it was kindergarten
& i did not know english
so i could not talk
without being ridiculed
& the teacher did not want me in her class
she was white, too
she said i do not know
how to teach someone
who only speaks spanish
& the kids did not want me in their class
they were white, too
they said we do not know
how to be friends with someone
who only speaks spanish
& i was the only Mexican
& i only spoke spanish
i watched a lot of tv
& everyone was rich & white
my family was poor & Mexican
my family only spoke spanish
& in school i felt so lonely
my loneliness would walk home with me
my loneliness held my hand as i crossed streets
my loneliness spoke spanish like my family
& this is how i learned to equate
my family with loneliness
how i learned to hate my family
how i learned to hate being Mexican
& i watched a lot of tv
& everyone was rich & white
& what i wanted was to grow up
& be rich & white & speak english
on shows like Seinfeld or Friends
on shows with laughtracks, big hair, & cardigans
& what i wanted was friends
to walk home from school with me
& what i wanted was a teacher
to give me gold stars like the other kids
& what i wanted was to stop eating welfare nachos
with government cheese
& it was kindergarten
& i loved all the white girls in my class
Robin & Crystal & Jen & all of the white girls
whose names i’ve forgotten
i wanted to kiss them
i thought kisses were magic
& i hoped i could learn english through a kiss
that i could run my hands through their hair
& find a proper accent
i loved white girls
as much as i hated
being lonely & Mexican
lord, i am a 25 year old man
& sometimes still a 5 year old boy
& i love black women & latina women
& i tell them in spanish
how beautiful they are
& they are more beautiful & lovely
than all the white women in the world
i tell them in spanish
how lonely it is to live in english
& they answer with a remix of my name
yo se, yo se, yo se
José Olivarez