What brought us here? How did we arrive at this point in our lives? Sometimes, you lay awake asking yourself questions such as these. They’re not always easy to answer, not in a simplistic, straightforward kind of way. Life and its journeys aren’t all crisp and clear. Black and white. The grey, in-betweens have a lot to answer for. I have spent a lifetime getting to where I am now and I’ll probably spend another one, deciding where I go next. Or maybe, my path is already decided for me. I’m unsure whether it’s me who makes the decisions, or whether the decisions are written on a blue print in my subconscious-mind, which I follow obediently along the way.
I wake in the gentle glow of another sunrise in France; the warm, comforting arms of my love wrapped around me. His breath, soft on the hair of my neck, as he slumbers. I wonder whether he questions our existence here as much as I do. He is such a realist. So firm and steadfast. I don’t think his mind rambles as much as mine and I know for certain, that he only believes in the here and now. I question the future, as much as the present and am nostalgic for the past.
After years in a foreign country, I miss my ‘home’ and yet, I am positive that the moment I return there, I will be desperate for this life. I find myself in a predicament. Where do I really want to be?
My life here in Treignac is as perfect as it comes. I don’t seek to find pure perfection as such. I know that a search for its existence is futile. I only seek the comfort of a peaceful, happy life. I cherish every moment that I spend in this blessed, beautiful land and know how truly fortunate I am to be here. I’m not lucky! I hate it when people tell you how lucky you are to live in such a wonderful place. It has nothing to do with luck.
Jean and I left Australia on a whim. A well-deliberated vagary of sorts. We made brave or careless decisions, as some may see them, to leave well paid, secure places of employment, at a time when they were few and far between. We sold everything we had, to come here. We have no fortunes in bank accounts, no hidden stocks and bonds, no real estate to return to, no safety net to catch us should we plummet. We plunged head first into the total unknown and have never once looked back. That’s one thing you must never do, if you intend on changing your life as dramatically as we have. As lunatic as it may seem, you must rush head and heart first, into your dream. Otherwise, it’s likely you’ll be overwhelmed and confused by morbid procrastination.
I’ve known friends and acquaintances who have dreamt for many years of doing things such as these. Departing on life-long dreams. Abandoning themselves to the other side. They will go to their graves, having never lived the life I have. I weep for them. They will never know the pure and utter joy of being totally out of control. The gut wrenching fear of not knowing what happens next but hoping with your entire being, that whatever it is, it will be okay.
I departed Sydney in a terrible state of health. I had suffered for many years with chronic fatigue syndrome and knew that I had to change my lifestyle and place of residence, if I was to regain any sense of normality. My treating physician had spoken of my need for clean, fresh, country air and a more organic, simple life. We had racked our minds for a do-able solution. A place where I would thrive and we would both feel content. Following our gut instincts and coming here, has not only saved my health but has opened my mind to an entirely fresh way of thinking. It challenges me almost every day. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally but always for the betterment of my spiritual growth and strength.
I’m having so much fun, and it’s those everyday, commonplace dramas that make me laugh the most. How can all these crazy, wonderful things be happening to me? The simple answer is, I’ve chosen them. I have exactly what I deserve and what I have wished for. My life is as joyous or as mundane as I allow it to be.
Jean stirs and I break from my early morning, subconscious reveries.
‘Bonjour Marisa,’ he whispers, kissing me softly on the cheek and pulling me tighter into his embrace.
‘Bonjour, mon amour (Good morning my love). I was just thinking …’
‘Thinking? What about?’ he yawns.
‘Oh the usual … life, the universe, the state of the nation …’
‘My God … it’s a little early for that, isn’t it? You’ll wear yourself out.’
‘I suppose … I was wondering what happens next?’
‘Well, you turn over this way and I’ll show you …,’ he says, a seductive laugh leaving his lips.
‘A one-track mind … I didn’t mean right now, here … in bed’
‘Oh, sorry Chérie (darling),’ he smirks, tugging at straps of my satin nightdress.’ I thought you did!’
‘No, I mean … what comes next? Where do we go from here? What happens when we’ve had enough? Will we ever have enough? Do we have to go back home?’ I ramble.
‘Wow! You have been busy this morning, haven’t you? All that before your first morning café au lait … I’m impressed and exhausted,’ he jests.
‘Stop it. You’re making fun of me as usual.’
‘Marisa, relax. You’re always thinking too much of the future. Just worry about today, if you have to worry about something. You’re happy, aren’t you?’
‘Basically, yes … of course I am. I don’t think I could find more happiness or better health elsewhere. I have everything I need …’
‘Well, in that case, stop worrying about what comes next. When it comes … we’ll both know about it soon enough.’
‘You’re right as usual. You’re a pain, you know? Okay, I promise I’ll try to relax.’
‘That’s more like it … but right here, right now … your highly intelligent husband is desperate for his early morning, wake-up cuddle,’ he smiles.
‘Oh … poor Chérie. We can’t have that, can we? I might even manage to produce one of those, before my coffee … if you’re lucky,’ I whisper, grinning.