CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - CADEE

 

Cooper and I lie in each other’s arms, my back tucked up against his chest, his face pressed against my neck, him gently kissing me while his hand cups my breast. And the sigh I let out in this moment is monumental in nature.

It is one of tremendous relief.

It is one of settling.

A feeling that I haven’t experienced since my father died three years ago and then, shortly after, my mother and I moved into the attic in the inn and my life started unraveling thread by thread.

I lose myself in the settling.

And suddenly Cooper feels surreal. Being here in his house. The scholarship at the end of the summer. The new friends, the new clothes, the new everything.

Then comes the guilt.

What kind of terrible person loses her mother one month ago and just slips into a new life like this? A new life filled with privilege. Pool parties, and champagne toasts, and lakeside mansions that hold angsty bully kings inside.

And let’s not forget that you might actually be looking forward to going to High Court College. Even though your parents lived on this campus since you were born, and they never wanted that for you.

Is this rebellion? Do I have some secret desire to erase everything they taught me?

I don’t think so.

Then why?

Why am I doing this?

I should not be looking forward towards the future. It’s too soon. I should be stuck in the past. At least for a little bit.

And I should not want to go to this school or get involved with their weird secrets.

But… I do.

I have wanted to be a part of High Court since I was a little girl. Oh, how I wanted to wear the prep-school uniform. The mustard-yellow pleated skirt and the perfectly-tailored navy-blue blazer with those fighting lions embroidered in gold on the left breast pocket. The crisp white shirt and the navy and gold striped tie. Don’t even get me started with the white knee socks and those gold tassels bouncing along their calves as the rich girls walked through the beautiful central gardens that my father created like they owned the world.

And they did. At least in my mind.

I do love who I am. But is it so wrong to want more? Is it so wrong to grab the golden ring when it’s in reach?

Cooper turns over and I slip out of his arms. He’s sleeping hard. And for the first time in years, I wonder how Cooper is really doing.

I turn too. And I study him in profile. His mouth is open a little, his breathing slow and even, but a little bit loud. Like he’s tired.

That’s what he told me that one night we were talking in his boat. I’m tired, Cadee.

And he is. I can tell. He wants out so bad.

And I only want in.

I swing my legs out of bed, put my clothes on, and leave his room. I don’t know where I’m going. Maybe Mona is outside smoking.

But then, when I get to the bottom of the stairs, I hear noises in the kitchen.

I silently creep down the long central hallway and enter the great room to find Ax leaning against the large soapstone island. His back is to me, and even though there are no lights on, the moon is shining through the French doors.

His back. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before, because Ax never takes his shirt off. He hasn’t been swimming in the pool once so far this summer. And even three years ago, when we were together for months, he never took it off then, either.

And now I know why.

Scars. Long gashes cover his back like… claw marks. But there is almost no animal alive that can make a gash like that. Maybe a lion or a tiger, but come on. That’s just stupid.

So how did they get there?

He turns to the industrial-sized refrigerator, swinging the door open so I can’t see his face. Then he takes a jug of milk over to the far counter, gets a glass from the cupboard, and stares at it in his hand for a few moments too long.

He uncaps the milk, lifts it to his lips, and drinks straight from the jug. And then turns again and sees me with my mouth hanging open.

Because he’s got scars on his chest too.

“Cadee,” he whispers, quickly putting the milk down. “Is everything OK?”

“Is everything OK?” I repeat.

“What’s wrong? Why are you down here?”

“Ax,” I say, walking towards him, unable to stop looking at the large, round burn marks where his fighting lions should have eyes. I reach for them with my fingertips, but he grabs my hand in his fist before I can touch him. When I look up he’s staring down into my eyes. “What is this?”

He sighs, lets go of my hand and then shrugs. “Exactly what it looks like.”

“Is this why you sleep in the boathouse? Does the Judge—”

But I can’t finish. Because when I think about it, of course this is what the Judge does to him. The man is huge. Easily the tallest person I’ve ever met. And broad too. That’s where Ax gets his build from, but his father is a whole other level of muscular. The Judge looks like he used to wrestle for the WWE. Or maybe he was some kind of mercenary in another life. He is that scary.

I’ve never had to appear before the Judge myself. I’m one of those good girls, after all. But I’ve heard the rumors. He doesn’t give anyone three strikes. He throws the book at them the very first time.

