Danny
I was late to school today. Normally, that would be awesome, but it was because of Allen’s funeral. I’d rather have been at school. I pull my lacrosse cleats from my gym locker and walk toward the field. As I make my way to the team, I see a bunch of guys standing in a big circle. When I get close enough, I realize Reese is standing in the center. Shit, he hasn’t been at school since I beat the crap out of him. I know they’re all probably talking about me, so I push through them to the center of the pack. Of course, everyone shuts up when they see my face, including Reese. I get a good look at him. He’s got a big rainbow-colored bruise on the side of his head, and some small cuts around his cheek.
“Finally came back to school, huh?” I ask. “Got anything to say about me now? I saw you all talking. What were you saying?” I look around at everyone, but no one says anything. Not even Matt.
Reese rolls his eyes. I’m just waiting for him to say something stupid, but he doesn’t. He says absolutely nothing. He bends down and picks up his lacrosse stick. “MOVE!” he yells at Noah as he shoves him out of the way. I watch as he walks toward the coach.
“Wow, Danny! Looks like he’s scared shitless of you!” Preston says.
“Well, yeah! Did you guys see Danny at the party?!” Matt asks. “He was all like, WHAM!— and then he pushed Reese down onto his back! And then he was like BOOM! BOOM!” Matt punches downward at nothing. Everyone just kind of ignores him.
“MARCELLO!” Coach yells. I look, and he waves me over. Reese walks away and bounces a lacrosse ball against the wall of the school. I can’t freakin’ stand this!
I walk over to coach angrily. “HE is the one that STARTED the fight! I didn—”
“Save it! Don’t care. Stay away from each other.”
“IT’S NOT—”
“I will bench the both of you if you don’t stay away from each other today, got it?!”
“What’d his parents call you and tell on me?”
“Long conversation with them and with your brother, OK? I don’t want to hear any more about it. We are a team, and we are going to start acting that way.”
“I’ll start acting like a team player when he starts acting like a team player!”
“Fair enough.”
“Huh?”
“I said fair enough. Go start your warmup.”
I turn around and see all the guys watching from afar. Matt’s still punching the ground, and the air, and all over the place. He jumps up and down. He’s such a freak.
“Hey, Marcello?” coach says just as I was about to walk away.
“Yeah?”
“He won’t do it again. Good on you, standing up for yourself.” He smiles.
A smile? a small little smile! I’m so used to the freakin’ sad eyes I get from teachers. Coach is different though. I run back toward the guys as he blows the whistle.
“Alright! Five laps around the school! Let’s go,” coach yells.
I dart by Reese. He doesn’t look at me, and I don’t look at him. I like it this way.
Peter
I’ve decided it’s time to work on myself, both mentally and physically. After the funeral this morning, I went to urgent care. I didn’t tell anyone. I dropped Danny off at school, and Kara assumed I was headed back to work. The doctor suggested I see a G.I. but warned me that I might need to wait months for an appointment. He suggested that I go to the emergency room after hearing my symptoms. But really, the ER? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I don’t have time for that! Who else will run the bakery? For someone who hates doctors, I feel like I’ve been at the hospital more than I’ve been anywhere else this year. Should I go? Hell, probably. Do I want to? Not at all.
I really should be heading back to the bakery, but I hear rummaging coming from Kara’s bedroom, and so I knock on her door. I guess she didn’t go back to work after the services either.
“Yeah?” she asks.
“It’s me… Uhm… Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I crack open the door. She’s sitting on the floor packing up a suitcase.
“What are you doing?”
“I told you. I’m leaving.”
I hate to admit it, but I don’t want her to leave. I’m scared. I don’t want to tell her that I need her, but I think I do.
“Please don’t go.”
She stops packing up her suitcase and looks up at me. She squints a bit, like I’m some sort of hard code to crack, but I’m not really that hard to understand. Let me make myself clearer.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I continue. I look down to my left and scratch the back of my neck. I don’t want her to see me get emotional. I’m so weak.
“Why do you even want me here? The money? You’ll figure it out. You’re doing great at the breweries, and with the classes. You can start your own business. You’ll be just fine.”
“No, it’s not that.”
