he’s not on the spectrum, or at least I don’t think so.’
‘Speaking of which, that’s my doorbell,’ she said. ‘Gotta go.’
‘Really?’ I asked, checking the time on my phone. It was three minutes before the hour.
‘This time yes,’ she said, at which we both acknowledged the angle of the long hand once more.
‘Until tomorrow then,’ I said.
‘Bye.’