“Let me in.” Nash’s voice comes from outside my bed chamber. I know a guard is stationed there with Jaku and Inkga in here while the healer wraps my arm. It’s tricky business, since I can’t help her lift it, but she manages fairly well.
I nod to Jaku, trying to ignore the lightheadedness plaguing me since I woke. He opens the door, letting Nash inside.
The man I love has pale, dark circles under his eyes. Has he had a hard time sleeping again? “I heard they sent for a healer. What happened?” His voice is frantic as he inspects the healer’s work.
“She woke up with the wound,” Inkga says. “I swear no one came in the room to hurt her. Do you think it could be related to the poisoning?”
“It’s not.” I speak for the first time since I got Inkga’s attention to grab a healer.
“Then how did you get this wound?” the healer asks. “It's a clean cut, like it’s from a sharp blade.”
I do like to keep my blades in prime condition, and that goes over into my dreams. I keep my lips firmly pressed together and glance at Jaku, not daring to look at Nash. This isn’t the time to discuss it. Can’t have rumors going around that the queen has gone crazy. I’m not sure many people would believe me, except Nash and Jaku. Inkga, maybe. The council would probably see it as an excuse to have me executed, so they could pick a sane queen. It’s a stringent rule that must have the entire council’s approval to be enforced. It’s cruel to those who grow old and senile, but no queen has had a problem with the law that I’m aware of—until me.
Yes. Definitely time to keep quiet.
The healer hmpfs. “Fine. Don’t tell me. But you’d better tell your Head of Guard. He needs to know how to keep you safe, as I’m sure this was knife work.”
“I swear I didn’t let anyone in,” Inkga says again.
“I know,” I tell her.
She wrings her hands as the healer packs up her equipment, leaves a few instructions about how to care for my wound, and is out the door, claiming she’ll be back later to check on me.
Inkga says, “Is there anything I can do for you? Anything I can get you? Say it, and I’ll make it happen.”
My old body back. Saying that would be unfair. “Would you check on Puneah? I want to make sure she gets washed all right, without biting anyone.”
“Of course.” She stops moving her hand. “I’ll get right on it, and I’ll bring some breakfast up with me on my return.”
“Thank you.”
She hurries to go before turning back to me. “I’m glad you’re all right. I don’t know what I would have done if you were hurt seriously.”
I nod, words eluding me.
She leaves, and we’re alone with a single guard outside my room. Jaku and Nash each approach a side of my bed, coming close, probably so we won’t be overheard.
“What happened?” Jaku asks. “How did you get sliced on the arm when no one was in the room but Inkga? Are you sure it wasn’t her?”
“Of course it wasn’t.” I’m getting tired of telling him that. It’s all he’s been asking since he arrived. “The cut came from me,” I say.
Nash’s face scrunches up. “Ryn, I thought you were over hurting yourself. And how did you move enough to make that happen?” His face lightens. “Are you getting your strength back?”
“No.” The word comes out of me more harshly than I mean it too, but the pain in my chest is so great, it’s difficult to be anything but harsh. More calmly, I say, “Sorry. No. Let me explain. I was dreaming of Androlla and had full use of my body. We were talking, when I got the idea that I could kill her and be done with everything. Except, when I cut her arm, I woke to pain and my arm bleeding.”
Both men are silent, as they exchange a glance. Jaku says, “I think it’s safe to say you can’t harm Androlla in your dreams without hurting yourself.”
Nash curses. “Sorry. This whole thing has me frustrated. I can’t believe it hurt you. Do you believe she was injured as well?”
I think back to the moment I cut her. How she lifted her arm. Her smile. The pain. “I don’t know. I think so; her arm was red. But she didn’t mind. She grinned at me like she hadn’t a care in the world. However she’s defeated, I don’t think it's from something happening in a dream.”
Nash looks down at my bandaged arm. “What do we do now?”
“I’m afraid I know the answer, but no one is going to like it.” When I have their full attention, I say, “I need to speak with Daros again.” I could have him tortured, but would that give the First Queen more of an upper hand? More of a footing to overtake me?