I clear my throat and sit on the floor next to her. I look at her for a moment, but then I just fall back. I feel like I need to lie on the ground. It’s cathartic for some reason, and her fluffy pink rug is actually pretty comfortable.
“Then what?”
“I just don’t want to lose this rug, that’s all.”
She rolls her eyes at me and keeps folding her clothes. Maybe now isn’t the time for sarcasm.
“Please stop. Where are you going to go?”
“I was planning on staying at my parents for Christmas anyway. I want to spend time with my family.”
“What about me and Danny?”
“You’re not my family,” she says with a scoff.
I grab the shag rug in between my fingers, as if they’re scissor blades. I hold on tightly, like that will keep me from losing her too. “I’m sorry about what happened with Danny.”
“I’m really not mad at either one of you,” she says.
“Then why are you going to leave?”
“Peter, I’ve been here for one month and everything has already gotten too crazy.”
“That’s just my life! Everything in my life is always crazy! But you’ve been such a big help. You’ve made me feel less alone. You’re my only friend, Kara.”
She stares, and then lays back next to me. Her head touches mine. I imagine our hair tangled together, mixing like gold and red flame, burning too brightly and perhaps much too quickly.
“I—I need you.”
I sense her looking over at me, but my face still points upward toward the ceiling. I can’t look back at her. This reminds me of that night, the one where she left me on Woodside Avenue. The one where everything went to complete shit. I can’t let it happen again. She’s the only one that brings any sense of normalcy into my life.
“You need me?”
“I do. You make everything… You make everything make sense… and right now, I’m very, very confused. I— I don’t know how to say how I feel. I’m trying to learn how to express myself better. But I know that you… You are smart, and thoughtful, and in touch with your emotions. You’re everything that I’m not… and you make me better. And the only thing I do know how to say is this: I don’t want you to go.” I muster up all of my bravery and I look over at her. I let her see me raw, and emotional. I’m starting to realize that people actually like that. Sometimes bettering yourself isn’t just about learning new things, but unlearning old stuff too. I have so much to unlearn.
“I’m not that smart,” she says. She wraps her arms around me. “I know this month has been really bad for you.”
“This month? This whole decade. Hayley said that Mercury is in retrograde. I don’t know what that means, but maybe that shit is actually true.”
“Well, starting today it’s going to get better.”
“I don’t think so,” I say. I rub my eyes and push my hands up toward my forehead, combing through the hair on the top of my head.
“You should try to be opt—”
“I went to an urgent care today.”
“You did? Finally! What did they say?”
“That I should go to the ER immediately. They wanted to call an ambulance.”
“Why the hell didn’t you go!” She pushes my shoulder like she’s mad at me for being sick.
“I don’t want to go alone. I’m scared.”
She sighs a big sigh and breaks eye contact.
“That wasn’t supposed to make you feel guilty,” I continue. “You don’t have to come. I shouldn’t have even put this on you at all.”
She looks back at me. “Of course I’ll come with you, and it’s not because I feel guilty, Peter. I wanted you to see a doctor weeks ago!”
“Let’s go tomorrow though… First thing in the morning…When Danny is at school? He has Lacrosse practice too, so maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll be out of there before he needs to be picked up. He won’t need to know about this.”
“I think we should go now.”
“No Lacrosse practice will be over in a couple of hours, and anyway, I need to get back to the bakery. I have a big order for tomorrow.”
“Fine,” she says. She sits up. Wait. She’s still packing up her clothes. I sit up too.
“You’re still going to leave, huh?”
“No. But I am going to visit my parents for Christmas.”
“Oh. OK. You can do that.”
“Yeah, I know I can,” she says. She doesn’t turn back toward me.
“Well… I guess I’ll get back to work.” I stand and head out of the room.
“I’m not letting you forget about tomorrow, and I’m not letting you put it off either.”
I turn back around. She’s looking at me with daggers for eyes, like she’s not going to play anymore of my games. I don’t like the look, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
“I won’t, I promise.”
This is the first promise I’ve made in a very long time that I genuinely intend to keep.
