BUT THEN MY HEART ROSE TO
THREE TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE

“Woman charged after driving car into sheriff’s office

Crowley, 35, was arrested late Saturday after allegedly crashing her car into the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office building

According to police, Crowley was out on bail for her alleged role in the November armed robbery of Busby’s Market and Deli

The case is still under investigation”

Crowley can get arrested in this town.

About three months ago, I stopped at a twice burned, once shy intersection to examine a storefront that had been empty for two and a half years, one zoned for hospitality but on a corner which seemed both jinxed and doomed. Undaunted, an optimist took on the lease and refashioned the inside as a new age hoagie bar, with music and moderate-alcohol beverages to match, according to a scoop in the newborhood free paper. Scroll down to the comments, and someone’s got stomach cramps.

“Upon purchasing the flat, I was assured by the freeholder that the premises below would not be a drinking establishment. I’m incredibly anxious about the noise pollution of a late-night restaurant. I am a vegetarian and therefore, the smell of a grill below my home would be very distressing and contrast with my ethical choices.”

Let’s hope he’s not hydra like. My advice to him is to taste his processed food before topping it with salt, because this condiment might already have been added on the assembly lines, and why double your exposure to high blood pressure risk? Late-breaking news story, however. When I walked past this new restaurant yesterday, a sign was posted in the front window to the effect that it would be closed for two to three days due to a sudden and unexplained electrical fault. A vegetarian who is good at sabotaging electrical wiring. I did not see that one coming.

The dream was back. “I’m counting on you to do me a king sized favor,” she said, a delicately kissing angel when she started the sentence but a barely recognizable Mr Potato Head when she finished.

The cops told me to go away when I asked for directions, because the “what’s in it for me” answer to the question of what happens if you breathalyze a pedestrian just out of a Livingston Taylor concert is too readily apparent.

Did I try laughing, Crowley’s evil twin asked me.

Laughing in his grave, I wondered?

George Wallace would be crying in hell, Crowley’s alter ego noted. He would indeed.

And where are they now?

Happy Helen sadly passed away despite enrolling in the venerable 97 Club for four and a half months, though Armin is still hanging on in the nursing home where they shared their final few years, greatly relishing visits from his grandchildren and great grandchildren, and not so elegantly reminding them not to forget the “Hawaiian Punch” next time.

MB is lobbying up a storm in DC, and retelling to anyone who will listen that the Glass-Stegall Act was originally proposed by two southerners, and “nuff said about that.”

Pepe is, (shh!) with utmost finesse and delicacy organizing a behind the scenes coup in his beloved Venezuela (shh).

The Animal exchanged his forklifts and trolleys for the keys to an amusement park, to save his literally aching back. The most popular rides are The End of the World and the Crunchy Spots. In the first, the Ferris Wheel proceeds at a normal pace but suddenly drops, causing your stomach to drop out as well. In the second, go cart drivers gain extra points for avoiding the intentionally laid speed bumps and potholes.

Tom is still running a leisure center in Long Island. However, in response to changing demographics, he has reduced the number of Spinning and Pilates courses, and replaced them with after school dance and singing lessons. Never the pessimist, he opened an eye-care center for that age group in a spare side space, called fittingly enough The Optimistic Optician.

Jeff manages the IT department of a systems integration services supplier to state governments in the tri-state region.

Once their lovely children had grown and moved out, Kelly and Laura teamed up to purchase an antiques warehouse in Arundel, where they take turns managing the consignment co-partners and the numbers. Their guilty pleasure is soft serve ice cream cones on Friday afternoons during the summer high season. While they were devouring their chocolate vanilla swirls and otherwise spoiling their appetites, I was walking in with the hope and expectation of surprising them, but we were ships in the night and I settled for resting two autographed copies of Polo in the Snow next to the cash register.

Dan bought the rights to The Book of Lists from David Wallechinsky but pivoted toward urban myths that turn out to be true. He was unable to find out what a Shondell is.

And Cindy is still teaching science at Spruce Mountain High, and loving it.

The list could go on, but you’ll have to take that up with Dan.