Even Ax didn’t escape his wrath in that department. He didn’t go to jail, but I know about his stints in rehab. And once I heard he spent half a year in a psych ward. That was way before I knew him.

Ax sighs again, because my silence is long. And now I don’t know what to say to him. He simply lifts the milk jug back up to his mouth and drinks. Then he wipes his lips with the back of his hand, caps the milk, and puts it back in the fridge.

When he turns back around he’s smiling. “Don’t tell Coop I did that. He fucking hates it.”

Then he walks away. Like he’s just going to leave.

I jog to catch up with him and grab his arm before he can get out of the great room. “Hold on. You’re not leaving.”

He grins at me again. “I’m pretty tired, Cades. I’m gonna crash. You mind if I take your room? I’ve been sleeping in there for two weeks and you’re pretty preoccupied with Cooper these days.” He shrugs, then smiles again. “I can smell your hair on the pillow. I kinda dig that.”

I’m shaking my head at him.

“That’s a no?” He laughs. “You’re telling me no?”

“You don’t get to walk out without telling me what all these scars are.”

He cocks his head at me. “Come on. You know what they are.”

“That bastard did this to you?”

“Actually, no. It was my mother. She’s fucking certifiable.”

“Wait. You have a mother?”

“Cadee, everyone has a mother.”

“Yeah, but—”

“You thought she was dead? No. I didn’t get that lucky. My father keeps her locked up in a wing of our house. Every now and then, if we’re having a big party, he’ll drug her up and put her in a wheelchair and let her come sit downstairs for a while. But she’s been out of it for so long now, so many drugs, I doubt she could sober up even if she wanted to.” He pauses. Finds my eyes. Stares down into them. “And I don’t think she wants to.”

“How did I not know this?”

“That I have a mom? Or that she uses me for carving practice?”

“Both.”

He shrugs. “You never asked, Cades. Everyone else knows.” He turns again. Like this conversation is normal and it’s over now.

I grab his arm again. “Wait. Ax.”

He doesn’t turn around. Just kind of side-eyes me over his shoulder. “What?”

“The burns on your tattoo. Those aren’t old.”

“No,” he agrees. “They’re not.” He pauses for a few moments. “Anything else?”

I know he wants to leave. But I’m not going to let him. Because he and I are… more than this. I don’t really have a word for it, we’re just… more than this.

“Yes,” I say, coming around in front of him. Then I wrap my arms around his middle and hug him.

“Cadee.”

He tries to push me off, but I don’t let go of him. I just shake my head and say, “No. I’m not letting you walk away without this hug. I don’t even care if you hug me back. I just want to hug you forever and never let you go.”

He takes a deep breath and I can hear his heart. He’s a lot taller than me so my ear is right over the top of it. It thumps fast and erratic inside his chest. And then he wraps his arms around my shoulders and hugs me back. “I don’t need the hug, Cades. But if you do—”

“Shut up, Ax.”

We stay like that even after it gets weird. And I do not care.

“If Cooper saw this, he’d get jealous.”

This makes me pull back a little. But I don’t let go of him. Just in case he wants to walk away. “He didn’t used to get jealous.”

“Yeah, he did.”

“What? No, he didn’t.”

“Cadee. Come on. Maybe you didn’t see him when I was with you, but I was always watching him watch us.”

I frown. “But… it was his idea.”

“Yeah, well.” Ax sighs. “Sometimes things change.” Then he carefully pulls my arms from around his waist and backs up, creating distance between us again. He keeps backing up. Like he’s afraid to take his eyes off me. “I think this is it, Cadee.”

“This is what?”

“Goodbye, ya know? It was fun. And I do like you. I’ll always be there for you. But…” He shrugs. “All good things must end.”

Then he salutes me, turns away, and walks down the hallway towards my old room.

 

 

The next morning, I have a feeling. I can’t explain this feeling and maybe it’s just about Ax’s midnight goodbye, but something seems wrong.

Cooper and I get ready separately, and even though I know I should bring Ax and Lars up, I don’t. Not because I don’t want to, but because my mind is stuck on those scars on Ax’s back and the burns on his chest.

I don’t know what to say. I just feel with all my heart that something needs to be said and I feel guilty for not saying more. Ax might not be everyone’s dream man, but he’s got a soul inside him. He feels things deeply. He just doesn’t show many people that side of himself.

Valentina sees it though. She stuck up for him.