Hayley
Another new day, but nothing’s changed. I still have no money, and Destiny and Jada are going at it again. I’m not sure why this time. I just don’t think it’s possible for them to get along. I stay in my room as much as I can. Sometimes it feels like the only way to avoid confrontation. I’m about to close my door to drown out the noise, but I hear something I wasn’t expecting. Jada isn’t fighting, she’s crying. I want to make sure she’s OK, but everything in me tells me not to get involved, I look down into Everleigh’s crib. She’s sleeping. I really don’t know how she does it through all the commotion. I decide that I’ll leave her be, and go downstairs.
“He got arrested again and it’s all my fault!” I hear Jada cry out. I can’t make out what the other women are saying, but it sounds like they’re trying to reassure her. I step slowly into the living room. Beth holds her baby, but the other children are not here. Jada’s seated on the couch, her hands on her face. She must hear me walk into the room. She uncovers her eyes. They’re red and strained. Tears and mascara run down her cheeks. I don’t think she wants me here, I turn around fast.
“You can come in here, Hayley,” Beth says.
“Oh… Alright.”
I watch as Destiny rubs Jada’s back. “Listen to me—” Destiny says, but Jada continues to sob. “Are you listening?” she asks again. Jada inhales and looks up at Destiny. Destiny sits down next to her. “This man. He did it to himself. You hear?”
“That’s right!” Beth adds.
“He knows he’s not supposed to come anywhere near you or Maya.”
“But I never should have answered his text messages!”
“No. He made the conscious choice to come over here. That’s on him,” Beth answers.
“He’s going to go to prison. Prison!” she says, clapping her hands. “I’m the one that told him where we were.”
“He knew better, Jada. He knew much better.”
I don’t want to ask what’s going on. I know how that feels, especially in the craziest moments. Do I really think Jada wants to explain herself to me? Relive it all? Probably not. I’ve never shared any bit of my story with any of these women. They don’t owe me anything. What I do know is that men are scary, and Jada looks terrified. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I return with a box of tissues and hold it out to Jada. She looks up at me and takes the box. “Thanks,” she says, wiping her eyes. She looks down at the tissue. “My makeups all over the damn place, isn’t it?” She asks with a small smile.
“It’s not even that bad,” I say. “At least you do your makeup. You always look pretty.”
“Thank you,” she says, blowing her nose.
Beth’s baby whines a bit, and so she bounces him up and down. “If you need anything, I’ll be in my room.”
I think about the women and their babies. I wonder if the man who got arrested today is Maya’s father? Again, I don’t ask questions, but I feel really bad for Jada. It’s weird to see her so vulnerable. I reach for the remote and turn on the TV. It’s the only way I know how to drown out the noise. I don’t turn the volume all the way up, though, you know, out of respect for Destiny and Jada. Say Yes to the Dress is on TLC. I sit next to Jada. The three of us stare at the TV for a little while.
“That’s the kind of dress I want if I ever get married,” Destiny says quietly. It’s a mermaid style, strapless, lots of beading.
“I’m never getting married,” Jada retorts. “I can’t with these men,” she says with a sniffle.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll get married either,” I say.
“Where’s her father?” Jada asks. I’m shocked.
“Who, Everleigh?”
“Her name is Everleigh? Fuck, that’s a mouthful.”
I’m a little insulted, but I laugh. “It means heaven’s meadow in Gaelic.”
“Garlic?!”
“No…Never mind.”
“Well, where’s her daddy?” Jada asks again. God, maybe my misery will bring her some comfort or something.
“I don’t know, he’s somewhere I guess.”
“He ran away? Men are so stupid.”
“Yeah… Stupid.”
I feel a sense of relief. Maybe this was the ice breaker we needed? Sharing our shitty fucking lives with each other.
Destiny walks into the kitchen and Jada and I sit together silently. Within minutes, Destiny comes back with a bag of barbeque potato chips. As she sits on the couch, Jada grabs the bag from her hands and rips it open.
“Are you fucking for real?” Destiny lunges toward her and grabs hold of the bag. As they fight, chips scatter around the room. I try to stand quickly, but I get elbowed hard in the face. My tooth cuts my lip. I’m bleeding. FUCK!