“Are you having a joke?” Jaku asks. “He played you last time. What’s to keep him from doing it again?”
“I’ll make him give us the information first this time. But he’s the only one who knows what to do. I have to work with him if there’s any chance of getting rid of her. I could tell him lies, but I wonder if that's giving the First Queen more power.” The First Queen’s presence draws near, dark and heavy. “She doesn’t relish the idea of me meeting him again either, which makes me think it’s a good one,” I say.
“I don’t like it,” Nash says.
“I think you’ve lost this one, Ryn,” Jaku says.
“Except you’re both forgetting one thing.”
“Which is?” Jaku runs his free hand over his stubble. Probably didn’t get a chance to shave this morning.
“I’m the queen. I get to do what I want.”
Nash huffs.
“As one of your council members, I would advise against it,” Jaku says.
“As your Head Advisor, I also advise against it.” Nash’s tone is firm.
“Then what should I do?” Out of habit, I try to point to my head, but my hand only twitches. “There’s nothing stopping her from taking over. It's a matter of time. I don’t like having to deal with Daros, but for once, he’s the lesser of two evils.”
Which is rather disgusting.
“When do you want it arranged for?” Jaku says, sounding resigned
“You mean you’re agreeing with this?” Nash yells.
“I have to do as the queen desires,” Jaku responds.
Nash lowers his voice, but it still holds a hint of tension. “And I have to do what’s best for my queen.”
“Which is talking to Daros,” I say. “I know you don’t like it. I don’t, either, but we have to get some answers.”
He shakes his head. “Fine.”
“Now that we’re all agreed, I’d like to go see him.”
“Let’s wait for Inkga to come back with Puneah and food,” Jaku says. “You need something in your system, and I’ll feel better if Puneah is with us when we go talk to Daros.”
“The creature doesn’t unnerve you?” I ask.
“Oh, she does. That’s why I want her around. Besides, she seems attached to you, and I want you to be surrounded by those that care as much as possible.”
Sounds like a good reason. The truth is I’d be more comfortable with Puneah around as well.
“I’m going to make arrangements.” Jaku looks at Nash. “You’ve got her?”
“Nothing will harm her while you’re gone. I promise you that.”
“And I’ll hold you to that promise,” Jaku says.
“I’m right here.” Because they’re talking around me, like I’m not or can’t hear.
“Sorry,” Jaku says. “I want to make certain you’re taken care of.”
“You’re forgiven.” He does have the right thought, but I wish to be included in plans about my own safety. Though it’s something I’ll probably never be able to do again. I clench my jaw, to keep from spouting off how I feel about it.
Jaku leaves, and Nash stands and presses a kiss to my forehead—a faint, feather-light kiss, but there, nevertheless. I close my eyes reveling in the safe, secure feeling—the love that I feel for him and he shares with me, even if we can never be together. I need that. I need to feel his love for me. His strength.
There’s a soft touch on my hand, and then the pressure increases slightly as he squeezes it. I open my eyes to find him looking right at me. “What?”
“Wishing I could take this away.”
I sigh. “You and me both. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.”
He wraps both his hands around mine. “You’d have Jaku, Inkga, and Jem.”
The thought of them being here to help me threatens to close my throat, so I quickly switch topics. “How is Jem?”
He squeezes my hand more. “She’s managing. She thinks she’s hiding her feelings from everyone, diving into work with the other ladies-in-waiting and training them to fight as well as practicing, but it’s obvious there’s something missing from her life.”
I wish it didn’t have to be like that. That Wilric was still here for her to flirt with. To learn from. And if my suspicions are correct, to love.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask.
“Anything.”
I bite my lower lip, unsure I can tell him. But if I let it fester inside, where only the First Queen knows of it, she’ll use it against me. “I feel like it’s my fault Wilric died.”
“What? No. Why would you say that?”
“Because he died saving my life. He died protecting me. If I had never come here, he wouldn’t have been in that position.”
