Chapter Twenty-Eight

I’M STANDING IN MY KITCHEN waiting for the microwave popcorn to finish popping while Kenny and Fanci are arguing in front of my TV over whether they’ll watch Pirates of the Caribbean, Naked Gun, or Bambi when the shouting starts. It comes from Shannon’s room, where Shannon is supposed to be taking a nap, and is comprised almost entirely of cuss words.

I start heading toward her room but she meets me in the hall with a wild look in her eyes.

“What’s going on?”

“My water broke.”

“Ah, great. That’s just great.”

All I can think about is the mess and the expense. I’ll have to get a new pullout sofa. Nobody’s going to want to sleep on old amniotic fluid.

“Come on. I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

She leans forward and braces herself against the wall while drawing in a gasp of pain.

“It’s too late,” she pants.

“What do you mean, it’s too late?”

“Once my water breaks, my babies come pretty fast.”

She puts one hand under her immense belly and holds on to the guest room doorjamb with the other.

“What are you looking at?” she screams at me. “I told you I was going to have the baby today.”

“I thought you were joking. No one knows exactly when they’re going to have a baby.”

“I do.”

“Then why didn’t you make plans?”

“These are my plans.”

“To have it here?”

“You were a cop. You know how to deliver babies.”

“I also know how to do body cavity searches. It doesn’t mean I want to do them.”

She lets out a shriek.

“Okay. Come on. Let’s calm down,” I tell her.

“Little girl,” she shouts over my shoulder, “get me some blankets.”

I turn around and find Fanci standing behind me.

“No,” I tell her. “We’re not going to ruin my blankets. Go in the shed out back. There’s a big blue tarp.”

“I’m not having my baby on a tarp,” she screams at me.

“Yes, you are,” I scream back.

I feel a tug on my jeans. Two big, frightened eyes are staring up at me.

“I want to go home,” Kenny says.

“No,” Shannon barks at him and starts lumbering toward him. “Nobody’s going anywhere.”

He ducks behind my legs.

Fanci hasn’t moved yet. Shannon pins her against the wall with her belly.

“This is what happens when you have sex, little girl,” she snarls at her. “If you have sex this is what’s going to happen to you.”

Fanci’s impressive composure shatters. Her face becomes a mask of pure childish terror. She wriggles free of Shannon’s bulk and sprints out of the house toward the shed.

“Oh, God,” Shannon moans.

“We have to boil water,” I tell Kenny.

“She wants Cup-a-Soup?”

“No, it’s to sterilize things.”

“What’s that?”

I start rummaging through my house looking for anything useful. I get a knife, scissors, salad tongs, clothespins, a bottle of whiskey.

Kenny follows me around like a puppy while Gimp remains firmly entrenched beneath the kitchen table.

“What do you need that for?” he asks about the Jack Daniel’s.

“We might have to hit her over the head.”

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because this is a happy time,” I tell him honestly, even after I push aside the image of knocking Shannon unconscious with a bottle of JD. “This is fun. This is good. When this is all over, we’re going to have a baby.”

He doesn’t look all that convinced, but he trots after me as we take our equipment into Shannon’s room.

She’s sitting propped up on the bed with every pillow in my house behind her, blowing out air like a stalled locomotive.

“You’re going to ruin my pillows,” I moan.

“I’ll buy you new pillows,” she spits at me. “I’ll buy you a new bed. I’ll buy you a new fucking house.”

“Watch your language,” I tell her. “There’s a little kid here.”

“You think I care about a fucking little kid? Why is there a little kid here?”

“Can we hit her yet?” Kenny asks.

“Not yet.”

Fanci shows up, almost as out of breath as Shannon. She’s holding a bright blue plastic tarp in her outstretched arms.

“No way,” Shannon shouts when she sees it. “I’m having a baby, not pitching a freakin’ tent.”

“Just set it there, Fanci,” I tell her. “Can you go get a cold, wet washcloth?”

“Oh, God,” Shannon screams.

She grips the comforter until her knuckles turn white.

“Are you okay? Maybe I should call an ambulance. One could be here in a half hour.”

“No! I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong. What do you expect? It hurts. Don’t you remember?”

“How far apart are your contractions?”

“I don’t know. Do you see me sitting here with a stopwatch? I guess a couple minutes.”

Fanci returns.

“Put it on her forehead,” I tell her.

She gives me a look of absolute disbelief.

“Do it,” I command her.

She moves hesitatingly toward Shannon’s side and gingerly places the washcloth on her forehead the way she might pet a cobra.

“Okay,” I tell my sister, “let’s see what’s going on here.”

Fanci and Kenny spend the next twenty minutes standing near the door doing their best not to look at Shannon while the contractions grow closer together. I tell them they can go into another room, but they want to stay. I tell them they can sit down, but they want to stand. Kenny leaves once and comes back with the bag of popcorn. Every time Shannon screams, Fanci turns paler and Kenny plugs his ears with his buttered fingers.

When Shannon starts pushing, her face turns a deep purplish red and a blue vein pops out on her forehead. Amazingly, she still manages to have enough energy to swear and scream despite the effort it takes to expel an eight-pound human being from her uterus.