And this leads me down a rabbit hole of questions about Ax and Valentina. I’ve seen them together lots of times. Ax is a toucher, so I’ve seen them close. But aside from that kiss during day one of rush, I have never seen them together as a couple.

And even though Valentina didn’t hint that they are a couple, she pretty much stated outright that they are partners. At least in the society.

Lars and Selina don’t kiss, but now that I think about it, they do hang out a lot. Maybe hang out is the wrong word. They… gravitate to each other.

And of course, Cooper and Isabella are a thing. Just not an exclusive thing. She’s not jealous of me, that’s for sure. She hasn’t made a single derogatory remark for weeks. So she’s not in love with him. And he’s certainly not in love with her.

But there’s something there.

Cooper doesn’t notice my distraction this morning. He smiles, he talks, he opens doors and lets me walk through first. But something is definitely on his mind too.

“Wait,” I say, pulling Cooper back to me before we leave the woods. “What do I do today?”

“Just…” He stares down at me. And his deeply disturbed eyes have a look of concern. “Stay away from Dante. Help in the kitchen, I guess. I don’t care, Cadee. You can just hang out in the cabañas if you want. I don’t think anyone is going to mess with you. Do you?”

“No. I don’t think that.” Then I shrug. “OK, then. Good luck with the challenge. I’m going to go help in the kitchen.”

He smiles, then leans down to kiss me. It’s not a make-out kiss or anything. Nothing spectacular. It’s just very… natural. Like kissing each other goodbye in the morning before work is something we do. “Thanks. We’ll talk later.” And then he walks off towards the pool, where Lars is hanging out in a group with Michael and Jamie and I go inside the Glass House and make my way to the kitchen.

“Well, look who it is.”

I find Victor’s face as I’m searching for an apron in the locker room. “Hey. How’s it going?”

He folds his arms and leans against the door. “Didn’t expect you back.”

“Why’s that? I’m here for the summer just like you.”

“Yeah, and you’re certainly not going to walk out now.”

I smile at him patiently, the way one might smile at an annoying child. “Listen, Victor. Thanks for the warning a couple weeks ago, but I’m fine. I filled in for Mona and now I’m just going to do my job, finish the summer, and then go to school like everyone else.”

Victor stares me down for a moment. It’s uncomfortable. But I finish tying my apron and keep smiling. “What do you need me to help with?”

“You know what my problem is with you, Cadee?”

“I could not even begin to imagine. But I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“You think you’re doing us a favor when you decide to show up in the kitchen. Like you’re a visiting family member asking if she can help with the dishes after dinner. And you’re not. You’re an employee, Cadee.”

“Thanks for the update.”

“You report to people here.”

“I know.”

“And it’s not Cooper Valcourt.”

“Is it you?” My tone is overly sweet now. I’m so not interested in fighting with this guy.

He actually sneers at me. “No.”

“Then who do I report to?”

“You can serve the coffee. But hurry up. The second challenge is today.”

As if I didn’t know that.

I don’t know what Victor has stuck up his ass, but I suspect it has something to do with me not accepting my place and station in life. So I don’t spend any more time thinking about it. I just get the coffee ready without speaking to any of the other servers, and try to control my nervousness about what’s coming today.

And when I go outside and start setting up the coffee service in the tent, all the girls look pretty nervous too.

“Cadee,” Sophie whispers as she comes up to me.

“What’s up?”

“Do you know anything about the challenge today?”

Cooper knows what the second challenge is, obviously. But he didn’t fill me in on it. “No. But don’t worry about it too much, Sophie. You’re going to be fine. Michael is on your side.”

“Right.”

“He didn’t mention anything?”

“No. He didn’t know.”

Or he’s lying. But I don’t say that out loud. Sophie is a gentle soul. But not the same way I am. She’s also… weak. Always on the verge of falling to pieces.

“Mona is in the house!”

Everyone turns to see Mona walk out of the woods, her hands up in the air, her trademark just-fucked hair piled on top of her head. Her lips are glossy red and she’s dressed in head-to-toe black. I’m talking cargo pants, t-shirt, and combat boots. She looks like she’s been cast as an enemy tart in the next Mission: Impossible movie.

“Yay!” I say, smiling at my new friend, but then realize—I’m the only one happy to see her.

Except Dante. “There she is, folks. My woman.”

Mona makes a face. I wait for her bodyguards to appear, but she enters the tent alone and there are no men in black coming out of the woods.