“I understand, but think about it. It was his job to protect you. More than that, if you hadn’t come along, it’s unlikely that he would have met Jem. That they would have formed a relationship. That he would have found such joy in serving and loving. Or that he would have died in such an honorable way, saving you, which I know he wouldn’t want any other way.” His eyes are wet, but the tears don’t fall.
Part of me feels at peace from his words, but I’m still conflicted. “You don’t know that. There’s no possible way you could.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, my queen. He may have died suddenly, but we spent long hours talking whenever we got the chance. One of the things we talked about was death, and he mentioned how he would rather die in the service of the crown, especially for such a worthy queen, than any other way. He was pleased he could be of such use.”
I think the words over. Can it be true? I know he can’t have wanted to die—not like I did when I first came to the palace, but in another way? A way that left him honored?
“What’s more,” Nash continues, “I know he was happy. He had an excellent life, a good family that he got to see sometimes, and he was falling deeply for Jem. Even if they could never marry, they could touch, which is more than what we could have in public. There was peace in his life and service. He was happy. What better time to go than when everything is as you want it?”
“But he could have had more. A wife and children. A long life.”
“Yes, but in the guard you know your time isn’t long. Protecting the queen is dangerous when things are so unstable, and your life is constantly in danger. I’m just sad to see a good man—a friend—go.” This time a couple of tears do drop down his cheeks.
I wish I could wipe them away with my kisses. That I could take away the pain of losing a friend. Instead, I cry with him, mourning the loss of one so brave and true. One who should have had a long life, full of the people he loved and the things he enjoyed doing.
But Nash is right. It’s not my fault.
It’s Daros’s.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I pardoned him for all crimes. There’s no way to punish him without breaking my resolution. Despite that, I’m probably about to give him even more, since I need his help so desperately. Perhaps I should give into torturing him. But no. I won’t go there.
Nash runs a thumb across my face, drying my tears before his own. Once that’s done, he leans down, his mouth right next to mine and his breath warm against my lips. “I promise to take care of you. We’ll find a way through this.”
“And if we don’t?” I whisper.
“Then I’ll still be at your side the entire way.”
He brushes his lips against mine, soft at first, but firmer as the moments tick away. I press back, grateful I can do so, but wishing I could run my hands up his back and neck. That I could pull him closer to me.
As if reading my thoughts, he does move closer, puts a hand on my cheek, and deepens the kiss.
Everything going through me—every thought, feeling, touch—is like a bolt of energy rushing through me. Making me feel alive in a way I haven’t since long before I was poisoned. I'm full of so much feeling, I don’t know what to do with it.
I let myself get lost in the kiss. Lost in the feel of him. In the touch of his skin against my face. The way his fingers move toward my hair, then through it. I’ve never been so grateful I have control over my lips as I am in this moment. Talking is nice. Kissing is better.
He pulls away from my lips, and I’m about to protest, when his kisses trail along my jaw, up into my hair, and back down again.
I ache for him. To be with him. To love him. To marry him.
But those things can never be.
He breaks off, but only by a few inches. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“Because my heart is torn to shreds over the fact that we can never be together.”
He squeezes his eyes closed, as if in pain. “I know.” He kisses the wetness from my skin. “I know.”
To my sadness, he stands, brushes the remaining tears from my face, and grabs my hand once more. When he sits next to me, I have the most insane urge to jump on his lap and kiss him until I can’t remember a thing.
But I can’t lift my own hand.
There’s a knock at the door. Nash has barely enough time to pull his hand from mine when it opens. Guess it’s a good thing I couldn’t climb on his lap after all. It’s Inkga, which explains why she didn’t wait for me to ask her to enter, since I’ve given her permission to come in at all times. Though we haven’t told her about our relationship, I’d like to think she’d be happy for me and Nash and keep our secret. It’s not something I’m willing to test, though. Although I think of her as my friend, it’s still difficult to trust anyone with that secret.
Puneah noses her way between Nash and me, sits on the ground next to my bed, and lays her head on my bed, next to my hand. My fingers twitch but can’t reach her.
Inkga sets a tray on the nearby table. “What would you like to start with, for breakfast?”
Anything that will get rid of the heartache blossoming inside me.