I try to be as encouraging as I can and I try to keep her focused on the work, not the pain.

“There’s the top of his head,” I say excitedly.

Kenny shows some interest, but Fanci looks like she’s going to faint.

“Wait, Shannon. Wait for the contraction. Bear down with the contraction.”

“Go to hell! Are you telling me how to have a baby? You’ve only had one. Big fucking deal.”

“You’re going to tear,” I tell her. “You want me to cut you?”

I hold up the knife so she can see it.

“I’d be happy to cut you.”

“Don’t cut me. I don’t need to be cut. Just let me push it out. I want it out. I want it out. Out. Out. Out.”

“I don’t get it,” Fanci speaks for the first time since bringing the washcloth. “What are you talking about? Where are you going to cut her? Where is it coming out?”

“You know what you’ve got between your legs, little girl,” Shannon tells her through gritted teeth while her vein pulses ominously on her forehead. “Use your imagination.”

Fanci’s waxen face takes on a tinge of green.

“That’s impossible,” she says.

“You’re almost there, Shannon. You’re almost there. Here’s his head. I see his face. Oh my God, there’s his little face. A shoulder.”

I cradle the tiny head and put my hand out as the rest of the body enters the world. He’s perfect. And he’s a she.

“It’s a girl,” I cry.

Kenny comes running over.

“How can you tell?” he asks excitedly.

Fanci stays where she is.

“Congratulations,” she says weakly.

Her knees finally give out, and she sits down hard on the floor.

“What’s wrong with her?” Kenny’s enthusiasm wanes. “She’s covered in gunk. Why is she purple? She’s all wrinkly and ugly.”

“She’s not ugly,” I defend her as I busy myself cleaning her off and making sure she can breathe.

Her eyes are wide open and staring but she hasn’t made a peep yet.

“What is that?” Kenny shouts suddenly.

“The umbilical cord,” I explain. “It brought the baby food while she was inside her mom.”

Kenny rushes over to his sister, grabs her by the hand, and tries to drag her to her feet.

“Fanci, you gotta see this. It’s the grossest thing ever.”

She stays on the floor.

“Fanci, come here. I need someone to hold the baby while I cut the umbilical cord.”

“Cut?”

“Come on. You don’t have to watch if you don’t want to.”

She gets up reluctantly and walks toward me, making certain not to look at Shannon. I have a towel draped over Shannon’s legs. I put one over the placenta, too.

“Sit on the bed. Put this towel on your lap and hold her there,” I instruct her.

She does what she’s told.

She takes the baby and peers into her face.

“She is wrinkly and ugly. Why is she so skinny? I thought babies were supposed to be pudgy. Kenny was pudgy when he came home from the hospital. And he was a nice color, too. And he smelled good.”

“She’s going to look that way, too,” I tell her.

The baby begins to cry.

“She’s crying. She hates you,” Kenny says gleefully to his sister.

“Shut up,” Fanci snaps at him. “Why’s she crying?”

“We want her to cry. It’s good for her lungs. It’s what she’s supposed to do.”

“What’s her name?” Kenny asks.

“Babies aren’t born with names, stupid,” Fanci responds, a little of her old cockiness returning. “Someone has to name them.”

“Can we name her?”

“It’s not up to us,” I explain.

“Can she see? Can she see us?” Kenny leans over her and waves. “Hi, little baby.”

She continues crying, and he looks up at me.

“She wants her mom,” he states knowingly.

“Okay. I have a few other things to clean up. Why don’t you two go into the other room and I’ll be with you in a couple minutes.”

I take the baby and swaddle her in a pillowcase. I don’t have any baby blankets and a towel seems too rough.

I rock her in my arms and coo at her. She starts to calm down.

“She’s going to be hungry,” I say to Shannon.

“There’s formula and bottles in my car,” she replies dully.

I hold out the baby to her.

“I don’t want to hold her.”

“Come on,” I urge her.

Maybe if she holds her, she’ll keep her, I think to myself. Maybe she’s never held one of her children. Maybe that’s been the problem.

She won’t even look at her.

“I said, I don’t want to hold her.”

“She’s beautiful.”

“Of course, she’s beautiful. I always make beautiful babies. Lucky for me.”

“Can I get you anything?”

“I’ve got Tylenol with Codeine in my bag for the after contractions. And I could use a glass of water.”

“Why don’t you let me call a doctor?”

“Why? I’m fine.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

The memory of Mom dying in her bed fills my head. A complication of childbirth. The angels taking her to live with Jesus. I nestle the baby tighter against my chest and remember holding Shannon the same way. I remember the terror I felt looking at Mom’s dead, staring eyes. I tried to ignore them. I kept talking to her. I sat beside her and kept touching her cold arm. Long after I knew it was hopeless, I kept pretending. Long after I knew in my heart I would never feel safe again, I kept living.

I always believed Shannon was immune to all of it. She was too little. She couldn’t possibly have known what was going on. She couldn’t have felt what I felt. She never knew Mom. She never knew love. She couldn’t miss what she never had.

I never stopped to think that the not-having part could be worse than anything else.

“Don’t worry about me,” she says, staring out the window yet reading my thoughts. “I’m not going to die like Mom. I’m not a wimp.”