Dante is approaching Mona, but she puts up a hand and walks right past him over to me.

“Hey, where’s Meat and Chatter today?” I ask.

“Ask your boyfriend,” Mona says.

“What?”

“Cooper said I couldn’t bring them anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because they fucked up my challenge, that’s why,” Dante says.

Mona turns to Dante. “You got your way, asshole. But if you think the scariest thing about me is my troop of bodyguards”—she lifts her sunglasses up so she can stare him in the eyes—“you better think again.”

Dante mumbles, “Bitch,” and then walks off.

“He really told you they couldn’t come?” I ask Mona.

She sighs. “Yes. Apparently, Dante’s father called the Chairman complaining about the bodyguards and managed to get them banned from the rest of the challenges. So we’re on our own.”

I look around at the other girls and figure the bodyguards probably aren’t needed anyway. Elexa and Ivan are best friends now. Sophie has Michael. And Maddie, Natasha, Jamie, and Roland have settled into some kind of foursome. But they look happy. They’re sitting over at a small table laughing and smiling at least.

“But don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” Mona smiles at me. “I know how to handle Dante.”

I catch Victor shooting me a dirty look from across the tent at the other side of the service table. And when Dante wanders over to grab some fruit, Victor leans in to whisper something in his ear.

Dante’s eyes immediately find mine. “Fugling!” he yells. “Get your ass to work before I let the Chairman know you’ve been fucking off this whole time.”

Mona and I roll our eyes at each other. “Go. I’ll take care of him.” She saunters off, calling Dante’s name, and I gather up trash and straighten the glassware.

Cooper’s hand slides over my hips and he leans in to whisper. “Don’t let him get to you. Just ignore it. He’s just pissed because he knows I’m looking for a way to cut him.”

“I’m fine. I’m actually looking forward to working today. I’ve had enough sitting out by the pool.”

He kisses me on the cheek and this time when I look around the room, I catch Lars staring at me. I give him a little wave and he returns a half-hearted smile.

Yeah. Cooper and I need to have a talk with him.

Maybe Ax is OK with how things are shaking out between Cooper and I and doesn’t need to have a conversation about it. But Lars definitely does.

But then everyone is interrupted by Ax. “Hear ye! Hear ye!” he belts out from the front of the tent. “Line up for challenge two, ladies!” He’s wearing a pair of faded jeans with lots of holes today and a white t-shirt that says ‘Crybabies are Losers.’ His wallet chain flaps against his leg as he paces back and forth, those evil eyes of his searching the tent like he’s looking for a victim.

It doesn’t quite have the same effect on any of us this time. I think we all know that Ax is dangerous and will beat the shit out of you if you cross him, but deep down he’s got a really soft heart. Especially for girls.

And I have to give him props for that. If my mother had wounded me the way his did, I might harbor some deep-rooted resentment of women.

All the girls look at each other nervously, wondering what this challenge might be.

I sigh and lean against a chair.

“Get. To fucking. Work.”

I look over at Victor, startled. “What is your problem?”

“You work here, Fugling. And we need help in the kitchen. You’re not here to enjoy the show.”

“Whatever.” I push off the chair and walk towards the Glass House, cursing Victor under my breath. And once inside, everyone seems to have a job for me to do. Starting with scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees.

They have the curtains open today. And the other servers are setting up for what looks to be an elaborate luncheon, but the door is closed, so I don’t hear anything that happens outside in the tent.

All I see is Sophie crying hysterically as the other girls do their best to console her.

One of the servers comes through the door from outside and I stop her before she can retreat into the kitchen. “What happened to Sophie?” I ask.

The girl—no clue what her name is—smirks at me. “She was traded.”

“Traded? What?”

“Yup. Dante bought her right out from under Michael.”

“Yes!” a boy says behind me.

“What’s good about that?” I ask.

He laughs. “We have a pool going and they were my picks. I just won a thousand bucks! Drinks on me tonight, people!”

They all whoop and holler, enjoying Sophie’s fear and sadness.

I want to go out there and console her—tell her she will be fine. I made it, she can too. Even without the bodyguards. But I hesitate. Because the only reason Dante didn’t make my life a living hell was because Meat and Chatter had their eye on me every second of the past two weeks.

Then he’s there. Dante is standing in the doorway to the Glass House. “Fugling,” he barks. “I need you to massage my feet. Get your ass out here. Now!”