“My face!” I yell. I grab a tissue to hold over my mouth. Jada and Destiny either don’t realize or just don’t give a fuck. Jada has the bag now. She dumps what remains inside out onto Destiny’s head. Destiny is still for just a moment, like she’s making sense of what just happened. Suddenly, she stands and pushes Jada into the wall.
“KRISTA! KRISTA!” I yell, running toward the office and holding onto my bloody lip. Krista steps out of the office, pulling her headphones from her ears. When she hears the commotion, she runs past me and into the living room. I listen as she screams at Jada and Destiny. She threatens to call the police and to write them a shelter violation. I want nothing to do with this. I run up the stairs and into the bathroom. I swish water around my mouth and spit blood into the sink. How do I make this nightmare end?
Kara
It’s not a long ride home from the hospital, but it feels like it is. Peter’s in the passenger seat. We haven’t said anything to each other yet. I see the light of his phone screen in my peripheral vision… No, that’s very bright. Maybe that’s the flashlight on his phone? When I stop at a red light, I look over at him. You know those bracelets that hospitals put on you? The ones with your name? He’s biting on it.
“What are you doing?”
“Fucking shit won’t come off!”
“Just leave it until we get home.”
He slams his hands down on his legs like he’s pissed with me. I know he’s not. I can sympathize with the situation. The doctors had him do this thing called an endoscopy. It’s when they put you to sleep and stick a camera down your throat. Sounds pretty awful, but he said it wasn’t bad at all. That’s not the scary part though.
“Missed the whole fucking day at work. You know how many days the bakery has been closed? I’m the only person running the place! Losing money left and right!”
“Well, Allen just died, so I’d assume his regulars understand.”
“I have brewery orders this weekend! I have a huge fucking cookie decorating class!”
“You do?! It’s Christmas!”
“Yeah, it’s Friday. It’s weird too… It’s part of a bachelorette party. Someone asked me if I could do it… I bought dick shaped cookie cutters and everything. Big ones and small ones. I don’t know her fiancée.”
“YOU DID NOT!” I yell with a big grin.
He laughs and the light turns green. I’m glad to see him smiling. “I did, actually. They requested it. I bought other cookie cutters too like wedding dresses and lipstick.”
“Wait, that sounds like so much fun.”
“I hope so. It’s at her house before they go to the bars and strip clubs or whatever they’re doing later. I’m making sugar cookie martinis too. Hmm… Maybe one of them will be single.” His head snaps toward me, as if he’s waiting for me to moan ‘nooooo, I want you all to myself,’ or something like that.
“Make sure she picks the small dick sugar cookie and you’re all set to go.”
“Bitch,” he says with a laugh. He looks out the window, but then he’s quiet for about a minute. I play pattycake on the steering wheel to add some noise to the silence. I’m about to turn on the radio when he finally speaks.
“Do you think I have cancer?”
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
“I hope the biopsy results don’t take too long to come back. I hate waiting around like this. How the hell do you get cancer at 22 years old?”
“I know a little girl that had cancer,” I add.
“Really? I hope she’s OK now.”
I probably shouldn’t tell him that my classmate died at nine years old. Maybe I’ll just keep that information to myself for a while. “Yeah. She’s fine.”
We park in the apartment complex. He hops out of the car and jogs to the door before I can even turn the engine off.
“What’s the rush?” I ask while getting out of the car.
“I need to get this bracelet off, it’s driving me wild!” he says, turning the key in the knob and walking into the apartment. I follow him inside of the apartment, but not as fast. As I approach the top of the steps, he’s already talking.
“OK. So you’re going to go pick Danny up from school as planned, and I will go straight to the bakery. He’ll think I had been there all day. No mention of this. Not yet. Got it?!”
He’s crazy. Well, actually… Last time I disagreed with him about something with Danny he was a million percent right. I’ll just go along with this.
“Great,” I answer as he takes the kitchen shears to the bracelet on his wrist. “But aren’t you not supposed to be driving for like a little while?”
“I’m fine. Doctors always exaggerate these things. They have to because they don’t want to have a lawsuit on their hands.”
“Of course. Silly me.”
I think I have time to take a quick shower. Hospitals are nasty and germy, and I was in there for hours. I had to miss yoga and work. Man, I’m using up a lot of my sick days. Good thing it’s the end of the year.